by B C Morgan
“Look after her Lija,” he gives me one last squeeze before leaving the room and closes the door behind him.
“Okay Eli, I’m coming.”
“HAVE YOU GOT EVERYTHING?” Noah asks as he loads my suitcase and overnight bag into my car. Along with my guitar, just in case.
“It’s only going to be for a couple of weeks, you won’t even notice I’ve gone,” I say as I brush my mouth over his.
“That’s impossible, even more so with Harrison sulking. Just go and have some fun and relax and know that we’ll be right here waiting for you when you get back.”
“Are you still going back to your dad’s?” I ask as we hold each other as though it’s the last time. Why would I even think something like that? It’s not the last time.
“Yeah I’m setting off tomorrow but I’m only going for a few days, and he’ll be at work most of the time so he shouldn’t get in too much trouble while I’m gone,” he says hopefully and I can’t help but cross my fingers that he’s right. H is a wildcard when he’s pissed off.
“He had another bad dream last night, they only seem to happen when I’m not there with him,” it comes out quietly and riddled in guilt.
I know I shouldn’t feel guilty but I can’t help it, knowing that I’m leaving him to face his demons alone. Then again, I wouldn’t be leaving if he had only trusted me. It’s not like I’m leaving him for good but he needs to work out if he can trust me, because without trust, there can be no us.
1ST JULY 2009
I spent the night with Damon and it’s only sealed our fate, I need to be with him but I’m in a really fucking precarious position right now. Mr. Dickhead, AKA Devon’s dad has ordered me to do something, and he doesn’t want Devon to know. Three guesses why that is, but I only need one. Devon won’t be happy that he’s getting me to do this, but what am I supposed to do, I can’t turn him down. He made the point of letting me know that I’m the only one who is allowed to do this clean, if he sends someone else it won’t be as nice. Henleigh could even be placed in the line of fire, he made sure to let me know it would only be an ‘accident’ as if I believe that!
This is so fucked up, why I even waste my time writing in this poxy thing I have no idea. It isn’t going to help, but who else can I turn to? How pathetic is this, I have brothers who I would die for and I can’t even tell them what’s going on? Although, maybe that isn’t exactly true. I can’t tell Damon, my heart tells me to trust him but there’s still that little voice that tells me he’s a Shaw and I need to be careful. As long as Hen is my responsibility, I can’t take any risks. I’m a piece of shit but I’m all she has and I’m better than the parents we’ve been lumbered with.
So, I can’t talk to him but I could talk to Asher. He’s a part of all this but he’s also an outsider. I don’t know why, but he only answers to Devon, I guess he was smarter than me. Then again, that isn’t a surprise. I rarely listen to my head, nope I let my heart rule my decisions, words and actions. It gets me in deep shit it's who I am, my greatest flaw and more than likely it will get me killed one day.
It’s the price I have to be willing to pay I guess, but I plan on having many more years with my sweet, sweet sister and hopefully with the guy who is slowly stealing my heart. Although he can only ever have part of it, my sister will always own the rest, the only girl who ever will.
Okay, I know what I will do now. I’m going to speak to Asher, if anyone will know what to do it will be him. Maybe he can lend me his brain and help me get out of this godforsaken mess I’ve landed myself in.
11TH JULY 2009
I hate it when people tell me what I already know, doesn’t mean I love Asher any less though. If it’s one thing I know about that lad, he only ever says it how it is. I have to do what Mr. Dickhead ordered but he’s going to make sure Devon knows everything, oh yeah shit is about to get real. Asher was certain of that, but what power does Dev really hold over his dad? He’ll run the BHMC one day but he isn’t there yet, so why does it even matter. Then again, why was his old man so insistent that I didn’t tell him? Something isn’t adding up here, and it’s only proving to further my nervous disposition. I’m scared out of my mind, I may not think with my mind but I’m not an idiot. I know what I’m getting into and what following out his orders could mean. It will rain the fire of the Shaws’ down upon us all, if they go after my parents then we could become fodder.
