On a screen behind me were the names of the three contestants and the points they earned by putting down the right answers.
“Let’s start with something easy,” I said, facing the audience. “A chili-cheese dog. Would you put that in your mouth?”
The audience erupted with shouts of answers. “Hell yeah!” “No!” “Boo!” The contestants wrote down their answers and I walked over to them.
“All right. On the count of three, turn your answers around. One... two... three!”
As expected, none of them said they would eat a chili cheese dog.
“Good! Everyone gets a point.” I went over to the older woman and asked, “Why did you say no?”
“Because my husband eats everything I do and they give him gas.” Everyone laughed.
“Okay, the next one is tricky. Olive oil. Would you put that in your mouth?”
The audience was mixed about half and half saying yes and no. When the contestants turned their boards around, we saw that two of them had said yes and one had said no.
“Why did you say yes” I stuck the microphone in front of the Asian man.
“Because olive oil is good for you.”
The older woman was nodding. “All the diet expert people say that’s true. Our bodies need fat.”
The hipster guy shook his head. “Fat is bad.”
“Actually,” I said, “fat is not bad, but the correct answer is no. Fat is good for you when it comes in its natural form. Like an avocado or nuts, or olives, or coconuts. But when you take that food and press the oil out of it and then heat it, the health benefits disappear. Now, if you’re trying to lose weight you want to eat less fat because fat is calorically dense.”
I then looked at the scoreboard. “Okay, Josh has two points and Evelyn and Huang have one point. Here’s the next question.”
We played the game for ten more minutes, and in the end, the hipster guy Josh won by one point. Sam handed everyone the copies of my book and got Josh’s contact information for when my next book came out.
The three contestants went back to their seats, and it was time for me to knock it out of the park with a strong ending to my talk.
The screen with the scoreboard raised and the audience lights dimmed. A spotlight came down to the middle of the stage, and I took the hand mic and stood in the center of the spotlight.
“I want to leave you with one message today, and it’s a message that I take to heart. This is your life. You can choose to numb it with food, alcohol, drugs, interpersonal drama. Or you can release what’s weighing you down. Let go of the things that are holding you back from living your best life. Once you do, you’ll discover that life is sweeter, spicier, and so much more satisfying than anything you can put in your mouth.”
The next thing I knew, they were clapping. Then, they started whooping, and clapping. Then they started standing! I was getting a standing ovation! How cool!
Part of me was a little disappointed that UCLA Guy wasn’t here to see that I was more than who I appeared to be last night.
12
Dean: When One Door Closes
“Sir?”
I was in my office on the bridge when Sofia knocked on my door. She was our Environmental Compliance Officer, and it was her job to make sure that our ship complied with all the various environmental regulations and to file the appropriate paperwork.
“Come on in, Sofia.”
“I just got a call from the Port Authority. We’ve finally been cleared for docking.”
As if today wasn’t hard enough already, I woke up to a minor crisis. One of the critical pieces of inspection paperwork had gone missing and the U.S. Virgin Islands Port Authority was refusing to let us dock until it was located.
I had every confidence that Sofia had filed the papers just fine, and that the problem was likely some idiot on the other side of the gate. She spent the morning re-sending everything and keeping me apprised of the developments so that I could explain things to the passengers. I had more than a thousand people who were dressed and ready to go to their shore excursions and it would be sheer chaos if we didn’t get clearance to dock. Not to mention the fact that I had divorce papers sitting in an attorney’s office that I needed to get.
Breathing a sigh of relief, I said, “Thank you, Sofia. Well done. Let Carlos know that we are cleared to begin the docking protocol.” I nodded to let her know she was dismissed.
“Will do, Captain.”
She shut the door behind her and I took a huge gulp of my coffee. I was tired! When the alarm went off at 0530, I remembered why I don’t go out at night. And why I don’t drink.
I felt a smile creep onto my lips remembering that girl last night. No, she was no girl. The way she made me feel told me she was all woman. I couldn’t help but wonder how badly she was feeling this morning. My guess was, pretty bad.
I decided that my reason to go ashore this afternoon would be to make sure that the paperwork was fine and that there would be no delays on our next trip. Then, after I’d done that, I’d slip into a restroom somewhere, change into my civilian clothes, and head over to the attorney’s office. I really didn’t want to be seen going in there. Too many questions that I didn’t want to answer.
As I felt the familiar motions of the ship pulling into the dock and the sounds of the passenger ramp. This particular sailing only stopped in St. Croix, and tomorrow we’d be in the British Virgin Islands.
I could tell from the motion of the ship that it was time to go to the bridge and do some work.
“Have you seen your wife yet?” Sofia asked Carlos.
“Ex-wife, and no. I haven’t seen them.” Carlos said. “And, unless they happen to come up to the bridge, I don’t plan to.”
“You can’t hide forever,” she said.
Changing the subject, Carlos turned to me and said, “Speaking of hiding, where have you been keeping that beautiful wife of yours? Don’t you guys usually meet in St. Croix?”
“Oh, she’s been... busy. You know how it is.” Both Sofia and Carlos raised their eyebrows at me. “What?” I said, playing clueless.
