They didn’t knock you back, so now you build rapport. Successful rapport, according to Smith, involves self-disclosure and finding commonalities. Topics should be light, and you need to tread the line between asking and answering questions. If you’ve done either more than three consecutive times, there’s an imbalance. The most important thing, though? This isn’t yet the flirting stage. This is the moment where if you’re getting a lukewarm response – if they aren’t engaging – you make an exit. Otherwise you’re being a creep.
4: FLIRT AWAY
Smith has identified six aspects of flirting. She uses an acronym: H.O.T. A.P.E. That stands for Humour, Open body language, Touch, Attention, Proximity and Eye contact. The most nuanced is touch. “Touch is wonderful, but you have to make sure the other person is respondent. Don’t use it to ‘create’ attraction.” If signs are good, Smith recommends briefly tapping the side of their hand as you make a comment. A good indicator that it’s going well is if their feet and shoulders are pointing straight at you.
5: THE END GAME
When the encounter comes to an end, you’ll need to show your hand about seeing them again. It’s best to be as direct as possible – a strategy that in itself may make you more attractive to them. But what exactly should you say? “You just link it to whatever you’ve been talking about. If you’re talking about food, such as Italian, you could say, ‘Hey, why don’t I take you to my favourite Italian restaurant?’ Or it could even be, ‘I haven’t had a conversation this interesting in so long, do you want to meet up again over a glass of wine and we can continue this?’”
THROW A FORMAL DINNER PARTY
In the Eighties and Nineties, the dinner party was in its prime: bombastic, dressed up, four-coursed and late-finishing. Then, as the Noughties crept in, it was unceremoniously edged out. The restaurant scene was reimagined as youth culture, as a new kind of indie rock, with the effect that trying the latest tasting room/nouveau burger joint/artisanal mocktail list became the thing. Entertaining at home was predominantly about hosting kitchen suppers, an outwardly more casual affair – even if hosts actually cared deeply about everyone admiring their culinary handiwork and, of course, their kitchen. But for every action there’s a reaction. Of late, the dinner party has made a bullish comeback, in all its former (and formal) glory. Here’s GQ Editor Dylan Jones’s advice on hosting one…
1: START WORK ON IT EARLY
Invite guests either by phone or printed card at least three weeks before the event. If you need to replace someone who has pulled out, you can extend a last-minute invitation, but don’t allow one friend to become your default stand-in. Always do a placement dinner: stick to the traditional boy-girl boy-girl template, but mix up couples or close friends with new people. You need easy access to the kitchen, so position yourself accordingly. Maintain the seating arrangement for all of the courses – only then encourage people to switch places.
2: SET THE TABLE IN THE TRADITIONAL MANNER
For each place setting, the starter knife and fork should be on the outside so guests can work inward from there; the dessert fork and spoon should lie across the top as shown. Linen napkins are preferable, but (good-quality) paper napkins are fine. Provide appropriate glasses for water, red wine, white wine and dessert wine, and arrange these in any order above the knives. A word to the wise: if you get up to leave the table mid-course, the napkin goes on your chair, not on the table.
3: THE FOOD SHOULD BE PRACTICAL, NOT PRETENTIOUS
You need to serve hors d’oeuvres with predinner drinks, if only because this stops your guests getting too drunk. Eighty pieces is about right for 12 people. For the dinner itself, feel free to scour cookbooks for inspiration, but don’t cook anything ostentatious or that you’re not confident in cooking. Four courses – a starter or salad, main course, cheese and dessert – is de rigueur . If your dinner is catered, ask the chefs to prepare dishes that you could feasibly make yourself or it will just seem, well, odd.
4: GIVE THE DRINKS DUE CONSIDERATION
When your guests arrive, either offer them a set drink (champagne, say, or a vodka tonic) or specify a small selection. Pace the refills: people should drink enough to feel relaxed, but not so much that they don’t actually enjoy your food. How much wine should you buy? A safe bet is a bottle of red and a bottle of white for each guest. You probably won’t get through all that, but it does ensure that you won’t run out. Water is best served on the table in bottles (if it’s a good brand) or glass jugs (if it’s from the tap).
5: DON’T MESS UP THE MUSIC
If you’re stuck for what music to put on, here’s a simple principle: imagine you’re in a restaurant. That may well mean you decide not to play anything. After all, how often has your experience of eating out actually been improved by the music? If you would like some, however, make sure it’s instrumental – Sixties film soundtracks, Eighties alt-country and Nineties Japanese loungecore are rich seams – and prepare a playlist ahead of the evening. It should move elegantly between genres and be long enough that it won’t repeat itself, otherwise guests will worry that they’ve outstayed their welcome.
BUY FLOWERS FOR YOUR LOVER
When Whitney Bromberg Hawkings was working as Tom Ford’s right-hand woman, she witnessed how the world’s most stylish people send flowers. She has since parlayed that expertise into FlowerBx, a flower delivery service that is now a go-to in the fashion world. Her client list includes Dior, De Beers, Jimmy Choo and countless celebrities. One thing she has learned is that, for such a small gesture, flowers produce outsized joy. In other words, if you send some to your partner (ideally to their office – everyone loves the attention), they’re the gift that gives back…
1: DON’T BUY A MIXED BOUQUET
“When Karl [Lagerfeld] would send Tom [Ford] flowers, when Calvin [Klein] would send Tom flowers – when any of them would – they all sent a massive bunch of one type of flower,” says Hawkings. “It looks so pure, so amazing.” No need to add foliage or filler, just have them wrapped in brown paper.
