“Uncle Jerry’s running late,” Seth filled in for him. Uncle Jerry was always a bit late. It wasn’t a big deal. In fact, it had begun to be expected.
Forcing himself to relax and act completely normal, despite his racing heart that he was sure Blaine could hear as he laid there next to him acting like he was practically asleep, Adam laid down beside him. He crossed his hands over his stomach and wondered how Blaine would take him being a guy once he came out. He wasn’t worried about Blaine not wanting to date him or anything like that. Adam knew Blaine was seriously out of his league. And, unlike Adam’s cousin, Blaine actually kept the girls he dated a secret. Adam knew, because he had checked Blaine’s social media posts for years, trying to see the kind of girls he was into. It wasn’t stalking. It was research. Back when he hadn’t really known who he was, but still knew that he felt different from most girls, he had briefly thought being more like the kind of girls Blaine liked would have made him more normal.
“How’s school?” Blaine asked him.
Seth snorted. “It’s school. It sucks. What else is she supposed to say?”
“Didn’t know you switched bodies with your cousin,” Blaine said to him before turning back to Adam. He tried hard not to blush when he could tell Blaine was looking at him even though he still had his sunglasses on. They made him look a lot older than sixteen. “La-La?”
Adam licked his lips and looked back up at the bright blue sky. It was hard to take his attention away from Blaine, though. Damn. When Blaine was around, Adam was crazy for him, but he knew it was nothing. It could never be anything either, because Blaine liked girls, and Adam definitely wasn’t one. “School’s okay. My lit class is kind of hard, though. We’ve got a heavy reading load. But it’s a college prep course so I guess I should expect that. I’m really bad at math too. I write down the questions and just want to cry for a while.”
That wasn’t an exaggeration at all, but Seth laughed like Adam been joking. Blaine frowned at him.
“It’s not a big deal,” Adam backtracked. “I’ll stay late and get some extra help or something.”
“Or you could just call me for some help,” Blaine offered. “My college prep courses are all math and chemistry.”
Because—of course—he was super smart. Adam read books then wrote papers about what he thought they could possibly mean. And most of the time he was just guessing and somehow, miraculously, he got it right. He knew that would never fly in math or science. There was no fudging anything there. Maybe that was why he sucked so hard at those courses. They were just too blunt for him, with absolutely no wiggle room to explain why he came up with a certain conclusion and hoped he BSed his way through the essay enough to get it at least half-right.
“Really?” Adam tried not to sound too hopeful, and was sure he failed miserably. There was just no real way for him to be cool around Blaine.
“Yeah. Of course. You’re my best friend’s cousin. Not like I’m going to let you fail math class if I can help it. Seth’s mom would never let me live it down.” He turned back to looking up at the sky and Adam tried to breathe again. Of course that was all the offer was. He wanted to help out his friend’s cousin. Adam felt stupid for getting his hopes up, even a little bit, that it could have been anything more.
Still, he knew that he’d be taking Blaine up on his offer. Adam desperately needed the help. “Sure. Thanks.” He focused on a group of clouds that looked like an alligator chasing after a bear. “Too bad you can’t take my tests for me.”
Blaine laughed, as did Seth. Adam had been talking to Blaine, but it was Seth who answered him. “Yeah, that’s a definite dead end. I’ve tried. Even got a fake school ID made and got some hair dye so he could pass for blond for a day. He refused and I failed my stupid chemistry midterm.” Seth really didn’t do whiny well. Adam had no idea how he got as many girls as he did to like him. If Adam was a girl, and Seth wasn’t his idiot cousin, he knew that he probably would have kicked Seth between his legs for even talking to him. Maybe nothing that extreme, actually, but Seth wouldn’t have been able to get out more than two words to Adam before he would have been walking away from him. Adam just didn’t have the patience for guys like him. There was also the chance that he knew Seth too well to find any of his crap charming.
