"No! I did nothing other than ask if he wanted to get married this fall."
"That wouldn't have scared him off. All he talks about in our letters is coming home to marry you."
Anna let out a small moan. This wasn't going well at all.
"No, this can't be. We need to write him and ask him what's happening before you leave. He wouldn't ever break it off with you like that." Mrs. Ranta set her jaw with determination.
"It's too late." Anna clenched her teeth.
"So you’re leaving with no consideration for how it would make him feel? Of the danger this could put him in?" Mrs. Ranta had tears in her eyes.
Her throat tightened. Henrick had died after reading her letter and now Mrs. Ranta acted as though she was doing the same thing to Matti. But this was different. Matti had broken up with her.
"My mind is made up." She tried her best to keep her face neutral.
All four adults in the room paled.
"Now that things have settled into a routine, you'll be fine without me," Anna continued, desperately trying to fill the silence. "I'll write, of course."
Her father looked at her intently. "Is there anything we can say to change your mind, Anna?"
Anna shook her head firmly.
She was being honest. There was only one person who could change her mind, and he had already told her he didn't want anything to do with her.
55
Leningrad, Russia
"Here, eat." Tanya handed a piece of stale bread to Verushka. The baby reached out toward the bread, fumbling to grasp it in her mittened hand. She clutched and devoured it rapidly, not pausing to chew. "Slow down, baby girl. Here, have some water to wash it down."
Verushka ignored the cup of icy water Tanya offered and instead grabbed another chunk of bread from her hand and stuffed it into her mouth.
"Poor baby, you're so hungry." Tanya wished she had more bread to give her daughter. Their daily ration of 250 grams wasn't enough for anyone to survive on, especially since the bread was made with more sawdust than flour. At least it tasted like it was.
Even with Tanya and Vera both giving Veruskha half of their own daily rations, the baby was still starving.
A moan rose from the other room. Tanya looked over her shoulder toward Vera. The poor woman had grown weaker and weaker as the weeks of the siege passed, and now, she could hardly get out of her chair in the living room.
Tanya stood up and grabbed the wall for balance. She made her way over to her friend. "Vera? Are you all right? Can I bring you some water?"
Vera opened her blue eyes and blinked in confusion. This wasn't good. She didn't recognize her.
"Here Vera, have some water." Tanya held a tin cup to her lips and tried to force liquid through them. Vera moaned, the water dribbling down her chin. "That's it. I'm going for help."
Vera moaned again, not seeming to comprehend Tanya's words.
She had to do something. Or else they would all die. Tucking another wool afghan around the old woman's body, Tanya stood quickly and waited for a wave of dizziness to pass. She went back into the kitchen and grabbed Verushka. "Come on, love, let's go see Miss Agripina." Tanya wrapped the baby tightly against her in an effort to block out the cold and steadied herself against the wall, hoping she had the strength to walk the two kilometers to Agripina's house.
She stepped outside and sucked in a deep breath, the cold stinging her insides. It was hardly any colder out here than inside, really. The walls only served to block out the wind.
Tanya set off down the street, doing her best to avoid staring at the gaunt faces of the people passing her. The townspeople trudged along, their looks of desperation mirroring her own. Up ahead, a man lay face down in the street. Tanya wasn't sure if he was dead or just resting, but she didn't have the energy to check. What could she do about it anyway?
Snuggling Verushka close, she focused on the road ahead, willing herself to take another step forward. She stumbled and almost dropped Verushka as her knees buckled beneath her.
She made her way to a wrought iron park bench to rest. Closing her eyes, she pulled Verushka close and tried to catch her breath.
After twenty minutes of rest, she felt strong enough to make the trek. Pulling the baby into the crook of her arm, she walked slowly, hoping to make it without another stop.
It took her more than half an hour, but she finally arrived on Agripina's stoop, cold and weak…but alive.
She raised her fist to the door and tapped with as much strength as she could muster.