2: CHOOSE A FAIL-SAFE FLOWER
“Each season there is definitely a star.” In winter go for ranunculus; in spring, peonies; in summer, dahlias; and in autumn, hydrangeas. Roses are available all year round – but red ones can seem unimaginative. Hawkings prefers pale pink. “It’s chicer.”
3: GIVE THE FLOWERS A HEALTH CHECK
A good bunch of flowers should last more than a few days. Avoid buying anything already in full bloom. “Flowers in bud form are as fresh as you can get them, and that’s what you want.” Also look at the colours. “If there’s any yellowing on the leaves or on the petals, I would stay away.”
4: MAKE THE ACCOMPANYING NOTE SHORT AND SWEET
“You can’t go wrong with ‘I love you’. That means the whole world, even if you’ve been married for 13 years.” The same is true for apology flowers. “I had a bad situation a few years ago, and someone wrote on their note ‘I’m sorry’ and drew a sad face. That’s all they needed to say.”
5: AND IF YOU CAN’T GET TO A DECENT FLORIST…
If you have to buy from a supermarket, you will need to repackage. At home, “stick them together in a vase, and you’re not going to go wrong”. If out and about, switch the cellophane for brown paper. Not possible? Buy a potted orchid and remove the packaging. Done.
WIN AN ARGUMENT LIKE A LAWYER
If you were to find yourself on the wrong side of the law, you would want Tunde Okewale fighting your corner. Specializing in criminal cases, Okewale works at Doughty Street Chambers in the UK – where Amal Clooney also practises – and has won a fearsome reputation as an advocate. (Don’t take it from us: take it from The Lawyer magazine, which named him Young Barrister of the Year in 2012.) He also runs Urban Lawyers, which aims to make the law more accessible to marginalized groups – an example of the kind of community work that earned him an MBE in 2016. As if he weren’t spinning enough plates, he also practises sports law, representing footballers, boxers and Olympic athletes. Nex
t time you’re embroiled in a debate, channel his advice to emerge victorious…
1: ASK THEM “WHY?”
“Often people don’t really want to argue, they just want to be heard,” says Okewale. “If you give people an opportunity to express themselves, in many cases it makes them more receptive to your argument.” If your subsequent logic is sound, you stand a better chance of winning them over. A similar tactic is asking your opponent to explain their point in step-by-step, cause-to-effect-level detail. Often, in the process, they will realize they don’t fully understand what they’re advocating, or at least they have to confront the inherent assumptions and prejudices on which they’ve based their position.
2: CROSS-EXAMINE THEM
Turn the facts that support your case into a series of questions to which your opponent has to answer “yes”. For instance, if you’re arguing that Liverpool is a better football team than Arsenal, the questions might be: “Liverpool are higher in the league, correct?”; “Liverpool have scored more goals, correct?”; “Liverpool have spent more money, correct?”; “So, you’d accept that Liverpool are a better team?” They will either have to agree with you or feel ridiculous saying “No”.
3: CHALLENGE THE EVIDENCE
If you’re arguing with someone who has a good memory, they can have you on the back foot by reeling out statistics that support their argument. The way to deal with this is to challenge the numbers’ validity. Ask them what the sample size was, for instance, where the stat came from and how old the study is. “If they don’t know the answer, make the point that they can’t necessarily rely on the statistic.” Equally, if you’re using statistics, you should anticipate objections. You might say: “It’s true that this is an old sample, however, there is evidence from these places that supports it…”
4: UNPICK LOGICAL FALLACIES
Learn common logical fallacies so you can detect and challenge them. For instance, there’s the “correlative fallacy” that a correlation is evidence of causation; the “argument from incredulity” (“I can’t believe X is true, so therefore X must be false”); and the “straw man” where your opponent appears to refute your argument while actually attacking a point that you never made. The other benefit of knowing these fallacies is you can then sneakily use them yourself – because they can be convincing.
5: BE PERSUASIVE
“Persuasiveness is something that’s often overlooked. Sometimes, even if your logic is faulty, your use of language, tone and voice inflection may be the reason you win an argument.” Analogies can be very helpful, as they are visual and introduce a sense of veracity. “I was once trying to convince the jury that although my client lied in interview, when he gave evidence on oath in the witness box, they should still believe him. What I did was recite the folk tale of the boy that cried wolf.” That’s more convincing than simply, “Just because he lied once, it doesn’t mean he will always lie.”
BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE THE RIGHT WAY
If you’re breaking up with someone, there’s no need to be cruel or cowardly about it. The aim should be that, when the dust has settled, your partner will look back and respect you for how you did it. If that sounds like a fool’s errand, Natalia Juarez would beg to differ. Juarez is the founder of BetterBreakups, a Toronto-based break-up and divorce coaching service that helps people on both sides of the equation: the “dumpees”, who need to work through the trauma, and the “dumpers”, who aren’t sure how to approach the ordeal in the first place.
