I waited until it was quiet again. My hands pushed my hair back from my face and kept my eyes covered because I needed to think.
What I really need is time away from all this.
I decided to go home for the day instead of waiting around in silence. The more I think, the more anxious I will get and that will just give me an attack for sure. I might as well be with people and do other things to keep my mind off the terrible situation.
Alara was the first to find me at the door. It’s been two weeks since I’ve been home and it was unexpected this time. Now I was angry and needed somewhere to hide for a little while. Thank goodness my parents are nice enough to keep my room just the way I left it.
“Your room is still a mess, Aurora.” My mom said plainly as she drank her coffee.
She just doesn’t understand that my room is a representation of my life right now.
If I could clean it, I would, it’s just going to take me a while.
“It’s great to be home.” I sighed quietly as Alara pulled me around like she does when I come home. Usually she wants to go somewhere but lately she’s been busy which is surprising.
Looks like she gave up her habit of forgetting about school and starting her own life.
She sat down and pulled me down with her on the couch. “You’re never going to cut your hair again are you?” She asked since all she could stare at was my head.
I’m really not myself anymore and I’m trying to fix it but I’m at that point in my life where I don’t care and I don’t want to care. I can’t seem to find a reason to pick myself up anymore and its only been a couple weeks. My hair is getting out of control, almost reaching down to my shoulders and getting so wavy to the point that I want to take scissors and cut it myself. I have to constantly wear a head band to keep my bangs back since they’re too long, my hair is turning silver from the stress as well. Don’t get me started on how I haven’t been eating again.
“You seem extremely happy.” I said quietly as she took a hair tie from her wrist and reached up to pull my hair.
“I get my license in a few months.” She said, excited.
She finally found something that she actually wanted to do. It’s not like anyone in our family works for the Department of Health but she can be the first as a physician assistant. She loves it more than anything else. Finally I don’t have to keep watching her and warning her about her wanting to work with the Department of Defense.
“So I was thinking...” She said, still in thought, as she tied my hair up, “...about what I should get you for your birthday and-”
“I don’t want anything.” I stopped her.
I’m not much for birthdays anymore. I would rather keep it as quiet as possible. The last good birthday I had was when I was thirteen, after that my birthday seemed like just another day. I’m getting old, that’s it.
“Well that doesn’t work since you got me a crazy gift for mine.” She said.
“Alright, you know what I want, Alara? We can just go somewhere, just the two of us and go wild.”
Her eyes lit up and she sat up. She’s still as party pronged as ever. She loves going out and doing things she thinks is fun.
“That seems more like something I would want.”
“But let’s not go out on that day, probably this weekend would be better.”
“Wow. Aurora.” She looked proud. “Looks like you finally snapped.”
She has no idea.
I have a habit of hiding away when things get tough. Sometimes I need to separate myself from what’s going on, to have time to think, so I don’t go crazy with fear or hatred or anxiety. I feel fine tuning everything out but that doesn’t solve the problem. It doesn’t fix anything.
“Anything new I should know about? My friends love hearing about your life.”
And yet another person loves talking. I rolled my eyes and sighed as I got up to go to my room.
Alara followed, like usual, and pushed my stuff that was on my bed to the floor. She was waiting for me to tell her things about my life when I should be asking about hers. I guess I need to vent or something. The more I bottle up my stress, it will only be a matter of time before I blow up.
“Well, the new Head of Defense is patronizing everyone because he can. He doesn’t go to the right departments for what he needs.” I complained.
“You never did.”
“And how would you know that?” I looked at her as I sat down in bed. She looked away but her expression was so guilty.
“Sirus tells me a lot of things that you won’t.”
That right there is one of my big problems. I tell Alara over and over again that she shouldn’t be talking to him. He could fill her mind with a bunch of lies and terrible ideas but she does it anyway.
“But how are things with him?” She asked. My eyes widened. “You thought I didn’t know? You’re wearing a shirt that’s not even your size.” She pointed out.
I had to make sure she didn’t say anything to anyone. “Alara-”
“You still keep me in the dark, Aurora. And I mean, it’s your life and all, but I’m curious.” She said but that didn’t make me feel better. She smiled after a few seconds.
“If there was something to tell, I would tell you, but I don’t have anything.” I shrugged.
Her genuine smile turned smug. “Why do you stay with him?”
“I can’t get my own place yet.”
“The clothes?”
“I didn’t bring a lot of my own.”
“The hickey on your neck?”
My hand darted to where I felt the heat on my neck, mostly to cover it up but it was too late. I get that Alara is curious and all but I don’t want to answer her questions.
On occasion, I do live with Sirus. I wear his clothes when I don’t have any. We do things together.
And as much as I wanted to tell her it’s not more than that, I can’t because there’s more than that.
“Look who’s blushing.” She smiled widely and laid down in my bed.
I wasn’t going to explain anything to her.
