The Maestro

  We’d been in the same room plenty of times without needing to touch each other.

  I could handle this.

  * * *

  After dinner, my father, Tom, and John went to smoke cigars on the porch, a Christmas tradition. Kieran wouldn’t join them. He hated smoking, thinking it negatively affected his hearing.

  My mother and Lydia set out dessert and brewed decaffeinated coffee. Kieran and I had finished washing and drying the dishes from dinner. My sister had her feet propped on a chair and was rubbing a knot out of one of her calves.

  The excitement of the day caught up to me, and exhaustion tugged at my body. I wanted to pull on comfortable pajamas and crawl into bed. With Kieran. That wouldn’t happen here tonight.

  Kieran glanced at the clock on the wall oven. “I should be driving back to the city now. Thank you for having me in your home and letting me spend the day with you.”

  My mother opened a box containing a pie and lifted it onto the counter. The smell of cinnamon and apples filled the kitchen. “We haven’t had dessert yet. Won’t you spend the night? Rae planned to go back to the city tomorrow. You could drive together. Safer that way.” My mother hadn’t gotten an opportunity to grill him. That was the real reason she was asking him to stay.

  Kieran glanced at me. “Is that what you want, Rae?”

  Julia sighed dreamily, and we glanced at her.

  She covered her mouth. “Sorry, I was thinking about stuff.” When she caught my eye, she winked.

  Kieran cared about me. He asked my opinion and respected me. Maybe Julia saw in him what I did. “I’d like if you stayed. You can sleep in my bedroom, and I’ll sleep on the couch.”

  “The couch is okay with me,” he said.

  My father came into the house, and we sat at the table. He watched Kieran and me as if we’d give something away about our relationship in our actions. There was nothing more to tell.

  We were as we were.

  After dessert and saying goodbye to John and Lydia, I set Kieran up in the family room, tucking sheets around the cushions and piling some blankets on the arm of the couch, then I flicked on the fireplace.

  Julia and Tom had headed home with containers of leftovers, heavy on the desserts at my sister’s request, and my parents had gone to bed.

  I considered suggesting we drive to the city tonight. It’d be late before we got in, but then we could sleep in his big bed and fool around in the morning. But my parents would be disappointed and would blame him for our abrupt, unplanned departure. I didn’t need to give them more reasons to dislike him.

  Kieran lay on the couch, his feet hanging over the end. “You should know I haven’t met a woman’s parents in years.”

  I stretched out on top of him, letting my body melt against his. “You’re saying I’m special?” I asked with a grin.

  “You are special.” He cupped my chin, and his eyes searched mine. Furls of heat curled around me.

  I rested my head on his chest. “I’m glad you came to see me today. I was thinking about calling you.”

  He kissed the top of my hair. “Why didn’t you?”

  A direct answer eluded me. “You were there, and I’m here.”

  “My mother loved Christmas. It was a big deal to her. This day is hard for me. I miss her.”

  He hadn’t mentioned his mother in months. “Did you have a special tradition, just the two of you?”

  His arms went around me and his body relaxed, the muscles going slack beneath me. “We made cookies on Christmas Eve and went to midnight mass. On Christmas, she’d cook a huge meal and invite the neighbors over for dessert. She asked me to play the piano so we could sing carols together. I liked how simple and uncomplicated she made it.”

  “That’s what you want? Simple and uncomplicated?”

  He laughed low in his chest. “She was not simple and uncomplicated. Like you, she had layers and complexities I could never have fully understood. But that day? Yeah, that was the best. Just us and being together as a family, no drama or rushing around.”

  “Does being famous get to you? The attention and the drama?” He’d seemed above it, almost unaware of it at times, but I heard a longing in his voice that made me contemplate for the first time that he wasn’t entirely comfortable in his role as the Maestro, the symphony’s musical genius.

