CHAPTER TEN:
Doubts
Max is in the kitchen when he hears a faint rapping on his window. He eyes the window warily, thinking it’s the local children playing pranks. It dawns on him that Frank should be coming to get him soon. He walks over to the kitchen window, and, sure enough, Frank is standing outside next to a red Chevy.
Max wonders why Frank didn’t just knock. His father isn’t home. He and his friends from AA go out Wednesday nights, usually bowling, or to the movies or some similar activity. Max chuckles at the memory of his father coming home after a night at the skating rink. He’d been stiff as a board, needing one of the other men to help him in.
Max had assured his father that he would be okay tonight without him, despite the bruises and cuts on his face. Max opens the door just as Frank begins to walk up.
“You ready?” Frank asks with a crooked smile.
Max nods slightly. His lip is swollen, preventing him from smiling back.
“Yeah, I just gotta grab a jacket.” Max grabs his jacket from the closet by the door and walks out, locking the door behind him. He and his father don’t have much anyone would want, but they’d rather not take any chances.
Max feels guilty about missing bible study tonight. He’d had plenty of time to go and still make it back in time to meet up with Frank, but he didn’t want to risk seeing Martin. The moment Martin saw his face he’d know something was up. His bruises and swellings would give him away, of course, but even without them, Max is easy to read. He wants to avoid having to explain going out with Frank tonight. Max knows he means well, but Martin has a tendency to want to control every decision in his life.
When they arrive, Max immediately feels conviction. The bonfire is, naturally, in the middle of the woods. They are in a large, grassy clearing, which reduces the risk of setting the trees on fire.
They are fairly early; the bonfire doesn’t start until nine, but a small crowd has already gathered to light fires in the tall metal trashcans scattered throughout the area. Coolers are being unloaded from pickup trucks, as well as bags of marshmallows and other snacks. Someone has a grill blazing. Alongside it is a tray of hamburger patties.
Max hears his stomach growl despite himself as he inhales the scent of the cooking meat. Frank nudges him toward one of the burning cans and introduces him to a small group. Steve is the first person Max recognizes.
“Steve, you remember, Max, right?” Steve nods and glances at Max’s bruised face.
“I hope you feel better than you look, man,” he snickers.
Max grimaces and Frank introduces him to three or four other people. Max nods politely, making small talk.
“Is this where you usually meet?” Max asks.
“Only for big gatherings,” Frank answers. “Most of the time we chat via the Internet or meet up at someone’s house.”
“Do you have problems with the cops coming out here or anything?” Max remembers on more than one occasion that a gathering in the woods ended with at least one visit from the boys in blue.
“Nah, all this land is privately owned by-”
“It’s owned by one of the S.K.U.L.L.S. members, and that’s all he needs to know,” Steve cuts in, glaring at Frank. Frank gives him an apologetic look and changes the subject.
“We’ve got plenty of food, plenty to drink; soft drinks and water in the red coolers, the good stuff in the white. Feel free to walk around and mingle.”
Frank pats him on the back and walks over to one of the trucks. He pulls down one of the white coolers and grabs a can of beer.
•••
Johnny is a few blocks from Jennifer’s street when he stops the car. His mother let him borrow her car to pick up Jennifer and take her home. He watches Jennifer carefully. She’d been crying when they left the youth room, but she recovered when they got in the car, making jokes and light conversation.
At least she’s not upset anymore, Johnny thinks.
“You wanna talk about what happened between you and Martin?” Johnny asks.
“We had an argument about something, but it’s not worth discussing,” Jennifer shrugs. “I’m fine now.”
It feels good to know that she isn’t nervous around him. He hadn’t planned this, and a part of his mind tells him he is foolish for even trying.
“Jennifer, I need to tell you something,” he says quickly. He feels his chest tighten, and his breath quickens. His hands tingle in uncertainty. How will she react?
“What is it, Johnny?” she asks with concern. She cares about him. Johnny is certain of at least that.
“I need you to know that what I’m about to tell you, you can’t tell anyone else, okay?” Johnny pleads with her. “I’ve never told anyone. I’ve never been able to trust anyone enough to share it. Until now.”
Jennifer grabs his hand in a show of comfort. “It’s alright, Johnny. You can talk to me.”
Johnny grips the steering wheel and stares straight ahead, willing his breathing to remain normal.
Just take it easy, he tells himself.