Agripina answered. "Oh, Tanya!" She pulled her inside.
"Where's your maid?"
"She…passed away last week." A whimper escaped her lips as she said the words.
"Oh, Agripina, I'm so sorry."
Tears welled in her friend’s eyes. "Tanya, that's not all. Both of my parents died yesterday. There just wasn’t enough food."
Tanya's stomach tightened in guilt and she moaned audibly. She had taken their last can of sausages for her daughter. She had killed Agripina's parents. "Oh, Agripina, I'm so sorry. I should have never taken your food."
"No," Agripina shook her head firmly. "It's not that. There isn't food in the city. No one in Leningrad will survive this if it lasts much longer."
"Do you have any food for yourself?" Tanya studied Agripina’s emaciated form.
"I'm doing better than most. I am young and strong and I'm doing all right on my daily rations."
"Oh, Agripina, no one can survive on those."
"Maybe I can. If the Germans invade soon, I can hold out."
"Can you come home with me? We can work together to try to find something to eat?"
Agripina hesitated as though considering Tanya's offer. "I can't leave my parents’ house. It was my grandparents’ house, and my father has always worked hard to keep it in my family. Even after he lost his job at the university, he worked hard to keep the house up. I can't bear the thought of someone assuming it's abandoned when the Germans invade."
Tanya pulled her friend into a tight hug, realizing desperation was felt around the city.
"So you're sure you can't leave?"
"I’ll wait and pray. I just have a feeling God is telling me to stay for now."
Tanya nodded. She had to get back. "Promise to come see us as soon as this siege is over?" Tanya started toward the door.
"Tanya?" Agripina's eyes betrayed her anguish. "You walked all the way over here. Do you have the energy to make it back with the baby in your arms?"
"I have to try."
"Here, take my ration for today. Eat it so I know you'll be all right." Agripina walked to the kitchen and returned holding a small square of bread.
"Oh, no, I can't do that, Agripina."
"How about half? If you don't make it back, Verushka won’t either."
Her friend was tossing her a lifeline.
If only God would do the same.
56
Leningrad, Russia
Tanya nearly fell into the house.
She set a wailing Verushka on the floor and walked over to Vera. "I'm back."
Vera didn't move.
"Vera?" Tanya shook her shoulder gently. "Vera!"
Verushka wailed louder.
"Vera! I'll get you some water." Tanya rushed to the kitchen, ignoring the baby's cries. Racing back into the room, Tanya shoved the glass of water to her friend's lips and poured it into her mouth. But it only dribbled off of her chin. "Vera, please wake up."
Tanya shook her shoulder again, felt Vera’s neck for a pulse, and willed herself not to sink into a puddle of despair.
Vera was gone.
~*~
She had been much smarter this time and brought the pram. At least she didn't have to worry about dropping the baby.
They had set off hours before dawn on a journey strangely reminiscent of the early morning walk Tanya took that fateful morning over a year ago after Nicolai died. Empty streets.An empty heart. And an unwavering desire to complete her m
ission regardless of what made sense. Or what seemed right.
Tanya had finally reached her end.
Yesterday, after Vera died, she briefly considered trying to borrow her ration card to get more bread. But then she remembered what had happened last week when a woman showed up at the kiosk to collect her dead husband's ration, only to be arrested by the Leningrad police. There was a food shortage and they took cheating seriously.
Instead, Tanya combed Vera's hair and dressed her in her best dress. With a kiss, she set her out on their front stoop in a pile of snow, wishing she could honor the dear woman with a decent burial or a service. But there was nothing she could do.
So she cried for everything lost and everything still to lose. Hours later, the tears hadn't stopped. This, right here, might be her end. And she was all right with that—she didn't want to live in this world anymore anyway.
But Verushka…Verushka deserved a chance.
It was then, in the wee hours of a forlorn night, that Tanya devised her desperate plan.
She layered every article of clothing she owned onto Verushka's trembling form before piling her into her bassinet and layering on blankets. Not that it would help. The entire city was an ice-covered graveyard.
