by BL Mute
“Take care of Charlie?” I tip my head to the side. When I’m told to take care of someone, that means one of two things. Either keep them quiet or shut them up. “What do you mean?”
When he doesn’t respond, I know things are bad. He’s never had a problem clarifying before which only makes me more confused.
I glance to the other side of the hall to make sure it’s clear before I pull him into my room and quietly close the door. “What did you do, Theodore?”
I never use his name, but something in me tells me that whatever he’s done must be bad.
Finally, he looks up from the floor and meets my eyes. Pain and regret swirl in them. “I fucked up. I really fucked up.”
Just the mention of Charlie accompanied with his words make my blood boil. I told myself from the very beginning I wouldn’t love her. I couldn’t. She had already been claimed, and, lord have mercy, on any man who tried to cross the boss. But seeing her so distraught and shattered did nothing but make me want to help her—comfort her.
I knew doing anything with Charlie was a bad idea, but I took the plunge. When she kissed me, I didn’t stop her. I needed to know what she felt like, what she tasted like. I needed to know what powers she had that made men like Teddy not even question walking to the ends of the earth.
I never had a mom, so the concept of loving a woman has always been unfamiliar, and all the women I’ve slept with have never caught my attention for more than a few minutes to get my dick wet.
Charlie though… There has always been something about her. The way she moves with complete and total confidence even when no one is watching. When she thinks I’m not watching. How she can hold her own in a fight and give an attitude like it’s her first language. Something about her has always intrigued me, and maybe that’s where I fucked up. Knowing damn well her and I would never happen, yet still letting myself dream about it.
“I hurt her, Lucas.” Teddy’s voice drags me out of my thoughts.
“What do you mean hurt her?” My fists ball on instinct, and my chest heaves with the rush of adrenaline.
He looks at me up and down before nodding. “Do you love her?”
His question catches me off guard. “What the fuck kind of question is that? Of course I don’t. She’s yours, boss. You’ve made it very clear.”
A sad huff escapes him. “She’s not mine anymore, so I need to hear you say it. Tell me you love her.”
I squint my eyes. “Do I need to call Dr. Kelly? You’re clearly losing your mind. Just tell me what you did so we can fix it.”
I almost feel like a father trying to get through to his child which is weird. The roles have never been reversed like this with Teddy and me.
He sits on the edge of my bed and lets out a deep breath. “You know, when I first put the pieces together that something was happening between you and Charlie, I was mad. Utterly fuming ready to kill you. Hell, maybe I still am a little. But yesterday the chief said something, and it made me wonder. This whole time I’ve been trying to hurt Charlie. I thought if I pissed her off enough, she’d open up and tell the truth, but when the chief said I don’t care about her, only the idea of her, it made me think maybe he’s right.
“Honestly, I love her. Sure, I’ve questioned it a bit since I’ve been back, but wouldn’t you?” His eyes burn into me before he looks to the floor again. “I want her to be happy, Lucas. I want her to know how loved she is. And with what I’m about to do, I don’t think I’ll be around to fix everything I’ve fucked up. I did what I did to her so she would hate me. I need her to hate me.”
“What did you do?” I grind out through my teeth.
He stands and smiles sadly. “Go take care of your girl.”
As he leaves the room, I hurry out my door behind him. He goes right and I turn left, heading straight to Charlie’s room. For a split second, I almost feel like I’m being set up. Him essentially letting everything go makes no sense to me, but the sinking feeling in my stomach tells me otherwise.
I steal one last glance to my right and see the front door closing. Turning back to Charlie’s door, I take a deep breath and knock. Then knock again. I knock a total of four times before I crack it open and peek inside.
“Flower?” I question out to the dark.
When I don’t hear her response, I flip on the light. The scene before me has my stomach rolling and every fiber in my being on high alert. Her bed is disarray. Pillows are thrown to the floor, her duvet is pushed all the way to the left, and small bloodstains smear over her sheets.
