by Mo O’Hara
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To all my writer and illustrator friends, who challenge me and inspire me to write, and to my cats, who distract me and would rather I just play with them
—M. O.
For Mila
—M. J.
To be honest, so far, this Evil Scientist Summer Camp has had lots of ups and downs. (Mostly, up in rockets and down in snake pits.) But my main goal hasn’t changed. So maybe this week will have lots of ups (winning challenges, having the camp counselors tell me how totally epic I am, actually beating Igor in arm wrestling) or maybe it will have downs (no more snakes, though, OK?), but I know one thing: at the end of next week I am wearing the Evil Emperor of the Week crown.
I have an evil fridge magnet that I brought with me to camp. (Well, it was an ordinary fridge magnet. I just added the word “evil” in marker.) Evil plans + evil energy + evil determination = evil success.
I’ve got the plans, the energy and the determination so I can equal the evil success! This is my week to do it. So bring it on Camp Mwhaaa-haa-ha-a-watha. You are looking at your new Evil Emperor.
Mwhaaa-haa-haaa-ha-ha,
The Great and Powerful Mark
1
“Rrreeeeoooowwww!”
“Fang, you have to get under the bed,” I pleaded. “I know it’s a bit smelly.” I flicked away some old gym socks that had been under there since the beginning of the summer, probably. “Yuck. Yeah, OK, pretty smelly, but you have to get under there anyway. They called an immediate tent search for pets! And you know what happens if they find you. It’ll be the Canoe of Shame for both of us.”
“Urgh, urgh, urgh, urgh,” said my Evil Scientist tentmate Igor, who is a kid of few words. OK, one word.
I translated the urghs. “Yeah, or they’ll put us in the ‘I-Stupidly-Tried-to-Break-the-Rules-and-Smuggle-in-a-Pet’ Stockade and call Mom to come and get us!”
“Urgh, urgh, urgh,” Igor added, looking out from the front flap of the tent.
“They are almost here, Fang. You’ve got to hide,” I said, trying to shove her. She’s tiny, but when she wants to she can spread herself out so wide that you can’t bend her, let alone hide her somewhere that she doesn’t want to be hid.
“She’s not budging,” I said, and let go of Fang. She relaxed her claws, leaped up onto the bed with a smug “Meow” and started to wash herself.
“Fang, you are gonna get us kicked out of camp,” I said.
“Urgh, urgh, urgh!” Igor rushed over toward us as I heard footsteps approaching the tent flap.
Igor must have caught Fang off guard because she didn’t claw him when he scooped her up. I don’t know what he was thinking, but in a split second, just as the tent flap opened, Igor threw Fang up into the air. We were both pretty surprised when she didn’t come down again.
Phillipe Fortescue, master of evil disguise, and Kirsty Katastrophe, evil cheerleader at large, strode into the tent and looked around.
“You know why we are here,” Phillipe said. “There has been a pet found in one of the tents.”
“Urgh, urgh, urgh?” Igor nodded, trying desperately not to look up to see where the heck Fang had gone.
“Well, no pets here,” I said, putting my hand on each of their shoulders and guiding Kirsty and Phillipe toward the tent flap. “Thanks for checking, though.”
Kirsty judo-flipped me onto the floor. “Owwwh,” I mumbled.
“We are not done looking,” she said, and walked over to where I had been standing before. The first place she checked was under my bed. “No animal could live under there. It stinks,” she said. Then she looked under the blankets and around the bottom of the bed.
As I sat up, rubbing my head from where it had thwacked the floor, I spotted Fang.
She was hanging upside down from the tent roof like a little bat kitty. And she didn’t look happy to be there. I jerked my head back toward Kirsty quickly so she wouldn’t see me looking up.
Igor hadn’t spotted Fang yet.
“So what pet did you find?” I asked, getting up and speaking to Phillipe.