“Promise me you won’t tell anyone?” he asks her again.
“Johnny, you can trust me.”
Johnny nods and swallows the lump in his throat. “Jennifer, you know how your youth pastor was talking tonight? About how God would protect those that trust him?” Again, she nods.
“Well, I’ve been-” Johnny feels his emotions surging and pauses to recover. He can’t cry. Not now.
“What is it?” Jennifer leans in closer to him.
“Jennifer, I’m not sure I buy into that.” Johnny is quiet for a moment before speaking again. Jennifer patiently waits for him to continue.
“I don’t know how to believe that God will protect me and my family. He hasn’t done a very good job so far.”
“What do you mean, Johnny?” Jennifer asks.
Johnny shakes his head. He shouldn’t be telling her this. He should be trying to convince her that he believes the same way she does. But he can’t stop himself.
“If God is a protector like you say he is, then why is there so much pain in the world? Why do we have to suffer so much?”
Jennifer pauses before speaking. “God’s promises are for those who are His, Johnny.”
“What about children, Jen? Do God’s promises apply to children? What about my twin brothers, and my baby sister? Does God promise to protect them?”
Jennifer shakes her head in confusion. “I’m not sure what you mean.”
Johnny continues. “It’s a simple question, Jen. Children don’t know how to become one of God’s people. They just do what their parents tell them to do.” Johnny becomes very quiet, remembering. Jennifer looks at him with empathy. She seems to want to say something, but she waits for him to continue.
“I was only a kid when it happened to me, no older than your brother Shawn.” He looks down at the steering wheel and grits his teeth. “I always did what I was told.”
“When what happened?” Jennifer asks quietly.
Johnny looks at Jennifer. His eyes glisten with tears waiting to be released, but he refuses to let them escape.
“I tried to do everything right, Jen,” he continues. “I was a good boy. That’s what my stepdad, Charles, used to call me. ‘That’s a good boy,’ he’d say.”
Johnny stops as a thought strikes him. “Do you know I don’t even know who my real dad is? He left my mom and me before I was born. We had no place to go, and when I was five Charles took us in. I loved living with him for those first few months. Before he and my mom got married, he would bring me little gifts every day. He’d bring me candy or toys, or maybe a souvenir from somewhere. Then things changed.” Johnny’s expression darkens.
“What changed, Johnny?” Jennifer watches him carefully.
“Charles changed,” Johnny replies with a shake of his head. “He stopped doing the things that he used to do. He stopped being nice. He started spanking me a lot, sometimes for no reason. He quit calling me a good boy, except
when…”
A tear falls from Johnny’s right eye and he stops briefly to wipe it.
“Johnny, it’s okay,” she tries to comfort him, placing her hand on his arm. “It’s not your fault if your father mistreated you-”
“That man is NOT my father!” Johnny snarls. Jennifer jumps back, startled.
Johnny calms himself, lowering his voice as he speaks. “I’m sorry. I’m just gonna take you home, okay?”
Jennifer nods and looks away, embarrassed. Johnny pulls up to Jennifer’s house, waiting until Jennifer is inside before allowing himself to breathe again. He’d almost blown everything. What will the Master do if Johnny somehow messes up his plans? The Master has more knowledge of the chant books than any other S.K.U.L.L.S. member. While he has the power to change things in Johnny’s favor, he also has the means to reverse them and exact punishment for disobedience. What if he already knows about Johnny’s near-confession? Johnny hopes the Master isn’t that discerning.
Johnny pulls up to his house. His stepdad’s truck is in the driveway and the garage door is open. Johnny assumes his mother left it open for him. His palms begin to sweat and he considers leaving the car parked on the road.
Stop being a wimp and go, he tells himself. Johnny swallows the lump in his throat and pulls in to the garage. He turns off the engine and opens the door, but freezes halfway.
Don’t look. Johnny glances down at the garage floor. Memories come flooding back and Johnny slams the door shut, starts the car, and backs out of the garage to park on the road. He waits until his breathing returns to normal before leaving the car.
When Johnny steps inside his house, everything is quiet. He checks on the twins first; both Mark and Matt are asleep on their bunk beds. Susan has her own room, but she isn’t in it. Johnny peeks into his parents’ room and sees Susan nestled comfortably between her father and mother. The scene reminds Johnny of what he used to do. As a child he used to sneak into their bed and lay between them. That soon stopped.
