by Casey, L. A.
“I’m sure it was.” Elliot ran his fingertips over my knuckles. “I don’t know meself because I left it too long to go after ye. I figured ye’d need some space, and when I realised ye weren’t comin’ back, it was too late. I believed ye’d come back even though part of me knew ye wouldn’t.”
“I’m sorry that I didn’t come back and at least have a proper talk with you. Hearing this hurts, I won’t lie, but I know you were dealing with a lot at the time with your parents’ divorce. I think I let hurt and anger consume me to the point where I made decisions that hurt you. I never want to hurt you, Elliot. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, green eyes. I know.”
“You’re taking the blame for our relationship ending, but I want you to know that it was both of us. At the time it was wanting different things that broke us apart, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for that. You felt how you felt and so did I.”
Elliot didn’t answer me, but I saw him process my words.
“I never thought we’d turn out like this.” I exhaled a shaky breath. “I thought you’d be my forever person.”
His eyes locked on mine. “I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t.”
I blinked. “Meaning you’d never have told me you didn’t want to get married, or—”
“Meaning if I knew what life was like without ye, I’d never have come to the conclusion about marriage that I did. I was scared that our marriage would be jinxed and our love would be ruined if we got married, but how much more wrecked could things have got than they already are? I fucking lost ye, honey.”
I removed my hands from Elliot’s and placed them over my face.
“I want to believe you, but it’s hard now.”
He was always the one person who gave me blatant honesty, but now my trust in him was shattered and I didn’t know if it was beyond repair. Maybe that honesty I’d lost in Elliot was what I’d found in Anderson? I didn’t know.
“What happened next?” I mumbled into my hands. “When you tried to speak to me?”
“Ye had already moved on,” Elliot answered. “I left it too late to fix everythin’. Ye never spoke to me again until after ye woke up from your coma.”
My stomach churned. I knew I was still hurt by his decision about marriage and about him keeping it from me – I was experiencing that hurt right now. But it was very hard for me to imagine that I’d just shut Elliot out of my life completely without even trying to resolve matters between us. I stared at him, shocked to find that I was gauging whether or not he was telling the truth. That was something I’d never had to do with Elliot before.
Then I looked into his ocean blues and felt a weight fall off of my shoulders. He wasn’t lying to me. I had to look a little longer, but I saw truth in his eyes, not deceit.
“I don’t know why I didn’t give you a second chance.” I lowered my hands from my face. “Maybe my hurt turned to anger, and it fuelled how things panned out. For that, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Elliot said. “Things likely would have been different if I was honest with ye from the jump. Maybe we could have worked through my doubts or maybe we still would have spilt, I don’t know. Hindsight is a great thing; I know things now that I didn’t then.”
“Like what?”
“That losin’ ye broke me.”
I bit down on my lower lip to keep from crying.
“But you still came to me when I called for you, even though my decision broke you.”
“I’ll always come runnin’ when ye need me, sasanach.” His gaze softened. “You’re my person.”
I tried again to think of why things had played out the way they did. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to force the memory to the surface, but then I screamed out as sudden agony slammed into my head and I felt my body go tense and rigid as pain crippled me. I felt stuck.
I heard voices, felt hands on me, and the pain eased back as numbness spread over me like a veil of feathers. Then there was silence – mind-numbing, blissful silence.
“El-Elliot?”
“I’m here,” his voice answered. “I’m here, Noah. I’m not goin’ anywhere, honey . . . I’ll get the doctor, he wanted to be called when you woke up.”
I drifted back into sleep for a few moments but then decided that I wanted to wake up. It took a few tries, but I managed to open my eyes – and instead of Elliot’s face hovering over me, I was staring up at Doctor Abara. I felt myself blink very slowly as I stared up at him. He smiled down at me. “Hello, Noah.”
Oh, no.
“Did I forget everything again?” I rasped. “Is it the year 2030 now? Do we have a new prime minister?”
I thought I heard Elliot curse as he laughed, but I wasn’t sure. It sounded kind of distant, but at the same time not. My head felt foggy, like I was tipsy from a few drinks.
The doctor grinned. “Nope, still 2020 with the same PM.”
Relief filled me.
“What happened?” I questioned as I flexed my fingers. “How long was I out?”
“A few hours or so.”
“I was talking to Elliot then my head just . . . burned.”
“Yes, Elliot told me what happened.” Doctor Abara frowned like my dad had when I was being naughty as a child. “You are in no condition to be frolicking around with your man, no matter how well you think you are, Noah.”
I furrowed my brow in confusion.
“Frolicking?” I repeated in bewilderment. “I wasn’t frolicking – oh my God! Elliot told you I tried to seduce him?”
Memories assaulted me and humiliation reddened my cheeks.
Doctor Abara raised an eyebrow. “Yes.”
“I’m gonna bloody kill him.”
I heard a couple of snickers and tensed.
“Is he here?”
“Yes,” the doctor answered. “Your parents too.”
“I beg your pardon?” I asked, raising my voice only to wince as my head ached. “I’m really gonna kill him. My dad knows what I did?”