“It was a turtle. Apparently, it had been in hibernation and the camper had disguised it as a rock. It wasn’t until it tried to crawl out of the tent and got stuck upside down in the dirt that someone noticed that the rock could move.”
“Urgh, urgh,” Igor said, shaking his head.
“Yeah, poor kid,” I echoed.
Kirsty upended my mattress and shook it while she spoke. “If you’re hiding something, then it’ll be easier to tell us now.”
I snatched a glance and saw that one of Fang’s claws had slipped off from the tent canvas. She was tilting now and hanging like a bat kitty with a wonky claw.
“Soooo, do you go easy on a kid if they confess to having a pet, then?” I said.
“No.” She laughed. “I meant it would be easier for us. We have a lot to do before our special guest gets here, and I don’t want to keep looking for any more contraband pets.” She dropped the mattress and it fell to the floor. “Come on, Phillipe, let’s go.”
As the tent flap closed behind them, I pointed to the ceiling.
“Urgh,” Igor said as he looked up just in time to see Fang unhook her final claw and tumble onto the mattress.
The tent flap burst open again.
“Arrrgh!” I jumped toward the mattress to cover Fang. “How did that wild cougar kitten get into our tent from the woods…?” I started to say.
“Relax, it’s just me,” Geeky Girl, the only non-evil kid at Evil Scientist Summer Camp, said. “I wanted to see if you passed tent inspection.”
“Yeah, just,” I said. “And we learned that Fang is part bat.” I laughed.
Igor did a pretty good impression of an upside-down bat Fang and giggled too. I don’t think I had ever heard Igor giggle. It’s kinda like a very low gurgly growl with shoulder shaking.
“Anyway, yeah, we passed. I guess Boris was out on a tree branch somewhere?” I added. “How does nobody notice a bright green budgie flying around camp?”
“People don’t look up very much, I guess.” She reached down and stroked Fang. “Plus, he’s pretty good at sensing danger,” Geeky Girl said. “Speaking of danger, everyone is on edge about this new special visitor. Something doesn’t feel right. You guys might want to stash Fang somewhere safe and come outside.”
2
We put on our white coats and Fang jumped into my pocket as we followed Geeky Girl out of the tent. Everyone was milling around in the clearing between the tents. There was a buzz about who would be visiting the camp. Plus, people were pointing to the kid with the pet turtle who was being taken to the stockade until his parents could come and get him. He stared at the ground, solemnly carrying his turtle with the words Evil Rocks painted on its shell. Fang squirmed in my pocket.
“That can’t be us, Fang,” I whispered. “I’ve got way too much I sti
ll want to do at Camp Mwhaaa-haa-ha-a-watha.”
Rumors about this week’s celebrity villain filled the air. Some said it was probably Mangus the Mean, a cool Viking villain who just won Celebrity Villain Bake-Off. As well as rampaging and generally cool, retro Viking villainy, he could also make really awesome evil pineapple upside-down cake.
Some said it was going to be Tim the Terrifying. He is this old-school evil villain who wears a mask and has these big claw gloves and stuff to make him look really, well, terrifying I guess. But it always just makes me think, when he takes off that stuff, he probably just looks like an accountant. And not even a particularly evil accountant, really.
“You know,” I said to Geeky Girl and Igor, “I always thought that he should have changed his name. I mean, he earned his reputation and all, but you just have to try twice as hard with a name like Tim the Terrifying, don’t you.”
Dustin and Sanj came up to us and asked if we had heard anything.
“We heard that the campers are going to be taken somewhere tropical this week,” Dustin said.
“That Goth Girl has ordered a whole case of sunblock just in case,” Sanj said.
“What is her actual name, anyway? Goth Girl?” I said. “I mean, I’ve always been too scared to ask her, but someone must have.”
“She threatened to shave my head once just because I looked at her. I’m not asking,” Dustin said.
“It’s probably much cooler and more evil sounding than your real name, Geeky Girl. What is it again? Glynis?” Sanj said, smirking.