Not seeing her there sends me into a panic mode until I step forward and see her sitting on the bathroom floor with her hands behind her back. Her dress is hiked up her legs, displaying a naked bottom half with blood and other liquid painting the inside of her thighs.
Immediately I’m caught between helping her or hunting Teddy down. I jerk my chin into the air and hit the wall next to me. Charlie jumps with the sound and moves her eyes to mine. “Please not you too, Lucas.” Her lip quivers and her body shakes.
Suddenly, all of the disgust and anger leave me and become replaced with sadness. She wouldn’t think I’d actually hurt her, would she? I sink to my knees and bite back every word I want to scream.
I crawl in front of her slowly. “I’m not going to hurt you, Charlie. I would never hurt you.” I reach out to brush the hair from her face, but she flinches again.
“Teddy said the same thing.”
I rake my hands through my hair, then drag them down my face. Right now, Charlie needs me to be soft. She needs me. I sink back to my knees and hold up my hands. “Look—” I clear my throat. “I promise I’m not going to hurt you, okay? Let’s just focus on getting you cleaned up for now, and we will go from there.” She looks at me with skepticism in her eyes and doesn’t respond.
I reach out again, slower this time, and lightly nudge her shoulder forward to see behind her back. I unbind the red tie that’s knotted firmly in place. Once the fabric is clear of her skin, red marks and indentions snake around her wrists, adding more fuel to my fire.
I move her back to her place and sit directly in front of her. I don’t want to scare her or move too fast, so I’ll let her go at her own pace.
After a few silent beats, she finally breaks the silence. “What did I do to deserve this, Lucas?”
The pain in her voice paired with her bloodshot eyes and shaky body have the beast in my body raging. But on the outside, I stay calm. “You didn’t do anything, Flower.”
She smiles with a quiver before scooting closer to me and leaning her head into my chest. “I really did love him.”
I wince with her confession even though I’ve already known this. “I know.” I pet her hair.
“I don’t think I love him anymore.” Her voice fractures.
“I know.”
I should probably say more or do more, but I’m just not sure what. At this point, all I’m seeing is red, and I’m ready to take every ounce of it out on Teddy. So instead of talking, I do what she’s used to. I comfort her the same way I’ve done numerous times before.
I gently push her away and stand from the floor. “I’ll be right back.”
If she would have asked me to stay, I would have, but she didn’t object. She let me leave her room without a fight, but imagining how the scene between her and Teddy played out, I don’t blame her. She’s out of fight for the night.
I hurry back to my room and snatch the dark blue comforter from my bed before hurrying back to Charlie’s. It’s probably best Teddy has left because there is no telling what I would do if I saw him right now.
I drop the thick comforter in the bathroom doorway before walking to the sink and grabbing the washcloth next to it. I wet it with warm water, then lean back down to Charlie. “I’m just going to clean up your legs a bit, okay?” No words come from her mouth, but she nods with approval.
Lightly I brush the cloth over the inside of her thighs, making sure I don’t go too high to make her uncomfortabl
e. After I wipe away all of the blood and cum from the worthless bastard, I hand it to her and turn around so she can clean the rest of herself with a little privacy.
After a moment, I turn back around and see the cloth lying on the floor in front of her. The white terry cloth material is now stained a dark pink. I try not to focus on it, but my eyes keep finding their way back to it. I finally shake away their persistence before I pick up the comforter and wrap Charlie in it.
A groan leaves her lips as I hoist her into my arms. “I’m sorry.” She nestles her head to my chest without a word.
I carry her from her bathroom, down the hall, and then into my room. I set her gently on the bed, scared I’ll hurt her. I’ve always seen Charlie as somewhat fragile since she’s a woman. Every time we would train together, I did my best to take it easy, but her strength always proved to be more than I thought. But right now? Right now Charlie is fragile. The man she loved raped her. He put her through something no woman should ever have to go through and then came to me to clean up the mess.
