“What about the one where they’re already dead?” I interrupted.
He blew out a breath before speaking again. “Ryan, I wish I had more for you and I swear I’ll keep you up to date, but the longer I stay on the phone with you, the less I’m working on getting back to them.”
“Fine, just call me back when you know something.”
That night was one of the longest in my life. When Cassie died, it was sudden and I knew she was gone. This waiting around to find out was worse. My mind wouldn’t shut off and the panic that was building inside was almost more than I could take.
In the morning, I still hadn’t heard anything and I didn’t have a clue what to do. I couldn’t sit around the house all day. I would go crazy. Besides, James was out of school for the summer and I didn’t want to worry him with my pacing. I shot off a quick text to Sebastian, asking if he had heard anything yet. When he said no, I knew I had to keep moving with my day. I got ready for work and told James that he wasn’t allowed to go anywhere today. He didn’t have his license yet and I didn’t want him getting in any vehicles with any friends. I may not be able to protect him forever, but for today, I could make sure that he stayed alive.
Walking into the office, I ignored everyone that came my way. I had to focus on one thing at a time or I would lose my shit. First thing to do was check my email, but even that was a shitshow. I could hardly respond without checking my phone to make sure Sebastian hadn’t called and I missed it. By the time an hour had passed, I had to get out of there. Staying at work wouldn’t do me any good.
I stormed out of my office, just barely avoiding running into my secretary. She looked at me like I was crazy, and maybe I was. I felt like I was about to lose my mind. Logan kept calling my phone, but I didn’t bother to answer. Anything he had to say could wait. This was fucking ridiculous. This was the second time that I was losing my shit and walking away from work over a woman. How much more of this could I really take?
My phone rang just before I started to head home, and when I saw it was Sebastian, I practically dropped the phone because I was rushing to answer.
“Sebastian, what’s going on? Have you heard from them?”
“We’ve heard from them. Becky is tracking them now.”
“Thank God. They’re okay?”
“As far as we know. They had to go offline for safety reasons, but we’ve talked to Derek briefly and he said that they’re coming in now. They should be here by tomorrow.”
“What time? I’ll be there.”
“No,” he said firmly. “Just wait until I call you. I need to debrief the team and I can’t have you here before then. There’s a protocol we follow here.”
“You want me to just sit on my fucking hands for another day?”
“Yeah, Ryan. That’s what I need you to do,” he sighed. I could tell he was fucking exhausted, but I was pissed. I wanted to see her with my own eyes. I needed to hold her and know that she was okay. But Sebastian wouldn’t let me in if he was this adamant.
“Fine. Just, text me when she gets there and let me know she’s okay.”
“I will.” He hung up and I felt the pressure that was building inside about to snap. My control was shot and I was two seconds from crying my fucking eyes out. I gripped onto my hair and pulled until the pain was a welcome feeling. I couldn’t lose my shit now. I had a son to take care of and Lola was fine. Falling apart right now wouldn’t do anything for James and I and it wouldn’t change the fact that Lola’s job was more than I could take.
I drove home in a daze and when I walked in the door, James could tell that something was going on because he just stared at me, waiting for me to answer. I stared at my feet, trying to figure out what the hell to say other than I was extremely pissed and on the verge of insanity.
“Sebastian said her team checked in,” I finally said.
“Good. So, she’s okay?”
“As far as he knows. Derek called in and he didn’t say anything about anyone being injured.”
“That’s good,” he nodded. I didn’t answer. I didn’t know what to say or what I was thinking. I just knew that my head was a mess and I needed something to take away the feeling of being strangled from the inside out.
“Well, I’m gonna go read,” James said as he walked upstairs. I nodded and went to the fridge for a beer. As I stood there, I became more and more angry, but I wasn’t sure what my anger was directed at. I wanted to say it was at Lola for putting me in this position to care about her and then go off and almost get herself killed, but that wasn’t fair. This was her job and I had to accept that or move on.
I stared out into the night for a long time until I heard James enter the room behind me. “I’m going to bed now.”
“Okay,” I said as I stared out the window.
“You know, you could have talked to me about this. I know why you thought you had to protect me, but I’m not a kid anymore. I haven’t been for a long time.”
He turned and walked out of the room before I could say anything. I rested my forehead against the window and let my eyes slip closed. I had screwed up big time with him. Cassie would be so disappointed in me. She would have wanted me to be the man that I was when she was alive. The man that told our son the truth no matter how difficult it was. And to some extent I had done that, but in many ways, I had shielded him so that he would never be hurt again.
I trudged off to my bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. I thought about going to sleep, but the longer I sat there, the more that one thing became very clear to me. I wasn’t cut out to do this shit again. I needed stability and something that I didn’t have to worry about vanishing in the blink of an eye. And while there were no guarantees in life, Lola’s job made her life expectancy that much shorter. No matter how much I was falling for her, I just knew in my heart that this wouldn’t work out between us.
