by B C Morgan
“El wrote things down and I’ve been reading it, I don’t know everything and I doubt I ever will. I just know that you were part of a gang or club, whatever you want to call it. That you chose the name the Black Hearts, and you were set to take it over one day. I know more than I should, but that knowledge will stay with me,” I have to make myself look at him, I need him to see how sincere I am while I say this. I can’t afford for him to have doubts about me. I can’t afford to lose him, not now that I have him back.
“Can I read it, I don’t care what you know little Hen, I trust you. It would be nice though, to feel close to him again and see how he truly felt about all the stuff we did back then,” I believe his reasoning, but I have to refuse him and I kind of hate myself a little for having to do it.
“I’m not ready to share it, but once I’ve read everything there is I will let you look. You cannot keep it though Devon, it’s all I have left of him and I won’t let anything happen to that little piece of El,” I can tell by the hard lines on his face that he isn’t happy, but he gives a quick jerk of his head to show that he agrees. I bet he’s hating me, just a little right now.
DEVON WAS PLANNING to stay for a few more days, but something has happened and he has to leave. I hate it but I can’t ask him to stay, even though I’m dying to do just that.
“I will see you again soon and you’ll have Sawyer to keep you safe whilst I’m gone. He’ll take care of you,” he says as he pulls me in for a quick hug and I manage to last a few seconds longer this time, before I have to push him away.
“Stay safe Devy, I don’t want to lose you now that I have you back,” it comes out on a croak, as my emotions thicken my voice and threaten to choke me.
“Same for you little Hen, I won’t lose you. Don’t worry though, I will find Dante and then I will make sure that he and his bosses can never hurt you again,” the words are pushed out through clenched teeth, almost a hiss with the way he forces them past his lips.
“I’m planning to stick around, have no fear brother. I will listen to Sawyer and I won’t run, I promise,” it’s all I need to say, I won’t break a promise, and he knows it.
He drops a tender kiss on the top of my head, before grabbing his overnight bag and leaving my home. Harrison is at work and Noah has classes so it’s just me and Sawyer, I get the feeling the conversation isn’t going to be all that riveting today. Oh well, I’m not looking for meaningless words, I’m just going to hole myself up within my room and see what I can do on my guitar with the way my hand is. Maybe I should try to teach myself to play left handed, that would be interesting to see.
“Do you need anything?” Sawyer asks as he comes in from seeing Devon off.
“No, I think I'm going to sit in my room for a little while. But please, make yourself at home,” I say with a small smile on my face before I ascend the stairs and shut the rest of the world out.
I need to give it a shot, I know I can’t just pick it up and start playing like I used to, but I won’t give in this easily. They’ve taken so much from me already, I refuse to let them take anything else.
EIGHT
I DON’T KNOW if it was the shouting, the sound of things being thrown or the broken window that caused Harrison to hammer at my door. Sawyer is standing down in the back garden staring up at me with his mouth hanging open whilst running his hand through his hair.
“What did it do to you?” He calls up as Noah joins him and Harrison is getting louder.
“I’ll be out in a minute,” I shout out, louder than I intended to do, but jeez Louise take a chill pill or something.
“Can you come down, I mean we can talk like this if you want but it’s a little awkward,” Noah calls up and I can’t help but shake my head at him as I comb my fingers through my hair, making a mess and not giving a shit.
“If you can call Harrison off, I’ll be down in a sec,” I reply, my cheeks already heating as my anger starts to wear off and embarrassment is left in its wake.
They walk off and they must have gotten Harrison because there’s no more thumping at my door. I mean seriously, what did he think was going on? It’s not like I did anything bad, it was only a boot through a window and a broken lamp... amongst other things. Dragging my hand down my face isn’t helping, not sure why I thought it would. I’m just so frustrated, I’ve been practicing for two weeks now and there’s no improvement. Every day, as soon as I get home from class or have a day off, it’s all I do. So much so that the tips of my fingers have bled and I’m covered in plasters. I cannot get my fingers to work the way they should and it’s breaking me. I thought it was going okay and then it went to shit and I started throwing things.
