“It was nothing that concerned you, Nick. I promise.”
“Maris…”
Her voice filled with exasperation, Maris lets it all out. “All she wanted to know was if I was still applying for adoption as a single parent. She gave the implication it would make a difference on the application. I told her I was. End of story. Okay?” Maris breaks free and storms off to go get her purse.
No. Not okay. None of this feels okay. In fact, it hurts. Everything from her comments before to this make my heart ache in a way I want to talk about, but I don’t feel like I have the right to because I’m not the one who lost everything.
But somehow, I still feel like I am.
I’m still standing in the exact same spot when two arms wrap around me from behind. “I’m sorry. None of this is your fault. Not the accident, not people’s antiquated minds that believe a two-parent household is better than one. Certainly not a television unit that my parents bought that weighs half a ton.” She shifts around until I hold her in my arms. “Do you forgive me?”
“There’s nothing to forgive,” I tell her honestly.
Except there is.
She’s making a life here in Juneau that doesn’t include me. So how am I supposed to convince her to leave it?
She seems intent on building a life without me in it. And somehow I have to figure out a way to change that.
Maris
“In a perfect Utopia, I’d get to arrange everyone to reconnect with their true mate. Remember, since it’s my perfect world, there would be no barriers to stand in my way. Brad and Rainey, of course. But I’d have Jennings read his fucking email. Kody would have ignored my stupid advice and asked Meadow out anyway. And Nick? He’d have figured out a way to explain who he really is as a person to Maris. Hell, to all of them.
And all of this would have happened before so many people struggled.” - From the journals of Jedidiah Smith.
Nick and I are curled up on the couch after he and Brad managed to shift the wall unit back in place. Watching his muscles ripple beneath his tee earlier, I wanted nothing more than to say screw it, kick Brad out, and back Nick up to the nearest available flat surface. But oddly, this is better. It’s normal. And it gives me something I’ve been missing for a long time.
Hope.
As I lie on top of him, I snuggle closer as the announcers for the pay-per-view MMA Title Fight I purchased months ago compare the fighters. “Sorry it’s not one of your guys?”
I’m shocked when Nick shakes his head. “Not tonight.”
“Hold on. Do I have the real Nick Cain here? Can you do something to make certain you don’t have a forked tongue? Maybe I need to get a couple cans of bug spray to battle you or something?” I reference the original Men in Black movie.
Nick swats my tush. “Is that a good enough reminder?”
“I don’t know. Why don’t you do it again?” I suggest.
He laughs before pressing a quick kiss to my lips. He reaches to the floor and grabs a handful of popcorn, offering me a bite before munching on the rest.
I lay my head back down on his chest. My eyes begin to drift shut as Nick’s heartbeat lulls me. In that perfect dreamscape where miracles happen, I can picture David rushing down the stairs yelling, “Mom, is the fight on yet?”
Right before Nick answers, “Not yet, son.”
My hand brushes across his chest, and I feel the raised edge of his nipple through his T-shirt. “Hmm.” Even as relaxed as I am, I can’t get enough of his body. “How is it you still have a body this ripped at your age?”
That earns me another whack. I just smile as Nick asks indignantly, “At my age?”
“I am younger than all of you but Meadow,” I remind him.
Nick growls, “I was holding my own with Reece in the ring the other day.”
“You were, though he’s shredded. Christ, I don’t know how you managed that. Despite your kicking his ass, he seemed to have enough gas in his tank to…Nick!” I screech as he flips me over.
Nick unceremoniously dumps me onto my back. Picking up the remote, he hits Record. “We’ll watch the fight later.”
“When later?” I demand.
“After I teach you a very important lesson.”
“About what?”
“About endurance.” And then Nick lowers his head and proceeds to show me that he still has the determination to make me forget my own name. The only thing I remember is his as I call it out repeatedly. That and the fact I want his hands all over my body before he thrusts inside, causing me to clench around his cock so hard he moans out my name next to my ear.
Neither of us give a shit who won the fight—either the one on my flat-screen or the one we were having.
The next night, Nick and I lie in the backyard talking about his home in Albuquerque. “What made you choose there?” I ask curiously.
“Have you ever been?”
“No. I was supposed to. Even had the ticket booked, but then…”
Nick rolls us until we’re facing one another. “What happened?”
“I got the call from Kara.” My voice is haunted.
Nick’s body stills. “What?”
“Nick. I was flying to Albuquerque. I was going to meet Jed there for a week after he got back from his vacation with Dean. I promised him I’d go somewhere fun with him. He told me I’d suit the southwest—that Albuquerque would be my kind of town.” My hand blindly reaches for his.
“God damn, crazy bastard. You were trying to get us together. Fuck. What if she wasn’t ready?” Nick surges to his feet, pulling me along with him. Wrapping me in his arms, he rubs his hand up and down my back. Jerking me back, Nick’s penetrating stare tries to read me. Since the main thing I’m feeling is shock, he mutters, “Shit,” before yanking me back into his arms for long moments before I gather my thoughts.
“He was trying to play matchmaker.”
“Yeah, Sunshine. He was.” Nick’s voice is cautious.