He wants me to get proof of which Shaws’ my parents are working for and how many cases my dad has interfered with for their benefit. How many cases has he overturned? How many juries has he bribed and how many bad guys has he allowed to walk away without a care in the world?
Photographic proof will prove a little harder but it’s not impossible, Asher is going to help with that one. My dear old mum is a different matter entirely, I know what she’s been doing, and she hasn’t been discreet but how do I get the proof? She’s storing and selling drugs for them but I can’t take any to give to the BHMC, she would notice and it will only end in bloodshed. I could take pictures, but is it enough? Honestly, that isn’t even the part I’m having the most trouble with. I can’t stomach setting up a camera to catch her with them. I do not want to see my mother opening her legs like a second class hooker, for the Shaws. We know it’s happening, dad must know it too but it's taking place right under his roof and Dickhead wants proof. Mrs. Shaw would be very disappointed if it came out, that’s assuming she’s aware of it; he wants the leverage and I’m the one to get it.
I FEEL SICK, I kept telling myself not to listen but I did it anyway. Sawyer is giving me space to deal with whatever has me feeling so messed up, he doesn’t know about the journal and I’m going to keep it that way. It’s none of his concern, it doesn’t make it any easier though. I need to talk to someone about this, but I don’t know who. There’s Noah, but I can’t put this on him. He’s got his own parents to handle and I can’t pile more onto him. I can’t talk to Elijah, we’re not there yet and I’m not going to rush things. Harrison could be the guy I chose, but I refuse to be the one to reach out, childish maybe, stubborn for sure. I just don’t see why I should make the move when I didn’t do a damn thing wrong.
Roxie: Baby girl I miss you and can I just say how excited I am to have you joining us. Please know that I don’t expect you to perform with us, I want you to of course, but there’s no pressure. We just want to see you, bring on next week. Woooo.
Me: I know that, damn girl I know I’m lucky to have you as a friend. What am I saying? You’re family and I love ya. See you in a week, I really am looking forward to it.
Bella: Hey, I just heard you’re coming with us, that’s brilliant. I can’t wait to see you and spend some time with you. I miss you, how can you make me miss Padstow? It's not the school, but the fact that I can’t just walk down the hall to catch up. I miss you being closer.
I don’t trust you Bella, I can’t. No matter what happens I’m going to make sure we’re never left alone. Best to be safe, just in case she decides to shove a knife in my back.
Me: Can’t say I miss Padstow but I get what you mean, see you soon give Matti a hug for me.
“If you clutch your phone any harder you may break it,” Sawyer says as he flicks his gaze to me for a moment.
“Can I ask you something?” I hesitate as I say it, but I need to push through. I need a fresh set of eyes and it needs to belong to someone impartial.
“You can ask me anything you like, whether I answer is a different matter though,” he replies as he white knuckles the steering wheel and I can’t help but wonder what kind of question would cause that reaction.
“If you suspected a friend, someone you adore and has been there for you, as a threat what would you do?” I’m quiet but the car is quieter, so there’s no way he won't hear me.
“It would depend on my certainty regarding the matter and whether I had any proof, has this person done anything to earn your suspicions?” How can he ask it so simply, there is nothing simple about that qu
estion.
“Not exactly, she had a text come through that could have been about anyone but I saw a link. I tried to ignore it but I started seeing links to everything she has done and everywhere she has been when things have happened. It could be a coincidence, but I can’t afford to take that risk,” my words are growing more frantic and I’m practically panting under the strain and fear that I feel.
“I recommend you keep an eye on her and stay on your toes, you don’t want to ruin a friendship if there's no cause.” A flash of pain flickers in his eyes before the shutters fall down. “Accusations like that, there's no coming back from them. However, try not to get cornered by her or be alone with this girl, if she does something suspicious then tell me and I’ll make sure Devon is on the case. He’ll sniff out a rat, if there’s one to be found.”
