Finally, the Thursday before Kayla had been missing for a full two weeks, Jesse got the call from his Dad. Kayla had been found. She’d come into the local emergency room suffering from an overdose. She was in serious, but stable condition.
I was in my counseling session when Jesse got the call so he caught a cab to Alexandria by himself. I had class immediately after my session, so I didn’t check my phone until I got back my dorm 3 hours later.
“Li, they found Kayla. She’s in the ER near home. I am headed to Alexandria now. I’ll let you know how she is when I find out.”
I had just sat down at my desk, but as I heard the message, I grabbed my bag and headed back out again. With traffic, it took the cab over an hour to get me to the hospital. I asked the volunteer at the information desk what room Kayla Marie Pena was in and then shot off in the direction of Medical/Surgical Intensive Care Unit.
I found Jesse in the MSICU waiting room with a short, dark skinned man who shared Jesse’s pale, drawn expression. I walked up to him and hugged him before he even had a chance to speak. He wrapped his arms around me and let his head fall onto my shoulder. A spark of warmth shot through me as he trusted me enough to lean on me.
After a moment, I gave him a hard squeeze and stepped back. I extended my arm to his Dad. “Hello, Mr. Pena. I’m Li. We’ve spoken on the phone a few times.”
“Call me Jose,” he said as he grabbed my hand and pulled me into another hug. “Thank you for being there for mi hijo.”
His son, my brain supplied the translation, as I thought briefly back to my one term of high school Spanish. I replied simply saying, “You’re welcome. He’s my best friend.”
As we stepped back from each other, I saw a beautifully plump, blonde woman step out from the MSICU double doors and head our way. She hugged Jose and Jesse, and then turned to me.
“You must be Li. I am Karen, Jesse’s mom.”
I accepted her outstretched hand and replied, “Nice to meet you.”
“Jesse, it’s your turn to go back. Would like me or Li to go with you?”
Jesse just reached across the few inches between us and grabbed my hand. I nodded and allowed him to lead me to his sister’s hospital room. We stopped briefly at the desk to receive tags with Kayla’s room number on them to clip to our shirts before we went back.
The long hallway of glass doors alternating with nurses’ desks seemed to lengthen as we walked, but we eventually made it to room 14. 'Pena' was written on the small sign beside the door. The sliding door was about halfway open, but a curtain was drawn so we could not see into the room. In what seemed like slow motion, we both rubbed our hands clean with the foam by the door and stepped inside the room.
Even in her current state, it was clear, even in her current state, that Kayla had inherited her Mom's silky blond hair and pale skin; though currently, her skin was an ashy gray color, and the blonde hair was stringy around her head. Worst of all, though, were the tubes coming from her mouth and nose. The room was echoing with the mechanical whooshing of a breathing machine.
Jesse took a clunking step towards the bed and reached out to touch a non-IV’d spot on Kayla’s hand. He was shaking so badly that he knocked into one of her tubes. I reached out and grabbed his hand to hold it steady, and helped place it on his sister’s hand. We stood there like that for a subjective eternity.
The next week was almost worst than the previous two. Kayla got strong enough to be taken off the ventilator and moved to a regular room, but then she got an infection and had to move back the MSICU. Finally, once the infection cleared, she was back in a regular room. Jesse and I had been back and forth almost daily to see her and relieve Jose and Karen from being at bedside.
One afternoon, Jesse was sitting in a chair by the bed, holding Kayla’s hand and sleeping sitting up when Kayla stirred. She opened her eyes and saw Jesse. I quietly got out of my chair in the corner of the room and stepped out. As I was foaming my hands just outside the door, Kayla said, “JJ, I’m so sorry.”
Jesse’s voice was hard with grief and pain when he replied, “Never again, KK, never again.” Then softer, “I love you too much to lose you like that.”
I walked to the waiting room to give them some time together.
***
After that, life returned to normal again. It was finals, so there was a lot of studying, but there was also a lot of procrastinating. I kept going to counseling. I continued working through the idea that I might be transgender. The first time Janet mentioned it, I wanted to run in the opposite direction. I didn’t really know much about it, and the first thing that came to mind was drag queens. I knew that wasn’t what I was.
But as Janet and I talked more and more, I felt weight lift off my shoulders. Finally, something seemed to feel right. She even suggested that I visit a local Trans* support group.
After my Tuesday counseling session, I headed to the cafeteria to meet Jesse for lunch. He was almost back to his normal self, but I could still see shadows in his eyes that would be there for a long time yet. When I saw him outside I waved.
“Hey. How’s it going?”
“Good. Too much studying to do in too little time,” he said with a bit of a grimace.
“Seriously,” I paused. “You want to grab some food, sneak it out and eat it in my room?”
His eyes sparkled with a bit of tricksome glee I hadn’t seen in a while. “Sure, I’ll meet you there in ten minutes. The person with the best haul gets to pick the pizza this week.” He dashed off before I could even agree.
