“I think if you don’t give it a try, you’ll always wonder,” Meadow interjects.
“The thing is, he’s going to leave.” I can’t prevent the crack in my voice.
Rainey lays a hand on my shoulder. “Would you rather a day, a night, or more with Nick or longer with someone else if you knew they would stay?” I open my mouth to answer, but she puts her finger against my lips. “We’re not the ones you have to answer, babe.”
“Maris?” I whip my head around to find Kara staring at me intently. “You asked me a question. Do you remember what it was?”
My mind whips back to those dark days after Jed and Dean died. She’d just told me about kissing Jennings for the first time since leaving Alaska the first time, and I asked her, “Did you ever really get over what you felt for Jennings?” I swallow convulsively. “I remember.”
“Back at you. Did you?” Even amid close friends, it’s still possible to have a covert conversation with your best friend.
“I tried,” I repeat her words back at her. “God knows, I tried.” I certainly didn’t live like a nun all these years even if I didn’t find a man who I trusted with my heart.
“Don’t avoid the question the way I did that night. Pretend you don’t give this a chance. What will you feel if he leaves and you don’t, Maris?” Kara fires off her question.
And the answer is simple. “I’m not the same person I was then. So, I won’t be the same person when it happens. I have no doubt I’m going to be hurt when he leaves. But—”
“But what?” Meadow prods.
“But I’m stronger for everything I’ve been through. I don’t back away from fights. They’re just an obstacle to get around. But if I’m going to lose him, I refuse to lose myself in the process.”
Rainey’s wiping tears away from her eyes. “I’m kicking his ass the first chance I have.”
And I laugh, truly laugh, for the first time in a while. “You’ll break something with the first punch.”
“He’ll know I’m serious, damnit!” she yells before wrapping her arm around my waist and squeezing.
Soon, the four of us are a mess of sniffles and tears. Rainey and I are in desperate need of mascara repair when the back door slams open. Nick calls out, “Hey, Rainey, Maris? Brad asked me to check on the beans. He said we’re just about ready…” His voice trails off when he takes in our appearance. In an ice-cold tone, he demands, “Who do I need to kill?”
Then he practically jumps out of his skin when from multiple directions, “Hi, Nick!” and “Hey, Nick!” are shouted at him. Taking pity on him, I let Rainey go and move toward him. “No one, Champ. We were having a chat with Meadow and Kara.”
Nick rubs a thumb over the apple of my cheek. “You’ve been crying,” he accuses.
“Not all crying is a bad thing, Nick. Sometimes it’s cathartic.” My hand wraps around his wrist.
“Are you sure?”
“Yep. I’m—we’re—fine.”
“Okay. Well, if that’s the case, I think Brad might eat the kids soon. He’s debating if he can slather them with ketchup and mustard.”
I chuckle at the imagery. “Tell him just a few more minutes. If you were this upset over a few tears, imagine how Brad would feel if he saw Rainey.” Like my words release her from some magic spell, Rainey drops her iPad and dashes for the stairs. “See?”
He nods, a frown still marring his perfect face. I place a hand on his chest. “I’m fine. I promise.”
“I’m adding it to our list of things to talk about,” he warns.
“All right.”
“Just that simple?” he asks, wonderment in his voice.
“It is with me.” I spread my arms and twirl in a small circle. “I’m a simple girl, Nick. What you see is what you get.”
When I face him again, the heat from his eyes blasts me. But he doesn’t say more than a simple “We’ll finish this later, Maris.” And I don’t know if that’s a reminder or a warning.
I’m about to head upstairs to borrow a makeup wipe from Rainey when I hear explosive laughter from my phone and Rainey’s iPad. Oh. Shit. “You didn’t hang up?” I yell as I run and snatch up my cell.
“And miss the inferno? No. Jennings, be a love and go get me some water,” Kara calls out.
“Kody, I need a drink. Strong. No, I don’t care what it is!” Meadow yells.