TWELVE
“LITTLE LADY, WAKE UP,” a hand is gently shaking me awake and I can’t believe I fell asleep.
“Sorry,” I say on a yawn as I stretch out and Sawyer smiles softly at me before his eyes flick to my window.
Rubbing at my eyes before looking outside, I can’t believe that Elijah is standing right there. I move so fast I hit my head on the roof, which just makes the tosser laugh.
“Come on sleeping beauty, out you pop,” he says as he opens my door and takes my hand to pull me up.
No reaction happens which I am beyond happy about, it feels like a huge step in the right direction that he can do something as simple as this and not set me off.
I don’t want to push things so I pull my hands free and grab my bag, despite Sawyer’s grumblings about never being allowed to be chivalrous anymore.
Elijah leads me into his home, it has an open planned kitchen and living room. A staircase in the hallway that leads upstairs and a garden that’s long and secluded.
“Make yourself at home,” he says with a grin as he takes my bag and leads me upstairs to what will be my room for the week.
Its walls have been painted magnolia and there’s a double bed taking up the middle of the room, it isn’t big but it doesn’t matter. I’m only going to be sleeping in here, how much room do I really need?
“I know it isn’t much, but I don’t exactly have visitors,” he says as he rubs the back of his neck.
“It’s perfect, don’t be daft. Although, what do you mean you don’t have visitors? What about your parents?”
“I tend to go and see them, there isn’t really enough space for them all to come up. That and my mum smacked the back of my head the last time she came up, after I said we were done and I wasn’t going to try and make things right,” he sounds so sheepish that I can’t help but smile, plus I adore his mum.
“Maybe you can take me back to see them again one day,” I say quietly and his face goes from shock to ecstatic in no time.
“I’d love that,” he says with a soft smile and he’s looking at me as though I just told him he won a million quid.
“Okay... I’m going to put my stuff away, see you downstairs in a sec?” I sound so awkward but this is a strange arse situation and I need a few minutes to find my composure.
“No worries, take your time Hen,” he doesn’t take his eyes from me as he moves in closer and drops a soft kiss on my cheek.
Lightning shoots up my spine at the contact and I’m starting to realise that although some things still trigger me, the more comfortable I feel with someone, the easier it is. Elijah can make me so mad and irritate me to no end, but I do feel comfortable with him.
Closing the door behind me I unpack my bag and my eyes can’t help but fall to the Journal. I really shouldn’t read it now, after what I read in the car I think I need to take a break from prying into El’s past. Only my heart isn’t listening as I hold it within my hands and open it up to the next page.
20TH JULY 2009
I did it, spied on my parents and gave all the information to Dickhead, he made sure to remind me not to let Dev know. Only Asher won’t let me stick to that, if I don’t tell Dev, then he will. Only, his dad would know I spilled the beans and I’m worried about what could happen, I’m really starting to regret my decision to join the ‘club’ although the way he runs it, it’s a fucking gang. How does no one see this? Just because the Black Hearts are a legitimate bikers club, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s a front, just like the bar and club they own. I know full well most of their money comes from the stuff that no one talks about.
I mean come on, when I turn eighteen they’re going to give me a tattoo to show I’m a member, it will stop low life thugs from starting on me. Only if I mess up, it gets removed and the style of removal varies depending on Dickhead’s mood.
No, I can’t let that happen, I’m getting the fuck out of this place. I’ve got a fair bit of money saved up, just two more jobs and we’ll be good to go. I’ll miss my brothers but loss is inevitable. Better to run than one day watch them die, that’s what will happen. This gang is for life and their enemies aren’t to be messed with. If you don’t run, you’ll die, maybe not today or tomorrow, but it will happen. It won’t always be collateral damage or at the enemies hands either.
I’m sorry Devon, I love you man but I won’t die for your dad’s cause. I hope you won’t either.
Fuck it, I’ll send him a text in a bit and ask him to meet me tomorrow, as for tonight I’m going to see Damon. I’ll wait until Hen is asleep and I think I’ll lock her door just to be extra safe, then I’m out of here.