Why did they have to be home right now? Sawyer I could deal with. We’re amicable but there’s no connection there, he can judge me all he wants. But not my guys, not while I’m feeling so frustrated with myself and humiliated with the way I reacted. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, and I know it hasn’t been that long but I think part of me was hoping it would just... click into place.
Maybe I should look into physical therapy, I did have it in the beginning and it helped but I wasn’t focusing on the guitar then. I just don’t know if it’s worth it. No, not going there, I need to go downstairs and face the music. Ha.
Walking downstairs I can see from the bottom step that they’ve converged in the living room and they’re all staring right at me. Sawyer looks a mixture of confused and amused if his furrowed brow and slight smile are anything to go by. Noah’s eyes are soft and his mouth is smiling but I can see the creases around his eyes and I know he’s worried. Whereas H just looks pissed, I guess that’s our dynamic. How fun.
I lift my hand up in a small wave and Harrison just shakes his head at me, revealing his ever ticking jaw. I can’t help but watch the way his cheek moves in and out as he tries to rein in his anger.
“I’m sorry about the window,” I say but I don’t understand why H is hissing at my words, am I not allowed to apologise now?
“I don’t care about a bloody window,” he grinds out, his eyes flashing and I can’t understand why he is so angry. Surely his reaction is an exaggeration, right? His mood doesn’t seem to fit the crime, not in my opinion anyway.
“What is your problem, so I freaked out and trashed my room a little. It isn’t that big of a deal, I only broke my stuff so take it down a notch,” I force out, my own anger returning as I step closer and jab my finger into his chest.
He seizes my wrist and his eyes narrow as I flinch, oh fuck it! I’m not letting my nightmares get in the way of this, he wants a fight he can bloody well have one.
“Are you really that dense or are you just acting the part?” His eyes are hard and his tongue whips at me with its poisoned barb.
“Where the fuck do you get off? Stop being irrational and start making some freaking sense,” I’m shouting and I can see the other two staring at us with amusement on their faces. Glad they’re enjoying the show. Bastards.
“You locked your door,” he shouts back and his growl may as well be a roar when I roll my eyes at his statement. “Drop the fucking attitude woman, I don’t need it. You locked me out and when I heard crashing noises, I was terrified that someone had managed to get in. I couldn’t get to you and I was helpless and proven useless,” he’s still shouting but the hardness in his eyes is giving way to the fear that I caused in him.
It’s killing me that he recoils as I reach out to touch him with my free hand, instead he releases me and storms out of the room. I want to follow him but I’m worried that I’ll only make things worse if I do that right this second. I never even considered what the locked door would do to them, to him. It was such an insignificant choice, I never even gave it a lot of thought.
“I’m sorry,” it comes out on a whisper and Noah is beside me in a nanosecond. I don’t even react as he wraps his arms around me. “Don’t worry my love, Harry isn’t great at dealing with true fear. I think we’re learning to handle it together,” he sa
ys against my forehead as he drops a kiss upon it.
“What are you on about, true fear?” His words are confusing me, well the meaning behind them anyway. I do not want to assume anything, so questioning it is probably my safest bet.
“We have a lot of things we’re scared of, some make sense and others are so irrational you can’t help but ask yourself why it affects you the way it does. It all pales in comparison however when you discover the one thing that truly scares you, and I mean chills you to the very core and makes you never want to see the light of day again,” he’s breathing hard and I can feel his heart racing a mile a minute as I rest my hand against his chest. “You can have more than one, but they're big. There isn’t anything small about them and cannot be paled to any kind of comparison. I had one when I thought I could turn like my mum but it passed when I was given the all clear. It hasn’t gone though, more changed into the fear that I could pass it onto one of my kids,” he laughs mirthlessly before taking a deep breath. “Like I said, you can have more than one and I know that one of my true fears I share with Harry. It’s you Henleigh, the thought of losing you. Something bad happening and not being able to save you or get a second chance to make things better. We don’t want to lose you Henleigh, I can’t lose you,” his voice is breaking and I can’t stop myself from wrapping my arms around him and holding as tightly as my arms will allow.
