Pin-Yen was openly weeping now. She took one of Hsu-Ling’s hands and laid it against her cheek. “I’m so sorry. I almost killed my own daughter.”
“You’re only sorry because Hsu-Ling got hurt?”
“No. I don’t know.” Pin-Yen shook her head vehemently. “I’m sorry for all of it. But almost losing my daughter . . . that’s what finally made me see what I did to you was wrong.” She dropped Hsu-Ling’s hand and reached into her purse for a tissue. Dabbing at her eyes, she said, “I don’t even know how to apologize to you. You were a threat to my daughter. You could have taken everything away from Hsu-Ling.”
“I wouldn’t have. I didn’t want Baba’s money or the building. I only wanted to know Baba. And my sister.” Lexa sank into the chair she’d vacated only moments before.
“I know that now.” There were still tears in Pin-Yen’s eyes, but her voice was steadier. “I . . . all my life, I’ve been told women are worthless. My father ruled our house, and my mother and I couldn’t do anything without his permission.” She looked up. “When Hsu-Ling was born, I vowed she would never feel the way my father made me feel. I would make sure she could be whatever she wanted, to have the best, be the best.” She caught Lexa’s eyes and held her gaze. “I knew Pong since I was a teenager. My father took him in as a foster child for a few months. He treated Pong better than he did me in the short time he lived with us.”
Lexa blinked in surprise. “You knew Pong before you met Baba?”
Pin-Yen nodded. “Pong was the one who introduced me to your baba. I always knew Pong wanted to be more than friends with me, but I never saw him like that. But your father . . .” Pin-Yen stopped and ran a hand down Hsu-Ling’s arm. She brought her daughter’s hand to her lips before placing it on the bed gently. “He was so handsome and so kind. He said I was the bravest woman he’d ever met and that he admired me for my grit and backbone when I said I’d defy my baba to go out with him. So of course I married him.” She gave a bitter laugh. “Turns out my father approved the marriage because the Chang family had a good name.”
“And Pong?” Lexa leaned forward.
“Pong.” Pin-Yen shook her head. “I loved him like a brother. I knew he was in love with me, and I used that love for my own gain.”
“Why do you hate me so much? What did I ever do to you?”
“ChiChi . . .” Pin-Yen looked across the bed at her, and Lexa realized that was the first time she’d ever heard Pin-Yen refer to her by her Chinese nickname. “It wasn’t you personally. It was the threat you posed to Hsu-Ling. If you’d been a boy, I would have hated you more. Having been told I was nothing all my life, I vowed to give my daughter everything I didn’t have. And when she was born with that leg . . . I was so filled with guilt. I thought it was my fault. I knew I had to secure her future for her. I pushed her so hard all her life . . .” She gave a slight shrug. “You stood in the way. I had to get rid of you.”
“And yet Baba still left the building to both of us.”
Pin-Yen slowly let out her breath. She closed her eyes briefly and then opened them to look straight at Lexa. “I won’t get in your way. If you want me out of that building, I’ll go.”
Lexa gazed at her, pity mixed with anger warring within her. In the end, she shook her head. “No. You’re my sister’s mother. I’d never do that to you.”
Pin-Yen nodded, tears welling in her eyes again. “Xie xie.”
“Mama?”
Lexa and Pin-Yen swiveled their heads toward Hsu-Ling. They’d been so engrossed in their conversation they hadn’t realized Hsu-Ling’s eyes were open. They stared at her until Hsu-Ling said again, “Mama.”
The cry that came out of Pin-Yen was filled with so much relief and joy that Lexa lifted her face upward. Her insides melted with relief, and she brought her hands up in front of her chest in a prayer of thanks.
When the smell of sandalwood filled her nose, Lexa smiled. “Thank you,” she whispered. A gentle breeze stirred the hair around her face like a kiss against her cheek. “Baba, thank you.”
