“You’re bleeding,” North said, echoing my thoughts. “Now pull up that stupid shirt and let me have a look, Kris.”
“No.” I shook my head emphatically and scooted farther away from him.
North first looked hurt, then angry. “Don’t you think you’re taking this whole Victorian modesty thing too far? Or is it just that you’re ashamed to let me see you?”
I crossed my arms over my chest protectively. “Neither. I just…I can look at it myself. When we get back to the house.”
“I think you’re ashamed of something,” North said softly. “Look, Kris, before Jamie died, his body was pretty twisted up by the cancer, so I’ve seen some pretty bad things.”
“What are you saying?” I said, still keeping my distance.
“I’m saying that no matter what you’re hiding under that shirt, you don’t have to be ashamed for me to see it.” North’s voice was soft and coaxing. “It won’t make me feel any differently about you, I swear. Please, Kris…trust me.”
How I wished I could! But the dream was still with me—the figure of Kristopher with his empty eyes and bloody stump rose before me and I couldn’t.
“I’m sorry, North,” I said. “I want to but I can’t.”
The tender look in his eyes faded to be replaced by a cold and steely glint. “That’s really how you feel? After everything I told you yesterday? After everything we’ve been through together? I trusted you, you know. Trusted you a hell of a lot.”
“I know and I’m sorry,” I said again, feeling wretched. It was woefully inadequate but I didn’t know what else to say.
North rose to his feet and ran a hand through his wet hair. “Maybe this was all a mistake.”
“What was?” My heart was pounding in my throat, making it hard to swallow or talk.
“This…all of it. Us.” He gestured at me. “Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to tell you everything I told you yesterday, Kris? Not just about Jamie. About how I feel for you…for another guy?” He shook his head. “I was afraid you would throw my words back in my face. But no. You said…” He lowered his voice and looked at me. “You said you felt the same.”
“I did,” I whispered, choking on the words. “I do. Oh, North…”
“If you really felt for me what I feel for you, you’d trust me. I…” He ran a hand through his hair. “Damn it, I bared my soul to you yesterday, Kris. Twice. And just now we nearly died out there by the breakwall because you couldn’t even take your shirt off in front of me. Are you beginning to see the disparity?”
I saw it all right. But there was nothing I could do about it. Miserably, I nodded.
North took a deep breath, as though steeling himself to say something difficult. “I’m sorry, Kris, but until you can show me what you’re hiding, until you can trust me the way I trusted you, I don’t think I can do this. I think maybe…maybe we should just go back to being friends and roommates and nothing more.”
It was exactly what I had been aiming for—the words I had been too cowardly to say myself. And yet, hearing them from his lips felt like a knife in my gut.
“All right,” I heard myself whisper, though I don’t know where I got the strength to form the words.
North looked sad. “You’re really not going to tell me or show me? You’re going to give up on us—just like that?”
“You’re the one who’s giving up,” I said dully. “Not that I blame you.” I fumbled at my ear, the one pierced with his silver and onyx stud. “Here, I’ll give you this back.”
“No, keep it.” North’s mouth thinned down to a bloodless line and he shook his head. “I want you to have it…to remember.”
“As if I could ever forget.”
North gave me a long look. “Come on. Let’s get back to the house so you can examine your injuries in private.” The word sounded bitter coming from his lips. “Although I warn you,” he continued, “If you pass out and start hemorrhaging all over the place I’m going to rip off that damn shirt and examine you myself. So you’d better stay alert if you want to keep whatever it is you’re hiding to yourself.”
I nodded, having nothing else to say.
North was apparently all talked out too. Turning, he led the way down the rocky path to his house. Clutching my wounded side with my arms, I stumbled after him.
Lost. I’ve lost him, whispered a voice in my head and I knew it was true.
Though my side ached and throbbed with every step, it didn’t hurt nearly as much as my heart.
Chapter Thirty-three
“So how was your Winter Break? A little bird told me that you and North spent it together.” Wilkenson hooked his arm through mine as we walked down the long hallway of the science building together.
I winced as his arm brushed my wounded side. The blood North had seen on the beach had been from some scratches I’d gotten from the sea thorns. They were almost healed already, but the blue and purple bruises which had bloomed under my skin from the impact with the breakwall were still tender and painful.
“I’m the one who told you I was spending the break with North,” I reminded Wilkenson testily. “It’s not like it’s a big secret.”
“No, I guess not.” He sighed. “I was just hoping to get some dirt. Did you two have a good time?” He raised one white-blond eyebrow at me significantly and I knew exactly what he was asking.
“I had a lovely visit,” I said dully. “His parents are very nice and his home is beautiful.”
Wilkenson frowned. “Then why are you so down in the dumps, my darling manikin? You spent your Winter Break in paradise with a god—you ought to be ecstatic. Unless…” He peered at me closely. “Unless there’s trouble between you and the Ice Prince.”