  He cleared his throat. “I don’t think of myself as famous. I need to meet the expectations of Glory and the symphony and impress them with my music. What scares me are the times when I don’t think I’ll ever write anything worthwhile again, and knowing that they’re waiting for it makes it worse. What if I never write anything again? Would they still want me? Would anyone?”

  The urgent need to comfort him lit up inside me. “I’ll always want you, new pieces or not. You’re not just the music to me. You’re so much more.” I kissed him, deeply and slowly, exploring his mouth with my tongue.

  He returned the kiss with bruising force, barely concealing his desire, our mouths slipping together frantically.

  “I want you to touch me,” I whispered in his ear.

  He kissed me below my ear, nibbling at the tender skin of my neck. “Do you want your father to lose it? You’re not quiet.”

  I blushed. The Maestro had no idea how crazy he made me, crazy enough to risk my father’s wrath. “I’ll be quiet.”

  He glanced at me sideways. “We’ve only had the two experiences together. Not quiet. You made my ears ring.”

  I stroked my finger down the shell of his ear. “You have sensitive ears. Let me do things to you.”

  He shook his head. “I’ll lose control. Today was hard enough. Being with you, it did something to me, and I don’t trust how I feel right now. I don’t have my instruments, but the music is very strong in my head. That happens when I need to process something important.”

  A lump formed in my throat. “Tell me how you feel.” He hadn’t said anything exactly, but he’d said much.

  He stroked my hair. “I feel close to you.”

  I stayed quiet, hoping he’d continue.

  “If I had my piano, I’d explain it better. Let me make you feel good, okay? But you have to promise to be silent.”

  He rolled me so I was pressed to the back of the couch facing him. He lifted my dress and pushed his hand into my panties. I was very, very ready for him.

  He sucked in his breath through his teeth. “When I touch you, you’re so wet.”

  “For you. Always for you.” I gripped the sleeves of his shirt, holding him to me, the fierce need to be with him pulsing through me.

  His eyes turned hot and fiery. His finger dipped between my legs and then slid inside me. His thumb worked magic as he kissed my neck, along my collarbone, and lightly bit my ear.

  Within minutes, he had me close. He sealed my mouth with his, and it had everything to do with silencing me.

  When I came apart in his arms, he banded me to him, his arms strong. Emotion choked me. I held back the tears and pushed my face against his chest. We stayed that way for a long while.

  He carried me to my bed and laid me on the sheets. I wanted more than anything for him to sleep with me. I gripped his shirt, considering persuading him to be bad and stay with me. My sister’s bed stood empty across the room. We could claim we’d slept apart.

  He removed my hands from his shirt, kissing the inside of each of my wrists. “Good night, Rae.”

  He left the room, and I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

  * * *

  The drive to New York was filled with music. Composers and musicians sent Kieran their pieces to listen to. He often did and would make comments about what he liked and what he thought could be done better. When he’d give me his notes, I’d write the sender a quick email. Many times, I received thanks for Kieran lending his opinion. He enjoyed fresh sounds and new composers and musicians.

  He shut off the music as we turned onto his street. “I haven’t finished my symphony. I threw most of it away.”

&nbs
p; Alarm slid through me. He’d been making progress. Did Vanessa rescue the music from the trash? “Why? What went wrong?”

  He scrubbed his hand across his forehead. “It bored me. I almost fell asleep while playing it.”

  My heart pounded hard, leaving me dizzy and anxious. “I heard you writing it. It wasn’t boring.”

  “Yes. Completely. It’s been two years. I need to give more than boring.” His obsession with perfection made him annoying at times to work with and remarkable to observe. He wouldn’t share anything less than a flawless piece. That had contributed to his impeccable reputation at a young age.

  The timeline worried him, and while we never discussed the reasons for the delay, rumors floated that he’d burned out.

  “Let me hear it,” I said.

  He started to hum it, then stopped. “See? Garbage.”

  I’d gotten almost nothing from those few seconds of humming. I’d press the issue again when he played at his piano. Even if he’d tossed the sheets, the music would be in his head.