Mortification suffocates me for about half a second before I admit, “Hell, so do I, Meadow, but I drove.”
“Well, that was a tactical error.” The three of us are cackling when Rainey comes down the stairs. In her hands—bless her—is a makeup wipe.
“I figured if Nick already saw you like that, you didn’t need a full…why are you all laughing so hard?” she demands.
Dinner is delayed again during the retelling of what just happened. Rainey’s knees give out where she stands, unable to speak. She just points at me and gapes like a fish. Thankfully, the next time there’s a scout that comes in to check on the delay of the beans, it’s Brad who walks in the door. Otherwise, we might still be trying to find our sea legs.
But as someone who knows the difference between the two, I’m so glad I lost them due to laughter instead of pain.
Maris
September
“Growing up by the sea, fishing has been a part of my everyday life. I just never gave any thought to the fish they caught until I watched the hope drain out of my sister’s eyes. Now instead of animated, they’re dead like the fish. What can I do?” - From the journals of Jedidiah Smith.
“Smith’s Brewhouse. This is Maris. How can I help you?” I answer the phone on the headset. I’m standing on a ladder taking inventory in between the lunch and dinner crowd. Muttering to myself, I wonder, “How many toothpicks can humans go through? I just reordered these,” as I place another order.
“Hello, Maris, it’s Rona Gustofson.”
And I immediately fumble my iPad to the ground. Thank goodness I sprung for the industrial cover. “Hi, Mrs. G. How have you been?”
“Lovely, dear. And yourself?”
I swallow my panic and try to replicate her calm demeanor. “Well, thank you. I got to spend some time with some friends over the weekend—including the Lis.”
“That’s good. I’m glad you’re so close. It helps to have another foster family to guide you through the process. I wanted to let you know I have to come by to do some additional checks for the home study.”
“You do? I mean, not that I mind, but can I ask why?”
“Of course. In this case, I’m glad you did. Based on your home’s registered floor plan, there should be additional outlets. I need to validate those aren’t a fire hazard.”
I frown in confusion as I brace myself against the ladder. “Not to question you, Mrs. G., but I’m pretty certain you checked all of the outlets.” And the extinguishers. And the distance of the toilets from the sinks. And a whole list of other things that made me wonder if I was going to have to bribe Kody to renovate my home if I don’t pass inspection.
“Yes, I did. But I didn’t test the ones behind your wall unit. And when I was talking with my supervisor, he asked if the unit can be moved. It can, can’t it?”
Oh, holy hell. I rub my hand across my head. “Yes, ma’am, it sure can.”
“Wonderful! Would tomorrow afternoon be too soon to come back out?”
“No, it wouldn’t.” Like I’m going to say no in any case.
“Then I’ll shoot you a formal email in just a few moments. Thank you for being so understanding, Maris. In the end, it’s making certain children are put into safe and secure homes.”
“I look forward to it.” After we say our goodbyes, I add, “And I look forward to the herniated disc I’ll have as a result of moving that beast.” I’m pretty certain it hasn’t been moved since it was installed. I think I was seventeen.
Just then, a text message pops up from Nick. You owe me dinner.
My thumbs fly over the keyboard. I’m impressed. I though
t I had a few more days, at least.
Nope. Now put up.
Selfish, selfish man.
I didn’t say I was going to make you pay. Come on, Maris. Let’s get some food and have a real date.
Physical or emotional pain? I’d rather scar my soul than move that media unit. So, it’s with real regret I type, I can’t. I have to move the TV console in my living room before tomorrow.
Why the hell are you trying to move the brown beast? That thing might be holding up the second floor of your house.
A wide grin splits my face. Jed dubbed the media unit the brown beast the day he and the Jacks wrangled it inside for my father. And then a lightbulb goes off in my head. Furiously, my fingers begin to type.
I’ll buy you dinner wherever you want if you move it for me.
That’s a hell of an incentive. Have a whole night to do nothing but spend time with you or risk permanent injury. Let me think…deal. When do you need me there?