“We’re fine,” I said stoically. “We’re friends and roommates. What else do you want?”
Wilkenson shook his head and made a tsking sound. “Oh no, my dear. I think the question is, what do you want?”
The answer to that was easy—I wanted North back. Ever since our words on the beach he had been cool and distant. We had taken the shuttle back to the Academy in silence and had gotten in just before DLO. North said nothing but when I took my pajamas and went to change in the closet as usual, I felt his eyes on me, both angry and reproachful. He hadn’t even asked if I wanted him to set the alarm to get up for my three AM shower and I hadn’t reminded him of it either. I supposed that I would have to find a new way to get clean—or maybe just sneak out on my own. It was risky, but what else could I do?
Today, the first day back to classes, North had been polite but nothing more—just as he had been the entire time he was trying to come to terms with his initial feelings for me, the semester before. Only this time it was worse. Worse because now I knew how wonderful it could be to be loved by him. To be held in his arms. But I was afraid I would never have that pleasure again—not unless I revealed my secret and maybe not even then. After all, how angry would North be when he found out he’d been duped? Would he ever want to be with me again?
I thought it was highly doubtful. Still, I would have been willing to give it a try if I could have gotten hold of Kristopher on his mobile to get his blessing. But the few calls I had placed at the station before we took the shuttle back to Athena had gone unanswered. I knew that Kristopher was out of reach physically but I had hoped to at least connect with him over the vid-screen. The fact that I couldn’t reach my beloved twin brother made me feel more abandoned than anything else. If only I could talk to him, explain about North and get his blessing to—
“Well, since you don’t seem to have an answer to my little question, how about a new piece of juicy gossip to lift your spirits?” Wilkenson said, interrupting my internal diatribe of misery.
“What?” I asked dully. “I don’t care how juicy it is. I doubt it’s going to make me feel any better.”
“Oh, I think it might.” Wilkenson gave me a sly grin. “Guess who got expelled?”
“Who?” I asked dutifully, though I did
n’t really care.
“None other than your friendly neighborhood bully, Broward.” Wilkenson beamed at me. “That’s right—apparently he was caught cheating on one of his midterms and this time the headmaster refused to stand for it!”
“Really?” To my surprise, the news really did make me feel better. Having the constant threat of Broward removed felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders.
“Really,” Wilkenson confirmed. “They were trying to hush it all up before we went away on break but it’s coming out now in little trickles.” He looked at me closely. “The same way the fact that you and North are a couple came out, actually.”
I clenched my jaw. He’d probably heard something from Hinks, who didn’t seem the type to keep quiet about the caning North had taken for me. “Whatever you heard, it’s not true. I told you, North and I are nothing more than roommates.”
“Maybe now you are but I’m willing to bet that there was something between you at some point.” Wilkenson looked at me reproachfully. “And here I thought you didn’t swing that way.”
“I don’t,” I said shortly. “And neither does North.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Touchy. Anyway, I was more surprised about North than you. He’s so straight he’d make a ruler jealous.”
“Yes, he is. And so am I. So just drop it, all right?” Wilkenson’s continued probing into my private life was beginning to get on my nerves. Especially now that I had no private life with North anymore.
“Fine.” Wilkenson dropped my arm abruptly. “Be that way if you want.”
I sighed. Great, now I had managed to alienate my only remaining friend. “Look, Wilkenson, I’m sorry—”
“No, no—don’t mind me.” He was already walking away, his nose in the air as though he smelled something bad. “I’ll leave you alone to sulk. Let me know when you’re finished pouting about whatever it is that happened that you refuse to talk about. I’ll be around.” He flashed me one last sardonic look and lost himself in the now crowded hallway.
I stopped dead in the middle of the hallway and stood there like a lump, letting the other students walk around me. I was miserable—completely miserable and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing except tell North my secret and I couldn’t do that. So I was stuck.
Eventually I got moving again and trudged down the hallway, heading for my last class of the day—mandatory physical-fitness. As I walked into the echoing gymnasium, I caught myself keeping a wary eye out for Broward and his cronies. Then I remembered Wilkenson’s 'juicy gossip'. Well, there was one problem solved, anyway. Without the bully constantly looking to beat me up, I should be able to take a shower in peace after class. As long as his remaining friends didn’t come after me, that was.
Today Coach Janus had us playing basketball—a sport from Earth-that-was that seemed to have been invented specifically for tall people, which left me out. I spent most of the class sitting on the sidelines watching my classmates take turns trying to get a striped orange ball through a net. To my relief, Broward was indeed absent and his two large henchmen, Nodes and Dawson, ignored me completely. Still, just to be on the safe side, I waited until most of the other students had finished their showers before sneaking back to the gymnasium locker room myself.
The locker room had just about cleared out and all the shower stalls were unoccupied by the time I got there. I checked to be sure and only when I was satisfied that the long row of showers was really empty did I walk quietly down and take the one on the very end.
