Love Me

by Phylicia Joannis

  Chapter Eleven

  Lovers & Friends

  “Anything new regarding your love life?” Martin asks sardonically as he dribbles his basketball down the street.

  “No,” Max responds, following slowly behind him.

  Martin stops walking and lets Max catch up. “What’s with you?”

  Max shakes his head. “I had a dream about Tammie.”

  Martin stops dribbling and chuckles. “A little obsessed, are we?”

  “Funny,” Max replies blandly. “I’ve been having the same dream over and over the past few days. I keep getting the sense that it’s more than a dream, you know?”

  “What’d you have for dinner last night?” Martin jokes.

  Max rolls his eyes. “Be serious. What if it is more than a dream? Tammie could be in trouble. Maybe it’s some sort of divine intervention to keep her from being hurt?”

  “Maybe,” Martin agrees. “You should talk to O.K. about it. I don’t know anything about visions.”

  “Or maybe they’re just the unreliable musings of a former drunk,” Max states glumly.

  “Don’t be such a girl,” Martin chides him. “If you’re having these dreams sober, there must be something to them. Maybe you are meant to help Tammie in some way. And who knows? Maybe someday your dreams will help me, too.”

  Max waves the idea away. “Or maybe I just have a huge crush on Tammie, and it’s no more than wishful thinking.”

  “Yeah, there is that,” Martin laughs.

  “I asked Tammie yesterday how things are going with her and Devon,” Max adds. “She said everything’s great between them, so I guess I’d better butt out.”

  “You coming to the game tonight?” Martin changes the subject.

  “You know I am,” Max smiles. As he continues down the street with Martin, Max hopes that his dreams don’t mean anything. Otherwise, Tammie is about to get her heart broken.

  •••

  “Tammie, you know I love you, right?” Devon strokes her hand as he speaks. His mouth is close to her ear, so close she can barely think straight. They are at his house again. His mother is pulling a double, and won’t be back until late the next morning.

  “I know you, do, Devon, and I love you too,” Tammie replies.

  “And you also know how sorry I am for everything I put you through. You know that, right?” Devon asks with raised eyes. Remorse is etched in his every feature. Tammie knows he is being sincere.

  “Baby, let’s put that behind us,” she comforts him with a kiss on his cheek. “We have our whole lives ahead of us now. Together.” She smiles, confident that he will never leave her again.

  Devon hesitates, then looks away. He has a pained expression on his face, and Tammie knows something is wrong. “What is it, Devon?” she asks.

  “Tammie, I hate to bring it up again, I just don’t want to make things harder for you than they already are.”

  “It’s okay,” Tammie assures him. “You can talk to me about anything.”

  Devon pauses before speaking. “It’s just, I’ve been wondering if you’ve decided what you,” he corrects himself, “what we are gonna do about the baby.”

  Tammie is perplexed. “I um, I don’t know,” she stammers. “I just assumed we’d raise our baby together.”

  “Of course,” Devon states quickly. “I’m with you on whatever decision you make. It’s just that we haven’t discussed it, and I don’t know what preparations to make. I asked you if abortion was an option, and you said you didn’t know, but that was almost a week ago.” He looks at Tammie, soft but stern.

  “Listen, neither one of us likes the idea of terminating this pregnancy, but we have to look at it from all angles. I mean, we have our whole lives to decide to have kids, and I’m all for it, but right now we can’t afford a baby.”

  “You said we could get through this no matter what,” Tammie speaks softly.

  Devon caresses her hand. “And I meant it, Tammie. Like I said before, I am with you no matter what. But you and I don’t know the first thing about taking care of a kid.”

  “I happen to know a lot,” Tammie states defensively. “I practically raised my brothers and sisters.”

  “Yeah, but whose money did you use?” Devon asks. Tammie is quiet, and he continues. “Tams, we don’t have any money. We don’t have jobs, we both live with a single parent who’s already financially stretched. We’re still in high school, for God’s sake. Our lives are just beginning, and to start off with a baby would make things so hard for you, and for me too.”

  “We belong together, Tammie, but we have to make a decision that will be the best for both of us. For the sake of our future together we have to weigh all our options. And we can’t be selfish. Imagine what it would do to your mother if she found out you were pregnant? How much harder would she have to work to feed another mouth?”

  “Imagine my mother – she’d be crushed. And for what? For us to prove a point? What point would we be proving by having this baby? The only thing we’d be proving is that the statistics are right, and I know the last thing you want to become is your mother. You don’t want to be that, and I don’t want you to be that either.”