Two hours?
See you then.
It’s going to be worth whatever hell I pay later to get that thing moved.
A few hours later, Nick shows up with Brad in tow. From where I stand propped in the doorway, I watch the two goofballs do warm-up exercises. “You better not pull a hammie,” Nick taunts Brad.
Brad throws him the middle finger as he reaches into his back pocket for a red, white, and blue bandanna that he ties around his forehead like he’s a ninja warrior. Nick rolls his eyes before he reaches for a red-and-white one to tie around his own head.
Oh. My. God. The Great Alaskan Lumberjacks. They haven’t grown up. I begin to laugh so hard, I can’t breathe. “There’s no way you two are entering my house without my getting a picture of this testosterone-laden debacle to share with the others.” I fumble in my jeans pocket for my phone.
Brad strikes a pose that would do any superhero proud, and Nick? He’s the grown-up version of himself, glaring at my cell phone camera. “Could you try for a smile, Mr. Grumpy Pants?” I taunt him, much the same way I did when we were all young.
“No, I can’t,” Nick grouses. His hand moves to swipe the bandanna off his head. Brad reaches over and slaps it down. Nick’s face grows more irritated by the second.
“Fine.” I take the shot—which is just perfect as it is. For as long as any of us have known him, Nick has been a pain in the ass about having his photo taken. When I press the button to replay the shots, I collapse against the jamb.
In shock.
Because for half of the pictures, Nick’s scowling like normal. The rest? He’s smirking at Brad like he’s trying to hold back huge guffaws of laughter. “How did we miss this? Is this what you’ve always done?”
“What?” Nick steps up to the door and plucks my phone from my hands.
“Don’t you dare delete those photos,” I warn him.
With nothing more than a “Hmm,” he flips through them. Handing me my phone back, he leans down to whisper in my ear, his lips brushing against the rim so lightly they send tingles down my spine. “Only when you were taking the shot.” Then he slips past me inside the house where the dreaded wall unit awaits.
“The things you find out with modern technology,” I murmur.
“Did you say something, Maris?” Brad comes bounding up.
“Nothing. You know where the beast is.” I wave him up toward the family room.
“Yeah, I remember the three days of bed rest I needed with Rainey waiting on me the last time I moved it. Of course, she was in the bed with me.”
I grin as I close the door and follow Brad up the stairs. Some things never change.
In the time since I got home from the Brewhouse, I’ve emptied the shelves of everything and piled it on top of my guest room bed. I haven’t wiped down the unit because I didn’t want to make it slippery when we might need to get a better grip. As Brad and Nick are slipping on gloves, I snatch up a pair I found in the garage. “Where do you need me?”
“Safely out of the way,” Nick tells me. Brad agrees wholeheartedly.
“Wrong answer, guys. Even though I’m smart enough to ask for help, I can still remove shelves to reduce the weight.”
Both men look appropriately chastised, then slightly embarrassed. “Well, shit, Nick. Think we should have done that when we moved the beast in all those years ago?” Brad muses.
“Might have taken a good twenty pounds off,” Nick agrees. Hooking an arm around my neck, he plants a kiss on my forehead. “Sorry, Maris.”
“For both of you thinking with your male egos again? You’re forgiven.” My voice is pure honey.
All of us laugh as the guys start to reach for the shelves. I carefully lay them down on towels set on the dining room table after numbering the rough edge so I know what order they have to go back in. I smile when I hear the guys mutter between themselves about how much lighter the unit feels as they ease it from the wall.
Then Nick’s voice freezes me in place.
“Hey, Brad. Don’t go any further. There’s a book or something wedged behind this damn thing on my side. I don’t want it to drop down; I can almost reach it.”
I whirl around just as Nick pulls out a leather-bound journal triumphantly, familiar like the other volumes I’ve been reading. Somehow my legs manage to sustain my weight as I make my way across the room. “Give me that!”
