A plane sank low on the horizon just in front of Tanya, dipping its nose and pouring bullets onto a group of unsuspecting women in the middle of their mad dash to the station. Two women dropped to the ground amidst a chorus of screams, silenced by Nazi bullets that did not discriminate.
Tanya wanted to stop to help, to see if the bullet-ridden women were still alive, but another low-flying plane dove from the sky and headed straight toward her. She raced for the relative safety of the station. Could sub-machine gun bullets penetrate walls? She would soon find out.
Ducking into the front doors of the station, Tanya bent forward and gulped deep breaths of air. She had made it.
"Fe, that was close…" Feodora wasn't beside her. "Fe?Feodora!"
Her gaze skittered around the station, her wide-eyed comrades emitting a chorus of groans and screams. One woman in the corner had a bullet wound on her arm. Another lay in her friend's arms.
"Feodora!Fe!"
Where could she have gone?
Tanya forced herself to search the panicked faces in the station one-by-one, hoping, fearing at the same time. Where was her friend's familiar golden hair and boisterous smile? Where was she?
The reverberation of more machine gun fire echoed through the building and, Tanya dove to the floor. Surely Feodora wasn't still out there, was she?
She raced toward the glass doors at the front of the building and as she reached the bare windows, another plane dove down on the nearly empty street, it's nose aiming straight toward a hodge-podge group of stragglers—the last of the volunteers who were rushing for cover inside the station.
"Nooo!" she screamed, waving her arms for the women to get inside to safety.
But no human could run that fast. The patter of bullets began and death poured out of the nose of the plane, pummeling the shell-shocked victims. One after another, women fell, hitting the ground with a cacophony of screams.
Feodora stood in the middle of the group, her arm around a frail-looking woman whose face twisted into a grimace as she struggled to take each step. A dark stain of blood ran down the woman's leg. Feodora had stopped to help another victim.
Tanya caught Feodora's eye and screamed, "Come on, Feodora. Come on."
Thirty meters to go.Then twenty.
Then fifteen.
The Nazi fighter took one last dip toward the stragglers, pumping the trigger on the nose-mounted machine guns. The first few shots hit the ground, erupting in tiny geysers of clay-colored mud, each tiny eruption filling Tanya with relief that another Nazi bullet had fallen without harming someone.
"Run!" Tanya screamed again, reaching out to her friend as if she could pull her more quickly.
In one horrific moment, one of the bullets found its mark. Feodora jerked forward, a stunned expression of both fear and confusion on her face before she hit the ground in a cloud of dust.
"Feodora!" Tanya raced out into the street without caring about the danger. She reached Feodora and wrapped her hands around her friend's shoulders, dragging her limp body into the station.
"Help! Someone help me!" Her cries were lost amongst the hundreds of other women who were also desperately seeking help. "Please! Help!"
Agripina shoved her way through the crowd and crouched next to Feodora. "Oh, no."
"The plane…it…it…"
Agripina fell down at Feodora's other side, brushing Feodora's blood-soaked hair off of her dirt-stained face.
Tanya listened for sounds of breathing. "She isn't breathing."
Agripina leapt to her feet. "Someone! Please! Help. My friend has been shot!"
A woman raced toward them, blood covering the front of her white shirt. She sank to the ground next to Feodora. "I'm a nurse. Get back."
"She was shot in the back."
"All right." The nurse gently rolled Feodora onto her side. A pool of bloodhad puddled under her body. Sticking two fingers against her neck, the nurse sat quietly for several minutes, moving her fingers to different positions before turning sad eyes toward Tanya and Agripina. "I'm sorry. She's gone."
"Gone?" Tanya screamed. "Can't we get her to the hospital tent for surgery or something?"
"No." The nurse gripped Tanya to steady her. "It looks as if she was killed instantly."
Killed instantly?
Tanya collapsed into Agripina's trembling arms, closing her eyes in an effort to block out the pain. How could this have happened?
Agripina gripped her shoulders, sobbing audibly.