I’ve always had respect for Teddy. He’s taken me and my brother in, helped raise us to be like him, but this isn’t who I thought he was. Something like this is never okay, so I’ll take all he’s taught me and use it against him. Loyalty or not, he fucked up and he knows it.
I grab a shirt from my dresser before walking back to her. I slip it over her dress, not wanting to make her uncomfortable by undressing what little clothes she has on. “You can stay in here tonight. I’ll take the floor.”
I lean her body onto my pillow, then pull the comforter back over her before settling on the floor right next to my bed.
“Lucas.” A quiet cry comes from her. “Please.”
Without another word, I already know what she’s asking, so I get up, crawl into the bed next to her, and do what I do best when it comes to Charlie. I fall right back into our old routine and hold her while she cries.
I rip off the rearview mirror as I drive away, then throw it out the window. I can’t bear to even look at myself. Disgusted, ashamed, hurt. Some many emotions roll through my mind as I push this shitty Honda to its limits.
I’m not really sure where I’m going, I just know I need to be far away. Once Lucas walks into that room, which I’m sure he’s done by now, I know he’ll be out for blood. I would be too if the roles were reversed. I’m just glad I have someone I can count on to make sure she’s okay.
The road curves over and over as I follow it. My headlights don’t provide much light, but they give me enough. Enough to see the road narrow in front of me, giving me a split second to contemplate continuing with the turn or going straight off the shoulder. I punch the steering wheel as I turn it. Crashing would be a fucking cop-out.
Fucking pussy.
Finally, I slow and pull over when all the streetlights disappear and the city noise dies down. Throwing the car in park, I use my free hand to fish out my phone.
I stare at the screen for a long minute before I finally dial Julius.
The receiver clicks, indicating he’s picked up, but I know he won’t speak. “Go check on your brother.” I hang up without a goodbye.
Stepping out of my car, I circle to the hood and plop down. “What the fuck is wrong with me?” I whisper to no one.
I love Charlie. God do I fucking love her, but knowing another man has touched her fucking kills me. I want to try and convince myself I only loved the idea of her—like the chief said—but it’s a fucking lie.
Charlie isn’t just an idea. She’s a whole fucking novel with immaculate detail on crisp white pages penned in fresh black ink. The type of novel you read and fall in love with simply for the fact that it is such a puzzle. One whereby the end your heart is ripped out, stomped on, and shoved back into you. She isn’t an idea. She’s a fucking story. A story you can’t forget once you’re done.
I grip my hair in between my fingers and yank. “Fuck!”
What have I done? Never once have I been the type of person to let shit get to me or let people inside my head. This whole time I’ve been back, I’ve done nothing but hurt her over and over. I’ve done nothing but prove to her I am a monster.
A single tear escapes my eye and rolls down my cheek. As much as it hurts, maybe this is for the best. Charlie deserves nothing but perfect, and I’m just not it. And that—that is how I know I love her. I’m willing to push her away, make her hate me, just so she can be free of the burden of me.
My body aches in ways it never has before. My legs are sore, my arms are sore, everything is sore, and I can’t stop crying. At this point, I’m pretty sure there is no water left in my body with all the tears I’ve shed.
I turn slowly in Lucas’s hold, grimacing at the sharp pain it brings. “Hey, you okay?” His voice is groggy but still full of concern.
I nod, then realize he probably can’t even see me with all of the lights off. “I’m just… sore.”
Before he can reply, his bedroom door creaks open. My body goes rigid and tight like it’s ready for a fight even though I know I’m in no shape to be kicking anyone’s ass. A large figure stands shadowed in the doorway for a moment before they speak. “What happened?”
Comfort and ease wash over me when I realize it’s only Julius. I’m not sure what it is, but I’ve always felt comfortable around Julius. Maybe it’s because he’s so quiet or because I know I have nothing to worry about when he’s around, but regardless, he brings me ease.
“Julius.” When his name leaves my mouth, a new wave of grief washes over me.
