My heart was breaking and I didn’t think I would ever have to feel that. I wasn’t this woman that fell in love and gave up my life for a man. Yet here I was, ready to beg this man for just an ounce of his love. For him to tell me that he wanted me as much as I wanted him, but that wasn’t going to happen. He was too broken to truly move on and I wasn’t enough to make him try.
I stood, not able to say anything else and walked out of his office, dejected and alone. There would be no happy ending to all this. I wouldn’t be giving up my job in exchange for something better. I was destined to be sad and alone.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Ryan
“HEY, MAN. I just saw Lola leave. You guys back together?” Logan asked.
“No.”
“Then why was she here?”
“She was here to tell me that she wanted me back,” I said with little emotion. I couldn’t afford to let myself think about it too much. I had made my decision. “She said she was leaving her job.”
“And that’s a problem why?” he asked in confusion.
“Because I don’t want to be with her. I’ve got too much shit going on with James and I still fucking think about Cassie all the time. It’s just too much. I’m not ready.”
“Bullshit.”
I looked up at him and raised an eyebrow. “You want to run that by me again?”
A knock at the door had me groaning. Sebastian was standing at the door grinning at me.
“Can I help you?”
“So, did Lola come see you yet?”
“She did, but it doesn’t change anything. We’re not getting back together.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Sebastian asked angrily.
“I’m talking about the fact that I don’t want to move on with her. It was nice while it lasted, but it’s over.”
“I call bullshit. I think you’re running because you’re scared. You broke up with her because you couldn’t handle her job. She left her job, that she loves, for you and you just told her to fuck off. You’re such a fucking dumbass,” Sebastian growled.
“This isn’t about being scared. This is about James and what’s best for him. I’ve been shoving him off on other people since Cassie died and I need to set things right with him. He needs to know that he’s my first priority and he hasn’t felt like that in a long time.”
“So, you set shit straight with him and get Lola back. He wants to see you happy. That’s what the kid needs. Do you really think that wandering around day in and day out, thinking about Cassie is making things better for him? He doesn’t need to know that you think about her every fucking minute of the day. He just needs to know that you won’t forget her. Moving on with Lola isn’t forgetting her.”
“Did I miss the memo?” Drew asked from the doorway. I groaned and rolled my eyes at the ceiling. “What’s going on? Why’s everyone gathering here?”
“Not everyone. There’s just the three of you,” I grumbled.
“Not for long. I just saw Sean downstairs. He said he was on his way up to see you guys. He was just finishing up a call,” Drew said.
“It’s about to get a lot more fucking crowded,” Sebastian said cryptically.
“Why’s that?” I asked.
“Because you dumbass, I thought you and Lola were getting back together. I called everyone to meet us so that we could take you out to celebrate.”
“You’re not getting back together?” Drew asked. “Why?”
“Because I don’t want to,” I shouted.
“Whoa, what’s all the yelling about?” Jack asked as he walked in with Cole behind him.
“This asshole isn’t getting back together with Lola,” Logan jerked his thumb at me.
“Then why are we here?” Jack asked. “I was in the middle of a job.”
“That’s a shame,” Cole shook his head. “She was fucking awesome.”
“Tell me about it. It was nice to finally see him happy instead of moping around all the time,” Sebastian added.
“I thought you guys were on my side. Did you really think that the first woman I came across after Cassie, I would fall in love with and spend my life with?”
“This isn’t some woman, you asshole,” Jack snapped. “This is Lola and we all saw what she did for you. She brought you out of your head and made you live.”
“Now, look what you’ve gone and done,” Logan shook his head.
“Who did what?” Sean asked.
“Jesus, can we just send out a memo so I don’t have to keep going over this shit with you guys?” I asked.
“What did I miss?” Sean asked.
“The dipshit turned Lola down after she gave up her job for him,” Sebastian informed him.
“What the fuck? Seriously? What the hell is wrong with you?”
“That’s what I was wondering. You should have seen her in my office this morning, steely determination to leave behind her job so that she could have the man she loved,” Sebastian said with a shake of his head. “There was no hesitation in her voice. She just wanted the asshole back and he spat in her face like she was nothing.”
“I did not. You weren’t in here. Look, you can throw whatever you want at me right now, but I’ve made up my mind and you can’t change it. This is the way it has to be.”
“No, this is the way you want it to be. Because as long as you can live in this world where you’re sad and lonely, you don’t have to worry about losing someone else. You don’t have to worry about getting hurt again. But Lola just walked away from everything for you. She fucking knew that it would kill you to watch her in the field all the time, wondering if she was safe,” Sebastian spat at me. “She didn’t even hesitate to tell me she was out. She wanted you more than anything else.”
“Until when? Until she got bored?”
“Did she say she wanted you?” Logan asked.
“Yes.”
“Did she tell you she had given up her job?” Jack asked.
“Yes.”
“Did she say she wanted James too?” Cole asked.
