by Lyra Shanti
“Hey!” she protested. “Look, like I said, I was young. And he was the first guy to ever look at me like he wanted me, and I guess I needed that attention. I thought it was love, but I know how it wasn't.”
Jon’s face looked sad. He came over and sat by her, then held her hand. “Why didn't you know you were worthy of love? If I had been there, I…”
“You would have been popular and surrounded by men and women who adored you, and I probably wouldn't have even known how to talk to a god like you. I still don't know what you're doing with me.”
“I'm loving you, silly woman.”
She cringed. “Please don't call me that. James used to call me a silly woman. I'm neither of those things.”
Jon didn't seem to catch the meaning of her last statement. “I'm sorry,” he said, holding her hand. “I love you Sam. I want to understand what you've been through, but it's hard to fathom why you were with a jerk like that.”
She gave another exasperated sigh. “Because I was alone and confused. My mom was an emotional mess, and I never had a father in my life. James was the first man to love me… or pretend to love me. I thought it made me safe. Growing up without stable parents or even much of an identity, I didn't feel safe. But being with him made me think I was normal and accepted. I think you can understand that feeling.”
Jon nodded. “I'm sorry you had that upbringing, my love. But please stop thinking you're plain. You're a goddess.”
“Pfft. No, I'm not. I'm not even that feminine.”
“Stop picking on yourself, Sam.”
“I'm not doing that,” she said, standing up. “Don't you get it, Jon? I'm not really a woman! That's why growing up I felt ugly or plain. I just didn't think I fit into the female role. I still don't. I tried really hard to do it. I wore makeup and dresses and heels—all that shit that James loved. But it didn't make me feel any more feminine.”
Jon sat on the bed in silence, looking sad and confused. Sam took it as a sign to continue her rant.
“Honestly, I didn't even have orgasms before being with you. Even when I tried being a lesbian during high school, before James, it was weird for me. There was this girl, Shannon. She was hot and all, and she liked weird stuff too, like anime and Doctor Who, but she definitely wanted me to be a girl. I think she liked how quiet and demure I seemed. Yuck. I always held the real me back. I felt like a freak, neither female or male, and I couldn't relax enough to enjoy sex. I don't know why or how you break through all my sexual weirdness, Jon, but you do. Maybe it's because you broke through Sa. Maybe it's Sa who has been suffering this whole time, locked away inside me, unable to be free.”
Sam knew she was about to burst into tears. “Shit,” she said, wiping away the salty, hot streams before they even fell. “I'm so sick of being weak. I just want to be me!”
Jon rose to his feet and wrapped his strong arms around her back. “You're safe. You're loved. And I want Sa to be free.”
“Jon!” Sam could barely talk. The lump in her throat made it impossible.
Luckily, words were unnecessary. Jon simply picked her up and laid her on the bed. In a matter of seconds, he took off her clothes and began kissing her entire body. Soon, they were making love. In between gentle thrusts, he sweetly said, “I love you, my Sam… my Sa.”
Sam uncontrollably cried. She wondered if he could truly love her for who she… he… really was. The feelings were too intense, and Sam arched her back to receive the giant waves of pleasure that only this one man could give her.
“Please,” she begged. “Never leave me. Love me… forever.”
Jon softly kissed her lips, then whispered, “Forever.” A second later, Sam felt a flood of warmth rushing through her lower half. It was his love, and in that moment, she knew he meant his words.
Chapter 31: The Sorcerer
G an patiently followed Ji Wei through the forest. Twisting and winding through the cloak of night, they eventually came to a territory unfamiliar to Gan. With hanging, white blossom trees and a mist wafting in the air, the place seemed enchanted.
"Have you been here before?" he asked his guide.
"Yes," replied Ji Wei, "it's where the fox spirits gather sometimes, as well as other changelings and magical creatures."
"Really? What do you do when you gather together?"
"They sing," said a low voice. Slowly, a man emerged from the shadows. He wore a black cloak and blended in with the night.
Gan clenched his teeth and reached for his demonic sword. "Are you the one who destroyed my village and killed my wife?"
"No," said the mysterious figure, "I merely wanted to hunt down the leader of your clan, namely you. However, your cousin, Li Hu, was more than happy to take my devil army into your camp, burn your entire village down, and murder your wife. He went far beyond my orders. But I suppose you had caused him too much pain, and his reckless actions couldn't be helped."
"You lie! Li Hu would never commit such evil!"
"I assure you, Li Gan, descendant of the black dragons, I do not lie."
Gan's stomach turned at the sound of the cloaked man's voice. It was deep and haunting, and somehow familiar.
"I am not a descendant of dragons," Gan spit in anger, "and my cousin would never betray me. You are a lying sorcerer!"
"How sad," the man said as he gracefully advanced toward Gan. "It seems you are not only in denial about your late cousin, but your spiritual legacy as well."
Gan had the urge to run the liar through with his sword. But first, he wanted to see the face of the man who orchestrated his wife's death. "Show yourself, coward!"