“If you’re going to stay for a couple days, you’re going to need some of those clothes you say you don’t have.” She pointed out.
I rolled my eyes. I’m not going to answer anymore of her questions and I hoped that she wouldn’t bring up anything that had to do with my life while I’m here. I would prefer to keep the talk about what I do with Sirus to a minimum but more and more people are learning and figuring it out.
I only went back to Sirus’ place to get a few of my things and to return the clothes I was borrowing. For some reason, I just forgot I had my own clothes and a lot of other stuff over at Sirus’ place. I can’t remember how long I’ve been over. What I thought was a few things was actually a lot more.
I rubbed my face with the sleeve of my sweater and tried to think. Now that it’s quiet again, I can find something else to worry about. My health isn’t getting that much better. Maybe I should go in and talk to Phoebe.
The only thing is that I have no way to tell her what’s causing me stress. I can’t tell her that I’m playing a part in the rebellion in the most illegal way possible.
I sighed quietly and got up. My bags weren’t finished but it seemed like I had a bit of time. That was before I heard voices outside the room. And someone was crying.
Already I knew why.
I walked out to find the most untrustful group of five wandering in. Alya was seconds away from screeching as she rubbed her eyes. And the first thing I thought was that she left the contacts in for too long. She had her hand over one eye, and I saw the tears as she complained about how bad it hurt.
I was so mad earlier that I didn’t officially warn them how these contacts were just prototypes and could cause damage. I don’t even think Sirus mentioned anything because Alya got the contact stuck in her eye.
I went over to her and moved her hand so I could help her take it out. Her eye was blood shot red and filled with tears. S
he definitely did leave the contacts in for too long, I could see a brown streak on the lens; they malfunctioned or fried but they were hurting her eye either way. I was careful to not touch her eye but the contact felt a little harder than it should’ve been and I did have to take it out. She continued to whine to me, almost wailing as I did my best to reduce the pain while taking out the contact.
The second I got it out, she rushed off to the kitchen to move over the sink and pour water in her eye.
The contact had streaks of brown in it from being on for too long. I hope that she’ll still be able to see.
Now they know that these aren’t toys.
I refused to speak to them even if they wanted to talk to me. It’s not like I had a lot to say to them. The other four blocked my path so I couldn’t walk away, and they made it seem so subtle too like they weren’t bullying me but they actually were.
What could they possibly tell me?
“So, we have a lot to say actually.” Orion said but I didn’t respond. I waited quietly because I didn’t want to speak. “Everyone who’s had their tablets reset already are linked and it’s easy to identify them since they glow yellow through the contacts.” He explained.
“Compared to the population we worked with today, not a lot of people are affected.” Lunar said.
“However, the numbers are still high because people aren’t supposed to get affected by a glitch this bad.” Altair continued.
“It looks like anything that has reset isn’t permanently linked to the system; they’re seen and everything but most of their information is linked somewhere else.” Sirus said.
Well where would it be linked to...
Oh my God.
I closed my eyes and sighed, already knowing what caused another problem.
I keep making mistake after mistake. Now I have to reconfigure my tablet again to fix another issue that wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t tamper around. Why is this happening to me?
If I can fix it, then no one will be able to trace anything back to me.
“I’ll fix it.” I said quietly.
Alya came back over to me as if I really needed to check on her. I’m trying to understand why they rely on me so much, I am not their parent. Unfortunately, I didn’t want Alya to suffer so I did make sure her eye was okay. Her face was wet from the water, a few strands of her black hair mashing to her skin.
She tilted her head down so I could look at her eye. I can’t see any physical damage which should be a good sign.
“Can you see?” I asked.
“Yeah, it just hurts a lot.” She said.
“I sort of forgot to tell you that you shouldn’t keep the contacts on in your eyes for longer than three hours-”
“Oh we all knew that.” Orion spoke up.
“That one just forgot.” Altair laughed behind us.
Alya had shame written all over her face. I shouldn’t be surprised considering how forgetful she can actually be especially when it comes to things that can handicap her life. For now, she only has one working contact lens.
I wasn’t going to make new pairs unless I felt like it. Though I might have to redo the ones that are made so they can properly read the new configuration. When I actually get around to it.
It seems really important so I should work on it tonight.
“Well, I should get going. Janus has my sector looking for traitors.” Lunar said as she whipped around. “Makes me feel like a double agent or something.” She laughed loudly and walked away to leave.
“We could all potentially be snitches.” Orion said.
The four of them looked at each other quietly before all confirming, “That ain’t me.”
“You do know you’re telling me everything without reporting any of what you say to Janus, right?” I pointed out to them. “You’re an accessory to my crimes.” I also had to add because now they’re about to be as deep in as I am.
“I forgot you’re a criminal.” Alya laughed, covering her mouth and turning around to hide her face.
I don’t get why it’s so funny.
