Forgetting You

by Casey, L. A.

  “I’m strugglin’,” I admitted as I kept my eyes on Noah’s face. “I miss me sister more than I ever thought possible. There’s this constant ache in me chest. Sometimes it feels like I miss her so much that I can’t breathe.”

  “Elliot,” Mrs Ainsley said softly. “Honey, don’t keep what you’re feeling bottled up. Your mum . . . she told me you’ve been drinking a lot.”

  I rubbed my eyes with my free hand and cleared my throat.

  “Tryin’ to find an escape is all,” I answered with a sad smile. “I just dunno what to do. I know everyone says time heals the pain when you lose someone ye love so it’s not as body-consumin’, but I dunno how to get to a place where I can think of Bailey and still be able to breathe. It’s my fault. If I was quicker about gettin’ Noah out of the car, I could’ve saved her.”

  “Elliot.” Mr Ainsley locked eyes with me as Mrs Ainsley took my free hand in hers. “Do not do this to yourself. You did what your whole crew thought was impossible: you got Noah out of the car before it exploded. You risked your life and went against orders to save my child. It breaks my heart that we lost Bailey, but that’s not your fault. It was an accident, Bailey just lost control of the car on a patch of black ice. She died on impact – even if you’d got her out of the car, she still wouldn’t be here, son.”

  A huge part of my brain told me that Mr Ainsley was right, but then I thought of the voicemail Noah had left me.

  “Ye heard the voicemail though, they were scared of somethin’. Noah was frantic.”

  “Unless Noah gets her memory back, we’ll never know.” Mrs Ainsley patted my hand. “There’s nothing to indicate it was anything other than an accident – you read the police report.”

  “I know.”

  I had read the report multiple times and revisited the scene five days in a row, and everything pointed to Bailey losing control of the car. I’d seen hundreds of accidents like it before, but something about the whole situation didn’t sit right with me . . . and it was all because of the voicemail that Noah had left me.

  She had said the words “to kill” in her message, and she’d screamed for Bailey to slow down and shouted that she was driving too fast multiple times. There were so many unanswered questions. Why was my sister with Noah in the first place? They had been close once upon a time, like sisters, but that had changed after Noah and I broke up, so them being together was a red flag.

  Why was Bailey driving so fast in the middle of a blackout while black ice covered the roads? She wouldn’t have unless someone had given her reason to. She wasn’t a reckless driver – she was cautious. It was entirely out of character for my sister; she was never in trouble with anyone other than me. Part of me thought Bailey had been helping Noah in some way, I just didn’t know what way that was.

  Maybe I was grasping at straws, trying to find a reason as to why my sister died. I had to remind myself that there was no reason – if there even was one – that was good enough for my sister to be buried six feet under the ground.

  Not a single one.

  “I don’t want it to have just been an accident, because then I have no one to blame.”

  “Son.” The hand squeezed mine. “You’re grieving and you have anger that Bailey was taken from us, and you’re trying to find a reason to put the blame on something – someone – to vent that anger. It was an accident.”

  I exhaled a deep breath. “Maybe you’re right . . . me mind is just goin’ back to the voicemail and then the dials in me head turn and I think of all sorts.”

  “That’s expected,” Mrs Ainsley said. “I’d be worried if you just accepted everything and got on with your life, Elliot. It’s normal for you to want to find a reason as to why everything has happened. You’re looking for closure.”

  Closure? So soon after my sister died? I wasn’t sure if I agreed with Mrs Ainsley or not. My mind was too messed up to straighten anything out long enough for me to form a coherent thought in regards to the whole situation. Adding Noah and her memory loss to the list was just another ripple in an already unsettled pond.

  “I can’t help Bailey now,” I said, rubbing my thumb over Noah’s knuckles. “But I can help Noah, and I promise the both of you that I will do anythin’ I can to help get her through this.”

  “We know you will,” Mr Ainsley said with a reassuring smile. “Anderson will be an issue. It’s terrible of me to say that about the man, but Noah didn’t react well to seeing him. With her currently not remembering him, keeping him away from her for the time being shouldn’t be a problem. Doctor Abara agrees that his presence is upsetting for her.”