I was glad he was in a good mood, because I had decided to tell him what Janet and I had been talking about.
I ran after him, swiped my dining card, and filled my back pack with pizza wrapped in paper towels and cups of fro-yo wedged precariously so as not to spill them as I walked.
I beat him to my room by about a minute, but he came in bearing about twice as much food as I had. He had somehow managed to smuggle an entire pie in his backpack – along with chicken fingers and fries. We laid out our spread, declared Jesse winner and dug in.
After we had eaten, I grabbed Jesse’s shoulder and asked him to sit back down.
“I have something I need to tell you.”
“Okay.”
I was pretty sure Jesse was going to be cool, but I still got a flock of pigeons dancing around in my stomach as I started to speak. “You know I have been going to see Janet for awhile now. We’ve been talking about a lot of stuff and I have really been doing better.”
“That’s great.”
“I figured out why I was so miserable in my own body. My brain, my soul, my emotions – they are all a man. It’s only my body that is a woman.”
Jesse looked a little confused, so I gave him a moment to process what I had said. Janet had warned not to take a first reaction to close to the heart. Sometimes people just needed a moment to get used to something.
Still confused, Jesse said, “So you’re a guy? Even though you look like a girl?”
“Yeah. I guess the technical term would be transgender.”
He paused. “Okay.”
I stared at him for a moment in disbelief. “Okay? That’s it!” I had been expecting a bit more of a reaction than that, and all the adrenaline that had built up in my system kind of overloaded right then.
“Yeah, okay.” He paused, “Have you ever pretended to be someone you are not to me?”
“No.”
“Then you are the same person I’ve always known. You’re the one who brought a movie to the hospital so I wouldn’t be alone when I broke my leg. You’re the one who kept me fed and passing my classes when my sister was missing. You’re the one that stood by my side when we thought she might die. You’re the one who watches movies with me every Friday night. You’re the one who incites me to steal from the cafeteria and smile for the first time in who knows how long. You. It doesn’t matter if you are a boy or a girl.”
Through that whole speech, he had stood up and walked clos
er to me. By the end he had his hand on my chin and was forcing me to look into his eyes. I felt such a relief and joy well up through me at his acceptance. He reached his arms around me and hugged me. I reveled in the warmth that burst forth from my heart and hugged him back with all my might.
Finally, we let go and tumbled back into our chairs.
“So now that you’re a man and all do you want a properly manly name?” He snickered a bit as he spoke.
“Li is not manly enough?”
“Nah – It’s just short for Lisa which is a girl’s name.”
“Then, how about Leo.”
“But that’s barely a change.”
“But I like it.”
“Fine. Leo it is then.” He grinned at me. “Leo, will you grab the fro-yo from the mini fridge and pass it over.”
I handed it to him and he said, “Thank you, Leo.”
We both burst into laughter. It was just the release we needed.
***
A few days later, I had packed up my room, and my parents had come to pick me up from school. My Mom had flipped her shit when she saw my haircut and how I was dressed. I had always been her little princess. I had been so wrapped up in self loathing, that I didn’t really notice her or anyone else for that matter. If my hair cut caused that kind of reaction, I dreaded her reaction when I told her I was transgender.
My Dad had broken the tension with a gruff, “She’s adult, she can dress how she likes.”
During the four hour drive back to Pennsylvania, I could feel the weight of my Mom’s stare every time I glanced towards the rear view mirror. Driving, my Dad was oblivious to it all, listening to a book on tape about bird watching.
As soon as we got home, my Dad and I unloaded most of my stuff into the garage. A few suitcases of things I would need before I went back to school for the summer came upstairs with me to my room. My Mom was waiting for us in the kitchen when we were done. She picked up the conversation right where we had left off at school.
“What have you done to yourself at school this semester?”
“What do you mean, ‘What have I done to myself?’ I am happier than I have ever been. I have a best friend for the first time. I am finally understanding myself. Oh, and I got a haircut. Is that what you mean?”
“How are you ever going to find someone if you look like a…a…a…lesbian?”
“Is that the worst thing you can think of - that I might be a lesbian?”
“I have nothing against lesbians. I just don’t want you going around looking like Ellen!”
“Really, Mom? Lesbians are fine as long as I’m not one?”
“Are you saying you are a lesbian?”
“NO! Of course I’m not a lesbian.” I almost blurted out what I really was right then, but fear coursed through me and my mouth clamped shut with an audible thud.
The breath my Mom had been taking in to continue yelling stopped in her throat as she recognized what sudden shutting of my mouth meant.
“What were you about to say?” She asked with a searing glare that had always scared the truth out of me as a child.
“Catherine, let her be. She’ll tell us in her own time.” I turned briefly to stare at my Dad. I had never really paid much attention to him, but he seemed to be more astute than I ever gave him credit for.
