“Being with you but not with you… it would be so painful that someone would need to come up with a new word for what it would feel like. Difficult doesn’t hold a candle for how hard it would be.”
“Being close would be worse than being apart? Worse than not seeing each other for six weeks?” Has being apart been agony for him too?
“It would be much worse to have you within my reach all the time.”
At least with being apart, the constant temptation isn’t there. I know my weakness for Jamie. I would be tempted every single night to go to his bed. And it would kill me to be turned away. I can’t go there again.
“I’m not as strong as you.” I don’t have an ounce of willpower when it comes to this beautiful man. Even now, I want to plead with him to have me. To claim me. To take me into the bedroom and make me scream his name over and over.
“I’m not as strong as you think.”
“You were strong enough to tell me no.” I ache in my chest as I recall him pushing me away. No man has ever hurt my heart the way Jamie did that day.
“You’re wrong. I’m so damn weak when it comes to you, Ellison.”
We’d be together if that were so. “We’ll have to agree to disagree on that one.”
“The Order takeover is scheduled to happen in three weeks. You’re going to belong to another soon after. And it’s making me lose my fucking mind.”
Is it wrong to be happy to hear him admit he’s going crazy? “You made your decision.”
“What if I don’t want to live the rest of my life not knowing how you look when you wake next to me in the mornings, or how you feel in my arms at night when we fall asleep, or how you smile in your sleep when you’re dreaming of happy things?”
He didn’t mention a word about claiming or marrying me. That means I fall into the third category of females in his precious Fellowship. Fuck-worthy. “You said you wouldn’t taint me.”
“You won’t be considered tainted in the eyes of the brothers if they don’t know we’ve been together. It would have to be our secret.”
We’d be hush-hush, keeping everything we share in the dark… like it’s dirty. Like it’s wrong. Like it’s depraved.
So, what? When we’re over, I have to watch him hop from one Fellowship whore to the next because he can never have a wife? I have to pick up my broken heart and simply move on with my husband? I don’t work like that. It’s not in my makeup.
“I deserve better.”
“You deserve the best.” My chest tightens when Jamie repeats the words my father spent years instilling in me.
“You think sneaking around with you behind the backs of the brothers is what I deserve?” I want Jamie but not that way.
“It’s all I’m able to give you right now.”
“But I want more.”
I want his body, but more than that I want his love. I want his forever. My feelings are stronger than ever so what happens when our time together ends and I can’t give him up?
A month with the man I love versus never knowing what it feels like to have him inside me. Never knowing what it feels like to wake with him beside me. Never knowing what it feels like to have him hold me while I fall asleep. It should be a no-brainer… except I know me. I’ll fall so deeply in love with him that letting go will wreck me.
“A month together and then we part ways? It’s just not that simple.” It would be excruciating to mourn the loss of him in my life.
“You won’t question how hard you’ve been loved when I’m done.”
When I’m done. I hate those words so much. “Don’t you see? That’s the thing. I don’t want to be done and a month together is only going to solidify that for me.”
“I don’t want to be done either. If I could give you the kind of protection you’ll need, I would claim you today and give you my forever. But I can’t do that, Ellison. It isn’t what’s best for you. And I’d rather not have you than place you in danger because I’m selfish and want you for myself.”
“I shouldn’t be forced to decide between a month or never with you. It’s not fair.”
“I know. But you are who you are. I am who I am. Neither of us can be changed. I’ve given my life to The Fellowship. I’m committed to serving my brothers as a physician. My contribution. It isn’t possible to go back on my vow.”
I can’t make this decision right now. I need to think about the consequences of saying yes. “When do you need my answer?”
“Soon. I’ll have some backtracking to do with Sin if you decide against it.”
“Backtracking?”
“One of The Fellowship women entered nursing school a year ago so she could become my assistant. I told Sin her motive wasn’t to help the brotherhood or me. I convinced him she was becoming a nurse to get close to me so I’d claim her.”
The thought of Jamie claiming another woman makes me feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. Twice. “Is that true? Is she doing it because she wants you?”
He shrugs. “Maybe. I don’t know.”
I hate the thought of another woman getting close to Jamie. Despise it. “Would you claim this woman? Marry her?”
“You already know I’m not in a position to do either of those things right now.”
Right now doesn’t mean he won’t one day. “Would she live with you at the infirmary?”
“I haven’t given it a bit of thought. Spending the next month with you has been the only thing on my mind.”
She’ll live there. I know it.
I don’t want another woman living with him. But what say do I have if we aren’t together? None. Jamie can take in any woman he likes.
“Don’t think about her. Concentrate on us and focus on how good we’ll be together. How good the next month will be.”
A part of me wants to tell him he’s a selfish dickhead for asking this of me. But then there’s another part that understands exactly what he wants… because it’s what I want too.
“Can I have until tomorrow night?”
“Aye. I can cover with Sin until you decide. Until then, would you be willing to take a look at the properties with me tomorrow with the real estate agent? We’ll probably need some ideas on how each might or might not work for what we’ll need.”
What we’ll need. He’s so damn confident I’ll say yes to this proposal. I want to.
“Sure. What time?”
“Appointment is at 11:00. Could you be ready to go at 10:30?”
“Yeah.”
“All right. I understand this is a big decision. It’ll require a bit of consideration, so I’ll go and leave you with your thoughts.”
I follow Jamie to the door, maybe hoping he’ll offer a sample of what’s to come if I accept his proposal.