  “D’ye want to keep him away from her?” I questioned. “Because she won’t want that. I know her, she’s shocked right now, but when she realises her situation is real, she’s gonna want to speak to the man she’s married to.”

  I hated admitting to myself that she was someone else’s wife, and speaking the words out loud left a sour taste in my mouth.

  “I know.” Mr Ainsley nodded. “I just think that, right now, his presence will do more damage than good. He was clearly upset that she didn’t remember him, and I feel for him but I have to think of my child first.”

  “She didn’t look like she knew him at all,” I admitted, trying not to sound too glad about that fact. “I wasn’t sure if I was simply just hopin’ she didn’t because I still have feelings for her, but she looked right through him. I saw it in her eyes, she had no fuckin’ clue who he was.”

  “She has no knowledge of anything that has happened over the last five years. She told me she thought it was the sixteenth of March, 2015. She talked about you and her coming over for dinner on St Patrick’s Day.”

  “March,” I repeated. “That was more than a year before we broke up. Jesus, today is four years since we broke up!”

  Neither of Noah’s parents spoke as I tried to make sense of what was happening.

  “She really does believe we’re still together, doesn’t she?”

  “Yes,” they answered in unison.

  “Jesus.” I rubbed my face with my free hand. “Just . . . Jesus.”

  “I know,” Mrs Ainsley said with a sad smile. “This is unbelievable and a lot to take in, but we have to accept the cards we’ve been dealt and go with it. For Noah.”

  “For Noah,” I echoed.

  “Don’t think too far ahead, Elliot,” Mr Ainsley said. “We’re taking it minute by minute with her. She doesn’t know that she drifted apart from us. She doesn’t know Anderson, or the reason you both broke up. She doesn’t know about Bailey’s passing, or that she herself moved out of town and quit her job. We have to ease her into everything and we have to take baby steps, not just for her, but for us too. We’ve been given a chance to start over with her . . . We all have.”

  A chance that I would be taking with both hands, because now that I had the opportunity to have Noah back in my life, I wasn’t about to let it – or her – go. I had lost Bailey, and I wasn’t letting anyone take Noah away from me again. Not even her husband.

  CHAPTER NINE

  NOAH

  Warm fluid snaked down my cheek into the cracked corner of my mouth. I caught the blood with my tongue, and the metallic saltiness invaded my senses. Black dots spotted my vision and my ears rang. I forced myself to stand tall and unflinching as I watched the faceless man’s hand swing in a wide arc before it connected with my other cheek.

  My head violently jerked to the side, and my neck cracked in protest. Steeling myself not to cry out in pain, I looked forward, stared up into his obscured face, trying to gauge his mood. Many nights just like this one had given me experience – enough that it had taught me that if I cried out, he enjoyed it more, and the beating would last longer.

  “Where were you, Noah?” The voice sounded like Elliot’s and it was filled with a rage that terrified me. “Tell me!”

  “Just taking a walk,” I answered, pressing a shaking hand to my throbbing face. “I swear.”

  “Liar!” he grow
led, advancing on me. “I’ll teach you not to tell me lies!”

  I threw my hands up in front of my face just as he swung his closed fist at me and connected with my jaw, bringing me to my knees as a pain-laced scream finally tore free of my throat only to be met with harsh laughter.

  I felt hands holding mine before consciousness fully gripped me. As comforting as the touch was, it didn’t take away the fear that lingered inside of me. I felt confused, worried and slightly numb. I didn’t understand why I’d had a dream that felt as real as it did harsh. I wasn’t sure what had brought it on, or why I’d thought of it in the first place – all I knew was that it made me feel scared and incredibly uneasy.

  Fingertips brushed over the knuckles of my left hand, and the familiarity of it made my heart thud against my chest. I was aware of where I was before I opened my eyes. Everything came rushing back at me in waves. I lazily lifted my eyelids, and as my head ached it made me groan, filling the silence.

  “Mum?”