“Yes, but-”
“You screwed the pooch on this one, man. You really fucked up,” Drew shook his head. “Like, so completely fucked up that you won’t ever be able to walk this back.”
“I know exactly what I did.”
“Then you know that you just lost the one woman that was able to bring you back from the brink. You were fucking drowning and she saved your ass. None of us could do it. We watched for the last five years and you struggled to keep your head above water, wanting to help, but not knowing how,” Sean said. “When you find the love of a good woman like that, you don’t let it slip through your fingers. You hold on and thank your lucky stars that you got lucky twice in one lifetime to find a woman that could put up with you. Most people get one shot in life at true happiness. You just pissed all over it.”
What the fuck had I just done? I just told her I didn’t want her. For what? I knew I had some shit to work through with James first, but I could have told her that. I didn’t need to destroy her fucking heart. God, I was such a bastard. I was beyond a bastard. I must have lost my fucking mind. How was I ever going to get her back now?
“See? Now he gets it,” Logan pointed at me.
✯✯✯✯✯
School was just starting up again and I wanted to cram as much time in with James as I could before we both got too busy.
“What time am I going over to Grandma and Grandpa’s tomorrow?” James asked as he came downstairs.
“You’re not going this weekend,” I said, hoping he was okay with that. We were still on uneven ground after the last few weeks and I felt like such a fuckup.
“Why? Is something wrong?” He looked at me funny, like he was waiting for me to drop some bomb on him or something.
“No, I just feel like I’m always sending you away.”
“Well, you do,” he said bluntly.
“I know. I told myself that it was because they were your grandparents an
d you needed to spend time with them, but I was really hiding. I thought if I got that one night to myself that it wouldn’t hurt so much. That you wouldn’t remind me of your mom, but it didn’t really work. And then when I blew up at you, when I hit you…the only thing I could think was that you weren’t going to want to stay with me anymore. I’m so fucking scared that you’re going to go over to your grandparents house and then tell me that you don’t want to come back here and be with me anymore. And I keep thinking that all those times I sent you over there was time that I could have been doing shit with you. I’m so sorry that I’ve been pushing you away, but I’m hoping that we can spend some time together this weekend and just hang out.”
He turned his head from me and I didn’t miss how he swiped at one eye, but then he composed himself and gave me a strange look. “Dad, are you asking me out on a date?”
I laughed and shook my head. “You’ve been hanging out with my friends too much.”
“Just remember that you introduced me to them.”
“So, what do you want to do this weekend? You name it and we’ll do it.”
“Anything?”
“Anything.”
“Can we go on a road trip somewhere?”
“Sure. Where do you want to go?”
“Can we go to Gettysburg? I was reading this book about the Civil War and I thought it would be pretty cool to see that in person. You can get guided tours and they’ll tell you anything you want to know.”
“Yeah, we can do that.”
I smiled at the excitement on his face. Maybe I hadn’t totally fucked things up between us. Maybe this was just the beginning of a new relationship between us. What the hell was wrong with me? I was starting to sound like a girl even to myself.
“There’s one more thing I want.”
“Okay,” I said reluctantly.
“I want Lola to come with. She’s into all this shit and she was the one that actually got me hooked on this book. I think it’d be really cool for her to come with.”
God, I wanted that too, but after I just tore her down, how the hell was I supposed to get her back?
“James, I said some things. I don’t-”
“Dad, I know you love her. Just go tell her.”
“I don’t know that it’s that simple.”
“You won’t find out sitting around here. Now, go get her back so we can hit the road this afternoon.”
“You got it, little man,” I said with a grin. He gave me a devilish smile and walked out of the room. That kid was learning way too much from Logan.
Since James and I would be leaving after school today for this trip, I figured that I needed to talk with Lola as soon as possible. I called up to James to let him know I was leaving and told him to be careful driving. I would never be comfortable with him out on the road, but I was learning not to hover. I called Logan and shifted my morning around and then headed for Lola’s house. If I was going to convince her to come along with me, I was going to have to really finesse her.
When I pulled up, she was just walking out of the house and Hunter was with her. She stopped dead in her tracks and looked at me in surprise. Hunter glared at me like he was ready to snap my neck and I knew he could. He stepped in front of her and crossed his arms over his chest. Lola being Lola, shot him a dirty look and shoved him aside.
“What the fuck do you want, Jackson?”
So, we were using the whole last name thing. Got it. “Just came to talk to Lola,” I said calmly.
“She doesn’t want to talk to you.”
“I think I can answer that for myself,” Lola snapped. She turned to me and composed herself. “What’s up?”
“Can we talk for a few minutes?”
“Um, we were just on our way into work.” She stiffened and shoved her hands in her back pockets.
I tried not to look totally dejected, but I had seen this going a lot differently in my head. She would take one look at me and fall back into my arms. I would tell her that I loved her and ask her to come on the trip with us. Reality was a bitch. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to tell her so much, but Hunter was standing next to her like a bodyguard.
