'Hold this,' snapped Ferro's voice.
'Uh,' he whispered, trying to press the sobs down into his chest and stop them cracking his voice. He held one end of the fresh bandage against his face while she wrapped it round his head and under his jaw, round and round, holding his mouth near shut.
'You'll live.'
'Is that supposed to be a comfort?' he mumbled.
She shrugged as she turned away. 'There are plenty who don't.'
Jezal almost envied them as he watched her stalk off through the waving grass. How he wished Ardee was here. He remembered the last sight of her, looking up at him in the soft rain with that crooked smile. She would never have left him like this, helpless and in pain. She would have spoken soft words, and touched his face, and looked at him with her dark eyes, and kissed him gently, and… sentimental shit. Probably she had found some other idiot to tease, and confuse, and make miserable, and had never paid him so much as a second thought. He tortured himself with the thought of her laughing at some other man's jokes, smiling into some other man's face, kissing some other man's mouth. She would never want him now, that was sure. No one would want him. He felt his lip trembling again, his eyes tingling.
'All the great heroes of old, you know—the great kings, the great generals—they all faced adversity from time to time.' Jezal looked up. He had almost forgotten that Bayaz was there. 'Suffering is what gives a man strength, my boy, just as the steel most hammered turns out the hardest.'
The old man winced as he squatted down beside Jezal. 'Anyone can face ease and success with confidence. It is the way we face trouble and misfortune that defines us. Self-pity goes with selfishness, and there is nothing more to be deplored in a leader than that. Selfishness belongs to children, and to halfwits. A great leader puts others before himself. You would be surprised how acting so makes it easier to bear one's own troubles. In order to act like a king, one need only treat everyone else like one.' And he placed a hand on Jezal's shoulder. Perhaps it was supposed to be a fatherly and reassuring touch, but he could feel it trembling through his shirt. Bayaz let it rest there for a moment as though he had not the strength to move it, then pushed himself slowly up, stretched his legs, and shuffled off.
Jezal stared vacantly after him. A few weeks ago he would have been left fuming silently by such a lecture. Now he sat limp and absorbed it meekly. He hardly knew who he was any more. It was difficult to maintain any sense of superiority in the face of his utter dependence on other people. And people of whom, until recently, he had held such a very low opinion. He was no longer under any illusions. Without Ferro's savage doctoring, and Ninefingers' clumsy nursing, he would most likely have been dead.
The Northman was walking over, boots crunching in the shingle. Time to go back in the cart. Time for more squeaking and jolting. Time for more pain. Jezal gave a long, ragged, self-pitying sigh, but stopped himself halfway through. Self-pity was for children and halfwits.
'Alright, you know the drill.' Jezal leaned forward and Ninefingers hooked his arm behind his back, the other under his knees, lifted him up over the side of the cart without even breathing hard and dumped him unceremoniously among the supplies. Jezal caught his big, dirty, three-fingered hand as he was moving away, and the Northman turned to look at him, one heavy brow lifted. Jezal swallowed. 'Thank you,' he muttered.
'What, for this?'
'For everything.'
Ninefingers looked at him for a long moment, then shrugged. 'Nothing to it. You treat folk the way you'd want to be treated, and you can't go far wrong. That's what my father told me. Forgot that advice, for a long time, and I done things I can never make up for.' He gave a long sigh. 'Still, it doesn't hurt to try. My experience? You get what you give, in the end.'
Jezal blinked at Ninefingers' broad back as he walked over to his horse. You treat folk the way you'd want to be treated. Could Jezal honestly say that he had ever done that much? He thought about it as the cart set off, axles shrieking, carelessly at first, and then with deepening worry.
He had bullied his juniors, pandered to his seniors. He had often screwed money from friends who could not afford it, had taken advantage of girls, then brushed them off. He had never once thanked his friend West for any of his help, and would happily have bedded his sister behind his back if she had let him. He realised, with increasing horror, that he could scarcely think of a single selfless thing that he had ever done.
