Most of all I saw how comfortable and content Mommy was in Mr. Kotes's company. There were very few people whom she tolerated, much less liked. I told Noble that if she liked Mr. Kotes, we should, but that well of stubbornness inside him was still too deep to permit compromise. The only thing that did worry me was the fact that I had not seen Daddy's spirit again. However. I did remind myself that if Mr. Kotes's presence in our home and his keeping us company was the reason Daddy's spirit stayed away. Mommy would surely be the Est to know.
I didn't have the courage to put it exactly like that. but I did come to her one night and ask her why I hadn't seen Daddy's spirit for so long. She put down the book she was reading and looked at me quietly, calmly, her eyes blinking slowly. I could almost hear and feel the thoughts rising up in her.
"He's waiting for Noble," she said. "waiting for Noble to be able to cross over."
"But that's not fair to me. Mommy," I said.
Her eyes seemed to snap, and she turned sharply to me.
"How can you say such a thing? How could you think only of yourself? I have told you what danger there is for your brother."
"Well, what should I do?" I whined.
"Be patient," she replied. "Just be patient."
She returned to her book. and I left feeling more confused and full of trepidation than ever.
All during the time she was with Mr. Kotes and he was with us. I was keen to hear how Mommy would tell him about the spirits, about our family, about our powers. I listened in on one conversation when they discussed spiritual energy and the power of psychics. I was surprised at how much Mr. Kotes believed or said he believed. I could tell Mommy was very happy about that. What she was doing was gradually easing him into our world, revealing a little more each time, as if she knew what he could accept and what he couldn't.
I knew they laughed about how the people in the community talked about Mommy. I overheard that conversation, too. I wasn't exactly spying on them all the time. Well, maybe I was.
"I can tell you many people are surprised I'm seeing you as much as I am. Sarah," Mr. Kotes told her,
"I know your sister is one of them,' she said. "I hear how she feels whenever she calls here for you."
"Well, she's just overly worried about me all the time. that's all.
"Maybe you shouldn't come around so often. Taylor;" she said sharply to him.
"The day I let the busybodies in this community determine what I do and don't do will be one sad day for me," he replied. "And that includes my sister,"
She liked that.
She liked him more and more, and with every passing day of growing affection between them. I sensed Daddy's distance from us growing as well. Sometimes it felt like a light dwindling or a shadow retreating into the woods, shrinking until it was barely visible anymore.
Daddy's dying a second time. I thought. It was an idea that came bursting upon me, making me shudder. I dreamed of his coffin, the lid closing down firmly. His voice was muffled within, his cries diminishing. I saw myself desperately trying to pry it open until my fingers bled.
It woke me with a start. I might even have screamed. I didn't know for sure. Noble moaned in his sleep. Was he having the same nightmare? Was Mommy right about our sharing of thoughts and feelings, even when we slept?
I sat up in a sweat and caught my breath, Then I lowered myself back to the pillow, but I kept my eyes open for the longest time, falling asleep again only after I thought I had heard Daddy's voice softly say. "Don't worry. Soon it will all be all right."
I had no idea what "soon" meant. As for Mr. Kotes, he continued to come to see us often, and finally Mommy agreed to his taking us all out to dinner, as long as it wasn't a restaurant in the nearby community.
"I don't want to see the busybodies gaping at us, Taylor." she told him, and he said he understood.
Traveling to another community to go out to eat was at least something that pleased Noble. He wasn't as sullen, and he was, of course, very interested in everything he could see along the way and when we arrived. He even asked questions and listened with Mr. Kotes gave him answers. Mommy seemed to be pleased about all that.
Since she would never permit us to have a babysitter from the community, Mr. Kotes always had to take us along whenever he wanted to take Mommy somewhere. It was either doing that or eating at our house. There was talk between them about taking us on a trip to New York City to see the Bronx Zoo, which filled Noble's eves with excitement,
"We could go there and back in one day easily, if you want. Sarah," he told her.
Noble was pleading with his eyes, urging Mommy to agree,
"We'll see," she said with some real interest in her eve, which at least gave him some hope.
Despite his reluctance and efforts to remain aloof and disinterested in Mr. Kotes. Noble was succumbing. I saw it happening more and more. He no longer complained about him sitting in Daddy's chair, and he began to use the magnifying glass again. Soon after that, he was openly using all the tools Mr. Kotes had given him earlier.
He even began to look forward to Mr. Kotes coming to see us, anticipating that he would be bringing something new each time. It was on the tip of my tongue to ask Noble why he didn't think about Daddy as much anymore. Wasn't he afraid he would never, ever see Daddy's spirit or speak with him again? I was afraid to ask these questions, afraid he would just go running to Mommy to tell her.
Actually, I was more surprised at Mommy. Didn't she think that the more Noble grew to like Mr. Kotes, the less chance he would have to cross over and see Daddy's spirit? Why would this occur to me and not to her?