My Mom momentarily shifted her glare to my Dad but then turned back to me, intent redoubled. “What were you about to say, Lisa Catherine McKenna?
I steeled myself and angrily replied, “I could never be a lesbian because I’m a man.” It took everything in me to maintain my eye contact.
After about thirty seconds, she looked away and scoffed. After a few more seconds she threw up her hands, turned and left the room.
I sat down in the closest chair with a thump. Dad pulled out the chair across from me and sat down.
“This being a man thing, did you say that just to piss off your mother?”
I sighed, “No.”
“I do not understand.”
I looked up at him. He was peering at me with genuine curiosity and not an ounce of hatred or disgust.
I felt tears in my eyes as I tried to explain. I struggled with the words and they just wouldn’t come. My Dad pulled me out of the chair and into his arms. As his strong arms wrapped around me the dam broke.
“Oh Daddy,” I cried around my tears.
“Baby, it can’t be as bad as all that. Just tell me. I’ll still love you.”
I eventually got control of myself and sat back down at the table. I told him everything – about how wrong I always felt, about almost committing suicide, about clawing at myself, about Jesse, about counseling, and about how I finally figured out who I really was.
When I was done, he patted my hand, said he loved me and promised to make Mom understand. Just as he was almost out of the kitchen he, turned back and said with a wink, “After all, these days, there are many ways to have a grandchild. That will ease her mind.”
Two weeks later, we packed my things from the garage back into the car and I went back to Georgetown, to an apartment Jesse and I were sharing for the summer so we could keep on with our work study jobs. Those two weeks were a little rough, but by the end my Mom had gotten to the place where she could hug me again.
***
That summer with Jesse was enlightening in many ways. Janet referred me to a therapist who specialized in gender reassignment issues. I began to talk about when I wanted to begin hormone therapy, whether I wanted to consider top surgery, bottom surgery or both. And I finally got to experience what it was like to be attracted to someone.
All the time I had known Jesse, I had been so wrapped up in myself, I never really considered him beyond friendship. I had seen him fall in and out of four relationships over the course of the semester, but I never knew any of them or spent time with them and Jesse.
But when we moved in together, I started noticing. He’d come out of the bathroom with a towel around his hips, and my heart would speed up in my chest. His casual touch sent shivers up my arm. I found myself watching him as he read or watched tv.
I knew I was in no place emotionally to have a relationship but it was exhilarating to finally understand what it was all about.
Despite all that change, everything seemed to stay the same. Jesse and I still ate together and watched movies and goofed off and stole food from the cafeteria. Nothing had changed and everything had changed.
January 1, 2013
Jesse broke me out of my reverie when he sat down beside me. I smiled at him as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. He’d sat just a little too far away and had to stretch so I scooted closer and rested my head on his shoulder.
“What are you remembering today?” he asked me. He knew my ritual.
“Our first year.”
“How do they say it - ‘It was the best of times and it was the worst of times’?”
I chuckled as I replied, “That about sums it up.”
Jesse leaned away just far enough that we could face each other. He took my chin in his hand, leaned forward and kissed me. The whole getting to kiss Jesse thing was new enough that it was still exciting every time. The feel of his lips on mine lit a fire in my belly and sent sparks throughout all of me. It amazed me that after all those years of not fitting in my own body that I could find someone who fit beside me so perfectly.
Jesse smiled as he broke the kiss, “I love you, Leo.”
“I love you too, Jesse.”
I leaned my head back on his shoulder and remembered the first time he had kissed me. It had only been a month, but I knew it was a moment that I would remember forever.
December 1, 2012
I ran up the stairs because I knew Jesse would be waiting to start our weekly pizza and movie night. We’d been doing it since we met first semester of college, back when I still went by Lisa. He was the friend who stuck by me through it all and we’ve never missed a Friday night. Even when he broke his leg and had to be rushed to the
hospital, I just went there. It was fitting that we would celebrate the end of the whole process together too.
As I burst through the front door of our shared apartment, I had a huge grin on my face. “It’s done!” I yelled, excited my final follow up appointment had gone well. “No complications, no infection, completely healed, and clean bill of health!” My top surgery had been done years ago, but I had just gotten my bottom surgery a little over a month ago.
He grabbed me into a hug, and I could feel his grin on my cheek as he whispered, in a voice choked with emotion, “That’s awesome, Leo. Congratulations.”
When we separated, we just stood there staring at each other grinning for a few moments. And then something shifted in his gaze and I don’t know how I knew, but I did. I only had a heart beat of warning before he had threaded his hands through my hair and pulled me in for a kiss.
For a second, I was so shocked I couldn’t even react, and then Jesse just pulled away with a stricken look on his face.
“Shit. Sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. But, god, I’ve wanted to that for ages. But then, I wanted it to be perfect, and for you to feel like you, and…”
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