PIXIE: Please feel free to tell me to mind my own business but... is everything okay? Harrison is being a right grump and he won’t tell me anything other than he fucked up and you left. Again tell me to shove off and I won’t be offended. Miss you, plus you’d be so proud I haven’t punched anyone for two whole days. I am clearly growing as a person.
I can’t help but laugh at that, fuck me Ivy you are a character and a half. Maybe she should stay out of it, but I haven’t got the heart to tell her to mind her own business. She risked herself for me and I still don’t know why?
Me: He doesn’t trust me, he came home and found me and Scott on the sofa and you could see him jumping to all kinds of conclusions. Until he found out that Scott was gay and then everything was hunky dory, doesn’t work like that. He has to be able to trust me for this to work, I know it isn’t easy but surely he knows I’m not going to bring a guy home. We had this conversation not that long ago, and I thought he accepted it. Guess I was wrong. As for the other thing, girl I am so proud. If you last an entire week, I'll bring you a cookie.
Pixie: What a moron, don’t worry I’ll sort him out. And if I make it a week, I should get a whole pack of cookies, you tight arse. So I was going to come down and see you but seeing as you’ve left, I won’t bother oh woe is me. *wondering if this act is working on you yet*
Me: Not really, all I can feel is the endless sarcasm lol. I had to get away, but it ain’t so bad. I’m spending some time with Elijah and I think we’ll see if we can make something work between us. I’m scared but I think for once, I’m not going to run from it. I guess there really are good kinds of fear, about time I started to experience them myself.
Pixie: Please don’t ignore me after I say this but, Amias has been asking after you. I haven’t said anything to him but... he misses you and I know he hates himself for what he did. I’m not saying forgive him, I just thought I’d let you know. And girl if you are with Elijah then you are not that far from me. He better be prepared to share you... out of context that sounds so bad.
Speaking of Elijah, I should get back downstairs and spend some time with him. I knew the journal would only distract me but I couldn’t resist its call and I love that he’s given me my space. Although I do wonder why he hasn’t come up yet, did I want him to?
I think the hard part is, back at Padstow before everything went wrong, Eli was always up in my space and definitely touchy feely. I respect the hell out of him for controlling himself but I don’t know if I want him to, he shouldn’t have to change himself because of t
he way I am. I want to get better, not drag them down along with me.
“Come on Hen, I’m not getting any younger,” I hear him shout from downstairs, I’m smiling at it but it isn’t easing this unsettled feeling that is taking root within me.
“I’m coming, I’m coming,” I shout back, descending the stairs and making my way into the living room.
He’s sprawled out on the sofa, flicking aimlessly through the shows on Netflix. His eyes give me a quick once over before returning to the tv, okay then.
“So, what’s the plan?” I ask hesitantly, why is his attitude bothering me so much. Was I expecting him to be excited that I am here? I mean, I am running away from one guy to another, how can I or even why should I expect anything?
“I thought we could just chill for today, I mean you did just get here and you spent quite a bit of time upstairs. I gathered you were tired or something,” he says but he isn’t looking at me and I really want to throw something at him.
“Sure, okay,” I move into the room and claim the recliner, folding my legs underneath me.
Five, four, three, two, one…
“Have you changed your mind or something?” I tried so hard not to ask anything but I can’t hold it back any longer. Okay, maybe I didn’t try that hard.
He sits up slowly, his eyebrows drawn down and he looks thoroughly confused.
“Huh, you’ve lost me,” he says and the confusion in his voice is genuine.
“Do you want me to go or have you decided it’s better if we stay friends?” My voice is getting quieter with each word I say.
“What are you going on about? Am I missing something here because this isn’t making a damn bit of sense to me,” he says as he gets to his feet and comes closer to me.
“Okay, so usually when you invite someone to come and stay you make them feel welcome,” I bite out, crossing my arms over my chest and I just stare over his shoulder.