How could Feodora…be gone? A moaning wail escaped her lips as she melted onto the floor, her head pressed against her friend's still form. Lying there, she screamed in anger, ranting against a God whom she didn't even believe existed. "How could You have let this happen? How? How?"
Her screams were interrupted by Agripina, who pulled her up and looked her straight in the eye. "Tanya. They're telling us we have to get on a train now. I know you're sad. I know you don't want to leave, but they think another air raid is imminent. We have to get out of here now."
"But…what about Feodora?" Tanya searched Agripina's face for answers, for hope, for anything that would help her friend.
"We have to go. Now."
"I can't leave her!" Tanya screamed back. "I can't."
"We have to."
Agripina's arms pulled her one way, but her heart brought her back to the platform. To Feodora. She writhed against Agripina's tugging, desperate for one last glimpse of her friend.
"Feodora!" Tanya reached out the door and screamed in despair. She had to go back for her, she had to bring her onto the train.
Agripina pulled her back, forcing her towards the train. How could she be leaving Fe there alone on the cold, hard floor?
The doors slammed shut and without so much as a whistle to signal their departure, the train sped out of the station, racing through the open fields toward Leningrad.
Racing away from death and destruction and failed hopes.
Racing away from the defense line that Feodora had given her life to build.
Racing away from the failures and losses of a Russian army that couldn't seem to hold off their enemy.
And toward Leningrad.
The city that had just lost its last hope.
47
Leningrad, Russia
The streets of Leningrad seemed normal.
Tanya and Agripina trudged down boulevards lit by both the sun and the moon in its early evening light, all but ignoring the stately buildings glowing in the warm air and the birds that flitted back and forth between the trees that lined the nearly empty Leningrad streets. A couple passed by, hand-in-hand, talking in whispers to each other as if they didn't have a care in the world.
"It's as if they don’t know what's coming," Agripina said bitterly.
"Or what has already come to pass." Tanya's voice was weak. Strained. Another wave of pain flooded her body and she choked on a messy sob before giving in and allowing the tears to flow. Hiccupping, Tanya studied Agripina, wondering if she looked as haggard and battle worn as her friend did. Agripina's dress—probably once sold on the racks of an expensive boutique—was torn at the collar and the hem. Bloodstains soaked the front and mud streaked down the sleeves. Mud-stained tracks of tears stained her pale face as well.
Glancing down at her own torn and bloodstained clothes, Tanya reached up and did her best to comb her fingers through her hair. "I…I need to straighten up. I can't let Verushka see me like this."
Agripina carefully removed a light yellow shawl from her knapsack—she hadn't lost hers in the rush—and wrapped it around Tanya's shoulders. "Here. Take this. It'll at least cover the blood stains on your dress."
"But what about you?"
"They won't even notice me when they see you."
Tanya wrapped the shawl around her shoulders and took a tentative step up the crooked stairs to Vera's front door.
"Vera?" She opened the door without knocking. "We're… I'm home."
Vera hobbled in from the kitchen, the
baby on her hip, her grin replaced by a look of dread when she saw Tanya and Agripina standing in the shadows of her doorway. "Oh, dear. What has happened?"
"She's…she's gone." Tanya collapsed into Vera's embrace.
"What happened?" Vera's voice was tight, barely audible.
"There was an air raid and the Nazi planes were shooting at us." Agripina answered for Tanya, her eyes slick and wet.
Vera pulled Agripina into their hug.
A moan escaped Tanya's lips as she clung to what felt like her last lifeline. "Where's Verushka? Where's my baby?"
"She's napping. Go have a seat over there and I'll wake her up." Vera laid a gentle hand on her back and led her to the couch, gently sitting right beside her and wrapping her into another warm hug.
Agripina perched on the edge of the couch next to Tanya and looked at her. "We'll get through this, Tanya. We will."
The sound of a baby crying echoed from down the hall.
Tanya’s chest ached. Her baby. She was finally home for Verushka.
Vera entered the room with the baby on her hip. "Mama's here, Rushkie. Your mama is here." Verushka's head lay on Vera's shoulders, her eyes half-closed in sleep.