The cloaked man slowly pulled back his hood. The moon's light revealed a face Gan could not believe was looking at him. That beautiful face and elegance. It seemed impossible, but Gan now stared at what appeared to be his beloved Sa.
"Are you surprised at my visage?"
Gan shook his head, his mouth hanging open. "I can't accept what I see. My yin, why would you deceive me this way?"
The man laughed, then walked even closer to Gan, who had unintentionally lowered his sword. "I am not who you think," he said with a sneer.
Upon closer inspection, Gan realized that this sorcerer was not actually Sa. Not only were his eyes an odd shade of purple, but his hair was the complete opposite of his lover's, for it was black as night.
"Who are you?" asked Gan, feeling both relief and bewilderment.
The man smirked and said, "Don't worry, I am not the one you call yin. I am merely his shadow, as well as his doom."
"You are an evil sorcerer, and you've obviously transformed your image to throw me off, but you will not succeed!"
Pulling his sword from its sheath, Gan raced forward to strike down the murderous imposter. But before he could land a blow, the man jumped into the air and tumbled over Gan's head, landing on his feet like a cat. It was an impossible move, and Gan hardly had time to react.
Turning to face the nimble sorcerer, he one again asked, "Who are you?"
~~
Sa felt anxious as he paced the garden of the temple. Gan promised he'd return soon, yet it had been weeks. It didn't help that Sa felt a great many negative vibrations in the air. It seemed the spirits were uneasy.
There was one spirit in particular who kept yammering on at him: Zhang Lu, Gan's wife. She was normally a lovely, genuine woman, and Sa could usually appease her restless soul with songs or words of comfort, but tonight, she just wouldn't stop bothering him with questions.
I don't know where he is, he thought to her, praying she'd stop asking.
Unfortunately, it only made her pushier. She wanted him to go and look for her husband. You have to leave this lonely temple one of these days, she quipped in his mind.
Sa gave an exasperated sigh as he ran his fingers through his long hair. He didn't understand why she seemed so preoccupied with staying at the temple in the first place. He'd asked her many times to pass into the light and rest her soul, but she said she felt tethered to protect him.
It made no sense to Sa, but he didn't want to turn away his new guardian spirit. He was actually quite relieved that she wasn't angry about his love affair with her husband. All she seemed to care about was making him take better care of himself. It actually brought Sa comfort and made him feel loved. At this point, he considered Zhang Lu a good friend and was becoming rather fond of her. But this time, she acted a bit different, like a nagging mother.
"Look," he said aloud while pacing, "It's the dead of night, and I don't see well in the dark. Plus, he wants space… so I'm giving him space."
Zhang Lu pressed her spirit against him and wrapped her arms around his neck. The closeness made Sa uneasy. He needs you, she whispered. Put away your pride, white dragon. Time is of the essence, and the black dragon needs your help.
For a moment, he froze looking at her soul's beauty; it was warm, loving, and pure. "I'm sorry… but I can't," he said, slowly pulling from her embrace.
Your pride will be your doom, she said before heading for the door, disappearing into the night.
Sa felt relieved, albeit alone. He hadn’t realized how attached he’d become to Zhang Lu. At times, her goddess-like aura frightened him, but also calmed his imbalanced soul. However, seeing her so frantic was too much for him to handle.
He yearned for tea and a soak in his spring. No restless guardian spirits. No lovers who leave and break promises. Just him and the silence of nature.
Unfortunately, just as he finished making a pot of lotus tea, he heard a voice breaking through the silence of the temple. "Help!" it yelled, approaching the front entrance of the temple.
At first, Sa thought it was Zhang Lu, come back to plead once again. But after the second cry for help, he realized the voice was corporeal and from a young man.
Reluctantly, Sa placed the tea pot on his small wooden table and headed for the entrance. He soon saw the young man, who appeared boyish and sweet-faced.
"How can I help you?" asked Sa.
The young man bowed. "My name is Ji Wei. You're my master's priest, aren't you?"
Sa raised his brow. "If you are speaking of Li Gan, then yes."
"Good!" Ji Wei exclaimed. "He needs your help! He's in the changeling forest with a terrible sorcerer. My master can't face him alone. He'll die!"
Sa didn't know what to think. Was this young man insane? According to his own master, there hadn't been a sorcerer in years. The last one had been destroyed by the four elemental dragons, and was never heard or seen again.
Sa folded his arms. "Are you sure you saw Li Gan enter the forest of spirits with… a sorcerer?"
"Yes! I know because…" Ji Wei's concerned expression turned to sadness. "I'm the one who lured him there."
Sa didn't understand, but his heart felt pulled. Not only did Zhang Lu warn him, but now this Ji Wei person as well.
Sa nodded and threw on his outer robe. "Show me where they are, and explain on the way."
~~
Pressing into Gan's side with the heat of the ring, the sorcerer gave no mercy. It stung and burned as Gan's remaining strength faded away, his sword falling to the ground.
"You are pathetic," growled the sorcerer. "To think he gave you the holy opal! Its power would have been wasted on the likes of you."
Finally, he released Gan from his grasp. Able to breathe once again, Gan gasped for air and fell on his knees. What evil magic is this? he wondered, trying to collect his strength.