  “Noah?” Mum’s voice drew my attention to my right. “You’re okay, sweetie. I’m here.”

  “My head,” I murmured as I squinted against the sunlight in the room. “My head. It’s bloody killing me.”

  “I’ll get the nurse; the doctor had medication prescribed before the staff rotated this morning.”

  My eyes followed my father as he walked out of the room, and I was filled with deep concern for him. I remembered that he’d told me he was sick – stage two lung cancer, he had said. I needed to talk to him about it, I needed to talk to my parents about a lot of things. My mind was a mess, I didn’t know where to start and who to start with.

  “Noah?”

  My eyes landed on him before he finished saying my name, and I felt myself smile the moment I looked into his ocean-blue eyes. There was worry dwelling inside of them, but when I smiled it seemed to seep away until the eyes I looked into softened.

  “Elliot,” I breathed, my relief at seeing him evident in my voice. “I’m so happy you didn’t leave.”

  When I could no longer stay awake the night before, I had been worried that he would leave me. This was a whirlwind of a situation for me and I knew that it was for him too, because he was apparently no longer part of my life. He didn’t have to stay with me, but he had done – and I was so thankful because I needed him. That need for him was a tough pill for me to swallow because as much as I hated the fact, everything was different about Elliot and about me. The point I was at in my life apparently had no place for Elliot and I didn’t know what to do about that.

  To me he was still my person, my safe place . . . but the person I was in 2020 had turned her back on Elliot and I wasn’t yet sure whether or not it was for my own good. I thought about the nightmare I had just woken up from – the man who’d hurt me sounded like Elliot, but he had never ever hurt me before . . . not in the memories I had of him, anyway. I struggled with what I should do. Should I push him away like I had clearly already done, or should I kick all my concerns away because his presence, his touch, soothed me so deeply?

  I did the only thing I could do – I went with my gut, and my gut told me that Elliot was still the same man I believed he was in my mind and heart. I told myself my dream was just a figment of my imagination, and I prayed that I was right.

  “I told ye I wasn’t goin’ anywhere, green eyes.”

  “I know.” I swallowed. “I was just scared that maybe you’d change your mind.”

  “I haven’t,” he said as he gave my hand a squeeze. “And I won’t.”

  I relaxed. “Good. Was I asleep long? It’s morning.”

  “It’s just gone five past eleven,” Mum answered me. “You fell asleep around one this morning. You were exhausted.”

  “I still feel like I could sleep for a year,” I answered honestly. “I had a weird nightmare. I’m so tired it’s hard to think straight.” I looked around the room. “I still feel kind of disorientated, if I’m being honest. I can’t believe this is happening to me.”

  “I know, honey.” Mum gave my other hand a squeeze. “But we’re all here for you. You aren’t alone.”

  “Have you three been here all night?”

  “Of course.” Mum looked at me as if I’d gone mad. “Where else would we be?”

  “Mum.” I frowned. “You’ll make yourself sick if you don’t eat and sleep regularly. Dad looks in no condition to be at my beck and call.”

  “She’s right.” Elliot looked at my mum. “I’ll stay with her if you and Mr Ainsley want to go and get some rest.”

  I snorted. “You aren’t invincible either, Mr Firefighter.” I felt myself suddenly go pale as I stared at Elliot. “Are you even a fireman any more?”

  “Yes, I am,” he answered, then leaned forward. “What’s wrong?”

  Unexpected tears fell from my eyes and splashed on to my cheeks.

  “I don’t know anything about your life now,” I sniffled. “Everything is different now. Everything.”

  Elliot used his hands to wipe away my tears while Mum got up to grab me some tissues.

  “Well, that’s an easy fix. Start askin’ questions, good lookin’. Ye were always good at that.”

  I managed a laugh as I sniffled again, ignoring the ache in my head.

  “Are AJ and everyone else okay?” I questioned. “Your mum, your dad, Bailey? Is everyone okay?”

  There was a flicker of something in Elliot’s eyes, but before I could guess what it was, it was gone.

  “Good as can be,” he answered with a smile. “Everyone sends ye well wishes. They’ve all visited at some point when ye were sleepin’ off your coma, lazy bones.”