She set off after midnight, heading due north on quiet streets. A few hours later, she trekked onward, navigating her way more by sound than by sight. Weak with hunger and exhaustion, she willed herself to keep walking, knowing that any misstep or hesitation could mean death for both her and Verushka.
Did she have the strength to walk all twenty kilometers?
Did she have a choice?
Verushka woke and started to cry, her cold and hungry wails breaking the early morning silence.
"Shh, shhh. It's all right, little one! I'll get you some food." Tanya tightened the blanket around Verushka, tucking her snug with a hand-knitted quilt, hoping that maybe she would fall back asleep. She stuck her finger into Verushka's mouth and the baby suckled hungrily before realizing Tanya had nothing to offer.
They trudged on, mama and babe, step after step, until she reached the outskirts of the city. Continuing northward, she stopped at an intersection and looked both ways, trying to figure out which way to go. She risked standing under a streetlight for long enough to pull out Vera’s compass. She calculated due north. Then she tightened the scarf around her head and hoped it would keep her hair in place before plodding on.
She needed to look presentable when she arrived. Trudging forward, she reminded herself that if she didn't make it up to the Finnish lines before daylight, she'd have to stop and rest for the day. She'd heard German soldiers were shooting anyone outside of the city limits on sight, so she couldn't risk being spotted by a patrol.
A wave of determination passed through her and she quickened her pace. Today she would have bread. Either that or she would be dead.
"Just keep walking," she whispered, her breath coming out in a puff of fog in the cold early morning air.
As the kilometers passed, Tanya allowed her mind to go numb. With each step, her mind repeated a constant track of "keep walking, keep walking, keep walking." Her steps only slowed every half hour or so when she reached down and felt Verushka's pulse. Still breathing.
"Thank goodness," Tanya said out loud. "Come on, baby girl. Hang in there."
Three hours later, the sun rose over the edge of the horizon and Tanya had stumbled her way almost twenty kilometers to the edge of the massive birch forest that sat on the edge of the border town of Kirjasalo. There, she hoped she'd find a desperate Finn soldier who was willing to trade…well, whatever it took.
She ducked behind a tree and sank to the ground in exhaustion. Looking around, she saw no signs of life. Her back was still exposed to the south. She forced herself to stand one more time.
With a weak breath, she checked on Verushka. She was still sleeping, probably too weak to even cry about the hunger pains. "Hang on, baby. I'm getting you help."
Making her way deeper into the forest, Tanya pushed the pram over rocky ledges and tangled vines until her legs trembled with exhaustion. Finally, she spotted a cluster of boulders and edged the carriage into a corner where she hoped it was adequately hidden.
She could no longer stay awake.
57
Kirjasalo, Karelia
"Wait up!" Takala jogged up to Matti and Käärme as they strapped their rifles onto their backs for their early morning patrol. "I'll go with you this morning, Ranta. Käärme, you just earned yourself the morning off. I can't sleep and I need to get out of that tent."
"As you wish, boss." Käärme clapped his hand across Takala's back. "Thanks.”
"You owe me."
"Yes, sir." Käärme headed back to his tent and the two men set off due south, carefully making their way down a worn path through towering white birch trees as the sun started to rise.
"Brrrr! It's cold." Takala wrapped his parka tightly around his shoulders and shivered.
"Usually we have snow by this time of year," Matti explained. "Maybe soon we'll be able to do ski patrols."
They walked on in silence, each carefully observing the edges of the road to look for something out of the ordinary. But everything was calm. Peaceful, even.
Takala waved his hand toward a huge stack of moss covered rocks that were clustered on a hillside. "Just look over there…the green of the moss covering the towering trees. It's like a picture from a Christmas card."
Matti looked up at the evergreen trees that formed an emerald green canopy over their head and smiled slightly. "Home sweet Karelian home."