“I sense trouble in paradise,” Sofia said. “When they stop coming to visit it’s the first sign.”
Turning my back, I focused on some paperwork so she couldn’t see the tears that sprang to my eyes, I shook my head and said, “Don’t be ridiculous.”
But it wasn’t ridiculous. She was right. They would all know soon enough. For now, I wanted to focus on disembarking the passengers and getting myself ashore.
“It’s time to address the passengers, Captain,” Carlos said. “We’re just about ready to open the doors.”
I nodded and headed over to the shipboard microphone. “Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Dean Luca, your ship captain. Thank you all for your patience this morning with the little trouble we had in St. Croix. Everything is fine now and if you missed a shore excursion, go to the customer service desk and we will give you a voucher for an excursion later in the cruise.
Normally, the passengers must be back to the ship no later than 1730, or 5:30 pm. But since we were delayed, we are extending our port hours. Please return to the ship no later than 1900, or 7:00 pm local time.
I hope everyone has a good day in St. Croix and we will see you back on the ship tonight. Arrivederci!”
I clicked the microphone off and went into my office to grab the duffel bag I packed this morning. I was headed ashore.
Ninety minutes later, I was inside the offices of the Port Authority. It was uncommon for a ship’s captain to come deal with this kind of problem, so they were rather shocked to see me walk in. The man at the front desk hurriedly called his boss, who came out to greet me.
“Captain Luca, won’t you come this way?” I followed him down a narrow hallway past small offices. When we got to one near the end, he pushed the door open and gestured for me to go in. “Go on in. Have a seat.”
I sat on an exceedingly uncomfortable metal chair.
; “Please let me apologize for the confusion this morning. We have a new intern and the paperwork was filed in the wrong place. I can assure you we won’t make this mistake again.”
I nodded. “I’m glad to hear that. We had more than a thousand people who were delayed this morning and as you know every dollar they spend in offshore excursions and shopping benefits both the cruise line and your island. Time is money.”
The truth was that if I didn’t have personal business ashore today I would have just made a phone call. But this was a convenient excuse to leave the ship and not have people asking too many questions.
Standing to shake his hand, I looked at the name on his nameplate and said, “Thank you, Franco, for handling this the way that you did. I appreciate your effort.”
He nodded and said, “You are most welcome, sir.”
I made my way back out to the front lobby and out to the street. Now that I’d implemented my cover story, it was time to change into civilian clothes and head over to the attorney’s office and see what kind of settlement Gianna wanted.
Looking at my smartwatch, I needed to make sure that I got back quickly. We didn’t want to end up pressed for time and end up being the reason we were delayed in leaving this evening.
I’d ducked into a public restroom and changed out of my uniform into my jeans, sneakers, and the hoodie. I left the UCLA hat at home this time.
Remembering last night made me grin. That woman was so cute and funny. Maybe when I was ready to date again I would try to find a woman like that. She seemed so easygoing and happy, not high maintenance and demanding as Gianna had been.
Gianna. My stomach sank with the realization that this was really happening. I was picking up my divorce papers. If I agreed to the terms, all I’d need to do was sign it and the divorce would be final in six months. I was just glad that they shortened the time. Before 2015 it took three years for a divorce to become final.
Pulling out my phone, I looked up the address of the attorney’s office. It was a tiny little building, and I wondered how they were associated with any lawyer in Italy.
It didn’t really matter though. Maybe he was somebody’s brother or cousin or he was doing a friend a favor. I didn’t care how or why. I just knew that Gianna had her attorney send the papers here.
The doors jangled as I pushed through them. The air was blessedly cool, as I’d worked up quite a sweat in this hoodie and jeans.
I must have looked a bit out-of-place wearing long pants and a sweatshirt in St. Croix in the summer because the receptionist’s eyes flew open like I was some kind of mass shooter. The black duffel bag I was carrying didn’t help my appearance.
“Can I help you?” she said, voice trembling.
“My name is Dean Luca. You have some... um… papers for me?”
She looked confused for a moment and just stared at me blankly.
“Divorce papers?” I clarified.
Her face lit up in recognition. “Ah yes. We have them right here.” She opened a drawer and pulled out a thick manila envelope. “Do you want me to call someone for you to go through them with you? Our attorney is out to lunch, but I can call her.” The woman’s hand was on the phone as she looked at me expectantly.
I shook my head. The last thing I wanted to do was go through them with anyone. I just wanted to get back to my quarters and look at them in peace. “Thank you anyway. Do I, uh… need to sign for them or anything?”
She shook her head. “No. We don’t get too many cruise ship captains coming by for divorce papers. It’s fine.”
So much for my disguise. Hopefully, no one from the ship noticed or recognized me.
“Okay, well, thanks then.” I put the envelope in the bag and headed to find a different restroom to change clothes. Then, I’d get back to the ship and put the envelope in my quarters before we left St. Croix.
I didn’t want to read them until the end of my shift because I didn’t know what they’d contain. No matter what the settlement, it represented the end of something that had been important to me at one time.