Feeling nervous and edgy, I turned on the hot water and waited until it was steaming before stripping off my clothes. Then, making sure the shower curtain was completely closed and my towel was close at hand, I stepped quickly into the spray.
The hot water went to work on me at once. As I popped a shampoo capsule over my head, I felt my tension beginning to ease. I was still unhappy about the situation with North but I no longer felt like doubling up in misery. It was a vast improvement.
I rinsed my hair and soaped my body as well, rubbing my unbound breasts to ease the pain from being wrapped all day. Just have to make it until the end of this semester, I told myself as I washed. Then I can leave The Academy behind forever and get a job in the private sector. I wouldn’t have to pretend to be someone I wasn’t there. Females were counted equal with males and a woman could be a captain or a navigator if she proved herself—which I fully intended to do.
I thought about flying through the vast reaches of space, exploring new places, seeing worlds I’d only imagined. That was my dream, the real reason I was here, I reminded myself. I hadn’t come to The Academy to fall in love, I’d come to get out from under my father’s thumb, to see the stars, and of course to facilitate Kristopher’s dream of being a professional musician. I had almost achieved all that—my goal was in sight. I just had to make it through a few more months and I would be free.
I was actually beginning to feel better when, unbidden, North’s words rose in my mind. “I can see it now…We’ll have our own ship. I’ll be the captain and you can be the navigator.”
Abruptly, my unhappiness came back in a flood. There would be no ship now. No exploring the stars with the man I loved by my side. There would just be me, alone in space. That was, if I managed to get through the final exams without getting picked for a DNA check and losing a hand.
“Oh North,” I whispered, leaning my forehead against the cool tile wall. “I hate this. I wish things could be different.”
“I’ll show you different, freshie.”
Before I could register the familiar voice behind me, a rough hand had me by the arm and was turning me around.
Caught off guard, I flailed, nearly slipping on the slick tiles. A fall to the shower floor would have been painful but it might have saved me—I could have covered myself. Unfortunately, Broward’s grip on my arm was too firm. He dragged me up, glaring at me with a wicked light in his piggy little eyes.
I stared at the familiar, hateful face in shock. “You…you were expelled,” I gasped, trying to cover myself with my hands. “You’re not even supposed to be here!”
“Yeah, but I had a little unfinished business.” He grinned at me. “You, freshie. So I came in the back way and told Dawson and Nodes to keep you here for me. Thought you might sneak out the back but—” He stopped abruptly, his eyes widening. “Dawson…Nodes…you see what I’m seeing?”
“Damn,” Dawson said, from behind his shoulder. “Look at him…her.”
“What the hell?” The dimwitted Nodes, standing on Broward’s other side, appeared confused. “Where’s his dick?” he asked bluntly.
“He doesn’t have one, idiot.” Broward’s eyes left my face and roamed my body instead. “He’s a she. Freshie here is a girl.”
“Leave me alone,” I tried to back away but Broward wasn’t about to let me go. His beefy hand tightened on my upper arm, holding me fast.
“A pretty girl, too,” he marveled and his voice was suddenly thick with lust. “A little on the flat side but I’m a leg man myself.”
“Damn,” Dawson said again, and his eyes had gone greedy. “A real live girl right here, under our noses all this time. Just think of all the fun we could’ve been having with her.”
Nodes seemed to finally get the idea. “So if Jameson is a girl, that means that time he beat you at fencing…Hey, Broward—you got your ass handed to you by a girl. You know that?”
“Shut up, you idiot,” Broward snarled, throwing a glare at him. “I didn’t know he was a she back then.”
“Doesn’t matter,” Nodes said implacably. “You still got taken by a girl.”
Broward gave me a cruel smile. “And now it’s time to do a little taking of my own.”
My stomach felt like I had swallowed a pound of ice and my legs went suddenly weak. Surely he wasn’t thinking of doing that. Being found out was bad enough but being assaulted by a pig like Broward…well, I would rather lose a hand any day. “You…you wouldn’t,” I said, my voice
dry with fear.
“Oh wouldn’t I?” Broward leered at me. “You know how long it’s been since I had a girl, freshie? My father had me grounded the entire break—couldn’t even get out to find myself a prossie doid. I need a little something to take the edge off—how about you help me out?”
“No!” I finally managed to wrench free of him but there was no place to go but back into the still-running shower. “Get away from me,” I said in a trembling voice. “How dare you speak to me that way? You…you are no gentleman.”
Broward laughed, an ugly sound that echoed and rolled in the tiled corridor. “Well, come to that, neither are you, freshie. And you won’t be a lady, either. Not when I’m finished with you.” He unbuttoned his fly and stepped forward, reaching for me. “Now come here.”
I shrank back against the cold tiles, feeling sick and desperate. He was really going to do it. He was going to rape me. And there was nothing I could do to stop him.
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