“You only failed because you didn’t ask for help until the morning of the test and by then you were months behind on the concepts,” Blaine elaborated. “You did fine on your final, after I worked with you so much my brain started to hurt from trying to force ideas into the black hole you call a cranium. So, you’re welcome.”
“Yeah, yeah. Thanks again. You saved my butt.” Seth sounded genuinely thankful for once. Adam used to wonder, before Seth had started posting all the photos of the girls he went out with like they were some wall of trophies or something, if Seth and Blaine could have been together. They were close enough to be. And Adam knew that he would have been happy for them. Jealous, but happy. But nope, Seth and Blaine were both straight. And Blaine was totally never going to be his. Nope. Not even a little.
The biggest problem was, when they weren’t camping, which was the only time Adam ever saw him, Adam barely even thought about Blaine anymore. Sure, Adam used to be all about him. But he’d grown up a bit. And maybe he’d grown out of his near obsession with Blaine some too. When they were apart the only attention he really paid to Blaine was when Seth posted a photo of the two of them together. Normally it was some strange selfie of them skateboarding, or at the mall. Then of course there were the mass of girls who commented the most ridiculous things like how hot they were and how they’d love to be in that sandwich. It was a massive what-the-F-ever moment for Adam. He usually commented on how Seth had a piece of food in his teeth, or he asked who the cute guy behind them was and said that they were taking up too much of the picture. Anything but what he wanted to say, but absolutely couldn’t. Because there was no way in hell Adam would be letting Blaine know, ever, that he liked him. That was just asking for trouble. And Adam was trying to stay out of that as much as possible these days.
“I’m gonna go set up my tent and see if anyone needs help with anything,” Adam said as he rolled over and got to his feet.
“See ya,” Blaine said.
Seth was back to checking out the girls who had turned him down. Hopefully they wouldn’t think he was a massive creep for staring at them like he was. But even if they did, his girl problems weren’t Adam’s. He had enough girl problems all on his own, seeing as how this was the week everyone in his family would find out that he absolutely was not one.
Adam hummed to himself as he headed back to where the rest of the family was setting up the camp. His dad hugged him. So did his aunts and uncles. Then his aunt handed him a bag of chips and some waters to take down to the guys.
“I just came from there. And they didn’t seem hungry,” he protested.
Aunt Amy, Seth’s mom, handed him a couple of bananas as well. “Growing boys need food constantly. You’ll understand when you get married and have kids of your own.”
Adam was seriously looking forward to no longer hearing things like that once he came out. He’d be someone’s husband, not their wife, and his husband could help get food to the kids too. “Fine,” Adam grumbled.
“Good girl. Hurry back. The football game will be starting soon.”
“Yay.” He headed back down the beach before anyone could comment on his sarcasm. “Here,” he said, dumping the food and waters into the sand next to Seth.
“Weren’t you going to go set up your tent or something?” he asked, looking up with a decidedly bored expression.
Adam shrugged. “I got roped into feeding you two.”
Seth grinned and took a water for himself and one for Blaine too. “Well, if you’re still at our beck and call, I’d like a brownie. With ice cream. And caramel sauce if anyone remembered to bring any.”
“Don’t be a jerk,” Blaine spoke up.
“Angela knows I’m just messing wit
h her,” Seth shot back, elbowing him.
Adam shook his head at both of them. “Football game’s starting soon.” He wanted to go back to hanging out with them instead of watching his family run around and play football. But he also needed to put up his tent so he would have somewhere to stash all his stuff, and eventually get changed into his bathing suit as soon as the game was over. The water would be freezing this early in the morning but it looked so perfect with waves crashing against the beach. The wild ponies walked along over the sand at least a mile away from them all. “See you later,” Adam said, heading back up the beach again. He hoped no one would send him off to do something again, and this time he got his wish as he was able to put together his simple little tent in peace.
When Adam was done, he laid down in it and just let the breeze come through the screen openings that were like patches all over the tent. It was really only big enough for him, and barely so in fact since it had been his since he was ten, and he loved that because it made the tent his own private space where no one else was invited. Adam had his stuff and he had his own makeshift room. It was all his and it kept him away from everyone else, and for a little while, he felt like he was completely alone.