“I made a mistake,” I blurted out. “I was so fucking scared of losing you that I thought it was better to just not be with you. But I miss the smell of you. It’s weird, like gun oil and lavender or something. It’s really fucking strange and I never thought I would like that on a woman, but I like it on you. And I fucking hate your job. I hate the idea that you’re going out there and getting shot at or almost blown up, and I’m not there to protect you. Not that I really could protect you. I’d probably be crying in the corner like a fucking girl. Well, a different girl than you because you’re not scared of anything. And I’m not like the rest of my friends. I’m not as macho as them and I fucking cry a lot. Way more than any respectable man should. But when I’m with you, it doesn’t happen nearly as often because you just make everything better. And I prefer to sit at home and read with my kid than to go out and party. I don’t know if you’re up for that for the next few years or if you’ll be thinking that you’re missing out on life, but if that sounds like something you might like to be a part of, then I want you to come back with me. Come stay with me, for the night or stay for the whole fucking year, or the next ten years. I love you, Lola. I don’t want this to be over between us.”
She just stared at me for a moment, but Hunter crossed his arms over his chest and glared at me. “That was single-handedly the worst and best apology I’ve ever heard in my fucking life. You managed to insult her and compliment her all at the same time.”
“It was actually very…honest,” Lola smiled. “I like that you’re not as macho as your friends. I have enough testosterone to deal with at work. I don’t need to come home to it also. Except in the bedroom, which I already know we’re perfectly compatible. And I’ll gladly spend lazy days at home reading with you and James, as long as I can read Guns and Ammo. And once a month, I get to choose the movie, and if I choose Die Hard every month, you can’t complain.”
“I can deal with that,” I said around a throat full of tears. I swiped at my eyes, annoyed that I was once again crying.
“And one more thing.” I nodded. “I still want to work at Reed Security, even if I’m not in the field. It’s like a second home to me and I’m not ready to leave.”
“No,” I said suddenly at the same time Hunter yelled no. “It’s who you are, and I won’t ask you to change. Your job is a major part of you and I love every part of you. I’ll learn to deal with it.”
“If it gets to be too much, you have to promise to tell me. I want to be with you and if this is going to work, we have to be honest with each other.”
“Agreed.” When she smiled at me, I knew we would be fine. I ran forward and pulled her into my arms, tasting the sweetness of her lips. I wrapped my hand around her ponytail, gripping her tight to me. Remembering why I had to talk to her today, I pulled back reluctantly. “There’s one more thing. James wants to go to Gettysburg for the weekend and he wants you to go with. We’re leaving after school.”
“Was that my invitation?”
“No, that was me telling you that’s what the plan was.”
“I thought you said you weren’t as macho as your friends,” she said playfully.
“This is one thing that I can’t afford to have you say no to. James won’t forgive me if you’re not there.”
“Cool,” Hunter clapped his hands together. “Road trip. I’ll call Derek and let him know.”
“Uh-”
“Hunter, that wasn’t what we were thinking-” Lola began.
“I bet Derek’s going to be thanking you big time,” he said, pointing a finger at me. “Imagine all the material this will give Claire. He’ll be over the fucking moon.”
“But-”
“We’ll meet up at your house, Ryan. What time does the kid get out of school?”
I looked at Lola, hoping she would help, but she looke
d just as bulldozed as I felt. “3:30.”
“We’ll see you then, man.”
Hunter gave me a chin lift and got in his truck, waiting for Lola.
“That wasn’t really what I was expecting,” I said stunned.
“Are you mad?”
I shook my head. “No, I’m sure James will think it’s awesome to have them around.”
“You’ll regret saying that,” she said as she walked over to Hunter’s truck and got in.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Lola
“THIS IS SUCH a disaster,” I said as we entered the town of Gettysburg.
“Why do you say that?” Ryan asked.
“Because, this was supposed to be a trip for James, you, and me, but it’s turned into a Reed Security vacation.”
“That’s not true. Not everyone came,” I laughed.
“I can’t believe Hunter commandeered my trip,” I grumbled.
“I think it’s awesome,” James said excitedly. “I get to tour Gettysburg with real live soldiers.”
“We didn’t actually fight in the battle of Gettysburg,” I said dryly.
“Yeah, but you guys can tell me all about their tactical maneuvers and stuff like that,” James argued.
“War was very different then. Soldiers were actually stupid enough to stand in lines and fire bullets at each other, taking turns in order to be gentlemen.”
Ryan pulled into Custer’s Last Stand and parked the truck.
“Is this really where Custer died?” James asked.
“No,” I replied. “He died in Montana in the Battle of Little Bighorn.”
“Why are we staying at this dump?” Hunter asked as he got out of his truck.
“It’s all we could get at the last minute,” I said, raising an eyebrow at him. “You know, with you tagging along and all.”
He ignored my comment and helped Lucy out of the truck. Claire got out next and Derek was on the other side, stretching his arms over his head.
Lola: A Reed Security Romance (Reed Security Series Book 8) Page 23