Juarez says that half the battle of initiating a break-up is admitting to oneself that it’s time to call it a day. From her experience, the most common sign of a relationship in crisis is one party feeling an overarching sense of disgust or contempt towards the other. That’s because the brain starts fixating on the partner’s downsides to find reasons to leave them. “It shows that you have stopped deeply caring about this person and you have lost respect,” says Juarez. That’s not to say that it is definitely over – if you feel the relationship is worth saving, you need to start talking it through – but if it goes on for too long, then it’s hard to repair.
And that’s OK. “I really believe that longevity is not an indicator of a successful relationship. Often we will have a few different long-term relationships in our lives, so learning how to be in a healthy relationship – and to break up in a healthy way – are actually essential skills.” To wit…
1: DON’T TALK YOURSELF OUT OF DOING IT
Sure, change is frightening and you don’t want to hurt the other person – but you need to get past that. Reframe breaking up as a positive. Juarez advises thinking of it like this: “The most loving thing that you can do is to let them go, so that they are able to find someone who truly wants to be with them.”
2: GIVE FAIR WARNING
It’s traumatic to blindside. “If you’re having doubts, you should start introducing these conversations into the relationship.” When you do eventually push the button, there’s never a good moment but there are less bad ones. Juarez suggests breaking up on a Thursday, because the other person can take the Friday off work, if necessary, and then has the weekend to process everything.
3: LET THEM DOWN GENTLY BUT FIRMLY
Do it at their home or your shared home, having found a place to stay elsewhere. Don’t put the blame on them. The tenor should be: “You deserve more, I’m not able to give you what you need, and this is why”, and/or “We deserve more, and this is what I feel isn’t working about the relationship”. Also, let them know when you’ll be leaving. This will give them an opportunity to ask questions but also prevent the conversation rolling on.
4: HANDLE THE AFTERMATH
At the end of the break-up conversation, offer to speak to them the following week and warn them that you’re going to disconnect on social media (for Juarez, this is essential). You may also need to return each other’s possessions. Do this within three to ten days through a neutral friend. “Pack up their stuff nicely and only send back the important things.” Returning tea bags, say, is petty.
5: GET OVER IT
It’s upsetting for the person getting dumped, but it’s not exactly a happy time for you, either. “It’s incredibly disorienting and stressful. So start journaling, talking it out, do exercise.” How does Juarez feel about rebounds? “It can be a part of processing the break-up. Connecting with someone else can be healing.”
STYLE SECRETS
GQ started life as Apparel Arts , a trade publication for retailers and wholesale buyers in the clothing industry. Unintentionally, it caught on with the general public and, in 1957, was relaunched as a consumer title bearing the strapline “Gentlemen’s Quarterly”. The publisher declared that “its entire editorial content will be devoted to fashion and fashion-related features”. Well, today that remit has grown – we cover everything from music to sport, politics to technology – but style remains our spiritual heartland. In this chapter you’ll find insider advice on everything from tying your scarf to advanced shaving techniques…
DEFINE YOUR PERSONAL STYLE
Successful men often have a signature look. Think about Steve Jobs and his black roll-necks; Idris Elba and his polo shirts; or Karl Lagerfeld and his dependable black-suit-black-gloves-black-sunglasses combo. It might seem like a quirk (and, let’s face it, for Lagerfeld it is), but there can be a practical benefit to dressing predictably. “You’ll see I wear only grey or blue suits,” President Obama once told Vanity Fair . “I’m trying to pare down decisions. I don’t want to make decisions about what I’m eating or wearing. Because I have too many other decisions to make.”
It can also help with cultivating a personal brand. Appearing too busy to concern oneself with clothing choices suggests status. And the specific style that one settles on can send more subtle messages, besides. Take Mark Zuckerberg’s plain grey T-shirts: they telegraph that despite his wealth he’s still down to earth, that he’s just in it for the science. Or David Gandy’s mismatched three-pieces, which announce that
he might wear suits, but – let’s get this straight – he isn’t a “suit”.
To develop your own signature wardrobe, there are two guiding principles. First, you need to pick a theme that flatters you. Bluer colours suit lighter skin tones, for instance, whereas warmer hues go better with darker ones. Second, you don’t want to emulate a character from The Simpsons and wear literally the same thing day in, day out – it’s important to have a degree of variety and flexibility. We can’t tell you exactly what to wear, but we can give you some tricks to help work it out…
1: KNOW THYSELF
Go through your wardrobe. See those items with the faded colours or the tired-looking fabric? They’re your favourites. From that set, pick out staple items that you have worn in the last year, from shoes and jeans to shirts and blazers. Make sure to include a suit.
2: MIX AND MATCH
Construct at least three ensembles of varying formality – and ignore trends. The goal is to look timeless. Next, buy multiples of each item (you never know when your favourite jeans cut is going to be discontinued), including an extra pair of trousers for the suit. Now you have your base.
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