Geeky Girl stepped forward to unsmirk Sanj’s face when I interrupted, “Ha, ha. So not funny, Sanj. So, come on, who will the celebrity villain be?”
“Urgh, urgh, urgh, urgh,” Igor added.
“What?” I said. “OK, this rumor stuff is getting out of hand if someone seriously thought that Darth Vader was going to be our celebrity villain.”
Igor looked slightly embarrassed.
“Oh, come on,” Geeky Girl said, shaking her head.
You know what? I didn’t care who it was; I just wanted to win Evil Emperor of the Week for myself and get a crown. It’s not a lot for a guy to ask, really. In my head I was picturing the camp crowning ceremony where everyone had to kneel and chant, “Mark is an Epically Evil Emperor of the Week. All hail Emperor Mark,” when Igor nudged me.
And when Igor nudges anyone it usually means they fall over.
I fell over.
“Hey, what was that for? I was having the best daydream—” I started to say, but then I felt it.
“Tornado!” Sanj squealed.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Geeky Girl said. “There will be a reasonable scientific explanation for this.”
“I’ve never been in a tornado, but I always thought the wind was kinda … you know … spinning more,” I said. “This is more pushy wind than spinny.”
“That’s your scientific explanation?” Geeky Girl said.
But it was true. It was like there were waves of air blasting down onto the ground and causing the tents to shake and the ground to vibrate from the noise and pressure.
Then suddenly the sky got very dark.
“Remember how I said people never look up?” Geeky Girl gulped. “Look up now.”
Something very, very large loomed in the air.
“Urgh, urgh, urgh!” Igor shouted.
“It’s not the Death Star, Igor!” I shouted back as whatever it was got pretty loud.
It was massive, though, and it was floating right above the camp.
Fang went into complete instinct-predator-avoidance mode. She jumped out of my pocket and adopted Cat Attack stance between my legs. It’s like centuries of avoiding things swooping out of the skies to get ground mammals gives them this fear of things overhead. Luckily, every eye in the camp was looking up at whatever the heck that thing was.
It started to move toward the lake. As it did, I scooped up Fang and dropped her back into my pocket. “If we have to get away fast, kitten, then I need you ready to go,” I whispered. But the thing started to drop down over the lake. I don’t know what I expected to see as it came down, maybe laser beam cannons or robot warriors or something.
“It can’t be,” Dustin said.
“It looks like it,” Sanj said.
As it descended, you could see that the flat rocky bit on the bottom was just that—rock. The rest of the thing had trees and grass and—OMG! It had an actual volcano in the middle of it! It was a flying volcano island! Literally, a flying volcano island! It was the coolest thing ever. I was watching a flying island land in our lake!
Bob and Diablo ran over to the lake edge near us to get a closer look.
“It’s her! It’s gotta be her,” said Bob.
Trevor the Tech-in-ator, one of the other counselors, stepped forward and pushed us aside.
“It’s her,” he said.
The kids all started screaming and clapping like they were at some pop-star concert or something.
“Who is it?” I asked. “I mean, whoever it is, they have the coolest volcano island and all, but who is it?”
Trevor continued, “She vas an evil scientist before zey discovered most modern science. She vas an evil scientist ven nobody even had an evil lair.”
“What did they do?” I asked.
“They just hung out in evil ordinary houses,” Phillipe said.
The kids all mumbled in awe.
“It was a dark time,” he added.
“You mean it’s actually her?” I said. “No way.”
“Yes vay,” Trevor said.
“So, this person invented the first evil volcano lair? OK.” Geeky Girl nodded. “But who is she?”
“Madame Mako,” Trevor and I said at the same time.
“Urgh, urgh, urgh, urgh,” Igor added.
“Yeah, I always liked the whole shark thing with the name too,” I said.