And I had to remind myself that I didn’t want to talk to any of them for putting me in a bad position. Although I wouldn’t have known about the link if they hadn’t told me in the first place. I sort of needed to learn that.
“I should get going, too.” Altair said, hiding his laughter as he walked by me and Alya.
It’s not funny.
“If you need any more help, you can call. You know we don’t mind helping out.” Orion said as he pulled Alya along with him.
And now there was one.
I stared at Sirus, wanting to know if he planned to apologize for not keeping quiet like I asked him. Deep down, I know I was asking for too much since he doesn’t apologize for a lot of things unless he wants to get on my good side. He just stared back without the intentions of saying anything.
I wasn’t going to complain.
I wasn’t going to yell either.
I shouldn’t expect so much. That’s how I get disappointed. And to be honest, I guess it was a big help to have the others around too. I would just really appreciate it if he wouldn’t advertise everything I do as a game or anything I make as toys. This is serious and I would appreciate if he would act like it was.
I didn’t say anything as I walked by him, going to finish packing my stuff so I could leave. I could hear him following behind me, and he was just about to say something about earlier.
“Are you serious?” He asked when I zipped my bag. “Are you still mad about earlier?”
“No, actually I’m not.” I answered plainly as I lifted a strap over my shoulder.
“So you’re leaving.”
“You’re really clingy and I need space from you.” I didn’t change my expression but it was a joke. He just didn’t like how I said it. “I promised my sister I would come home for a couple days.”
“Huh.”
I don’t know what else he wants from me but I have nothing else.
He came closer to me and usually this would be a great time to run away but I didn’t. I’m not scared of him and it didn’t look like he would threaten me.
“Look, I’m...” He sighed and looked away. “I’m sorry for saying something, okay. I just know we could use the help.”
“We?”
Since when was this an us thing?
“You think I’m gonna let you do this by yourself?” He asked. Well its nice of him and all but I would prefer if I don’t bring other people down with me.
“I know you’re just trying to be nice and compassionate to see if I’m lying about going home.” I mentioned because I caught on. “And I guess you’re not wrong when you say we could use the help.”
All he wanted to hear was that he was right.
“I’m also still mad.” I added and he groaned obnoxiously. “I would just really like to have a heads up when you want to involve more people because I’m pretty much responsible for anything that happens.” I explained.
“Okay.”
He’s not actually listening.
“I’m still going home though.” I didn’t want him to get the idea that this makes everything okay. I’m still mad, but not so mad that it’s eating me alive. “I just...I’m hoping to have a break from all the panicking and anxiety.”
It hurts and for once, he knows that. The suffering isn’t so bad when there’s someone there to help.
But I also don’t want to worry him so much with how I can’t deal with my own problems. I’m constantly going through something and he has to be there to watch me to make sure I don’t really suffocate.
“Okay.” He repeated.
This time it felt like he was listening. What’s surprising was that he wasn’t trying to stop me.
When did he turn out to be this way? I’ve never felt so reassured in my life and it’s a little worrisome. Sirus is never usually understanding; I wonder what he’s thinking.
Would he ever tell me?
Before
I could say something else, he came closer to kiss me, his hand resting on my face lightly. I wasn’t shocked or confused.
This was the only part of the day that really felt okay. And it made me want to drop everything and forget that I was mad.
The one thing that I had to keep in mind was that I have to stop letting Sirus get his way. He can’t just kiss me or have sex with me then think that everything is okay because I enjoyed it. I was still mad. Not as much as before but I was mad regardless.
The point is that he has to talk to me, tell me things, warn me.
I need to know what happens now because anything could happen.
These are the things I worried about and if I wasn’t careful, my anger would just slip away as if I never felt it in the first place.
So Sirus can kiss me all he wants and I will gladly return the favor, but this doesn’t fix anything. The more he realized that, the more he put in a little effort. It was just enough to make me worried, to convince me that he might be trying to reassure me.
“Sirus...” I murmured against his lips.
I had to be careful. My heart was beginning to speed up and I felt my hands getting a little clammy. Its like I’m about to suffer another panic attack. How would I be able to get through this one?
Sirus stopped himself, but he didn’t move away. I could still feel his breath on my skin as he breathed slowly. I was so nervous that it was a little worrisome. Sirus is always this close to me and usually it never bothers me. Maybe that’s not why I felt like I was drowning. Sirus kept close, his forehead pressing on mine, his hand still pressing on my cheek.
“I...” I couldn’t breathe. “I c-can’t...” I could barely speak.
It’s hard dealing with something this terrible. It’s beginning to affect all parts of my life. To think that it’s gotten so bad that I couldn’t even talk to Sirus. And when I felt terrible about it, my anxiety got worse.
Why am I like this?
What happened to me?
Sirus didn’t try to over step his boundaries with me. When I’m struggling he barely says anything to me; he just lets me deal with it without smothering me and asking questions. So now I wasn’t surprised when he put distance between us, turning away to give me a chance to get myself together.
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