  Hearing everyone was okay was a relief.

  “Where is Bails? I’m surprised she’s not here with you.”

  Bailey was like Elliot’s shadow; she had been from the time she was little.

  “Australia,” Elliot said. “She lives in Australia. She moved away two years ago; she has a boyfriend there. We sort of had a fallin’ out, we don’t speak much any more.”

  Shock tore through me.

  “What?” I blinked. “Why? What the hell happened?”

  “Things changed, Noah.” He shrugged, not looking me in the eye. “Me and me parents weren’t happy with her movin’ away to be with someone she met online, and she rebelled against us, I guess.”

  I couldn’t believe it.

  “Phone her,” I demanded. “Let me speak to her.”

  “Can’t.” He cleared his throat. “We don’t have her number; she calls us when she wants to check in to let us know everything is okay. I . . . I spoke to her briefly yesterday; she won’t call again for a few months. That’s the way things are right now.”

  I was flabbergasted beyond belief. That didn’t sound a thing like the Bailey I knew. She was close to her family, she adored Elliot, and she loved me just about as much as I loved her. I called her my sister and she called me hers. To think she could have fallen out with her family and moved halfway around the world was unbelievable . . . but the situation I’d awoken to was something I still couldn’t believe myself, so I couldn’t dismiss what Elliot said about his sister – no matter how much I wanted to.

  “This is . . . I can’t wrap my head around this.”

  “You will in time,” Elliot said softly. “It’s just a change ye weren’t expectin’.”

  He was right about that.

  “Has anyone else moved away?” I quizzed. “AJ?”

  “AJ leave me side?” Elliot looked at me and grinned. “Not likely. That boy loves me.”

  I snorted. “I’m glad to hear your bromance is still going strong.”

  I looked at his face and couldn’t get past his beard, and when he noticed he huffed with laughter.

  “Go ahead.” He waved his hand, amusement dancing in his eyes. “Get the slaggin’ underway, I’m sure ye’ve plenty to say about the beard. Don’t hold back, lemme hear it.”

  With a grin I said, “It looks like a cat up and died on your mush.�
�

  Elliot’s deep laughter made me smile, and my mum beamed as she came back to my side and handed me a tissue.

  “Did ye lose a bet with AJ or something?” I continued, dabbing my cheeks until they were dry. “It seems like something he’d enjoy seeing on your face.”

  “Ye wound me, woman,” he said, still grinning. “Believe it or not, it was me own choice to grow it out.”

  “Make the choice to shave it off then, or trim it at least. You look like a bloody lumberjack or a Wookiee. Should I call you Chewbacca now?”

  Elliot’s laughter made my stomach erupt with butterflies. God, I loved his laugh. It was full of life and always brought a smile to my face when I heard it. Even now I was beaming, though my head felt like it was splitting in two. His laughter made me feel better. He made me feel better.

  “I’ll make ye a deal, I’ll trim me beard and keep up the maintenance if ye promise to take things easy while you’re recoverin’. What d’ye say to that, sasanach?”

  Sasanach. The familiarity of the teasing nickname he’d always called me enveloped me like a warm, cosy blanket.

  I winked. “You’ve got yourself a deal, Chewie.”

  My dad returned as Elliot began to laugh again; he looked between the pair of us and his whole face seemed to light up. I guessed he liked the fact that Elliot was cheering me up. I liked it too.

  “How are we feeling this morning?”

  I looked at the doorway as a young nurse entered; her skin was fairer than mine and her hair was a sunset orange, tied up in a bun on the top of her head. She had a bright smile on her freckled face which I found comforting.

  “Sore head,” I answered.

  “Any other pain?”

  I hesitated. “Honestly, I’m sore all over but it’s my head that’s the worst. My leg hurts like the devil too.”

  “This medication is strong, so it’ll likely make you a little drowsy, but that’s no harm, you need plenty of rest.”

  She moved to my right side, hung up an IV bag and connected it to a new line in my arm. A nurse must have put it in after I fell asleep last night.