He shifted uncomfortably against the sacks of fodder in the cart. You get what you give, in the long run, and manners cost nothing. From now on, he would think of others first. He would treat everyone as if they were his equal. But later, of course. There would be plenty of time to be a better man when he could eat again. He touched one hand to the bandages on his face, scratched absently at them then had to stop himself. Bayaz was riding just behind the cart, looking out across the water.
'You saw it?' Jezal muttered at him.
'Saw what?'
'This.' He jabbed a finger at his face.
'Ah, that. Yes, I saw it.'
'How bad is it?'
Bayaz cocked his head on one side. 'Do you know? All in all, I believe I like it.'
'You like it?'
'Not now, perhaps, but the stitches will come out, the swelling will go down, the bruises will fade, the scabs will heal and drop away. I would guess your jaw will never quite regain its shape, and your teeth, of course, will not grow back, but what you lose in boyish charm you will gain, I have no doubt, in a certain danger, a flair, a rugged mystery. People respect a man who has seen action, and your appearance will be very far from ruined. I daresay girls could still be persuaded to swoon for you, if you were to do anything worth swooning over.' He nodded thoughtfully. 'Yes. All in all, I think it will serve.'
'Serve?' muttered Jezal, one hand pressed against his bandages. 'Serve what?'
But Bayaz' mind had wandered off. 'Harod the Great had a scar, you know, across his cheek, and it never did him any harm. You don't see it on the statues, of course, but people respected him the more for it, in life. Truly a great man, Harod. He had a shining reputation for being fair and trustworthy, and indeed he often was. But he knew how not to be, when the situation demanded it.' The Magus chuckled to himself. 'Did I tell you of the time he invited his two greatest enemies to negotiate with him? He had them feuding one with the other before the day was out, and later they destroyed each other's armies in battle, leaving him to claim victory over both without striking a blow. He knew, you see, that Ardlic had a beautiful wife…'
Jezal lay back in the cart. Bayaz had, in fact, told him that story before, but there seemed no purpose in saying so. He was actually enjoying hearing it for a second time, and it was hardly as though there was anything better for him to do. There was something calming in the repetitive droning of the old man's deep voice, especially now the sun was breaking through the clouds. His mouth was barely even hurting, if he kept it still.
So Jezal lay back against a sack of straw, head turned to the side, rocking gently with the movement of the cart, and watched the land slide by. Watched the wind in the grass. Watched the sun on the water.
* * *
One Step at a Time
« ^ »
West gritted his teeth as he dragged himself up the freezing slope. His fingers were numb, and weak, and trembling from clawing at the chill earth, the icy tree roots, the freezing snow for handholds. His lips were cracked, his nose was endlessly running, the rims of his nostrils were horribly sore. The very air cut into his throat and nipped at his lungs, smoked back out in tickling wheezes. He wondered if giving his coat to Ladisla had been the worst decision of his life. He decided it probably had been. Except for saving the selfish bastard in the first place, of course.
Even when he had been training for the Contest, five hours a day, he had never imagined that he could be so tired. Next to Threetrees, Lord Marshal Varuz seemed an almost laughably soft taskmaster. West was shaken awake before dawn every morning and scarcely all
owed to rest until after the last light faded. The Northmen were machines, every one of them. Men carved from wood who never got tired, who felt no pain. Every one of West's muscles ached from their merciless pace. He was covered in bruises and scratches from a hundred falls and scrambles. His feet were raw and blistered in his wet boots. Then there was the familiar pulsing in the head, throbbing away to the rhythm of his laboured heartbeat, mingling unpleasantly with the burning of the wound on his scalp.
The cold, the pain, and the fatigue were bad enough, but still worse was the overwhelming sense of shame, and guilt, and failure that crushed him down with every step. He had been sent with Ladisla to make sure there were no disasters. The result had been a disaster on a scale almost incomprehensible. An entire division massacred. How many children without fathers? How many wives without husbands? How many parents without sons? If only he could have done more, he told himself for the thousandth time, bunching his bloodless hands into fists. If only he could have convinced the Prince to stay behind the river, all those men might not be dead. So many dead. He hardly knew whether to pity or envy them.
