by A.L. Bridges
****
I suddenly find myself standing in a night club. The bass is pounding around me as I lean with my back against the blue and pink neon lighted, frosted glass bar. Laser lights bounce around on the walls and the dance floor that is over the railing to my right. It appears that I’m either on the second floor, or this club has a basement dance floor. I look over at the bartender who is smoking a cigarillo and mixing a drink in a shaker that he is holding over his shoulder. The place is pretty crowded, but it is still breathable. A large black man walks over to me wearing sunglasses and a black t-shirt that has BOUNCER stenciled across the chest. The shirt appears to be about two sizes too small. He looks familiar in some way.
“THE YOUNG MASTER REQUESTS YOUR PRESENCE,” the man booms over the music and motions for me to follow him.
Why do I get the feeling that this guy has a pet mouse? I follow the man over to the back wall, away from the bar, and then towards a flight of stairs on the right. The stairs lead up to a small walkway that borders length of the dance floor, which is now over the railing on my right and about thirty feet down. Some of the people dancing look sort of familiar…
“WATCH YOUR STEP,” the bouncer says before I stumble on a step, catching myself with the railing.
For some reason, this man has a kind of ‘kingpin’ feel to him. We walk into the hallway at the end of the walkway and the music starts to fade slightly so that it’s only loud and not deafening. I suddenly get this flash of a memory that has the bouncer’s voice saying, “Ricky Bobby, You are not paralyzed!” …Holy Shit! It’s Michael Clarke Duncan! 8
Before I can become star struck, I become dumbstruck instead as Michael Clarke Duncan directs me to a circular booth where I see Jason with his tongue down a blonde’s throat while his arm is around a brunette on his opposite side. As I slowly walk closer, I see that his arms are around Audrey Hepburn and… Marilyn Monroe! Umm, yes… please excuse me while I pick my brain up off the floor.
“CT! It’s been a while! Do you want a drink? I can’t believe this is what it takes for me to talk to you. I’ve been trying to contact you for months, but that blonde-haired bitch kept blocking me out!” Jason says after extracting his tongue from Ms. Monroe. I just stare at him stupefied. “Ladies, can you please excuse us for a while? CT here is a little shy and I think he is star struck.”
Audrey and Marilyn scoot out from the booth. Audrey just walks past me, but Marilyn stops, puts her hand on my shoulder, and whispers into my ear.
“Don’t sweat it, sweetie. We’re used to it,” Marilyn says and then walks away. Now I’m officially star struck… dead star struck…
“What in the hell is going on!?” I ask Jason.
“You’re dead!” Jason replies, a little too enthusiastically. Recent events flood my mind and I sit down to avoid falling over.
“I think I could use that drink now,” I tell Jason. He snaps his fingers and a drink suddenly appears on the table: spiced rum and coke, cold with no ice. Jason knows me well!
“How’d you do that?” I ask as I grab the glass and take a drink.
“I can do lots of things now that you don’t know about,” Jason cheerfully answers.
I recall that the reason I don’t know is because I killed him five months ago.
“Don’t feel bad, CT. If I hadn’t died then, I wouldn’t have learned who I am!” Jason exclaims.
“And who are you?” I ask.
“I’m Hel’s son,” Jason says. I stare at him incredulously.
“Hel? The Norse goddess of the underworld?” I ask.
“One and the same!” Jason replies. “It’s been great! I’m like royalty here!”
“So what have you been doing for the past five months?” I ask while finishing my drink. Jason snaps his fingers and the glass refills. This time it’s a 7 and 7. That is such an awesome trick.
“I’ve been partying like twenty-four seven. Let me tell you, there is no time like trying out tons of drugs other than when you’re kinda dead. I’ve been shooting up with Kurt Cobain, and doing speedballs with John Belushi. I’ve been getting super drunk going shot for shot with Ryan Dunn, and I mean super drunk, like even worse than that time I got us eighty-sixed from that bar after I started a fight with myself for pissing on my shoes… or did we get thrown out because I was taking a piss in the middle of the bar?” Jason asks while trailing off in thought. About a minute passes before he recovers and continues.
“I even had the chef start making candy and baked goods with drugs in them, which are awesome! Just stay away from the crystal meth cupcakes…” Jason says and stares blankly like he’s stuck in a memory that is slightly unpleasant. He shivers when he snaps out of it.
“I even started my own harem! Marilyn and Audrey are in it, along with Jayne Mansfield, and a few other actresses like Katharine Hepburn. I always thought that Katharine was Audrey’s sister so I thought it might get a little weird, but as it turns out, they aren’t even related! Another great thing is you don’t have to wear condoms down here! You don’t have to worry about pregnancies at all! I think I might’ve caught a wicked case of the ghost clap though…” Jason says.
I think Jason may be trying to screw his way through JFK’s ‘little black book.’
“Do you cure that with ghost penicillin?” I ask and Jason laughs.
“Aw man, I’ve missed you, CT. I got a little worried for a while when you went all agro and started ripping guys’ hearts out or tearing their heads off and throwing them at walls… funny thing about that wall, I bet if Andy Warhol could take credit for it as abstract expressionism and came up for some bullshit reason about existentialism to explain the dead guys, it would sell for a couple mil’ …and then there were those awesome spike thingies coming out of your arms and legs! Ooh, and then you drilled a hole in that asshole Illapa! I couldn’t see how you did it, but it was awesome!” Jason exclaims, completely missing the fact that his speech went from something of an ethics lecture to ‘Bro, that was sweet!’
“Wait, how could you even see that?” I ask.
“Oh, I always keep my TV on the CT channel, bro!” Jason says as if that explains everything.
Jason’s eyes glaze over for a second and then he snaps back a moment later.
“Shit! It looks like we’re out of time, CT. I have to send you back now, but listen. I need you to go to that place. Rei knows the location. And make sure you finally admit that you love her!” Jason exclaims.
I open my mouth to ask him what he’s talking about, but Jason doesn’t give me the chance.
“I mean, she is your fiancée now,” Jason says while trying not to laugh.
“MY WHAT!?” I shout as Jason explodes with laughter.
Then the club and Jason fade away.
[End of Book 1]