  He turned into his parking spot, another rarity in this neighborhood. Once inside the house, he checked on his plants, and we worked on his music, settling into an old routine.

  We did laundry and cooked and played more music. Totally normal.

  Since school was closed for the holiday, I stayed late into the night.

  But then I needed to go home. He could be at the piano for hours.

  When I crept close to him, I knew he heard me. I did something I’d never done before. I set my hands on his shoulders, leaned against him, and whispered in his ear, “I need to get going. I’ve got to start getting organized for the trip.”

  He removed his fingers from the ivory keys and set his hands over mine. “I’ll take you home. The rental company isn’t picking up the car until tomorrow. I don’t want you going home alone at night.”

  Then he turned and pulled me into his lap. “Or you could stay the night with me.”

  “Not tonight.”

  He kissed me softly on the lips. “Let me get the keys.”

  We existed in a place that I couldn’t entirely define. He opened the car door for me, but he didn’t hold my hand while we drove.

  Kieran parked along the yellow curb and carried my suitcase to the landing outside my apartment. The lock on the door was latched, but when I opened it, inside my place was ice cold.

  Panic struck me. Had someone broken in?

  The window was closed and unbroken.

  I’d expected two plus days without opening the door would make it a sauna inside.

  Kieran set my suitcase, now filled with clean clothes I’d laundered at his house, close to my bed.

  I checked the thermostat. The dial was set to sixty-seven, but my breath practically fogged in the air.

  I called Greg. “My apartment is freezing.”

  “Heat’s been out for three days. The landlord sent someone over who needed to order a part. It’ll be another couple of days. He brought over oil-filled radiators. Give him a call, I’m sure he’ll bring one by.”

  With the size of my place, an oil-filled radiator would probably work decently.

  Kieran watched me. “My place is warmer, and you could fit everything in this apartment into my guest room.”

  If I could get the temperature back up to the sixties, I’d be okay. “This place isn’t great, but I told you, I’m saving for a condo.”

  “You could save faster if you lived with me.”

  I sucked in my breath, and my knees locked. Had he thought about that statement before he said it?

  That sounded like an offer to move in with him, which was a dozen steps past where we were. Saving for my own place meant the arrangement would be temporary, but Kieran didn’t get how much his words shook me.

  Already half in love with him, I couldn’t move in with him, fool around with him, and then, when I’d saved enough, move out and feel nothing about the whole experience.

  If Kieran were my boyfriend, that would be a huge step. For him, moving in, however temporarily, centered on providing a pragmatic resolution: I lived in an old, cold, dark place, and I needed to save money to buy another one. He had the room, and since we’d spent a few nights together without issue, we’d operate out of the same location.

  My heart raced, and I drew in a deep breath, trying to slow my adrenaline. “I need to think about that,” I said. “People would talk.” Living with Kieran would destroy the distance I’d tried to put between us.

  He shrugged. “People always talk.”

  “Would I be your tenant? Assistant? Live-in lover?”

  “Maybe a little bit my tenant. Not my assistant. And we aren’t lovers according to you.”

  Not yet. We were creeping in that direction. “I’ll think about it.”

  “Come home with me until the heat is fixed,” he said, wrapping his big, strong arms around me, making it hard to decline.

  My apartment was cold, but his arms were warm. I took out the two additional suitcases I owned, and he helped me pack. I’d only travel with one suitcase, but I needed other stuff. I pulled out the box from under my bed where I kept my clothes.

  Kieran held up a pink bra. “I haven’t seen you wear this.”

  No one had. “I know.”

  He frowned. “Do you always wear lingerie like this under your clothes?”

  My heart leapt, and a bright flare of excitement lit inside me. “I bought them with you in mind. To bring some sensuality to your life. It can’t be all music all the time. Your eyes need something. Your skin too. I think I deserve your appreciation for that. For making you more well-rounded.”