'One step at a time,' he muttered to himself as he clambered up the slope. That was the only way to look at it. If you clenched your teeth hard enough, and took enough strides, you could get anywhere. One painful, weary, freezing, guilty step at a time. What else could you do?
No sooner had they finally made it to the top of the hill than Prince Ladisla flung himself down against the roots of a tree, as he did at least once an hour. 'Colonel West, please!' He gasped for air, breath steaming round his puffy face. He had two lines of glistening snot on his pale top lip, just like a toddler. 'I can go no further! Tell them… tell them to stop, for pity's sake!'
West cursed under his breath. The Northmen were annoyed enough as it was, and making less and less effort to disguise the fact, but, like it or not, Ladisla was still his commander. Not to mention the heir to the throne. West could hardly order him to get up. 'Threetrees!' he wheezed.
The old warrior frowned over his shoulder. 'You better not be asking me to stop, lad.'
'We have to.'
'By the dead! Again? You Southerners got no bones in you at all! No wonder Bethod gave you such a kicking. If you bastards don't learn to march he'll be giving you another, I can tell you that!'
'Please. Just for a moment.'
Threetrees glared down at the sprawling Prince and shook his head with disgust. 'Alright, then. You can sit a minute, if that'll get you moving the quicker, but don't get used to it, you hear? We've not covered half the ground we need to today, if we're to keep ahead of Bethod.' And he stalked off to shout at the Dogman.
West sank down onto his haunches, working his numb toes, cupping his icy hands and blowing into them. He wanted to sprawl out like Ladisla, but he knew from harsh experience that if he stopped moving, starting up again would be all the more painful. Pike and his daughter stood over them, scarcely even too far out of breath. It was harsh proof, if any were really needed, that working metal in a penal colony was better preparation for slogging across brutal country than a life of uninterrupted ease.
Ladisla seemed to guess what he was thinking. 'You've no idea how hard this is for me!' he blurted.
'No, of course!' snapped West, his patience worn down to a stub. 'You've got the extra weight of my coat to carry!'
The Prince blinked, then looked down at the wet ground, his jaw muscles working silently. 'You're right. I'm sorry. I realise I owe you my life, of course. Not used to this sort of thing, you see. Not used to it at all.' He plucked at the frayed and filthy lapels of the coat and gave a sorry chuckle. 'My mother always told me that a man should be well presented under all circumstances. I wonder what she'd make of this.' West noticed he didn't offer to give it back, though.
Ladisla hunched his shoulders. 'I suppose I must shoulder a portion of the blame for this whole business.' A portion? West would have liked to serve him a portion of his boot. 'I should have listened to you, Colonel. I knew it all along. Caution is the best policy in war, eh? That's always been my motto. Let that fool Smund talk me into rashness. He always was an idiot!'
'Lord Smund gave his life,' muttered West.
'Shame he didn't give it a day earlier, we might not be in this fix!' The Prince's lip quivered slightly. 'What do you think they'll say about this back home, eh, West? What do you think they'll say about me now?'
'I've no idea, your Highness.' It could hardly be any worse than what they said already. West tried to squash his anger and put himself in Ladisla's position. He was so utterly unprepared for the hardship of this march, so completely without resources, so entirely dependent on others for everything. A man who had never had to make a decision more important than which hat to wear, who now had to come to terms with his responsibility for thousands of deaths. Small wonder he had no idea how to go about it.
'If only they hadn't run.' Ladisla clenched his fist and thumped petulantly at a tree root. 'Why didn't they stand and fight, the cowardly bastards? Why didn't they fight?'
West closed his eyes, did his best to ignore the cold, and the hunger, and the pain, and to push away the fury in his chest. This was always the way of it. Just when Ladisla was finally starting to arouse some sympathy, he would let fall some loathsome utterance which brought West's distaste for the man flooding back. 'I couldn't possibly say, your Highness,' he managed to squeeze through his gritted teeth.