20TH FEBRUARY 2009
Ahhh fuck it, I can’t get this stupid smile off my face. I met someone a couple of days ago and I can’t get him out of my mind. He’s kind, sweet and so damn funny. He’s utterly barmy but in the best of ways, he has such a dry wit and he gets me. We spent hours just talking, and it feels like I’ve known him my whole life. So here’s my predicament, I can’t speak to him again. He’s so... good. He’s the kind of guy if he saw keys left in a car, he would stand there until the owner came back so no one would nick it. I bet he wouldn’t even say a bad word about his parents if his were anything like mine. This fucking sucks donkey dick. The first guy I genuinely like and he’s too good for me. For the life I am now leading and the shit I get myself into. It’s bad enough Henleigh is a part of it, even though she doesn’t realise it, I can’t do that to him as well. He has the chance to find someone worthy, someone who can be who he deserves, that isn’t me and I won’t ruin his life like my parents have ruined mine and Hen’s.
I wish I could see him again, just once but I can’t. It will only make it harder, besides who can even say he felt the same way about me. Like I said he was a really nice guy, he was probably just being friendly and didn’t feel like his heart was going to race out of his chest when our hands brushed against each other. Fuck, I am so screwed. Why couldn’t I have met him when I got our lives sorted out? Maybe it’s just further proof that we aren’t right for each other. Surely this life wouldn’t introduce me to the perfect guy only to yank him from me in a single heartbeat.
28 FEBRUARY 2009
Okay, so I know I said I wouldn’t talk to him again but he sought me out. What was I supposed to do, blank him? Okay yeah, that is what I should have done but we’ve been talking for an entire week straight, mainly texts but it can’t be in my head. There’s real chemistry between us and I’m struggling to remember why I shouldn’t pursue this. I know Henleigh will absolutely love him, maybe once I get us away she’ll have the chance to meet this guy who has turned my whole world upside down. Damon Berkeley, the only guy I can see myself being with. I sound so fucking lame but isn’t that the whole point of journaling? Being able to be honest with yourself, without any judgements. It isn’t like anyone else will ever read this and I can’t see why I would ever want to revisit some of the shit I have written down.
Speaking of that, I can’t believe Devon is taking a more central role already. His dad must really see something in him, I’m just not sure that is a positive thing. I love his family and they’ve looked out for me but I know they’re not the good guys, they’re not the worst by far but I’m not sure how far removed they are from being considered as bad as the Shaws.
Yeah, they are psychotic and the people they have working for them are insane. There’s this one guy who, when he looks at you makes you feel as though you’re one step away from death. His eyes are lifeless and I’ve never seen an ounce of emotion coming from him. He can charm as good as any ladies man but... it’s all pretend. It has to be, all I can say is that I hope I never fall onto the wrong side of Dante. I know it's inevitable though, if he’s working for the Shaws our paths will undoubtedly cross again. Devon said he’ll keep me safe and I know in a fight there’s no question who will come out on top, but something tells me if Dante ever wants me dead, it will happen. It will only be a matter of time.
I close the journal and move away from it to stare out of my window. He knew him and he had the same impression as me, I guess like brother like sister. Devon knows Dante as well, did he know there was a possibility he could escape? If so, then it’s my fault, he would have killed him if I hadn’t asked him not to. If he comes back for me, I’ll only have myself to blame.