At least, until Uncle Jerry called him over to help with the food since the guys were going to play football. With a sigh, he got up and headed over to the gray plastic folding tables that had been set up as food stations while they were there. His family was nothing if not organized, with the grill already going and dips and vegetable plates laid out for people to grab. And of course, as always, there was more than enough food for at least twenty people, and Adam knew there was plenty more food in the coolers since they would all need to eat for the rest of the week too. They were his crazy, over-prepared family and he loved them all.
“Angela, get the apricot chutney and brie out please,” Aunt Amy said. Her husband was already off warming up for football, just like Uncle Jerry was. Uncle Jerry’s new wife, Aunt Sarah, was working on her tan. She was an adult so she didn’t have to help them get food ready for the men, but his mom and Aunt Amy would be talking about her and her laziness within the next few hours. That was always the way it went with Jerry’s wives, and there had been several of them, each cast from the same self-obsessed mold.
Adam did as he’d been told, getting the cheese and little glass jar out so Aunt Amy could make little cracker treats for everyone. She was a self-declared foodie, which was fine for when they had family dinners at her house over the holidays. She’d made Cornish hens for each of them last year and Adam thought that it was nice to have his own mini chicken that he didn’t have to share with anyone so he didn’t have to fight for the white meat. But apricot chutney and brie cracker sandwiches was a bit overkill for beach food. She had brought chocolate-chip cookies, though, so who was he to say anything about her food choices? He snuck one of them while his mom and aunt finished getting everything set up.
Then Adam stood back, found a slightly shady spot by one of the trucks, and tried really hard to make it look like he wasn’t watching Blaine run around and chase the other guys without his shirt on.
Family vacation, he’s out of my league, he likes girls… Screw it, just watch enjoy the view and try not to get caught staring. I hope I can look half that good when I’m a real boy.
Adam loved when his brain stopped fighting with him. He nibbled on his cookie and watched Blaine run back and forth trying to make a touchdown between the lines drawn in the sand on either side of their campsite. It was a really informal game but they had fun and Adam was enjoying watching him.
Two hours later someone won, but since they were all smiling and Adam really hadn’t been paying much attention, he couldn’t have said which team it was. He had been far too busy paying attention to Blaine.
Before anyone could notice Adam was gone, he snuck back to his tent and quickly started changing. He got his board shorts on easily but he still hesitated at the bikini top. He could have gone swimming with just a T-shirt over the top, but he really didn’t like doing that. And besides, Adam wanted to get a tan. He wanted to show off the upper body muscles he was working on at the school gym. He was starting to get pretty proud of his shoulders and biceps, though he did have a long way to go before he’d be anywhere near as muscular as Blaine was. Right now he was barely at the level of Seth’s pathetic little physique. And he couldn’t show off with his shirt on. With a soft, resigned sigh he tied the bikini top on and decided to simply suck it up. Adam was obviously built like a girl with boobs sticking out, small as they were, and he didn’t like that one bit. He wanted the flat chest and nice abs that Blaine had. And he apparently had no problem showing off his own body as Adam saw him already in the water, waist deep in the surf.
Adam put his long hair back into a ponytail and ran into the waves too, fast as he could so that no one could stop him, or see him with a bikini top on until he was much deeper in the water. Blaine laughed behind him as he dove into the cold water as soon as it was up to his hips. Adam loved swimming and the freedom of it. When he was underwater there was just the ocean, the waves, and the sun breaking through the surface.
He was all alone and, for a little while, his body felt just like he wanted it to. He didn’t have the body he wanted to when he was walking around, but with his hair out of his face, he became unaware of the things he didn’t like about the shape he had been born into and he was just himself. He was Adam and yeah, he was short for a guy, but maybe he would grow a bit taller someday. And there were still guys out there that were five and a half feet tall. He could live with never being six feet tall. But he couldn’t be in this body forever. He knew that. Fifteen years was long enough. He was ready to go be himself.
