by Casey, L. A.
The wind answered me with a low whistle, as a gust of dead leaves blew by my face.
“In me head I’ve been pretendin’ that nothin’ has happened to ye, that you’re just on holiday or really busy with uni and work. When that hasn’t worked I’ve been tryin’ me hardest not to think of ye at all, and I’m so sorry about that, baby.”
The backs of my eyes burned, but tears didn’t fall.
“I really miss ye, Bailey,” I said, my voice cracking as I exhaled a deep breath. “I miss ye so much, ye annoyin’ little shite.”
I stared at the oak cross with the tiny, polished gold plaque in the centre until I felt my chest burning with pain.
In loving memory of
Bailey McKenna
08.01.1998 – 19.03.2020
The little dash between her birth and death years didn’t look like much, but that small line was her whole entire life. It represented everything about her. Everything she ever thought, said or did. Every smile, laugh, and tear she shed. It was all in that tiny black dash. It was my little sister, my Bailey.
As I stared at her name, I thought back to the time of her first heartbreak, when she was just sixteen and felt like her whole world was ending. It was the first of many puppy-love heartbreaks, and one I would always remember.
“Elliot!”
I jumped when the door of my bedroom opened and slammed against the wall. I had the day off after working four days straight. I’d just come off a night shift, but my sister didn’t seem to care about that. With a groan, I buried my head in my pillow.
“Bails, I told ye I’d be sleepin’ today—”
When sniffles reached my ears, I cut myself off and jumped out of my bed so fast I almost gave myself whiplash. I was in front of my sister with my hands on her shoulders within seconds. When I saw her eyes were swollen and red-rimmed from crying, my gut churned and my jaw clenched.
“Did someone hurt ye?”
If she said yes, I didn’t know exactly what I was going to do, but whatever it was would likely get me arrested.
“Toby,” she cried. “He cheated on me!”
Her words were spoken on a sob, but I heard her. As she wrapped her arms around my waist and placed her head against my chest, I couldn’t help but feel a little relief. I could handle heartache, but someone physically hurting her was a whole other playing field.
I hugged her body to mine and kissed the crown of her head. She cried and cried until I found myself worrying that she would dehydrate herself. I never knew it was possible for someone to have so many tears inside them.
After ten minutes, I spoke.
“I know you’re hurtin’,” I said gently, trying to choose my words carefully. “And nothin’ is gonna make ye feel better right now, but I want you to remember that this boy is not worth your tears – or a second of your time, for that matter.”
Bailey’s sobs had reduced to sniffles as she nodded against my chest, letting me know she was listening to me.
“You did nothin’ wrong either,” I continued. “He’s just a stupid boy who didn’t realise he had himself a whole queen in you.”
I smiled when Bailey snorted. She always found it amusing when I used terms that she and her friends did.
“I feel stupid,” she exhaled. “Me friends told me he was a fuckboy and I didn’t listen.”
I sighed. “Ye should feel sorry for him and the girl he ripped ye off with, because he’ll likely do it to her too. What he’s done says a lot about him and the person he’ll likely become if he keeps this fuckery up.”
“Fuckery.” Bailey laughed as she pulled away from me and wiped her face with her T-shirt. “I’ll have to remember that.”
“I think ye dodged a bullet.” I brushed her hair back from her face. “If ye want me to batter him, say the word.”
Bailey smiled up at me as she hiccupped.
“He’s not worth it,” she said to me. “You’re right – I am a queen, and he’s not good enough for me.”
“Atta girl.”
She high-fived me when I raised my hand, then she hugged me once more.
“I love ye, Eli.” She visibly relaxed. “Ye always know what to say to make me feel better.”
I enveloped her back in my arms.
“I’m your big brother,” I said, kissing her forehead. “I’m always gonna be here for ye.”
A plane flying overhead brought me back to the present, and instead of looking at my sister’s sweet face, I was looking at her grave plot.