✯✯✯✯✯
I opened the door two days later to Lola standing on my steps, grinning like crazy. Normally, a smile like that would brighten my mood and I’d be pulling her into my arms. That wasn’t going to happen this morning.
“Hey,” she said with a little less confidence when I didn’t return her smile.
“Hi. When did you get in?”
“A few hours ago. Sebastian said you were kind of freaking out, so I figured I’d better come over.” She looked past me and I motioned for her to come in. “Where’s James?”
“Probably still sleeping.”
“Look, Sebastian said that you were worried.”
“Yeah,” I said, scrubbing a hand over my face. “It’s been a rough few days.”
“Oh, well, it was a little touch and go there for a while, but it all worked out okay. If the client hadn’t lied to us-”
“I can’t do this,” I interrupted. The light in her eyes fell and I hated that I was about to do this to both of us. “I don’t see how this is going to work out between us.” I ran a hand along the back of my neck and sighed. “I’m sorry, but you love your job and I’m glad it’s going well for you, but I have a son to think about.”
I shook my head and laughed humorlessly. “No. That’s not even it. James would probably be fine, but I wouldn’t be. I can’t handle the not knowing. It was fine at first because you weren’t actually working out of town and then nothing happened on the other jobs, but then this time, when I heard that your team was missing…” I huffed out a laugh and looked away for a second. “I thought you were dead and my first thought was that I didn’t know how I was going to survive losing another person.”
“Ryan, I’m good at my job. I know what I’m doing and my team always has my back,” she said, almost like a plea.
“I know, but that won’t stop me from worrying.”
“So, what? I’m supposed to have some boring job and work around here so that you always know I’m safe? That didn’t do much for your wife.” My heart clutched at her words and I swore it stopped beating for a second, but then remorse filled her eyes. “I’m so
rry. I didn’t mean it to come out like that.”
“No, you’re right. I know you weren’t trying to be hurtful. And Cassie would want me to be happy, but I just can’t do it. I can’t stay with you and pretend that I’m okay with you putting your life in danger every time you have a job.”
“And I can’t walk away from my job because you can’t handle the pressure.”
“I know,” I said softly. “And I would never ask you to. I know that you love your job and I know that working in an office would bore you to death. That’s why I didn’t even consider asking you. This just wasn’t meant to be, Lola. I’ve had such a great time with you and you’ve healed me so much. But if I stay with you, I’ll break again.”
“Okay,” she said in quiet resignation as she walked toward me. She placed her hand on my cheek and leaned forward, kissing me softly on the lips. I felt a tear roll down my cheek and it didn’t escape my notice that she was more like the man in this relationship and I was the chick crying over the woman that was slipping through my fingers. “You know, you helped me too, and I’ll never forget that.”
She turned and walked out of the house, leaving me with a gaping hole in my heart. It felt so much like when Cassie was gone. The difference was, even though Lola was no longer going to be a part of my life, at least I knew she was alive.
✯✯✯✯✯
“So, that’s it?” James asked after I told him about Lola and I later that day. “You’re just walking away because you don’t like her job?”
“I’m walking away because I have to.”
“Bullshit.”
“Hey-”
“No, you listen to me now. Mom would be so disappointed in how you’re hiding from life. She would have wanted you to be happy and you’re hiding behind your fear.”
“You know, she hid from me for two fucking years. Don’t lecture me on what your mother would think. I know that she wants me to be happy, but I won’t be happy in this relationship.”
“How do you know? You’re giving up before you really gave it a chance.”
“Did you see how I was the other night?” He nodded. “That was when I was just worried that she was missing. Now imagine that I had gotten news that she was hurt or dead? How do you think I would have acted last night? Do you want to see me crying on the ground beside her grave like I did with your mom? Because that’s what would happen to me. And I’m telling you that I can’t fucking deal with that.”
“Do you really think that you’re going to stop loving her just because you broke up with her?” he shouted.
“I never said I loved her.”
“I see the way you look at her,” he scoffed. “It was the same way you used to look at Mom. So, you’re going to continue to love her even though you’re broken up, but that’s not going to change whether she lives or dies!”
“James, you need to back off right now.”
There was so much anger brewing inside me and I didn’t know how long I would be able to keep it all bottled up. I had never been a violent man, but these past five years had messed me up so much that I didn’t recognize myself anymore.
“No. I’ve stayed out of your way for too long, tiptoeing around your feelings. I’ve seen you fall apart more times than you think and I’m not going to watch you fall back into that hole you called a life just because you think I’m too young to understand. You’re running away. You’re a fucking coward.”
I lost it and punched him in the jaw, watching as he fell to the ground and blood dripped from his mouth.
“Ryan!”
The world seemed to slow down all around me. I was losing my fucking mind. I had just punched my kid. I had done something that no parent should ever do, no matter what the reason. I blinked slowly, thinking maybe this was all a dream that I would wake up from, but when I opened my eyes, my son was still on the floor and my hand was still aching from hitting his face.