Tanya stood up on wobbly legs and pulled her baby onto her chest. "Oh, baby, I have missed you."
Verushka leaned her head back and stared at Tanya, blinking several times in confusion before leaning down and nestling into the hollow of Tanya's neck.
"I'll make tea." Vera scurried off to the kitchen and Tanya sank down onto the couch cushions. If only this moment was happy. It should have been happy. She reached up and stroked Verushka's hair and felt the baby's shoulder's relax. Within a few minutes, Verushka's breathing grew rhythmic. She was back asleep.
"Feodora was…she was the first friend I've ever had. The first real friend, at least." Agripina's squeaky voice broke Tanya's reverie.
”Mine, too. She was the only person who ever was there for me." Tanya gazed at the spot on the couch where Feodora usually sat and allowed another moan to escape her lips. How could she survive now that Feodora—her best friend—was gone?
Vera came into the room and set the tea tray on the coffee table. She joined them on the couch, gently stroking their backs as the three of them grieved for their lost friend, for their lost hope.
Tanya was tired of being strong, tired of suffering while life seemed to trample her.
"At least…she knew Jesus." Agripina said softly.
Vera's gaze shot up. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, we talked. Feodora and I. And she realized that she had been running away from God for a long time. She prayed and asked for His forgiveness and, well…she was different at the end. Just different."
"Praise God." Vera clapped, tears shimmering in her eyes as if her grief was mixed with joy.
Tanya stared at her foot, not wanting to listen to the hopeful words that her friends spoke. There was nothing to praise anyone about right now. Not when Feodora was dead.
Vera put a kind hand on her leg and squeezed hard. "I know you loved her, Tanya. And you were a great friend to her. And while there is nothing I can say to ease the pain of your loss right now, I will be praying."
Tanya shook her head slowly. Prayer wouldn't help. Nothing would now.
"I'd better…get home." Agripina stood, the pained smile on her face doing little to mask her grief.
"Oh, no, my dear. You can't go out by yourself right now, not on a night like tonight." Vera crossed her arms over her chest.
"She's right, Agripina. It's not safe out there. You have to stay here tonight and we'll walk you home in the morning."
Vera rubbed her hand over her shoulder as she wiped her cheek.
"Ga goo ba!" Verushka woke up and leaned back, cooing in her lap.
"Oh, Vera! Listen to her!"
"I know. Isn't it adorable? She's been babbling like that for a few weeks now. Oh, you should've heard her when we were at the grocers last week, she was putting on quite a show." Vera's mouth thinned into a straight line. "I'm sorry Tanya…I don't mean to go on and on about all you've missed."
"No, it's all right. I want to hear it. Every detail."
Verushka cooed some more and then pointed a pudgy fist towards the kitchen. "I think she's hungry."
"Let me get her a bottle, Tanya, so you can get cleaned up."
"No, I want to feed her." For the first time since she’d arrived home, Tanya felt sure of something. She hugged Verushka closely and showered her with another round of kisses. "I don't want to miss another minute with this little one."
"All right, there's a bit more powdered milk in the walk-in. Only a few days’ worth but you can take the rest."
A few days’ worth?
"While you're in there, I'll go heat up some water so you and Agripina can get cleaned up." Vera's brave face was pale and drawn, as if trying to distract herself from her own pain.
Tanya understood the feeling. "I'll be out in a bit." Tanya bit back a sob, hoping she could make it until Veruskha's bedtime without another quivering meltdown. She walked into the kitchen, inhaling the familiar scent of her baby. "I've missed you so much, little one. I wish I still had milk so I could nurse you."
Luga had not only stolen her best friend and her time, but also her ability to nurse her child.
Verushka didn't seem to care, though. She seemed perfectly happy to drink powdered milk from a tin cup. Tanya sat the baby on her lap and closed her eyes, allowing her tiny daughter to comfort her in a way no one else could.
If anyone could soften the blow of losing her best friend, it wasn't the God Who had abandoned her right when she needed Him most.
No. It was Verushka, the tiny baby who seemed to be her one and only bright spot in a dark world.