51
While Hsu-Ling recovered in the hospital, Lexa roamed Taichung by herself. Hsu-Ling had shown her the little sidewalk stall that their father liked, a ten-minute walk from the hotel Lexa and Maddie were staying in. Every morning, Lexa slipped out of their room early, leaving Maddie still asleep. She’d sit on a rickety stool on the uneven sidewalk, imagining meeting her father here for breakfast. She ordered bowls of rou geng soup and oyster noodles, two of her father’s favorites. Surrounded by strangers, she’d eat her soup and absorb the day-to-day life of Taichung, from the loud traffic noises to the rapid spoken Taiwanese that flew around her.
She’d take a taxi to the Chang building and spend time with Ah-Ma, listening to her stories about her father when he was a boy. Sometimes Maddie would come with her, and one day, Ah-Ma showed them how to make dumplings. Lexa would never forget sitting at Ah-Ma’s kitchen table sprinkled with flour, watching Ah-Ma roll out the dumpling disc with a wooden rolling pin while Lexa and Maddie scooped the pork, cabbage, and chive filling into the middle. Ah-Ma taught them how to wet their fingers in a bowl of water and run them around the rim of the wrapper before pinching the dumpling shut. Maddie caught Lexa’s eye, and they smiled at each other.
Another day, Lexa explored the neighborhood around the building alone after her visit with Ah-Ma. Every step she took, she wondered if her father had walked this same path, stopped to buy fruit from that fruit stand, or a bubble tea from that teashop, or fixed his phone in that phone store. She couldn’t stop thinking of her father and of all the years she’d missed with him. He was there in every step she took, every corner she turned, and every meal she ate.
On the fourth day after Hsu-Ling woke up, Maddie was flying back to New York, and Hsu-Ling was going to be released later that same day. Lexa and Maddie went to the hospital so Maddie could say good-bye to Hsu-Ling. Kuan-Yu was sitting at Hsu-Ling’s bedside, holding her hand. He greeted them and then rose to give Hsu-Ling a kiss before walking out the door.
“So . . .” Lexa pointed after Kuan-Yu. “How long has this been going on?”
Hsu-Ling looked down, a small smile on her lips. “He started checking up on me after Baba’s accident. Then we were spending more time together. I’ve known him for a long time. Just never thought of him like that.”
“And now?” Maddie asked.
“We’ll see.” Hsu-Ling smiled again.
“Good for you.” Maddie leaned over the hospital bed and gave Hsu-Ling a hug. “Thank you again for getting between your mother and me.”
“You would have done the same for me.”
Maddie tilted her head. “I don’t know if I would have done the same.”
Hsu-Ling nodded her head emphatically. “You would have. You tried to save me from that asshole in New York even when you didn’t like me.”
They smiled at each other, and Lexa bit her lip to keep from laughing out loud.
Maddie reached out and gently touched Hsu-Ling’s head. “You’re going to look like a badass with your shaved head.”
“Badass.” Hsu-Ling rolled the word in her mouth.
“Take care of my sister, okay?” Maddie picked up one of Hsu-Ling’s hands.
Hsu-Ling nodded. “I’m so happy she’s staying for an extended visit.” She turned to Lexa. “Are you sure it’s okay? What about your clients?”
Lexa shook her head. “You’re more important.”
Maddie’s eyes widened in disbelief. “I can’t believe you’re saying that.”
Lexa took Hsu-Ling’s other hand in hers so that the three of them were linked. “Me either. It was hard telling them I’m not coming home for a while. Well, not all of them. Some of them, I was glad to get a break from.” Like Mrs. Lockwood. But she felt bad for leaving Christy Sung, who’d come to depend on her, even though Christy had gained so much confidence in the past mont
hs and continued to stand up to her father. And come to think of it, Andi was fine too, as good as engaged to her new boyfriend. She’d been emailing updates to Lexa, sending pictures of the two of them. And Kiley, thriving in California with John, who’d been a success at his first art show and sold many paintings. Even Beth Shapiro, who claimed she couldn’t live without Lexa, was doing okay with the substitute trainer Lexa had found for her and her husband, David.
Lexa turned back to her sisters. “I need to do this for myself. I think I was burning out at work. My clients are fine without me. They can’t be my whole life.” She looked at Hsu-Ling. “Are you and your mother going to be okay?”
Hsu-Ling shook her head. “I don’t know. I don’t remember much. But knowing she tried to hurt Maddie on purpose . . . I don’t know if I can forgive her for that.”