I burst out laughing.
Nick’s body locks. I pull back and grab his face down by the cheek before laying a smacking kiss on his lips. “Don’t you get it?” I yell.
“Obviously not.”
“You were wondering if he’d approve of me and you? Well, despite his vacillating back and forth in his journals, he did. Why on earth would he bring me around you? He had to know what would happen.”
“He’d have brought you to Razor.”
“Keep going,” I encourage.
“What would you have done?” he asks.
“I’d have seen you working with the kids and my heart would have been in a puddle. What about you?”
“I’d have laid claim to you within the blink of an eye before beating the shit out of anyone who looked at you,” Nick declares immediately.
I toss my head back and start to laugh. “I love you, Jedidiah! You meddling moron!” I yell, once I catch my breath.
When my head rights, Nick bends me back over his arm, drinking every drop of joy from my lips, pouring every ounce of his into me. I moan under the pressure of his lips. He growls before his tongue duels with mine. Blessing us, the sun shines down on us in its glory instead of the seasonal rain.
It’s a heady feeling to know the love you’ve waited a lifetime for has been blessed by the only person you both love unconditionally. Because I know all too well in the blink of an eye, the crush of a wave, the smash of a car, so much about life can change. But for this moment, I feel invincible. Certainly the feelings I have for Nick are.
When Nick draws back from our kiss, I feel frozen in place by the emotions chasing themselves across his face. But the one that I know I’ll never forget is love. “I want to bring you to Albuquerque,” Nick proclaims.
“Okay,” I agree without hesitation.
“Soon,” he presses.
“As soon as I can, Nick.”
He yanks me tightly against his chest. His heart is pounding against my ear. Safe, certain in his love for me, I wonder aloud, “Do y
ou believe he’s looking down at us?”
“He’s sitting at a bar laughing his damn ass off, Maris. And you know it just as I do. First night I was here, I yelled at him.”
I jerk back. “You did?”
“Don’t sound surprised; I talk with your brother.”
“I thought I was the only one.”
Nick scoffs. “Please. Since Brad didn’t offer to escort me to the nearest mental institution, I suspect he does as well.”
Thoughtfully, I tip my head to the side. “I know Kara talks with Dean through email.”
“And if Jennings knows that, then he’s regularly communicating with the lunatic. And let’s not forget Kody.”
My eyes go wide. “No way.”
Nick nods. “Drunk birthday chat revealed that one. Then again, I told him first.” Nick runs his finger along the chain I’m wearing before admitting, “I almost lost this.”
I suck in a deep breath. “What happened?”
He drags me over to a chair. Pulling me onto his lap, he recounts how a fighter he was training from a visiting camp broke the clasp and then taunted him with melting it down to put the gold in his mouth. “I hope you bloodied his damn mouth.” I fist my hands.
Nick tucks me close. “I did better than that. I took out the two teeth with a kick. Bled like a bitch in the ring. Only time Charmaine didn’t bitch me out for cursing or the blood.”
“Good. Wait, Charmaine doesn’t like cursing? Or blood? How the hell does she work with you?”
Nick blushes.
“Oh, this is going to be good. I might need her number.”
“I’ll give it to you, but um, yeah.”
“Tell me.” I start bouncing like a little kid in his lap.
He wraps his arms around my waist and explains how Charmaine won’t preview any fight videos anymore. “Okay, fine. Now, fess up Cain. How does your badass assistant keep your potty mouth from tainting the fight floor?” I tease.
“I have a swear jar.”
I collapse against his chest. “You are so full of it.”
“Actually, because of the kids, we all do.”
I sit back up. “You’re not kidding.”
“Nope. We donate it to local charities including a local organization that helps out with supplying foster families with additional supplies.” He runs his hand over my jaw. “And this was before I knew about you. Imagine the donation they’re going to get now.” His smile tells me they’re going to get everything they need including the sun, the moon, and the stars.
Because that’s what he wants to give me.
I slide off his lap and reach for his hand. “I need you, Nick.”
Nick pushes to his feet before scooping me up into his arms. “Right here. In the grass.”
“Where I first lost my heart,” I murmur.
“Where I first found mine,” he counters.
“Yes.” Nick takes a few steps away from the stone and lowers me to the soft grass. Slowly, his hands on my body, we drain the sunlight from the sky and feed it into each other’s souls.
Because in the end, whether our hearts were lost or found, they’re one and the same.
Later that night in bed, I stir when I feel the badass Nick Cain drawing something on my back. At first, as I come out from the sexual slumber I fell into after Nick loved me to sleep, I wonder if he’s just drawing doodles.
Then I realize it’s the same pattern all over my body.
He’s writing his name followed by mine. Then he’s surrounding both by a giant heart.
Over and over.
Nick.
Maris.
And a heart.
I twist around to face him, and he blushes like a schoolboy caught passing a note in school. “My turn,” I say hoarsely. And directly over his heart, I repeat exactly what he did to me.
Nick.
Maris.
And over his heart, I lay my own. Then again, he’s had it for years.