As much as Lucas makes me feel safe, I still worry about what Teddy will do if he found us like this. It’s something I shouldn’t have to worry about considering how he left me, but I can’t help it.
I stand from the bed and pad to Julius slowly. When my feet stop in front of him, I look up into his eyes. I think maybe he knows I don’t want to talk about anything and just need to be held because he reaches down and wraps his arms around me.
Silent dry sobs rack my body of their own accord, but he doesn’t turn me away. “I’m going to take her with me.”
It’s always a startle to hear his voice since I don’t hear it often, but something about this moment—me in his arms with my head pressed to his chest—brings me salve in the vibrations of his deep baritone.
Without speaking, I can see Lucas nod out of my peripheral, then lock his eyes with Julius. They almost mirror one another with every feature they have, but this time, Lucas wears a concerned look while Julius seems almost tranquil. More unspoken words are exchanged before Julius scoops me up and goes back into the hall, then into his room.
Where Lucas’s room is dark with deep wood furniture and no color, Julius’s is the total opposite. A gray platform bed sits directly in the middle while dim bulbs splash light onto almost every surface. Vintage posters of pinup girls and classical cars adorn the walls, and white bedding sits messed up and lazily on his bed and the armchair in the corner.
“You don’t have to tell me what happened if you don’t—”
“He raped me, Julius.” The words slip out too easily.
I can see him flex his hands over and over while they hang to his sides, but his face and tone stay placid. “Okay.”
He guides me toward his bathroom, but nothing else escapes his lips before he walks to his closet. When he returns, he hands me a plain T-shirt and some boxers. I take them with a shaky hand. “Lucas already gave me a shirt.”
He nods. “I know, but I figured you would want him off of you. I’ll wait here while you shower and call Dr. Kelly.”
He turns to go back to his bed, but I catch his arm. “Please don’t call him. I’m fine. I don’t need him.”
He inhales through his nose. “Charlie, we need to make sure you’re okay.”
I flash him a weak smile. “I’m as fine as I can be. Please don’t make me face the embarrassment of telling someone else. Please,” I beg.
He reaches up and rubs his eyes, then takes in another sharp breat
h. “Okay.”
We stand on the threshold of the bathroom in a weird, awkward silence. At least it’s awkward for me. I’m sure he’s used to it. “Will you sit with me?” I’m not sure why I ask, considering all of the events of tonight, but I do.
He nods and follows me further into the bathroom. I set the clothes on the counter as he walks to the tub, a tub much smaller than Teddy’s, and starts the water.
“I won’t look,” he remarks as I dart my eyes around the room, gripping the bottom of the shirt Lucas gave me.
He turns his back to me and lets me undress in peace. First I slip off Lucas’s shirt, sucking in his smell left lingering on it, then pull my dress down and let it bunch up around my feet. When I step in the water, it is warm and consoling. Easily I sit, then lean back, letting it circle around me.
“You can turn around.” I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them.
Julius completely ignores my naked body, and I’m thankful. He grabs the detachable showerhead and starts letting the water run over my hair. I lean my head back and close my eyes. “Why do you care about me, Julius?”
I can hear the smile in his voice when he answers. “I care about you at this moment because it reminds me of a time with my mom. A little morbid, I know, but my dad was never really good to her. He did this—” He motions to my body instead of saying the word. “—and so much more. I was the one who helped her. Lucas too.”
I open my eyes and turn my head as he lathers shampoo in his hands. “What happened to your dad?” I want to change the subject from myself and his mom and all the bad shit she and I seem to have in common.
“We killed him.” His face never falters, and his voice stays calm like he’s telling me the day of the week or some other pointless shit.
You’d think I’d be surprised, but I don’t think anything could surprise me at this point. Everything just seems like some sort of fucked-up acid dream.
I try and push the thoughts away as he rinses my hair. Once he’s done, he stands and grabs a towel from the wall, then opens it. I step into it, letting him wrap me up before he leaves the room.