“Oh, Hsu-Ling. Don’t hold on to your anger. She’s your mother. No matter her intentions, everything she did was for you.”
“I know, but she went too far. She’ll always be my mother, and I won’t press charges against her, but other than that . . .” Hsu-Ling shrugged. The police had come by to question her, and Hsu-Ling had insisted it was all an accident.
They were silent for a moment, still linked by their hands until Maddie pulled away. “I should go. I have to finish packing.”
“What are you going to do about Mike?” Hsu-Ling asked.
“We’re going to counseling when I get back.” Maddie gave a small smile. “Like you, I don’t know how I feel, but I’m not ready to completely cut him out of my life. I want to see if we can work it out. And to see if I can learn to hold my tongue and not let everything I’m thinking fly out of my mouth.” She and Hsu-Ling exchanged a wry glance. “That might be partly what was wrong in our marriage. I don’t know.” She shrugged and then gave Hsu-Ling one last hug. “Come see us again in New York soon.”
“I will,” Hsu-Ling promised.
Lexa smiled. Her sisters were finally getting along.
* * *
• • •
A few hours later, after seeing Maddie off in the car Li-Chung had hired to take Maddie to the airport in Taipei, Lexa walked through Taichung Park. She remembered when her father and Uncle Pong had first brought her here. She walked over the curved bridge, running her hand over the giant white stone railing. She saw herself as an eight-year-old, running over the bridge and down the other side, crying, “Baba, look at me” in Mandarin.
She walked along the lake and watched families in kayaks and canoes floating by. Her father had taken her in one canoe, with Uncle Pong and Hsu-Ling in another. They’d had a race, and Lexa could still remember the screams of laughter that had trailed behind them as Baba and Uncle Pong pumped their arms, trying to outdo each other.
She went north to a quiet area of the park. She stopped at the end of a walkway lined with stone pillars and stared at the set of stairs leading up to two bronze horses and the statue of Confucius. She remembered coming here, and how Baba had led her to the statue and they’d sat at a bench on the side. He’d told her about Confucius, the philosopher and teacher who tried to create ethical models of family and public interactions.
Walking up the stairs, she noted the pavilion was empty. She chose a bench in the shade and sat gazing at the statue. She let her thoughts go, for once not worrying about anything: her clients and how they were doing back home without her, if Maddie had gotten to the airport okay, Hsu-Ling coming home from the hospital later, and Lexa’s decision to stay in Taiwan for at least a month. The wind blew gently, lifting her hair off her neck, a welcome relief from the heat.
Her phone dinged, and she looked down at the screen. It was a picture of Greg and Elise with Zeus in between them, his tongue out and a smile on his face.
Zeus misses you. We do too. Elise says hi.
Lexa smiled to see her dad and Elise looking so happy together and taking such good care of her dog. Before she could respond, her dad texted again.
I’m so proud of you, Lexa. You are my brave, courageous girl. Love you.
She smiled again and sent him a reply. Love you too, my father.
“Ni hao,” someone said from near the statue.
Lexa started and looked up, putting down her phone next to her. She’d thought the pavilion was empty. A shape moved, and an old man emerged from the shadows of the statue. She raised a hand in greeting.
He walked toward her, dressed all in black. “Ni shi zhongguo ren?”
She nodded. “Wo shi zhongguo ren.” I am Chinese. “But I live in America.” She spoke in Mandarin.
“Ah.” He crossed his arms behind his back and regarded her. “Ni xinqing chenzhong.”
Lexa’s eyes widened. How did he know she had a heavy heart? And he hadn’t phrased it as a question, rather as a statement. She nodded at him. Despite her decision to stay, her father’s death and all that had happened still weighed on her. And at the back of her mind was Jake. Should she take a chance, allow him into her life, or was she better off by herself?
“Mei guanxi.” The old man looked at her as he told her it didn’t matter. He gestured toward the statue and switched to accented English. “Confucius says, ‘Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.’” The old man thumped a hand to his heart and switched back to Mandarin. “You will find your way. Believe in yourself.”