I was building up my courage to ask her that.
It was a question teasing at the tip of my mind, threatening to burst out on its own if I didn't agree to phrase it myself soon.
I was truly about to do that finally.
But I didn't get the chance. and I didn't have to ask after all.
The answer was already written in the darkness, scribbled on the wind, circling the house and preparing to enter our hearts.
We had only to listen.
6
"Someone Pushed Me"
.
It happened the night of our ninth birthday,
which to me made it even more significant. Mommy made a special dinner and a wonderful chocolate fudge cake with our names spelled out in vanilla icing. When Daddy was with us, our birthday parties were usually big events. He would bring us more gifts than we received on Christmas. Mommy always complained about how he was spoiling us, but he was undeterred.
"Birthdays are days that by definition are meant to spoil children," he said. "It makes them feel special, makes them feel significant and loved."
"Our children feel that every day of their lives," Mommy countered.
"I'm sure they do, but birthdays are still
different. Sarah. Fm surprised you don't remember
your own when you were their age and how important
all that was to you."
"I don't have anything foolish to remember. My
parents weren't foolish people," she remarked. Even when I was very little. I remember
wondering what that meant. Didn't Mommy have
birthday parties. too?
"They were if they didn't treat you extra special
on your birthday," Daddy asserted.
She couldn't slow him down when it came to
lavishing love upon Noble and me, no matter what
warnings she had received from her spiritual world or
fears of evil eyes she pronounced. His voice was the
loudest singing "Happy Birthday'. to us, and he looked
as excited and anxious to see our presents as we did.
Whether they were his or ours, birthdays turned him
into a little boy again,
Maybe Mommy was remembering all that, or
maybe Daddy had come to her and told her to do it,
but this time she decided to make us a real p
arry and
not just a cake. We had no friends to invite, but
Mommy had us decorate the dining room with crepe
paper and balloons Mr. Kotes brought. One of his
presents. which Mommy permitted to our surprise,
was a clown-magician who arrived just at the start of
our dinner party, Mr. Kotes had located and paid for
him, as well.
Noble was fascinated with the tricks, the way
he found money in his ear, pulled strings of thin
balloons out of his throat, made cards disappear,
poured water down his sleeve and didn't get wet, and then popped a baby rabbit out of a bouquet of fake flowers, Mr. Kotes said the rabbit was ours to keep. too. One of our presents was a cage for it, but one day
Noble let it out and we never saw it again.
After the clown-magician left, we had our
dinner, and then Mommy lit the candles. Ever since
we were old enough to blow out candles, we did it
together, Noble on one side and me on the other. As
soon as we did it. Mommy and Mr. Kotes began to
sing "Happy Birthday to You," and I looked off to the
corner and saw Daddy standing there. smiling. I was
absolutely positive I did. I turned quickly to Mommy,
who smiled and nodded at me, and then I looked at
Noble in hopeful anticipation. His attention was on
our gifts, and even though he was looking in Daddy's
direction, he didn't appear to see him.
After the singing. Daddy was gone. I felt like
crying even though we had so much happiness around
us. Noble began to rip open gifts, lunging for another
one as soon as he saw what the one in his hands was,
especially if it was clothes. I was given clothes
mostly, and more books to read. The gift that made
Noble the happiest was a set of electric trains from
Mr. Kotes. He was so excited about it, he gobbled
down his cake and anxiously waited for the rest of us to finish. Mr. Kotes had volunteered to help him get it all set up in the living room. where Mommy had said they could be, on the floor beneath the grandfather's clock that never banged or ticked. So many things in our house were there just because they were always
there.
Noble and Mr. Kotes went in and began to
connect the tracks. While they did that, I went into the
kitchen to help Mommy with the dishes, but really to
tell her I had seen Daddy again, finally.
"I though you had," she said. "I could see it in
your face.
Celeste," she said.
"Didn't you, too?" I asked, a little confused. "Sometimes, on very special occasions, the
spirits can select whom they want to see them, and
even if you have the gift, you might not see them. I
think your daddy wanted to give you something
special. It was his gift.
"But --" She paused as if just realizing
something. She shook her head. "I couldn't see any
awareness in Noble's face, and it is his birthday. too.
Why wasn't he given a special gift?
That is it?" she asked, pounding her hand so
hard on the sink. I was sure she hurt herself. "What
am I doing wrong?"
"It's not your fault. Mommy. Noble's just not
ready," I said and held my breath. Whenever I talked
about Noble's failure, it was like walking on thin ice. She turned to me after a moment and told me to
join Noble and Mr. Kotes. I had the feeling she hadn't
heard what I had just said.
"If s your birthday, too," she told me. "You
don't have to work in the kitchen tonight."
"I don't mind helping you. Mommy."