  “I hear what you’re saying, Devon, but it’s not that simple,” Tammie’s eyes are moist with tears.

  Devon softens his tone. “I know baby, I know this is hard on you. And I would never ask you to do anything you didn’t feel was the right choice. Never. All I’m asking is that we make a decision before it’s too late.”

  Tammie nods. “I know, and I talked it over with Max, and he helped me see that going through an abortion would go against everything I stand for as a Christian.”

  Devon’s loving glance becomes an icy stare. “Max?”

  Tammie doesn’t notice the change in his expression. “Devon, deep down I know I care too much about life to take away our baby’s opportunity to live.”

  “You discussed this with Max before discussing it with me?” Devon’s tone is indignant. Tammie looks up at Devon, her expression apologetic.

  “Devon, it’s not what you think.”

  “You’ve been seeing him behind my back, haven’t you?” Devon accuses her. He distances himself from her, releasing her hand.

  “What? No,” Tammie shakes her head. “This is from before you asked me not to see him, Devon.”

  “So you stopped seeing him?” Devon waits for her to answer.

  Tammie pauses. She can’t lie to him. “Devon, he does attend Wellis. I can’t help but see him, and he’s been a good friend who gives good advice.

  “Better advice than me?” Devon frowns and looks away.

  “Devon,” Tammie pleads for his understanding.

  “Are you sleeping with him too?” Devon refuses to look at her.

  “Devon!” Tammie shakes her head. “You know I would never-”

  “Well now I don’t know, Tammie,” Devon’s voice is full of emotion. “You seem to be more willing to take his advice than mine, and I’m the one fathering this child. Why is it that his opinion has more weight than mine, Tammie? Am I the father, or is he?”

  “Devon stop it,” Tammie speaks forcefully at first, then more calmly. “You know that I love you, and you know I would never betray you.”

  Devon bites his lip, and looks at Tammie. Tears stream down his face as he speaks. “I’m sorry Tams. I just… I love you so much. And when I think of you I see so many possibilities for us. I know you love me, but I can’t share you, even a little, especially with some guy…”

  Devon shakes his head. “Look, I’m scared, okay? Tammie, I’m terrified that having this baby will be the worst mistake of our lives. I mean what if something happens to you? I can’t lose you.” Emotion chokes his words, and Tammie caresses his face, wiping his tears away.

  “I love you, Tammie,” Devon speaks passionately in her ear.

  “I love you too,” Tammie replies. They begin kissing, softly at first, then more passionately until both are certain where thi
ngs are headed.

  •••

  Tammie lay next to Devon, caressing his head as he sleeps. One thing has become very clear to her. She will do anything to keep him. She kisses him on his forehead and he stirs. He gazes up at her adoringly and smiles.

  She smiles back at him. Her heart is racing, but she knows she’s made up her mind. “Devon?”

  “Yes, Tammie?” Devon turns his head to give her his attention.

  “I’ve decided about the baby,” she says slowly.

  Devon waits quietly.

  “I’m going to have the abortion,” she whispers.

  Devon blinks and nods. “Are you sure?” he asks.

  Tammie nods. “I’m sure.”

  Devon looks away in thought. When he turns towards her again he smiles.

  “Stay with me tonight?” he asks. Tammie nods and finds herself being wrapped in Devon’s strong arms.

  “We’ll go to the clinic tomorrow morning. I’ll take you. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of everything.”

  Tammie’s heart races. She hadn’t expected to do it so soon. “Tomorrow?” she asks, hesitant.

  “There’s no time to waste,” Devon squeezes her tight. “I love you, Tammie.”

  Tammie moves her head away from Devon so he won’t see her tears. “I love you too.”

  •••

  The next morning, Tammie is extremely anxious. The entire way there, Devon has to keep asking her if she is alright. She finally answers that she is not.

  “Devon, we need to turn around,” she pulls on his sleeve as she speaks.

  Devon glances her way, concerned, but obviously agitated as well. “What’s wrong, baby?”

  Tammie shakes her head. “I can’t. I just… I can’t do this right now. It’s too soon.”

  Devon tries to soothe her. “Tammie, everything’s going to be okay. I promise. Just sit back and relax, okay?”

  Tammie shakes her head emphatically. “No, Devon. Not today, okay? It’s too soon, and I’m not ready.”