“I’m gonna do better,” I said to her as I glanced at the upturned dirt that was still in a mound over her grave. The day she was buried there had been dozens of flowers, teddies and cards, but only Bailey’s favourite flowers remained: a fresh bouquet of bloomed pink lilies. “I’m gonna visit ye a lot, and I’m gonna talk to ye when I can’t come here, just so y’know you’re always on me mind. Always.”
I scrubbed my face with my hands, my face feeling a little weird. I quickly remembered that I had just come from the barber shop. I was keeping up my end of the bargain that Noah and I had struck yesterday morning. I’d keep a freshly groomed beard, and she would get better.
“I bet I look different to ye,” I said to my sister with a snort. “Ye’ve been houndin’ me for months to clean up me beard and I finally did it. Ye have Noah ‘Bossy’ Ainsley to thank for it. She’s awake, baby. She’s awake . . . and she’s not doin’ too good. She has no memory of the last five years, it’s all gone. She doesn’t know that you’re in Heaven and she was involved in the crash that took ye; she just found out she has a husband who’s a stranger to her, that her da is sick and that we’re no longer together. We’re keepin’ your passin’ from her for now. I think it’s best until she gets better.”
I could imagine my sister calling me a dumbarse and it made me want to burst into laughter – and tears, because I never knew how much I needed to hear silly words like that from her until I could no longer hear them.
“I need ye to help me look after Noah, Bailey,” I pleaded softly. “God knows I can’t do it alone. Her parents think I can help her, but I’m a fuckin’ wreck meself, sis.”
I closed my eyes, then opened them again and looked up at the sky.
“How am I supposed to fix Noah when I’m broken too?”
I wasn’t asking my sister that question, but God instead. I had never been a religious man, and even less so since my sister died and I felt like He robbed her from me, but since I got word that Noah was awake and calling for me, I had begun to pray. It was for selfish reasons – I wanted Noah to get better because I couldn’t live in a world where she didn’t exist.
“Everything is a whole bloody mess, Bails.” I shook my head. “The only thing keepin’ me breathin’ right now is Noah. It’s not fair on her that she’s the glue keepin’ me together, but that’s just the way it is. I want to be the man for her, but is it cruel of me to take advantage of her memory loss? She doesn’t know Anderson now . . . but she did. I know the answer, it’s not fair, but I don’t care. No one can love her like I do, not even him.”
I rubbed my eyes, swiped my hand under my nose then got to my feet.
“I love ye, I miss ye . . . and I wish to God that I still had you with me, but ye’ll always be me baby, okay? I’m not givin’ up either . . . I know somethin’ was wrong that night. I don’t know why ye were with Noah or what scared ye both so bad but I’m gonna do me best to find out. I’ll get justice for ye, baby. I swear it.”
Knowing I would never receive an answer, I leaned down and kissed my sister’s name on the plaque and whispered, “I’ll see ye later.”
I walked back down the same pathway that had taken me to my sister’s grave, and I was surprised to find that each step I took didn’t feel like it weighed a thousand pounds. Each one was still heavy, and the weight of my sister’s passing still sat on my shoulders, but coming by and talking to her, being near her physical body, had helped the pain in my chest to not feel so consuming. For the moment, I cou
ld breathe a tiny bit easier.
It wasn’t a whole lot, and I didn’t know if it would ever feel much different than it did now, but it was a start.
“Now wait one fucking second.” AJ waved his hand in front of my face as we walked up the stairs of the hospital an hour later. “I’ve been telling you to tend to that monstrosity on your gob for months, and one word from Noah gets the job done?”
I was too impatient to wait for the elevator. I’d been desperate to see Noah since she sent me – and her parents – home last night to sleep, shower and eat. We were under strict instructions that we weren’t allowed to visit her until after ten in the morning every day, and we had to leave by eight in the evening otherwise she’d tell the nurses not to allow us access to her room.
I smiled thinking about it. She was definitely on the mend, and very much acting like the Noah I once knew – giving out orders like a dictator when she could barely stay awake long enough to have a conversation or hold her own head up. Though she was likely to be in the hospital for three or four more weeks, every minute of every day was part of her healing and was pushing her closer to recovery – closer to leaving the hospital altogether and starting a new life. One that I hoped would include me.