“Yes,” the doctor answered casually, like we weren’t having the most mortifying conversation in history. “Any double vision?”
“No,” I answered. “Your voice sounds a little distant though, and I feel a little dizzy.”
He nodded. “Your pain levels?”
“Low right now,” I answered. “Was I given morphine?”
At his nod, I sighed. “I don’t like that stuff. It makes everything all foggy and it’s hard to think.”
“Try thinking a little less,” the doctor suggested. “You may feel like you’re recovering fast, but it’ll take your brain a very long time to be back to full functionality.”
“That’s just great,” I sighed when he frowned. “I’m sorry, I’m being grouchy. Sore head and all.”
Doctor Abara’s lips twitched. “Take care of yourself. The next time I see you I want to be discharging you. I don’t like getting emergency pages that one of my patients who was in the ICU just a few days ago has collapsed.”
His scolding was gentle, but very effective.
“I understand, sir. Thank you for coming by and taking care of me.”
He gave me a nod and a smile, then disappeared from view. I heard him talking in low tones with Elliot and my parents. I didn’t ask what they were talking about because, for once, I didn’t want to know. What I wanted was for the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I closed my eyes, wishing I could forget the conversation that had just taken place, but I couldn’t.
“Is there any point in me pretending to be asleep in the hopes that you’ll all leave me to die in this bed of shame and humiliation?”
Chuckles filled the void.
“Not a chance, sasanach.”
I refused to smile. I was mad at him.
“You, get out,” I grumbled. “I’m not talking to you, big mouth.”
I opened my eyes and Elliot’s face grinned down at me. “My bad. I got scared and just told the doctor everything. I thought maybe all that kissing messed
with your head.”
“Your kisses aren’t that amazing, paddy.”
He laughed, leaned down and kissed my cheek.
“Ye scared me, green eyes,” he whispered in my ear. “Me heart just about stopped when I couldn’t wake ye up. Ye screamed so loud.”
I frowned. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”
He straightened up and used the remote to raise the top half of my bed when I asked him to. My parents were next to me then, and I felt horrible when I saw tears on my mum’s face.
“Mummy,” I said into her hair as she hugged me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m okay.”
She held me for a very long time, and Dad held my hand, squeezing it. I knew I hadn’t chosen what was happening to me, but I still felt horrible that I was putting them through all this worry.
“I’ll do what the doctor says,” I assured my three keepers when they each took a seat. “I promise.”
“We know you will,” Dad said sternly. “Because we’ll make sure of it.”
I wondered how they intended to do that.
“Elliot told me about how we broke up.”
“Don’t think about it,” Elliot chided. “That conversation is what made ye collapse. I should have never opened me bleedin’ mouth.”
I looked at him. “It wasn’t the conversation; I was trying to think of why I did what I did when I strongly disagree with how things turned out. I was just . . . I was just pushing my brain a little too hard, I guess.”
“Ye know why we broke up,” Elliot grunted. “We don’t need to talk about it any more. Ye can’t change what happened even if ye could remember it, which ye can’t.”
It sounded so simple when he put it like that, but it was far from simple and far from being resolved. We had a lot to work through and, deep down, he knew it.
“I need to know these things, Elliot,” I countered. “I won’t hurt myself again, I’ll just listen.”
“Noah.”
“I feel like I’m a book that’s filled with blank pages . . . I need words to make me complete.”
“No.”
For a moment, I was rendered silent.
“Are you afraid that every bit of information I learn will cause me to collapse?”
“Yes.”
“So you’re gonna withhold things from me, things that I need to know?”
“Yes,” he stated, more firmly this time. “Don’t test me on this. Ye were overwhelmed and it hurt ye. I won’t be tellin’ ye a thing until you’re stronger.”
“Elliot, honesty means a lot to me. I can’t even trust my own memory because my mind is stuck in the past. This is important to me.”
“Look at me.” He moved closer. “I hurt you. I know I did, and I’ll always be sorry, Noah. I’m not here for the sole purpose of gettin’ you back. If ye tell me right now that ye want Anderson over me but still need me as your friend, I’ll be here as your friend. I’m here for you. I would never go out of me way to hurt and confuse you; I’ve learned my lesson. Can’t ye trust me, love?”
“I want to, I do, but everything is different. I need the truth about everything.” I looked at my parents. “Tell him.”
“We agree with him,” Dad replied, shocking me.
“But Dad—”
“I said no, Noah.”
I snapped my gaze to Elliot and was tempted to shove him.
“Who made you the boss of me?”
“You did,” he answered. “When ye told me you still love me.”
I went silent as I remembered the words I’d spoken before I kissed him, just hours ago.
“Just because I love you doesn’t mean you get to dictate everything I do.”
“I’m not tryin’ to dictate anythin’, Noah. I swear to God, I’m not tryin’ to upset you, but I’m terrified that learnin’ something too soon could kill you. So be mad at me if you want, but until the doctor says you’re healthy, we’re keepin’ our mouths shut.”
I was furious with him and with myself, because even through my anger I could see his fucking point.
“The bloody audacity!” I spluttered, feeling powerless and unheard. “Dad! Are you listening to this?”