  Devon is visibly agitated. “Too soon? Tammie, you’ve already waited a long time to make this decision. I don’t think putting it off another day is going to help. Another day is going to lead to another, then another.”

  “I promise it won’t be like that,” Tammie assures him. “Just not today, okay? Please?”

  Devon looks unconvinced, but he nods and turns the car around.

  “So what now?” he asks.

  “Could you just take me home?” she asks. He rolls his eyes and turns on the radio. Tammie wills herself to breathe normally. Devon is upset, and understandably, but this is her body. She can’t go through with it unless she’s emotionally ready. He has to understand that. She watches him carefully the rest of the way to her house. When they arrive, Devon gets out of the car to open her door.

  Tammie smiles weakly. “I’ll call you, okay?”

  “Whatever,” Devon shrugs and gets back into the car.

  Tammie walks into her house slowly. She looks around, but no one is home. Relieved, she runs to her bedroom. As soon as she opens her door, she is accosted by her mother.

  “Mom!” Tammie cries out in surprise.

  Her mother looks at her curiously. “Is there something you want to tell me, Tammie?”

  Tammie shakes her head. “I fell asleep, that’s all.”

  Her mother nods quietly and leaves her room. Tammie watches her as she makes her way into the living room, grabbing her purse and keys from the kitchen table.

  “I have to go to work,” she speaks softly.

  Tammie nods and watches her mother head to the door.

  Her mother turns back to look at her before leaving. “Tammie?”

  “Yes, mom?” she looks at her anxiously.

  Her mother is quiet a long time before speaking. “I like Devon, but maybe you two should slow things down a little?”

  Tammie nods. “Ok.”

  Her mother nods, hesitant, and then leaves.

  Tammie hates lying to her mother. It isn’t like her. But her mother has been far from the best example, so what right does she have to tell Tammie how fast or slow to go with Devon? As far back as Tammie can remember, her mother’s idea of taking things slow was never to allow a man to move in before the third date. Still, she feels… dirty. Her mother’s words of caution are unnerving.

  Tammie shakes herself. She has to get it together, especially if she wants to stay with Devon. She hopes he doesn’t think she was lying when she spoke with him earlier. He was obviously furious with her when he left. If she can lie about something as serious as having an abortion, how can Devon trust her to be truthful about anything else?

  It’s Saturday. Tammie wonders where her siblings and grandmother are. Probably on a day trip, or choir rehearsal. She could call Devon and see if he might come over. Tammie calls his cell phone, hoping to reach him before he gets too far away, but she only gets his voicemail.

  Tammie bites her lip, realizing that she doesn’t want to be alone. The idea of being the only person in a house that’s rarely empty and never quiet is depressing. She calls Devon’s cell again, but there's still no answer. Tammie wanders into the kitchen to make herself a sandwich, pretending the lump in her throat doesn’t affect her. When she sits down to eat, she calls Devon again. No answer.

  Tammie finishes her sandwich. It goes down dry, even with a glass of orange juice. Tammie had struggled between choosing orange juice or orange soda for at least ten minutes before finally deciding on the juice. Max would be proud if he saw her making such healthy choices.

  Tammie hits her redial button. A stray tear slips onto her hand as the phone rings. The sound of Devon’s automated voice is becoming annoying. Why isn’t he picking up? He has a bluetooth, so she knows he hears it ringing. He has to!

  Tammie sits down on the couch and turns on the television. This is insane. Devon is driving her insane. She calls again, hoping he’ll pick up. It goes straight to his voicemail this time. Tammie stares at the phone, unable to stop the flood of tears streaming down her face. Why would he turn his phone off? She calls again, but again, it goes straight to voicemail. She hurls her phone across the room. It makes a cracking sound as it hits the wall and falls gracelessly to the floor.

  She slinks down on the couch and puts her head in her hands. Devon promised he wouldn’t leave her, yet here she is. Alone. Again. She pushed him away, again. She can’t cope without him. She needs him to get through this. Desperate, Tammie picks up the house phone and dials his number. It goes straight to his voicemail, but she doesn’t care.

  “Devon,” she speaks into the phone after the familiar beep. “I’m so sorry, Devon, but I promise next Saturday I will go with you to the clinic. I swear it, okay? It won’t be delayed again. I won’t have any excuses. Please, just call me back, okay? I love you.”

  Tammie puts the receiver back in its place and cries herself to sleep.