“It was a deal we agreed upon,” I said to AJ with a chuckle, rubbing my hand over my freshly groomed beard. “She wanted me to trim it and keep up with the maintenance in order for her to take it easy while recoverin’.”
“Eli.”
I paused mid-stride when AJ suddenly stopped climbing the steps. I looked back at him and raised an eyebrow in question.
“It’s good to hear you laugh and to see you smile, brother.”
I hadn’t realised I’d done either.
“Noah has given me a reason to do both.”
“How are you faring amongst all of this change? Really, man?”
“I visited Bailey this mornin’,” I answered, earning a whopping smile from AJ. “I haven’t been to see her since the funeral, but I went and talked with her for a while. I talked to her about everythin’ I was feelin’ and thinkin’. I felt better after it. I still feel crushed with pain over losin’ her, but I don’t know, breathin’ was a little easier when I left the cemetery.”
I leaned against the stair rail.
“As for Noah, bein’ with her is good for me. When I’m with her . . . I don’t feel trapped like I was before the wreck. I felt like I was stuck in time while life passed me by, and I hated that, man. Everythin’ that happened between me and Noah, it felt like a huge mountain to overcome, but now it feels more like a molehill. It’s taken almost fuckin’ losin’ her to put things into perspective for me. I don’t know if it’s healthy because I should be able to be on me own and not feel so stuck. All I know is she wants me, needs me, next to her, and that’s exactly where I’m gonna be until she says otherwise.”
Christ, I really hoped she’d never say otherwise.
“But, Irish, man. She doesn’t know about anything . . . what if she turns you away again when she eventually finds out or remembers on her own?”
Doubt filled my mind. Like a slithering snake, it coiled around me until I thought I might choke. AJ’s concern was literally my nightmare. I wanted to be there for Noah like she wanted me to, but I couldn’t deny that my stomach was sick with worry that she would suddenly get her memories back and no longer need – or want – me any more. I knew how much it hurt to have her not want me because it had happened once before, and if I was being honest with myself, I didn’t know if I had the strength to pick myself up if it happened a second time.
“I can’t think about anythin’ like that, AJ, I just can’t. I’ll drive meself mad. I just have to take things as they come.”
AJ bobbed his head in understanding. “Just remember that I’m here for you. I know I’m not as pretty as Noah, but mate, you’ll never have to shoulder anything alone while I’m around.”
I gave him a hug, which he returned with a firm pat on my back.
“Thanks, brother.”
We continued up the stairs until we made it to the ICU floor. I felt myself grow nervous as I approached the double doors that led to where Noah was. I was terrified that she’d suddenly got all of her memories back and would turn me away again, but I had to force that fear down. I couldn’t think about myself, I had to think about Noah. I wanted her to get better. I needed her to.
And if that meant she got all of her memories back, so be it.
The ICU was guarded by security twenty-four hours a day to keep patients’ visitors to a minimum. Luckily, the guard didn’t seem to be in much of a mood to do his job, because he didn’t look up from his phone as we passed him. AJ dropped behind me when I came to a stop outside Noah’s room. I gently knocked on the door then opened it. I smiled at her parents, who were sitting and reading as Noah slept.
“How is she?”
“Doing well,” Mr Ainsley answered. “She’s been asleep since we got here at half nine . . . If she asks, we’re saying we came in at ten like she told us to.”
I smiled as AJ moved into view beside me.
“Ajax, honey.” Mrs Ainsley got to her feet. “Lovely to see you.”
She moved across the room and gave him a hug, which he returned with enthusiasm – making Mrs Ainsley giggle as she swatted her hand against his chest.
“Still looking as gorgeous as ever, Mrs A,” he said, winking. “Your husband is a lucky man.”
“AJ,” a voice that brought a smile to my face said. “I know I’m stuck in the past, but you should’ve left those cheesy lines there too.”