  He threw his head back and laughed. “Thank you for that. You manage it well. Then you agree you’ll move in with me? Because my mouth and hands might be bored too.” He reached for me.

  I giggled and dodged out of his reach. “Just until the heat is fixed.”

  His expression told me he’d heard what he’d wanted to hear. But the biggest risk was mine. If I stayed with him long enough, I might never want to leave.

  11

  I’d spent New Year’s Eve with Kieran the last four years, but tonight would be different.

  Kieran had been invited to ten parties. In years past, I’d come to see these events as professional engagements, and I ignored the kisses at midnight and proclamations of love and adventure in the new year.

  This year, I wasn’t included in his invitations. I doubted anyone would say anything out loud to him if he brought me, but then questions would be raised about the exact nature of our relationship, and I’d spend the whole night explaining it.

  We’d been living together since the day after Christmas. The heat had since been fixed in my apartment, but I hadn’t been back. I couldn’t decide if I’d convinced myself I was on vacation or if this was what I wanted permanently.

  I had to settle that conversation with myself first before bringing it up to Kieran, and in truth, hearing his response might shred me. What if, after having me around so much, he wanted me to move out? Would my vulnerable heart understand that or shatter again?

  Showing up in his bed night after night wouldn’t make him fall in love with me, and I had to be careful to remember that.

  Living together, we’d been doing couple-y things, and New Year’s Eve was the ultimate couple’s event.

  When I rolled that around in my thoughts, I couldn’t draw a full breath, as if I’d chased the dream with everything I had, but it eluded me, prevented me from truly holding on to it.

  I watched Kieran getting ready for his fancy party. He’d shaved and put something in his hair to keep it away from his face. His tuxedo fit across his wide shoulders, and his pants accentuated the leanness of his legs. He rubbed his jawline, drawing my focus to his firm mouth and his powerful hands. Fingers and lips I wanted on my body. I craved being in his arms, even if it was just fooling around with him. I shoved away those thoughts and wrestled for control of my desire.

  “Is Vanessa
attending the party with you?” At least if she was, he wouldn’t be kissing her at midnight. She was involved with David Malone, but keeping it from Kieran.

  He straightened his tie in the mirror. “I didn’t ask her, but I assume she has other plans.”

  “Why this party over all the others?” I asked.

  “You know the drill. Guest list. Those closest to the symphony.”

  I squirmed uncomfortably having suspected that answer. In my experience, one of his admirers would be attending and would linger around him at midnight, hoping for a kiss. A New Year’s Eve kiss didn’t count as a big deal, not between people who weren’t a couple, but the idea of his mouth on another woman bothered me immensely.

  I flipped the invitation over in my hand. The tan paper had embossing and cursive lettering. No electronic invitations for Kieran.

  The address was located in Times Square. “If you’re on the right side of the building, you’ll be able to see the ball drop from this place.”

  “I’ll watch an electronic ball move down a stick. There will be screaming. I understand.” He sounded grumpy and massaged his temples.

  “Is that not fun?”

  He faced me, and the creases in his forehead deepened. “What do you think I want to be doing tonight?”

  “Composing. Resting your ears. Packing for the trip.”

  “You, Rae. I want to be doing you. I want to be in bed with you, and I want to try something new that I never have before.”

  Something new? My body heated, and lust took full possession of me. What was new that we hadn’t tried? One big thing stood out in my mind, obviously. It’d never been the right moment yet.

  He tugged at his tie. “But instead, I’ll be stuck in a room filled with people I’ve seen every week for the last year. I want to stay here and be with my latest fascination. Just get into bed and stay there all night.”

  His word choice, “latest fascination,” preyed on an insecurity I harbored. I’d drawn his attention because I was new and novel. How long would that last? “I’ll be here going over the travel arrangements. If you get bored, come home early.” I struggled to say the words bubbling inside me. Blow it off. Stay here with me. Or if you must go, come home as soon as you can get away.