48
Leningrad, Russia
"Tanya, I know you don't want to think about this, but, well, here." Vera shoved the Leningradskaya Pravda in front of her.
She squinted, trying to focus on the tiny print. "What is it, Vera?"
"They're asking parents to voluntarily send all children under ten on trains to the Urals where they'll be met by local families who will take care of them until the city is safe again."
"To the Urals?"
"Yes, I guess they figure if the Nazis make it to Siberia, then we're really in trouble."
"Who would want Siberia anyway?" Tanya laughed, the smile feeling strange on her face.
"So, what do you think about sending Verushka?" Vera's voice was tentative.
"There's no way I could. Never!" Tanya looked up, trying to read Vera's thoughts.
"I don't know, Tanya. I want to keep Verushka safe, but I also can't imagine she'd be safer away from her mama than she would way out in Siberia."
"I don't think I can do it. Be without her again."
"I’m not sure I could…say goodbye to her either," Vera said. "Plus, we should be fairly safe here. Smolny is miles away and that's the Nazis primary target. Why would they bomb a tiny street in the Vyborg Quarter?"
"My thoughts exactly," Tanya said, snuggling her baby close and kissing her head. "I just couldn't bear to be away from you again, baby girl!" Tanya settled back onto the couch, the newspaper still on her lap. Rubbing the baby's back, she quickly scanned the headlines, trying to distract herself from thoughts of Feodora.
It didn't work. Stories of air raids and strafing attacks and Nazi victories filled the pages, making Tanya ache with dread and fear.
"Last week the papers were espousing the strength of the Red Army. Now it looks as if they're trying to scare us."
"I have a feeling they are trying to be realistic. Make sure that everyone knows that action now is our only hope. Plus, everyone has heard stories from Luga."
At the mention of Luga, Tanya bit her lip.
Would she ever hear that word again without crying?
"Tanya…" Vera sat next to her, taking the baby and kissing her nose. "Why don't you head over to Agripina's this afternoon and talk? She was ther
e and is probably feeling much like you are right now."
"Do you think it’s safe?"
"Yes, just stay away from Smolny and you should be fine." Vera's eyes were distant too, as though she was doing her best to be strong, knowing if she broke down, they'd both break.
"I'd love to see Agripina." Tanya stood and took a deep breath. She slipped on her shawl. "I'll be home later. Thank you."
Stepping out into the bright sunshine, she blinked to get her bearings before heading toward the University quarter. Nothing looked the same. It was as if the city had been transformed overnight from a state of quiet trepidation to a war zone.
Sandbags lined the streets, piled up under shop windows that were crisscrossed with paper strips and newspapers in an effort to keep them from shattering in the event of an air raid. Parks contained huge guns, manned by men wearing red Volunteer Corps armbands. Every street light and wall in the city seemed to be plastered with posters calling on the citizens of Leningrad to volunteer.
"I've already done that," Tanya mumbled. "A lot of good it did too." Lumbering forward, one step in front of the other, Tanya did her best to ignore the guns and the signs and the terrified looking men who hauled furniture and scraps of metal to various anti-tank embankments around the city. "One, two, three..." Tanya counted her steps, knowing if she stopped to look, she'd dissolve into a mess of tears and grief. "Just keep walking."
The rumble of planes broke her concentration and instinctively, Tanya covered her head and ducked behind a pile of sandbags. Were they bombing Leningrad today? She scanned the street and considered making a run to an alleyway about one hundred yards ahead. But that would put her in the wide open street for several seconds.
Right where Feodora had…
No. She couldn't think of Feodora right now.
She closed her eyes and covered her head with her arms, bracing as the roar of the plane's engines grew louder. But the familiar thud of bombs never came. Instead, she felt the pitter-patter of paper falling on her back as thousands of tiny leaflets rained down on the streets around her.
Snatching one up, she read the roughly printed words carefully.
If you think you can defend Leningrad, you are mistaken! Surrender now to German troops and you will survive, but oppose the great German army and you will be destroyed in a hurricane of German bombs and shells.
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