I laughed as AJ crossed the room and gave Noah the gentlest hug I had ever seen him manage. He was a bear-hugger – even I’d got out of breath once or twice when he squeezed a little too hard – but he was as gentle as a feather with Noah now. I appreciated it, and I know she did too.
“You’re a sight for sore eyes, Nono,” AJ said to Noah, placing a loud kiss on her forehead. “You scared seven shades of shit outta of me, just so you know. Apologise.”
Noah laughed, and so did her parents. I smiled but I also watched her face, noticing how she winced ever so slightly with the action. Her head was still giving her trouble. I looked at her father, and he glanced at me at the same time, seeming to have noticed the same thing. I gestured for him to come out into the hall with me.
“I’m showin’ Elliot where the coffee and tea station is,” he said.
Noah’s eyes dashed to mine and I saw panic fill those pretty greens.
“I’ll be right back,” I assured her. “Promise.”
She relaxed, nodded and looked back at AJ, who was asking her why she hadn’t yet apologised to him and making her grin. I left the room with her father while she was distracted, and we walked down the hallway until we were out of earshot.
“The nurse told us she had a bumpy night,” Mr Ainsley informed me. “She didn’t want us to be called, but her headaches got bad enough that they gave her morphine to kill the pain. She’s having another MRI done this afternoon to compare with the earlier scans from when she was in her coma, but as far as the doctors are concerned, she’s a miracle. She can talk, her motor skills seem to be normal, and she’s engaging in conversation to try to jog her memory. The only obvious brain damage that they can see is the severity of her amnesia.”
I digested this as I shifted from foot to foot.
“What if she wakes up and forgets everything again?” I asked nervously. “I’ve read stories where a person will wake up every day and remember nothing from the day before. Someone like Noah, who hurt their head in an accident.”
It scared the life out of me to think something like that could happen to Noah on a daily basis.
“Son, you can’t go and worry about every little thing that might go wrong. The list would be never-ending otherwise.”
“You’re right.” I nodded as I scratched my chin. “Of course you’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just scared shitless, but I can’t show it in front of her.
She looks at me like I can make everythin’ better and I don’t think I can. I’m not the man she thinks I am, sir.”
To Noah, I was the man she knew when we were twenty-four, but that man no longer existed. I could see it in her eyes when I looked at her . . . she was in love with me, but not the man I was today; she loved the man she once knew. I couldn’t begin to think what I would do if she got her memories back and that love in her eyes faded to nothingness. It was a possibility I had to try to prepare for . . . She’d picked Anderson over me once before, so who was to say that she wouldn’t pick him again once she knew everything?
“You’re every bit the man she thinks you are and you’re more. You’re the man my child will end up with, I know it in my heart. I call you ‘son’ for a reason, Elliot.” Mr Ainsley embraced me before I could say a word. “Day by day, remember? We’ll see our girl back on her feet, just you wait and see.”
We separated and I straightened my spine.
“I’ve one other thing we need to talk about,” he continued.
Dread washed over me.
“What is it?”
“It’s Anderson. He showed up here in the middle of the night, and when the security guard wouldn’t let him in to see Noah, he threatened to file a police report.”
“He what?” I blinked in disbelief. “A report? On what fuckin’ grounds?”
“I’m not entirely sure.” Mr Ainsley pinched the bridge of his nose. “Doctor Abara, he’s the lead doctor who looks after Noah, he observed the night she awoke in Anderson’s presence and he doesn’t want him around her right now because of how she reacted to him. Her mental health, and her health overall, is what’s important. Anderson seems to believe we’re keeping him away from her without her consent.”
I clenched my hands into fists.
“He’s not thinking of her, only him-fuckin’-self!”
“Try to think of it from his perspective, Eli,” Mr Ainsley softly chided. “His wife almost dies in a car accident then is in a fifteen-day coma, and when she wakes up, she has no memory of him, or their marriage, and she still believes she’s dating her ex-boyfriend, who he dislikes.”