I seal my drawing by placing my hand on top of the faint scratch marks I left. “It’s always been you. Even when it wasn’t,” I admit.
“I will never stop trying to erase the years between us. Every day. Every minute. I’ll never believe you’re here even though it’s always been you in my soul.” The low timber of his voice makes me catch my breath.
“Nick…” I need him to stop talking.
“Jed knew. He knew I was too afraid of you shoving me out the door and what would happen if you did. I’ve never held myself in high regard. Why on earth would a woman who had everything choose me?”
“I think the better question is why wouldn’t I?” I smooth my hand up his chest and up to his jaw. Forcing his chin down, I can see from the nightlights sprinkled around the room his eyes are damp. I kiss them closed, tasting the tang of salt on my lips.
Nick crushes me to him. “I may not deserve you, but I’m never letting you go.”
My eyes widen comically. “Is that a commitment?”
His face forms a fearsome scowl. “There will never be another after you, Maris.”
And his next words steal all my thoughts away.
“Instead of sailing on an ocean of pain, we’re finally on the same limitless journey. Together.”
My lips part. “Nick…” But I don’t get to say more because his lips are seeking mine.
And the mingled salt from our combined tears is sipped away in that kiss and the many others as we bind our bodies, hearts, and souls.
Nicholas
“I said let’s go to the best place in town for crab and this is where you take me?” I swallow a bite of the best crab chowder anywhere on the planet while sitting across from Maris at a table down near the water.
“Was I wrong?” Maris challenges me.
“Not in the slightest. What do they do? Drive the boats here and let them pick the best ones before they ship off the rest to the rest of us schmucks around the country?” Scraping up the ends of the soup with a piece of roll, I pick up the imposing king crab leg—my third. Using a plastic utensil that resembles something you’d yank out of a dental cleaning package, I quickly shuck the shell surrounding the crab meat. I’ve done this twice already, but the way it zips through the crustacean’s shell like melted butter still floors me. “Astounding. Every single time.” I shove the remains of the shell through a hole in the center of the table and offer Maris a piece of the third leg I’ve annihilated.
She shakes her head. “I’m stuffed. Besides, I’m enjoying watching you eat. Where do you put it?”
“Why do you think I work out as much as I do?”
“To maintain that ridiculous physique. Not to prepare yourself for a crab-eating food challenge, Nick.”
My ears perk up. “Is there such a thing?”
Maris’s body shakes as she tries to hold in her laughter. “I’m sure there is. That might be taking that ‘Champ’ title a bit too far, don’t you think?”
Suddenly the sweetness of the crab churns in my stomach when how in the blink of an eye I went from having my whole future planned with the woman across the table from me to reducing any kind of chance between us to ashes on the wind. Wiping my hand on the paper towels, I ask, “If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?”
She waves my question away with a chunk of sweet crab. “That’s a question guaranteed to get me in trouble.”
“Why?”
“Because everything has repercussions, Nick. If I bring Jed back to life, would he have succeeded in his endeavors to get his friends together despite it being his most fervent wish? Would there be a Jennings and Kara? What about Kody and Meadow? If I were to be selfish enough to wish for more, how does that alter the future? Is it so much that love doesn’t happen?”
Even as I try to absorb her selflessness, she knocks me completely on my ass. “What if I were to change the night between us in Vegas? Would you have changed into the man you are, or would you still be Nick the Dick strutting around trying to see how many ways you could
use woman to forget your past? Would you see your past might be a part of you but in a way that you’ve changed lives as a result of it? How many children’s lives have you changed as a result of the things that happened to you? Because of Vegas? That you wanted to prove you could be a better man?” She winks at me to take the edge off her words.
“I was a dick, Maris. I deserved to have you walk away.”
“Yes, you were. But again, the blame wasn’t entirely yours.”
“We’ll continue to disagree on that.”
She shrugs, unconcerned. God, I love her. Jed was right. I needed a little faith in my life, and Maris consistently offers it up. “That night changed both of us. We both spiraled, Nick. You weren’t the only one. And look where it led you. Would Razor be helping children or just training MMA fighters? You’re doing wonderful things.”
I can’t stop myself from reaching for her. My hands grip her forearm. “I find something more to love about you every minute I spend with you.”
“Good. But just for the record, I hope you plan to make it clear to your past harem you’re off-limits. This includes every female that crosses your path who volunteers to slide in between the sheets with you.” Maris picks up the shucking utensil. “Otherwise, I might have to use this to—”
I shudder at her violent tendencies but, “I get your point.”
“I hope you do. I’m not very good at sharing. And since you’re the one who clearly drew where the lines are between us…”
“Oh, they’re clear.” I shift my eyes to the side and glare at one of the men at a nearby booth who’s checking her out. He averts his eyes and shovels in another bite of food, appropriately subdued. Feeling better, I cheerfully chomp down on another bite of crab.
We’re both quiet for a few moments before I burst out with, “I still can’t believe you wouldn’t go back to change things.” She wouldn’t change the accident? Her ability to have children?
She wouldn’t change the lost years between us.
Return by Sea (Glacier Adventure Series Book 3) Page 19