'Right,' grumbled Threetrees, 'that's your lot! On your feet again, and no excuses!'
'Not up again already is it, Colonel?'
'I'm afraid so.'
The Prince sighed and dragged himself wincing to his feet. 'I've no notion of how they can keep this up, West.'
'One stride at a time, your Highness.'
'Of course,' muttered Ladisla, starting to stumble off through the trees after the two convicts. 'One stride at a time.'
West worked his aching ankles for a moment and then bent down to follow, when he felt a shadow fall across him. He looked up to see that Black Dow had stepped into his path, blocking the way with one heavy shoulder, his snarling face no more than a foot away. He nodded towards the Prince's slow moving back. 'You want me to kill him?' he growled in Northern.
'If you touch any one of them!' West had spat out the words before he had any idea of how to finish. 'I'll…'
'Yes?'
'I'll kill you.' What else could he say? He felt like a child making ludicrous threats in a schoolyard. An extremely cold and dangerous schoolyard, and to a boy twice his size.
But Dow only grinned. 'That's a big temper you got on you for a skinny man. A lot of killing we're talking about, all of a sudden. You sure you got the bones for it?'
West tried to look as big as he could, which wasn't easy standing down a slope and hunched over with exhaustion. You have to show no fear, if you're to calm a dangerous situation, however much you might be feeling. 'Why don't you try me?' His voice sounded pitifully weak, even in his own ear.
'I might do that.'
'Let me know when it's time. I'd hate to miss it.'
'Oh, don't worry about that,' whispered Dow, turning his head and spitting on the ground. 'You'll know it's time when you wake up with your throat cut.' And he sauntered off up the muddy slope, slow enough to show he wasn't scared. West wished that he could have said the same. His heart was pounding as he pushed on between the trees after the others. He trudged doggedly past Ladisla and caught up to Cathil, falling into step beside her.
'You alright?' he asked.
'I've been worse.' She looked him up and down. 'How about you?'
West suddenly realised what a state he must look. He had an old sack with holes cut in it for his arms pulled over his filthy uniform, his belt buckled tight over the top with the heavy sword pushed through it and knocking against his leg. There was an itchy growth of half beard across his rattling jaw, and he guessed that his face must have been a mixture of angry pink and corpse grey. He wedged his hands under his armpi
ts and gave a sad grin. 'Cold.'
'You look it. Should have kept your coat, maybe.'
He had to nod at that. He peered through the branches of the pines at Dow's back and cleared his throat. 'None of them have been… bothering you, have they?'
'Bothering me?'
'Well, you know,' he said awkwardly, 'a woman in amongst all these men, they're not used to it. The way that man Dow stares at you. I don't—'
'That's very noble of you, Colonel, but I wouldn't worry about them. I doubt they'll do anything more than stare, and I've dealt with worse than that.'
'Worse than him?'
'First camp I was in, the commandant took a liking to me. Still had the glow of a good free life on my skin, I suppose. He starved me to get what he wanted. Five days with no food.'
West winced. 'And that was long enough to make him give up?'
'They don't give up. Five days was all I could stand. You do what you have to.'
'You mean…'
'What you have to.' She shrugged. 'I'm not proud, but I'm not ashamed either. Pride and shame, neither one will feed you. The only thing I regret is those five days of hunger, five days when I could have eaten well. You do what you have to. I don't care who you are. Once you start starving…' She shrugged again.
'What about your father?'
'Pike?' She looked up at the burnt-faced convict ahead of them. 'He's a good man, but he's no relative of mine. I've no idea what became of my real family. Split up all over Angland probably, if they're still alive.'
'So he's—'
'Sometimes, if you pretend you're family, people act differently. We've helped each other out. If it wasn't for Pike, I suppose I'd still be hammering metal in the camp.'
'Instead of which you're enjoying this wonderful outing.'
'Huh. You make do with what you're given.' She put her head down and quickened her pace, stalking off through the trees.
Before They Are Hanged Page 32