"Just go. I need to be alone for a few moments,"
she said sharply.
I left feeling like I had been slapped. I certainly
wasn't feeling like the birthday girl. Mommy didn't
want me around her, and when I went into the living
room. Mr. Kotes and Noble paid little attention to me.
Suddenly Mr. Kotes had turned into a boy again, it
seemed. and Noble looked more comfortable and
happy about him than ever. When they actually got
the train going, they were both ecstatic.
As I watched them. I wondered, was Mr. Kotes
going to become our daddy? Was it terrible even to
think such a thing? He was doing everything our
daddy had done: helped make our party, bought us
presents. helped Mommy around the house, took us for rides, everything. What happens to people who die and get replaced? Do their spirits get shut out? Do
they disappear entirely and forever?
Noble's happy laughter shattered my thoughts. I
could feel the questions floating down around me like
deflated balloons.
The little engine sent up tiny puffs of smoke
and had lights. There was a way to switch the track
and make the whole train go in a different direction. "I'll have to get you an engineer's cap," Mr.
Kotes told Noble. "You're good at it."
Noble looked up at me. his face beaming. "You wanna work the controls?" he asked me. I
joined him, and he started to give me orders. "Make it go faster, Now slower. Stop and put it
in reverse. I wish we could go around a bigger circle,"
he added, already wanting more.
"You add to the set as you go along," Mr. Kotes
explained, standing and looking down at the train
chugging around the tracks. "Although I bet your
mother isn't going to want to give up any more of her
living room." he added. seeing Mommy standing in
the doorway with a strangely distant look in her eyes.
Then she realized we were all looking at her and
waiting for her to speak.
"We'll move it when we have to," she said.
"Maybe into the garage."
"Is everything all right, Sarah?" Mr. Kotes
asked.
Lately, I had noticed how sensitive he was to
Mommy's moods and how important it was to him
that he make her happy all the time.
"Yes, of course," she said. "Everything is just
fine. Better than fine," she added and smiled. "I'm glad," he said, looking relieved.
There held each other's gaze for a moment, and
then Mommy put on music they both liked. She and
Mr. Kotes sat and watched the two of us working the
train set.
"I think this is the best birthday we ever had,"
Noble whispered, which surprised me.
Even with a clown, decorations, and all these
presents, how could it be the best birthday without
Daddy?
I wasn't sure if Mommy had heard him or not,
but she looked as if she had. and I thought she had
turned sad.
Eventually I grew bared with the trains and
started to read one of my new books. Noble was upset
that I wasn't paying attention to his train, and then Mommy decided it was time we went to bed. He whined and groaned and begged to stay up later, but she was firm about it, so we straightened up the living
room and then went upstairs.
"I don't know why we have to sleep so much,"
Noble complained. "Why can't we just take naps once
in a while?"
It wouldn't be enough. We'd be too tired all the
time." I said.
As if he thought he could rush the night into
m
orning, he hurriedly brushed his teeth and changed
into his pajamas in the bathroom. Then I did. By the
time I came out. Noble looked asleep. I guessed he
hadn't realized how tired he actually was. Happy
times make you tired too, I thought.
I crawled into bed and pulled the covers up to
my chin.
That was it like to have a birthday that was only
yours? I wondered, and then I wondered if it was
selfish of me to think about such a thing. All my short
life. I had known only sharing with Noble. I suppose
nothing would seem right for me if it weren't that way
always.
It was a good day, I decided. I could hear
Mommy and Mr. Kotes below, their voices muffled, but occasionally their laughter louder. I struggled to keep my eyes open because I kept hoping Daddy would appear again. Why did he have to stand in a corner, and why did he go so quickly? I wondered. Again, it made me question whether or not I had really seen him. Mommy's explanation about his giving me something special made sense, and yet it surprised me that she couldn't see him. too. Maybe I had wanted to so much. I just imagined it. I thought
sadly.
My eyes closed and opened, closed and opened.
Vaguely. I thought I heard the sound of footsteps on
the stairway. I heard whispering, and then I heard
Mommy's bedroom door open and close. I tried to
stay awake to listen more, but sleep was like a heavy
black sheet being drawn over me. Try as much as I
wanted. I couldn't push it away.
At least not until I heard the sound of Mommy
screaming at someone. It came from downstairs, "What are you saying?' she was shouting.
"What are you saying?"
My eves snapped open. and I looked around,
surprised that it was still very dark. The clock said
two thirty-five. Why was Mommy talking to someone
on the phone this late? I gazed over at Noble, but he
was still, his back to me.
I rose slowly and went to the doorway.
Mommy's voice was shrill now, and she sounded like
she was crying and saying, "No, no, that can't be." Slowly, I emerged from the room and started
down the stairway. I heard her hang up the phone and
then go into the living room. I reached the bottom of
the stairway just as she started shouting again,
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