I just hoped that the old adage was true. When one door closes, another one opens.
13
Charlie: The Charlie Islands
“Do we have to do this?” I was in my room changing after my talk and I was exhausted. We’d planned this shore excursion before I knew I was going to be tired and hungover.
“Come on, it’ll be fun. Just a little shopping and we can skip the snorkeling with the turtles thing.”
I felt bad. I was the one who’d been pushing for the snorkeling and now I was the one who just wanted to get in bed and stay there for the rest of the cruise. “You sure you don’t mind just doing the shopping?”
“Hahaha! Have you met me?”
It was true. Sam was a shopper.
“How do I look?” I’d changed into white shorts, a blue and white striped shirt, and I was wearing a wide-brimmed straw hat and big round white sunglasses. I had a matching straw purse to go with it.
“Like a movie star.” Sam grinned. “Better not let Kevin see you looking like that. He’ll fall in love.”
I shook my head. He’d come up after the talk and as promised, I signed his book. He’d brought his friends with him— the ones from his dinner table— and was talking like we were buddies because of the karaoke thing last night. I guess it gave him bragging rights to be hanging out with a celebrity YouTuber or something.
Which reminded me. I needed to bring my attachments for my phone. I wanted to record some video while we were on the island.
Grabbing the bag and putting it in my larger straw bag, I headed toward the door to the suite. “All right, Sammie. Let’s go see St. Croix.”
My feet were killing me. Sam dragged me to practically every store on the island. She’d gotten some leather sandals, this really cool coin from a shipwreck, some rum, and this pendant made out of sea glass. My one purchase had been a pair of diamond earrings in the shape of waves. I loved them, and couldn’t wait to put them in. And put my feet up.
“Let’s take a break and get some coffee,” I said, ducking into a small coffee shop.
“Sounds good. I’m wiped out.” She had her arms full of bags and a huge smile on her face. I appreciated having her with me on this trip so much.
We both plunked down in huge floral covered wicker chairs and said, “Ahhhh” at the same time. And then laughed about it.
“Which one of us is going to get up and get the coffee?”
We looked at each other grinning. “Do we really need coffee? Isn’t it enough to just smell it?” I said.
“Right? The saying is ‘wake up and smell the coffee,’ not wake up and get the coffee when your feet are killing you.”
“Yeah. That wouldn’t really fit on a mug.”
“Do you think they have Postmates here?”
The bell on the door jangled and a blast of warm air came in along with a really sexy guy. From over here he looked a little like UCLA Guy.
Yeah. It’s definitely time to step up the boyfriend search. I’m starting to act like a hungry person at a buffet…
“Hey, isn’t that the guy from last night?” Sam said, squinting at him.
“I don’t think so.” I was silently begging her to let it go. The last thing I wanted to do was see him.
“No, yeah. I think it is him.” Suddenly, she developed a burst of energy. “Hey! Hey UCLA Guy! Over here!”
“Sam!” I whispered through gritted teeth. “What are you doing?”
“What? I just want to thank him for last night.” She just kept jumping up and down and waving. “Over here!”
I slunk down even lower in my chair and pulled my hat down. Where did Sam suddenly get the energy to be bouncing around like a Chihuahua who’d been eating espresso beans? She should just take all that energy and go get us coffee.
“Sam. People are starting to stare.” I lifted the brim of my hat for a second and looked in the direction Sam had been waving. Sure enough, it was UC
LA Guy, and he was staring right back at me.
Those eyes were intense, and in the light, I noticed that he had a cleft in his chin. I loved clefts. Damn, that man is fine. It was a shame I’d made such a fool of myself last night.
“He sees us!” Sam said. She was like a dog with a bone about this.
“Sammie stop it. He obviously doesn’t want to come over.”
“Maybe he can’t hear me.”
She opened her mouth to go even louder when I said, sharply, “Sam. Look around you. Everyone in this place can hear you. Let the man be.”
Sighing in defeat, she said, “Fine. I’ll just go get the coffee.”
UCLA Guy had disappeared around a corner into what I figured was the restroom. No wonder he didn’t want to be bothered.
Besides. He probably wanted nothing to do with the crazy ladies from the piano bar last night. Drunk Madonna and her friend. Just as well. I’m not here to fall in love. I’m here to work.
I’d been scrolling social media to see if anyone from the cruise had said anything about my talk. There were quite a few folks talking about it on Twitter, and the comments were really positive. I was glad my first talk had gone so well.
I’d also done a brief Live Stream on YouTube when Sam was in one of the shops. The comments were flowing after it aired and people were suggesting that I do a whole Charlie Miller cruise. As if!
Sam was taking forever to come back with the coffees and I wondered if she’d started talking to someone. She was like that, and once she started talking, it would be forever until she came back.
Just then, she came walking up with two large iced coffees. “I kept waiting for UCLA Guy to come out of the bathroom, but all I saw was some guy dressed like a ship captain.”
“You were stalking the bathroom? Sam! That’s terrible.” I hadn’t seen the cruise ship captain guy, but that was probably because I had my head in my phone.
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