Johnny walks into his room and turns on his computer. Frank left him several messages about the bonfire tonight. Johnny forgot to mention that he made plans with Jennifer this evening, but it’s still early. They usually light the fire and get started around nine, and the mingling won’t die down until well after midnight. Johnny changes his clothes, dons his ear and nose ring, and leaves.
Just as he suspected, Johnny arrives just as things start heating up. The music is loud and several teens are dancing around the fires with drinks in their hands. A few familiar faces raise their drink in his direction, and he nods in reply. He walks past the main area into a deeper part of the trees. He needs to talk to Frank. Instead, he runs into Steve.
Steve grabs him by the shoulder. “The Master and I were just discussing you. We need to talk.” Johnny shrugs, nonchalant, but his stomach begins to twist. What is this about?
“Hey, have you seen Frank?” Johnny asks.
“Yeah, he’s over there entertaining,” Steve replies, pointing in Frank’s direction.
Johnny turns to look and swears out loud. Frank is close to the fire, laughing at a crispy marshmallow on his stick. What bothers him is that Martin’s friend, Max is right beside him. Johnny quickly looks away when Max glances over in their direction. Max doesn’t go to Logoria High anymore, but he’s sure he and Martin are still close. Johnny doesn’t need Max blabbing to Martin that he’s a member of the S.K.U.L.L.S.
Steve pulls Johnny into a path hidden between two willow trees. A few yards later he’s face to face with the Master. Tonight he wears a red cloak and party mask like the Phantom of the Opera. He removes it when Johnny and Steve stop just a few feet away.
“Johnny,” the Master says his name as though he were calling a dog. “How are you? Is everything going as planned?” He leans forward, waiting for Johnny’s reply.
“Yeah, I guess so,” Johnny shrugs. “But what exactly is your plan?”
The Master leans back, surprised by his question.
“Excuse me?” he asks.
Johnny bows his head and raises his hands in his defense. “No offense; I was just wondering why we’re doing all this to get at West. What’s he got to do with anything?”
“Don’t you dare question me!” the Master snarls. He walks up to Johnny, gazing down on him with the glazed, wild eyes of an addict.
“You just do what I tell you, do you hear me? Or have you already forgotten that the only reason you’re not still getting your brains kicked in is because I,” he points at himself, “keep you safe. I protect you, and this is how you repay me?”
Johnny hesitates. “I just have a few reservations about all of this...”
“You doubt my power don’t you?” The Master steps back and places his hands behind his back.
Johnny swallows. “No, of course not,” he answers slowly. He wonders if turning to the Master for help had been a good idea.
“You do doubt me,” the Master chuckles. “I see I’m going to have to teach you a lesson. You, my friend, are going to have to learn that I protect you, and I can take my protection away. Get out of my sight!”
Johnny looks at Steve, who is a few feet behind him. Steve sneers at him, and Johnny turns to leave. The Master is a fraud; by the time he reaches the car, he’s convinced of that. The Master is no Master at all. Just a delusional drug addict. The so-called “Master” can no more protect his family from Charles Reese than his brothers Mark or Matt. Johnny allows himself to laugh a little at his foolishness as he drives off. He can forget all about the S.K.U.L.L.S. and the Master’s plan and just enjoy his time with Jennifer. He looks forward to their moments together and is insanely happy about their date on Friday. Becoming Jennifer’s friend is the only good thing that has come out of this whole situation.
As Johnny begins to pull up to his house, the doubts return. What if the Master is right? Hadn’t Johnny asked for his help nearly two weeks ago? As soon as he’d gone to the Master, Mr. Reese became docile, making no attempts to harm Johnny or his mother at all. Was that just a coincidence?
Johnny rushes inside the house, checking every room, anxious with thoughts of the Master’s threat. He goes to Mark and Matt’s room first. His brothers are asleep in their beds. Matt is snoring profoundly; Mark lay with his legs halfway off of the bed. Johnny straightens him before checking his baby sister’s room.
Susan is asleep in her bed, hugging her little baby doll close to her chest. Someone must have put her back in her bed. Johnny goes to his mother’s room next, barely cracking the door.
His mother is on her back. Mr. Reese has his arms wrapped around her waist and is breathing deeply. Yes, everything is going well. He closes their door and smiles. He doesn’t need the Master’s protection. Everything is going to be fine.