HARRISON IS SITTING in the garden swinging on the bench swing, I need to go to him but I don’t know what to say. Maybe I should apologise but at the same time I feel as though I shouldn’t have to say sorry for putting a lock on my door. I don’t even know why I did it, okay that isn’t exactly true. I did it because I didn’t want anyone walking in while I was reading El’s journal and then it became a way to keep them out whilst I was trying to teach myself to play the guitar again. Maybe I need to tell him that, he knows about the journal, not what's written in it or anything but he knows I have it. So, why am I so reluctant?
Walking over to him, I can’t miss the way his shoulders tense and his eyes narrow. Maybe I haven’t given him long enough to calm down, but if I don’t do this now I more than likely won’t do it at all. So instead of turning around and walking away, all I can do is claim the seat beside him and hope he doesn’t leave.
“I didn’t mean to scare you like that, I never even considered what it would do to you guys. I didn’t mean to be so blasé about your feelings, I just wanted some privacy and the lock gave me that,” I’m speaking quietly as I fold my legs beneath me and look at him from the corner of my eye.
“You don’t need a lock on your door to ensure privacy, we would never just barge our way in, not unless we thought you were in danger. I don’t even know how to do this Henleigh,” he says in a tone I can’t recognise and the words are fucking scary. What does he mean?
I can’t bring myself to ask him that, instead I’m plucking a flower from a bush beside me and pulling its petals off, one by one.
“Aren’t you going to say something?” He asks, is there sarcasm in his voice, what does he want me to say?
“I’m scared to,” I reply, swallowing over the lump in my throat. The funny thing is, I’m terrified of losing them too.
“I don’t know how to do this relationship crap, especially when there’s more than two people involved. Although I don’t think it makes much of a difference how many of us there are, I just don’t know what I’m doing,” he climbs to his feet and starts pacing the ground whilst dragging his fingers roughly through his hair. “I’ve never done this before and I suck with the heavy stuff. It’s drowning me and I feel useless, I can barely even help you,” he’s saying every word slowly, carefully.
“You are helping me, it’s because of you I can even handle being held. The reason I don’t have to sleep alone at night and face every one of my nightmares. It’s all because of you tough guy and to be honest, I’m just as out of my element as you. I shut myself off for so long, it’s hard opening myself up and trusting completely. It’s scary, but you guys are worth the fear, you’re worth everything to me,” I don’t even know when I stood up or walked over to him, but I’m holding my hand out and he’s leaning his face into it.
“I don’t want to lose you,” he whispers and I stroke my thumb across his cheek. “I feel the same way,” I s
ay softly as he lowers his face to mine and captures my mouth in the softest, sweetest kiss I have ever experienced in my life.
It doesn’t stay sweet for long, as he deepens it sweeping his tongue along the seam of my mouth. I grant him the access he’s seeking and his hands are sliding down my back and gripping my arse as his tongue explores my mouth, tangling with my own. I place my hands on his shoulders and waste no time in gaining the leverage I need to be able to wrap my legs around his firm waist.
I can feel him hardening against me and I can’t stop myself from thrusting my hips enough to feel him rubbing right where I need him. His mouth pulls away from mine as his head lowers to my neck and he sucks and bites on the sensitive skin, making my toes curl.
“Room,” I gasp out on a moan but for some reason he’s shaking his head and I can’t fathom why.
“Too far,” he groans out, before we fall back onto the bench swing, with me straddling his lap.
I can’t bring myself to care if anyone is watching as he slides the straps of my top down and closes his mouth over my nipple through the lace of my bra. I lift my hips up and he slides my leggings down over my body and I free one leg whilst unzipping his jeans and pulling him free. I can feel his heat as he grows impossibly hard in my grip, I pump him a few times, stroking my thumb across his tip before holding him against me.
He growls as I line him up with my entrance, but instead of sliding down onto him, I rub him across my clit over and over again.
“Don’t tease” he begs as he kisses up the column of my neck, along my cheek and then capturing me once more in a bruising kiss, that will no doubt leave me with red, swollen lips.
“Okay,” I breathe out, before lowering myself over him, feeling myself stretch and the burn within my stomach lessening with every inch of him.