Takala put his hand over his eyes and looked out into the forest, pointing out a white speck from behind the boulders. "What is that?"
"I don't see anything." Matti squinted.
"Right over there." Takala pointed again toward the cluster of rocks, already reaching for his rifle.
Matti looked closely. There was something white behind those rocks—maybe an old shirt someone had left out there or something. He put his finger to his lips and gazed toward the rocks. "I'll check."
"I'll come too."
The two men crept off the path, silently making their way through the thick underbrush, doing their best not to make a sound. Creeping around the biggest boulder, Matti peered around the rocks. Was that a wheel?
"It's a baby carriage," he whispered to Takala, gripping his rifle to his chest as he crept closer.
Takala reached the carriage first and peered inside, his eyes immediately growing wide. "There's a baby in it!"
Matti threw his rifle down and ran toward the carriage, reaching down to grab the tiny child wrapped tightly in pink blankets. She was warm. He fumbled through her blankets to find her pulse. "She's alive."
Turning to search the area, Matti scoured the rocks for any sign of the baby's mother…there! Matti spotted her next to a cluster of three boulders. He ran over to her. "Ma'am!Ma'am?"
"откуда Вы приехали?" The woman looked up at them with wild eyes, frantically scrambling to her feet.
"Russian. She's speaking Russian!" Matti's face twisted into a frown. There shouldn't be any Russians out here in the military zone.
"I know a little Russian." Takala leaned in closer.
"I do too," Matti whispered as he leaned in and did his best to prop up the woman. "I grew up near the border so I learned it in school."
Takala bent down eye level with the woman, gently reaching out to put his hand on her shoulder before asking her name.
"Tanya," came the whispered reply.
"What are you doing up here?" Matti asked softly, trying his best not to scare her.
She scooted into an upright position, her eyes showing clarity that they hadn't a few minutes earlier. "I-I'm from Leningrad. I'll do anything you want if you give me bread for my baby."
Matti's heart wrenched, compassion filling him as he saw the desperation in the woman's blue eyes. No one—not even a Russian prostitute—should have to watch her baby starve.
/> Takala looked frantically from Matti to the woman and back again, obviously torn as to what to do. "Our orders say that all Russians should be taken prisoner on sight."
"But she's starving. She needs our help. Who knows what they would do with a woman and a child in prison camps." Matti shook his head at his commander, praying that he would have some empathy.
"Go get our packs. Let's give her something to eat while I try to figure out what to do," Takala barked, his face taking on a hardness.
Matti ran off, returning a few moments later with two heavy packs.
"Ranta, we could get into a lot of trouble for this, you know," Takala said as he grabbed the pack.
"If we let an innocent child starve because we have orders...I couldn't forgive myself."
Takala frowned.
"Let's start by getting these two something to eat." Matti pulled out a ration pack and tore it open, removing a small rye cracker and handing it to the woman.
She turned her head and clamped her mouth shut.
"Why is she doing that?" Takala asked.
"The baby," Tanya whispered.
"Go get the baby. We have to feed her first."
Matti ran to the pram and gently scooped up the tiny baby, who remained asleep, even through all the yelling. "Do we have any milk? Something a baby could eat?"
Matti dug frantically in his bag. "No. No milk. Tanya, is your baby able to eat some hard tack?"
Tanya shifted, trying to pull her body further into a sitting position, her eyes cloudy.
"Try to wake her up." Takala gently took the baby from Matti, cradling her in his arms and stroking her face.
The baby's soft cry echoed through the rocks. Takala held the cracker and put it in the baby's mouth. She devoured it and instantly reached for another.
"Now will you eat?" Matti said to Tanya in Russian. "We have enough for you too."
But the woman just shook her head.
"What's the baby's name?" Matti asked.
"Vera," Tanya whimpered weakly. "We…call her Verushka."
"And how old is she?"
"She's...ten months old. Born…January twenty first." Tanya's words came in wisps, barely audible in the early morning silence.
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