•••
Max becomes more restless as the night wears on. Twice he’s had to decline a cup of “the good stuff,” as Frank put it, and his resistance is wearing thin. Everyone there seems to be having a good time. Max laughs to himself as he passes up a third offer. He remembers a time not too long ago when Martin had invited him to church. Max had countered his offer with an invitation to a party. Martin had preferred Bible study.
Now, watching all the teens laughing and joking and falling over drunk, Max understands why. Roaming around in a drunken stupor no longer holds any appeal for him. It’s a snare he’s worked hard to avoid the last several months. His father is still trying to find his way out. The last thing Max wants to do is drink. Thinking about it makes him sick to his stomach. Alcohol wrecked his life once. He’ll never give it another chance. He has too much at stake.
Max feels the voice of the Holy Spirit and nods in agreement. It’s time for him to go. If Frank isn’t ready to leave, then Max decides he will walk. He can’t allow himself to fall into temptation. Though he doesn’t drink anymore, he knows himself well enough to avoid the pressure of his peers. He’ll take a drink out of politeness and wind up miserably intoxicated a few hours
later.
He’s fighting an uphill battle, and he knows he’s susceptible to a relapse despite himself. Officer Kent taught him that. Max knows the statistics. He also knows the scripture, 1 Corinthians 10:12: “Let him that thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.”
The moment he thinks he is strong enough to handle a situation like this will prove to be his weakest. He’s risking a lot having stayed this long.
Max looks around for Frank and finds him near a red pickup truck, joking with a girl Max recognizes from Wellis. She is leaning in close to Frank and whispering something in his ear. Frank smiles and is about to walk away with her in tow when Max calls out his name.
“Frank! Over here,” Max hollers. Frank waves at him, less enthusiastic than he was earlier that evening. Max waves him over and Frank, after kissing the girl and promising to return, heads in his direction.
“Hey, I’ve got to get out of here,” Max gets straight to the point.
Frank raises his eyebrows. “So soon? It’s just getting started here, Max. Have a drink or something, loosen up. I’m sure you’ll-”
“No, that’s just it Frank,” Max puts his hands in his pockets. “I don’t belong here, Frank. I appreciate what you did for me today, I really do. But this isn’t for me, man. I’m a Christian. I spend my Wednesday nights in Bible study now. My late nights and partying days are behind me.”
Frank looks shocked but says nothing. Max allows himself to share a bit of his testimony with Frank.
“My mom was killed last fall by a drunk driver coming home from a party. I drank almost every day before that, and I swore not to fall back into a lifestyle like that again. “I’ve given my life to God, now, and I can’t go back on my word. Besides, it may be that God allowed you to find me today so that I’d talk to you now.”
Max is surprised at his boldness. Talking about his faith during the middle of a bonfire in the woods is laughable. It sounds like something a fanatic would do. Max knows that the Holy Spirit is leading him and ignores the self-conscious thoughts that try to surface. Though he hasn’t said anything, Frank is definitely listening. Max exhales and finishes his story.
“Frank, I don’t know why you joined the S.K.U.L.L.S. or what your situation is at home. All I know is that I already have someone looking out for me with or without the S.K.U.L.L.S.’ protection. If you hadn’t been there, God would have sent someone else to help me. But He allowed you to be at the right place at the right time to help me, and now I’m going to help you. Not by preaching at you or anything, but by sharing what He’s already done for me.” Max and Frank both look at the fire as it cracks and pops.
“I can respect that,” Frank says quietly. “I’ll take you home.”
Max nods and they both head out to Frank’s car. Frank pulls off in silent thought, barely glancing at Max as he drives. After a few minutes, Frank turns on the radio. Max wonders if he offended Frank. He prays quietly that Frank will see Christ through him. Frank watches the road intensely. When they pull up to Max’s home, Frank turns off the radio. Max thanks him and is about to open the door when Frank stops him.
“Max,” he hesitates. Max looks at him and waits. “Be careful on the streets, ok?”
Max nods. He waits a moment longer, but whatever Frank had been about to say won’t be coming out tonight. He gets out and walks to his front door, waving to Frank before he goes inside.
His head aches and his knee is stiff, but Max knows that today was no coincidence. God allowed him to suffer in order to plant a seed into Frank’s life. Judging by the look on Frank’s face earlier, Max knows he’s done just that.
Why Did You Hurt Me? Page 10