My gaze slowly swiveled to the door where Sebastian had just pushed through and was charging toward me. I didn’t even fight it. Whatever he did to me, I deserved. When his body hit mine, I flew backwards into the arm of the chair and crashed to the ground. Sebastian’s fist hit me several times in the face and I didn’t try to defend myself. I just took the pain and relished in him giving me a beating I deserved.
“Stop!” James pulled Sebastian off me and shoved him to the side. His chest was heaving and I could see the concern on his face for me, even though one eye was already starting to swell shut.
“You never put your hands on your kid again,” Sebastian growled at me. “You do that again and I’ll put you in the ground beside Cassie. You understand me?”
I nodded, knowing that he meant every word of what he said. I looked to James, but I didn’t have a clue what to say. “I’m sorry” wasn’t a good enough apology for what I had put this kid through the last five years. There was nothing I could do or say that could make any of this right.
“Maybe you should go stay with your grandparents,” I said as tears filled my eyes. God, I didn’t want him to go, but what I had just done was so reprehensible. I shouldn’t be allowed to have him with me anymore. What was the judge thinking, giving me custody of him? I had vowed to protect and love him and I had just hit my own kid.
“No,” he said firmly. “You don’t get to do that anymore. You don’t get to send me away when you can’t deal with your life. We’re going to sit down and talk about this like we should have been doing for the past five years.”
“James, I think he’s right. I think you should go.”
“I didn’t ask you,” he said to Sebastian. Man, this kid had some brass balls. He had grown up so much and I had totally missed it. In some ways, he was so much wiser than me. He could read every emotion I had and knew that I was drowning, but then there were things that he had yet to experience in life, like love, that still made me see him as the little ten year old boy I first met. How had I missed all that?
“If you want to stay, then we’ll sit down and talk, but Sebastian or one of the other guys will be here.”
“I trust you, Dad. I pushed you and I knew I was doing it. I just wanted you to talk to me.”
“That’s still no excuse for what I did.” I turned to Sebastian. “Will you stay?”
He was still in a rage and I knew he didn’t really want James and I to sit down and talk. He wanted to take him away from me right now, and I wouldn’t blame him. But for James, I would do this.
“I’ll be in the kitchen,” Sebastian said as he turned and walked out of the room.
James took a seat on the couch and I took one in the chair across from him. There was no way I was sitting too close to him. We sat there for a few minutes and I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what he wanted to talk about. What more was left to say? That I was a shit parent? I already knew that.
“So, are you going to send me away again?” James questioned.
“I don’t know what you want me to do. James, I’m failing at this parenting thing big time.”
“You’re not failing at it. You’ve pushed me away, but I get it. I know why you don’t want me around, but-”
“I never said that I didn’t want you around. I just didn’t want you to see the worst of me.”
“But the only reason that you’re like that is because Mom’s gone. You weren’t like this before she died.”
“That’s no excuse for how I’ve been acting.”
“I’m just saying that it happened to both of us. Just stop acting like I can’t handle it. You were the one that told Mom she had to stop treating me like I was a kid, but then you started doing the same thing. I may not understand all of it, but you could at least try and explain it to me. Like this stuff with Lola, if you didn’t like her or something, I could understand you walking away, but to me, it just looks like you’re running.”
“James, relationships are hard work and one of the most important things in a relationship is that both people are happy. Lola loves what she’s d
oing and I hate it. I’m not going to ask her to give up a part of what she loves just to make me happy. That wouldn’t be fair to her, but it’s not fair to me to stay in a relationship where I know I can’t deal with her job. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah,” he said reluctantly. “It just feels like this is out of nowhere.”
“Well, this is the first time that it really hit me how dangerous her job is.”
“So, then it’s over.”
“Yeah. I know you liked her and I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”
“I did like her, but what I liked most was that she made you happy again. I was just happy that you didn’t look so sad all the time.”
“You know, it won’t always be this way. Now that I know what an ass I’ve been, I promise, I’ll make sure things change. I mean, if you still want to stay with me.”
He snorted and shook his head. “Dad, we had an argument. We worked it out. Let’s just leave it at that.”
✯✯✯✯✯
“Man, you look like shit this morning. Rough weekend?” Logan asked as he walked into my office. “Stay up too late with Lola?” he grinned, waggling his eyebrows.
“Lola and I broke up,” I admitted, not really wanting to talk about this.
“Whoa, why?”
“I couldn’t handle her job. She was out on a job and Sebastian couldn’t get ahold of them. I guess they had an issue and…I don’t know what the fuck happened, but I spent Friday night worrying about her and it turned out everything was fine.”
“Okay, so if she was fine, then why did you break up with her?”
“Because I was freaking out all night. I just knew that I couldn’t handle it if something happened to her.”
“So, you just ended it? That doesn’t mean that she’ll be safe. I thought you were falling for her?”
“Look, I’ve already been through all this. I really don’t want to rehash it right now.”
“But, you’re just giving up on something that could be great.”
Lola: A Reed Security Romance (Reed Security Series Book 8) Page 18