The sorcerer picked up Gan's demonic sword and laughed. "Did you really think you could use a sword made by my own hands? You're just a naive and stupid as your lovesick cousin was. I should kill you like I killed him." Lifting up Gan's chin with his finger, he added, "I put Li Hu out of his misery. Should I do the same for you?"
With all his remaining spirit, Gan spit in the sorcerer's face. "Go back to the hell you came from," he growled.
Wiping off the spit from his cheek, the sorcerer gave a sarcastic smile. "Oh, I shall, my useless egg of a dragon. But before my own departure, I will destroy your soul first, leaving nothing but a shadow for your beloved yin to mourn."
About to dig the opal ring into Gan's heart, the sorcerer's hand stopped short, as if controlled by an unexplained power.
"Let. Him. Go."
Gan looked to his right and saw his white-haired priest, standing with a forearm extended and a radiant aura of iridescent glow.
The sorcerer pulled back his hand and laughed. "So, my brother… you've finally come."
Gan suddenly felt free once again and ran behind Sa, shielding himself with his yin's immense, spiritual power.
"Xian Shen…” said the white dragon with angry, focused eyes. “I thought you were dead. Why are you here?"
Gan's mind rushed to keep the pace. They're brothers? he thought. Of course. They look so similar. But… why does he want to kill me?
As if reading his mind, Xian Shen said, "Because you, black dragon, shouldn't be here. You are a shadow, a wish… a figment of my brother's imagination."
"What?" asked Gan, utterly confused. "Are you mad?"
Xian Shen laughed. "Perhaps… but it is my brother, the white dragon, who is the true madman among us. Ever since the day he murdered our home and our own mother, he split himself in two, suppressing his power and creating you, his yang, in the process."
"What?" laughed Gan. "You're crazy!" He looked over at Sa, hoping for an explanation, but all he saw was his yin's stoic, unreadable face.
"He won't tell you the truth," said Xian Shen. "I'm not even sure he tells himself. But I'll tell you. I've nothing to lose now that I have the holy opal, the only object that could have awakened you both and destroyed this world. Apparently, his foolish master thought the opal could join your powers together and heal your souls, but… that is impossible, isn't it, Brother? You're too afraid of your true self… and for good reason. Do you remember that dark day, the day those unwise children made fun of your hair, the day you lost your temper and destroyed our village?"
Sa winced, breaking his stoic reserve. He lifted his hand and rubbed his forehead.
"Please, stop!" yelled Ji Wei as he rushed from behind Sa and Gan. "There's no need to do this! I can heal the black dragon and—"
"Silence, fox!" yelled the sorcerer, forcing Ji Wei to his knees. Gan quickly realized that Xian Shen's true power came from his voice. If he could somehow silence the sorcerer, they might have a fighting chance.
"Tell me, Brother," said Xian Shen, focusing his attention on Sa, "do you believe the black dragon can be healed? You would know best, for he is the repressed darkness within you. Can you truly keep him at bay with the power of the white opal? Are you really that naive?"
"It's worked for years," said Sa, his voice cracking and weak.
Gan shook his head and grabbed Sa by the shoulders. "Snap out of his spell, my yin. He makes no sense. I know your soul is good. I know you didn't kill anyone, and for heaven's sake, I'm not some creation from your mind." He pulled Sa's hand to his chest. "Feel my heart! I am real. I feel pain and love. You know me. You know the truth!"
Sa slowly looked into Gan's eyes and cried. "I… don't know what to believe. Gan… I remember that day. Those boys yanked my hair and called me a demon. My own mother called me an abomination! I was so small… so scared. I remember wishing I really was a dragon, and then… "
"You became a dragon," said Xian Shen as he walked toward Sa and Gan. "As a child, I hadn't believed what they said about you, but when your body actually grew wings… and you spit fire at your enemies, I knew what they claimed was true. The only thing I didn't realize was that I too had the dragon's blood, but not like you. I didn't look abnormal, and I couldn't change form. But my mind could make others do what I wanted, and my voice could kill with a sound."
Laying his hand on Sa's shoulder, he continued. "Brother, I vowed the day you burned our home to use my power to find where you had gone into hiding. I wanted to heal you… protect you. But when I searched for your soul, I found your replacement for me instead." He
turned to Gan with a sneer. "I suppose a perfect creation of your mind's making is a better protector than I could ever be. But he is not real, Sa, and he is not your true yang. I am your other half, not he!"
"He's real!" yelled Ji Wei, who got up from the ground. "I have seen his soul, felt his body. I don't understand his connection to Master Ling Sa, but he's as real as you or I!"'
Xian Shen smirked. "And what would a fox spirit like you know about reality? All you do is change from day to day, transforming into anything you think your lover desires. You know nothing about how your magic works, and you know even less about the creation power of the dragons."
Gan's anger raced through his veins. "Enough!" he yelled, stepping in front of Sa, pushing Xian Shen back. "I can tell you hate me, and for some insane reason, you think I was merely created from Sa's mind, but there's no reason to hurt my friend. Leave Ji Wei be."