After a few minutes of being under, he had to come back up for air. He was far enough away from the beach that he couldn’t touch the ocean floor. Glancing behind him, toward the shore, his family appeared small and busy, and he instantly started looking for Blaine.
Adam knew he was half in love with Blaine, and seriously into him. He had never really liked anyone else but maybe part of that was that he had always really just wanted Blaine. He didn’t know if that was it, but he couldn’t help thinking maybe it was.
Blaine showed himself a few seconds later by popping up right next to him. “Damn, you’re fast. Wow.” He was out of breath as he pushed his hair out of his eyes and looked over at Adam.
He liked Blaine’s compliment and hoped he wasn’t blushing. “You didn’t have to follow me out here, you know. I would’ve come back when I was ready to.”
Blaine treaded water next to him, both of them waving their arms through the water to keep floating. Sometimes his feet even touched Adam’s as he kicked out. The brief contact sent little shivers through Adam each time it happened. “Sure. I know that. But if you’d gotten eaten by a shark or something, your parents would’ve killed me. Last one to see you alive and all. Plus, how rare is it that we actually get some time to talk without Seth putting himself into the conversation?”
Adam laughed. He couldn’t remember any time when that had been the case. “So…you wanted to talk about something?” he guessed.
“Yeah. Maybe. Wanted to make sure you knew to call me. For whatever. I know I live a half hour away but it’s not like it’s the other side of the planet or anything. You should still call. Math homework, chemistry help…just ’cause you feel like talking.” He shrugged. There was a nervous edge to Blaine’s tone.
Adam tried to come up with something to say to that. He had friends. A few of them, anyway. And he would be going to them in case he needed help a lot sooner than he would be going to Blaine. But he was really nice to offer to be another one of his friends. And Adam hoped after he told everyone his big secret, Blaine wouldn’t change his mind and suddenly want nothing to do with him.
Blaine stared at Adam like he expected him to come up with some kind of an answer so he nodded. “I’ll call you. Assuming I need something you can help me with.”
“Sounds good. Race you back to the beach?”
Laughing, Adam nodded at him. Before he could say anything, though, Blaine was already diving back under the surface, barely making a ripple in his quick, precise movements. Adam didn’t know how he’d managed to do that, since he loved to swim too but even he wasn’t that good. But he didn’t waste time wondering about it as he chased after Blaine as fast as he could. Adam caught up to him a few times, and he thought Blaine might have even slowed down to match his speed there for a little bit, but in the end he was the one running onto the beach grinning and Adam was panting as he collapsed on the sand, the surf still lapping at his ankles.
Seth leaned over him, looking like he was trying not to laugh too much. “Don’t feel bad about losing, Angela. You did good. Only reason he beat you is because you’re a girl.”
Adam knew he shouldn’t have done it, because it was mean, but as soon as he said that Adam reached out and grabbed Seth’s ankle hard enough to make him lose his balance. He laughed as he fell, and Adam tried to join in with him, but his reminder had broken whatever spell Adam had been able to get himself under while he’d been underwater. He had been able to forget about being a girl for a few minutes and just swim. Stupid Seth had to remind him that he didn’t have the body he wanted at all. And even though being an asshole—intentionally or not—was something Seth was good at, the jibe still hurt.
Blaine was smiling as Adam got up and walked past him. He offered him a high five and Adam gave it to him. “Good job,” Adam said as he headed back to his own tent.
“You did good too!” Blaine called after him when he was already a good five feet from him and had his back to him. Adam really hoped no one caught him blushing. He went back to his tent and changed out of the bikini top. He wanted to leave his board shorts on since they were comfortable, but they were also soaking wet and sticking to him like a second skin. Not at all fun. He was back to loose shorts and a T-shirt that was a few sizes too big for him a few minutes later. His hair was a mess, but he ignored it. Even if it was dry and his mom’s definition of perfect, it would have still driven him absolutely nuts because of how long it was.
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