I can’t even register the shock on Nick’s face as I snatch it from his hands. I immediately flip to the first page to see the opening line.
Maris,
I hope like hell you’ve rid the house of the beast and found this journal first. Because I shudder to imagine what you’re thinking otherwise. Give me a chance to explain before you rush off to tell our friends everything. And please let me apologize…
I slam the book closed. God. Jed expected me to find them eventually. The world begins to spin crazily.
“Maris? Are you all right?” Nick bends down until his dark eyes are in line with my own.
“I…I don’t know.”
“Do you want to tell me what’s in that book?” His eyes don’t leave mine as they ask.
“No,” I tell him honestly. His eyes narrow. “But I’m going to have to.”
As Nick and Brad move the TV unit, I make my way out into the sunroom and reread my brother’s words from the start.
Maris,
I hope like hell you’ve rid the house of the beast and found this journal first. Because I shudder to imagine what you’re thinking otherwise. Give me a chance to explain before you rush off to tell our friends everything. And please let me apologize because I should have told you a long time ago about so many things, but I was afraid if you knew you’d never trust me the same way again.
You were in such pain, my Sunshine. Not just physical, even though that was intense, but I swear the emotional became worse as the days passed. You elected to remain perpetually stoned after having learned you would never be able to carry a child of your own due to a condition passed along genetically — that damned Unicorn Uterus.
Why the hell did it have to be a unicorn? They’re supposed to be magic? In the worst of your nightmares the week we were in Fairbanks, you’d ask me that over and over. And each and every time, I felt powerless for not having an answer.
But then a man named Dean called. I had no idea who he was. I almost hung up on him, thinking he was just another guy who had a crush on my beautiful baby sister, but suddenly there was a spark of life in you I hadn’t seen since before the accident. You wouldn’t let me hang up on him. Do you remember any of this? You tried to sit up in bed, demanding to take the call. God, despite the IVs attached to you, the catheter, and drainage tubes, you practically crawled out of the bed to rip that phone from my hands.
It never got that far, but I handed it over not knowing what was going to happen, Sunshine. Even now, I’m not sure if it was the best or worst thing. For both of us.
Through your own agony, you selflessly stayed on the phone for hours and gave everything inside your heart
to Kara as Kevin was born. Tears were pouring down your face so hard I used an entire box of crappy hospital tissues wiping them up. Though it was faint because that phone was practically glued to your ear, I too got to hear Kevin’s first cry.
It was the second most beautiful sound in the world. The first being the words from the surgeon to me, Mom and Dad telling us you were going to live. But I’m certain I’ll never be prouder of anyone. Ever. Because when it was over you hung up the phone, pushed the button for your pain meds, and never said a single word to me about it.
You kept Kara’s secret, Maris. And until your dying day, I know you would have. But it was my everlasting hell to know it in conjunction to know the way John — Jennings — grew up. Much like how I was trusted by Brad about the circumstances about him and Rainey. His love for her is everlasting even with a rocky start; it has been from the moment they met at Juneau-Douglas. But neither of them was ready.
Kody will always love Meadow from afar. That’s not going to ever change. His heart is just content on the rare occasion he gets to see her. I swear, all these years later, the earth still shifts when they’re in the same room together. If only they were free to act upon it…I hold so much guilt where they’re concerned as well.
As for Kara and Jennings, well, now that I’m married to Dean I’m trying my damnedest to wear her down. And if the battle I just went through at the lawyer’s office today is anything to go by, it may be well after I’m gone, but it will happen. Someday. Sooner if we’re all lucky. If she would just allow him to meet his son face-to-face, I know what would happen. But Kara’s a stubborn thing, though. Jennings isn’t the same man he was, but neither is she the same woman. In other words, they’re perfect for each other. Still. I can hardly wait until the two of them are breathing the same air. It’s going to change the world as we know it.
Return by Sea (Glacier Adventure Series Book 3) Page 14