“Mako? That’s a Tahitian name. That’s so funny,” Geeky Girl started to say, “that’s the same name as my—”
“Glenda!!!” A booming voice echoed out from the island across the lake. A small, stocky woman in a long, straight black dress stood on the shore. She had her gray-and-black hair pulled tightly back in a bun, pierced with a long jade dagger that looked way more lethal than a hair decoration. I guess when you are an actual evil empress you stick to accessories that double as weapons. Weirdly, she was pointing toward the camp, and … right at us.
“No?!” Geeky Girl started to back away. “It can’t be.”
“Who’s Glenda? Ooooh, I remember. That’s your—” I started to say but stopped talking when I saw Geeky Girl’s face.
“Come here, child,” the old woman shouted, and held out her arms. “Come and give your grandmother a nice evil hug.”
3
The sea of campers parted and everyone stood looking at Geeky Girl staring across the lake.
“She’s your grandma?” I whispered.
“Yeah.” Geeky Girl nodded.
“And you didn’t know she was, like, the most famous evil scientist in like … evil science?” I asked.
“No,” Geeky Girl answered. “Obviously not.”
“I mean, you look up everything online. Didn’t you ever look her up or anything?” I asked.
“No.” She rolled her eyes. “Who Googles their grandma? Have you Googled your grandma?”
“My grandma lives in a condo upstate, and yours lives on a flying volcano island. More to Google there,” I said.
“Don’t dawdle, Glenda; I do detest dawdling,” Madame Mako spoke again.
“You can’t keep her waiting,” Sanj said, and led Geeky Girl to the water’s edge. I kept thinking she was gonna flatten Sanj any minute now for trying to take her arm, but she was just in a trance (and not an “I’ve been shot with a zombifying glare or ray gun or anything” kind of trance, just an “It’s taking me a long, long time to process this stuff” kind of trance).
“Come on. Snap out of it,” I mumbled.
&nbs
p; “Let me help you, my dear, dear friend Glenda,” he said as he led her over.
Finally, the complete weirdness of Sanj’s words snapped her out of it.
“Get off.” She shook her arm free. “I’m fine now and I’m not your dear, dear anything, got it?” she added.
Sanj stepped back.
Madame Mako pressed a button on a remote control that she carried, and a bridge shot out from her island to the edge of the lake where Geeky Girl stood. She looked across the bridge at her grandmother and then started to cross.
This was an awesome moment for Geeky Girl. So why did I feel on edge? Maybe it was Fang clawing and scratching in my pocket to get out? Her kitty danger sense was kicking in about something, but it might have just been that she was within ten feet of Sanj. That’s enough to set her off. I held my pocket closed so she couldn’t leap out. We were not going to be thrown out of camp in front of Madame Mako!
“It’s OK, Fang. She’s Geeky Girl’s family. She’ll be fine,” I whispered. The words had just left my mouth when I spotted how completely not fine it was.
When Geeky Girl was maybe halfway across, a huge lizard, the size of a Rottweiler but with short legs, burst out of a door behind Madame Mako and came galloping toward Geeky Girl. She turned to run but her foot got caught in a slat on the bridge. Saliva dripped from the lizard’s jaws as he moved. I ran for the bridge, but the lizard was closer to Geeky Girl than I was.
Suddenly Boris swooped down from a branch and dive-bombed the lizard. It took one swipe of his powerful tail to thwack Boris out of the sky. He lay motionless on the bridge, well out of Geeky Girl’s reach. The lizard didn’t even slow down. He pelted toward her, thundering across the bridge. Madame Mako looked slightly irritated. Slightly irritated that this thing might eat her granddaughter!
Geeky Girl pulled at her foot while trying to kick the lizard hurtling toward her with her free leg. With no time to think about what I could actually do to stop a giant lizard, I jumped in front of it. The lizard made a low growling noise and a truly terrifying slurp as it got within reach. Just before its jaws snapped shut around my leg, Madame Mako whistled. The death lizard immediately slid to a halt.