He turned and walked down the steps, away from the statue, before Lexa recovered. She wanted to ask him what he meant, but by the time she stood up, he’d disappeared from her view. She looked right and left but didn’t see him. He couldn’t have gone very far in the few seconds it took for her to stand and turn around. Where was he?
She turned back and faced the statue of Confucius, sitting high on a pedestal with Chinese writing on it. She couldn’t read the characters, but the old man’s words rang in her head. Could it be that easy? That life was in fact simple, and she was the one who made it complicated?
What did she really want? What was important to her? She stared at Confucius, at his long beard and his hands clasped in front of him, and suddenly, all sounds from the park faded away. She no longer heard the kids yelling and laughing, or their parents calling to them to “come here” or “stop that.” She didn’t hear the conversations as people walked by below or the sound of traffic outside the perimeter of the park. She stood and stared at the statue.
Family. Family was what was important. She was being offered a second chance to get to know her Taiwanese family. Baba was gone, but Ah-Ma was still here, along with her aunts, uncles, and cousins and, of course, Hsu-Ling. She was going to learn Taiwanese and practice her Mandarin, spoken as well as written. She realized then that Pong had done her a favor. She didn’t know if she’d have had the courage to come back by herself, without his prompting.
She brushed dirt off her shorts as plans formed in her head. In April, she’d come back for another month for Qingming Festival, or Tomb Sweeping Day. Her father would be buried by then, and she wanted to be here to honor him and all the ancestors she hadn’t had a chance to know.
And maybe when she returned to New York, she’d be ready for Jake’s love. Who knew if they’d work out? Maybe the distance would prove too great or they’d find they weren’t as compatible as they thought. But she’d never know if she didn’t try. And she did want to try. Maddie was right. Lexa was being an idiot where Jake was concerned. She’d let the estrangement with her father dictate the path of her life for too long. It was time to break free and listen to her heart.
Her heart pounding, Lexa picked up her phone and texted Jake.
I want to try.
A few seconds later, he answered. I’m so happy. I love you, my Kung Fu Girl.
Lexa exhaled, the air releasing out of her mouth. Without fear, she texted back, I love you too.
A smile breaking over her face, she turned and headed down the stairs and across t
he bridge. She wanted to get back to the hospital to help bring Hsu-Ling home. She stopped in the middle of the bridge at the very top of the arc and looked down at the water. A movement to her right caught her eye. Turning her head, she saw the old man who’d spoken to her at the Confucius statue. He lifted a hand and winked at her. She waved back, and when she blinked, he literally disappeared. Gripping the railing, Lexa stared hard at the place where she’d just seen him.
Believe in yourself. The words formed clearly in her mind. Pushing away from the edge, she crossed the bridge wondering if she was seeing things, or if she’d just witnessed one of the ghosts that Ah-Ma was so adamant roamed among them. The wind stirred her hair, and she thought she could hear her father talking to her. With each step she took, she felt her baba’s spirit, and when the scent of sandalwood drifted around her, she knew she was right. He was there with her, in her heart and in the air around her.
A last breeze brushed her cheek, and then the air went still. She laughed, a joyful sound that was carried away across the water and merged with the echoes of the shrieks of two little girls from years earlier. She turned and exited the park, blending into the crowd of Taiwanese people on the sidewalk.
Acknowledgments
I never dared to dream I would get to write my acknowledgments, and yet, here I am.
Thank you, Rachel Brooks, for pulling me out of the slush pile and being the perfect agent. From your speedy editorial feedback and wise advice to your grumpiness when people didn’t get my book, you have championed me 100 percent. Here’s to our flying meatball anniversary! Thank you also to all the agents at BookEnds: I’m with the best and most supportive literary agency.
To the entire team at Berkley, thank you. Cindy Hwang, my brilliant editor who made my dream of being published by Berkley come true: I am so honored to be one of your authors. Jin Yu (my first fan!), your enthusiasm for my book helped make it a reality, and I am so grateful for your support. To Angela Kim for answering all my questions and being such a fount of information, Vikki Chu for the stunning cover, Elke Sigal for the beautiful book design, and Andrea Monagle for her eagle eye and witty comments. A big thank-you to Danielle Keir and Erin Galloway in publicity, and to Megha Jain, the unsung hero of publishing and who kept everyone on track.
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