“Yup.” He nodded, completely unbothered that I was being bossed around like a kid. “You’ll listen to Elliot more than you will us.”
My jaw dropped. “That’s not true, Dad.”
I looked between the three faces I had always loved and admired, and I felt like they were caging me in with their decisions. They barely took my feelings into consideration about what was best for me, and it made me feel helpless. I found myself wanting Anderson here to be in my corner. He seemed to be the only person who was willing to tell me about my life, even if it was only snippets.
“Mum asked you to wait until she was here to bathe, yet you got this one” – he jabbed his thumb at Elliot – “in that room half-naked with you in no time. His word is law until you’re better.”
Horrified, I looked at Elliot.
“You told my parents about what happened in the bathroom?”
“I was scared.” He locked his hands behind his head and avoided everyone’s eyes but mine. “Once I started talkin’, everythin’ that happened spilled out. I couldn’t stop meself.”
I lifted my hands to my face and groaned. “You’re unbelievable, Elliot.”
“Sorry.”
He was sorry, I could hear it in his voice. He actually sounded embarrassed.
“My leg hurts.” I blinked sleepily. “And I’m so poxy tired. I hate the morphine.”
“Go to sleep,” Mum prompted.
“I will when you all go home,” I challenged. “Sitting here while I’m sleeping is stupid. I’ll be out until morning now that I’ve got morphine in my system.”
My parents shared a look. They didn’t want to leave me.
“Just come here earlier tomorrow,” I reasoned. “I hate when you’re all stuck here with me all day doing nothing.”
Dad acquiesced. “Fine, we’ll leave and be back in the morning.”
“I’ll do your washing,” Mum said. “Elliot, go get me her dirty clothes from the bathroom, please.”
My parents stood up, and both of them hugged and kissed me and told me that they loved me. Elliot put my dirty clothes into one of the smaller bags Mum had packed for this kind of situation. Dad took the bag from him, then my parents left the room.
“You go with them.”
“I’ll leave when you’re asleep.”
“Elliot.”
“Noah.”
“You can’t just sit here with me all the time.” I scowled. “You have a life.”
He shook his head. “Work was my life, and now that I’m on leave I’m not doin’ anythin’ else. I want to be here with ye.”
Arguing with him was hard when he was being so sweet and selfless. Staying mad at him was something I had never been very good at anyway. I didn’t hold grudges; I’d always believed that a person should never go to bed angry. My situation was unique, but I was glad to find that my principles hadn’t changed – no matter how much everything else did.
“Don’t you want to go to the pub with AJ, Stitch, Tank and Pretty?”
“Stitch, Tank and Pretty are married with babies. They don’t know what a pub is now.”
I sucked in a breath of shock and joy.
“They’re not!” I squealed. “They’re all married, and they have babies? Oh my God!”
Elliot smiled at my obvious delight.
“Ye’ll see them all once you’re better. I’ve spoken to them and they all send ye their best wishes.”
I knew they did. I’d had a beautiful flower wreath sent to me from the station – Mum had taken it home once the flowers started to die. I couldn’t believe Elliot’s friends were married and had children, and it made me curious about something.
“Elliot?”
“What?”
“Why aren’t you in a relationship?”
He shifted. “Pretty ha
rd findin’ a woman to deal with me when it’s never goin’ to be a secret that I love another woman.”
My breath caught in my throat. Part of me was elated that he was still in love with me – even though he’d not actually said I was that woman, I knew he was talking about me. The other part of me was heartbroken for him, even though I was hurt over our break-up too.
“You’ve been all alone since I left?”
He stared at me for a moment. “I don’t want to hurt ye, Noah.”
“I know,” I said. “You’d never intentionally hurt me.”
Elliot had changed from how I remembered him – all the things I’d learned since waking up proved that – but I knew his heart, and I was sure that hadn’t changed.
“I also won’t lie to you,” he continued.
I swallowed. “You haven’t been all alone . . . have you? Do you have someone new that you’re seeing regularly?”
When Elliot shook his head, I was so relieved that I couldn’t contain it; my shoulders sagged as I lost my stiff posture. The panic that had been quietly building faded until I could breathe again.
“It’s okay.” I attempted to smile. “I got married; I have no right to harbour any jealousy about you being with someone else.”
Christ, just the thought of it made me want to vomit.
“It’s not like that,” he sighed, and leaned in. “I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone other than you. I slept around a lot during an angry phase not long after ye got married, and I had sex with women I met in pubs or clubs over the last few years. But it was just sex, just something to make me not feel so empty.”
Pain sliced through me.
“I wish everything had happened differently.”
“Me too, sasanach,” he said, smiling sadly. “Me too.”
“I love you, Elliot,” I said. “I do, but we need to put a pin in us until I can process all I’ve learned today. Okay?”
“Okay,” he agreed. “We’ll go at your pace.”
“Will you hug me?” I asked. “Today was . . . a lot.”
Without another word he leaned into me, allowing me to press my face against his neck. I inhaled and felt him tense ever so slightly. He placed his hand on my back and began to stroke up and down, relaxing me even more.