His hand goes for the doorknob but then retreats. “I think you could use a bit of friendly persuasion.”
I don’t have time to respond before my back is pressed firmly against the wall. I think he likes doing this—trapping me so I can’t escape his embrace.
His mouth comes down on mine forcefully as his hands move to grip my hips. The tips of his fingers dig into the flesh of my skin, almost painfully, through my yoga pants. He’s so aggressive. God, he would be a beast in bed.
My arms wrap around his shoulders as one of his hands glides around to grasp my ass and pull my leg upward so it’s wrapped around his waist. He dry humps me, grinding his hard cock against my crotch, as his mouth leaves mine to travel down my neck. “I’ll make it so good for you, Ellison. You won’t regret our time together. I swear.”
And that’s the problem. I know he’ll make it good for me, and it’ll possibly be the happiest time of my life. I’d get a taste of the life I could have with Jamie… and then it would be over. We wouldn’t have a choice. When it’s over, it’s over.
But, I crave him. Emotionally, physically… I want so badly to blurt out that I’ll do it. So tempting. But I don’t.
This man will consume me.
Burn me.
And what’s worse, I may let him.
“Don’t even think about trying to stop me.” I blow past Blare and Kyle—my sister’s armed guards—and barge into Sin and Bleu’s house.
“Hey! What the hell is so important that you can’t take one of the fifty calls I’ve made to you in the last two hours?”
Bleu is sitting in Sin’s recliner rocking her daughter. “Shh. Not so loud.”
I’m an adult. I hate being told to quieten down but I’ll do it for my niece. “You knew I’d want to talk to you when Sin called to tell me Jamie was coming over. You left me hanging, Bleu.”
“I’m sorry. Lourdes rolled off our bed right after he called you. I’ve been too upset to do anything but hold her.”
It’s only now that I notice Bleu’s eyes are red and swollen. I feel sort of bad for all the names I called my sister on the way over here.
“Ohh. Is Peanut okay?”
“She seems to be all right. Thank God she fell on the rug. That cushioned her fall a little instead of hitting the hardwood. I only took my eyes off her for a few seconds but I feel like a horrible mother. I let my little baby get hurt.”
“Good grief, Bleu. Kids roll off beds and couches. It won’t be the last time one of them takes a tumble.” I hate to break it to her but those twin boys are going to be into some shit all the time. I could tell her some stories from my days in the ER but I won’t. She’d freak out.
“I know accidents happen but I’m her mother. I’m supposed to keep her safe.”
“You do. Every day.” I’m sure all mothers would like to keep their kids from getting bumps and bruises but it isn’t possible. Kids are kids.
Bleu kisses the top of Lour’s head. “I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to her or the boys.”
Bleu is normally so composed—even when the babies would have me pulling out my hair—but I can see that my sister is shaken. “Don’t worry. Nothing is going to happen to her, or Liam, or Harrison.”
“It’s this damn takeover. It has me on edge about every little thing in my life.” Bleu holds Lourdes’s tiny little hand, stroking her thumb over the top. “I can’t stop worrying about Sin and everything that could go wrong.”
Bleu has every right to be concerned. Sin is high risk for being targeted by The Order but as her sister, it’s my job to reassure her, not validate her fears. “Your anxiety is completely understandable but you know what? Sin was born and raised Fellowship. He’s been taught from birth how to handle this. Not his first rodeo.”
“I know. My husband is the ultimate badass but that doesn’t stop me from worrying about him.”
“Oh my God, Bleu. You sounded exactly like Mom just now.”
“Really?” Mom wasn’t Bleu’s biological mother but they were alike in so many ways. Sometimes more so than Mom and me.
“Absolutely. Don’t you remember she used to say the same thing about Dad when he was undercover?”
“You’re right. She did call him the ultimate badass, didn’t she? I can’t believe I forgot that.”
Mom had her badass.
Bleu has her badass.
I love a badass I can never have.
“I can’t believe how different you are now. I remember listening to you and Dad swap stories about the dangerous situations you’d gotten into and your face would glow with delight. Just like his. You thrived on danger. Just like him. You used to live for it, but now you live for your husband and these three little babies.”
“I do. They’re my everything.”
Bleu was content to remain disconnected from people. She didn’t date. She didn’t make friends. She had Mom, Dad, and me. We were the only people she cared about and that was fine by her… until Sin and the babies. “I’m happy things turned out the way they did for you, Bleu. And I’m glad Dad got to see you happy before he died.”
“I wish he and Mom could have seen the babies.”
“They would have loved their grandbabies to pieces. I bet they would have moved to Edinburgh to watch them grow up.”
“Oh, definitely.”
Bleu slowly inches to the edge of the recliner and then stands. “I know why you’re here, so I’m going to put her down before we start the Jamie conversation. Go choose a bottle of wine from the chiller while I’m gone.”
“I thought you couldn’t have alcohol while you were nursing.”
“I need it for the talk we’re about to have so I’ll pump and discard.”
I choose a white from the chiller since I prefer something with a sweeter flavor. “Riesling okay with you?”
“Works for me.”
Bleu fetches a pair of wine glasses and we return to the living room. I stop at the bookcase and pick up a framed photo of Sin, Jamie, and Leith. Such a handsome trio of Scotsmen. Hard to believe all three are so deadly. They look like they should be fashion or fitness models instead of dangerous Fellowship members.
“That photo was taken at my inception ceremony.”
“What’s an inception ceremony?”
Bleu takes the bottle from me and pierces the foil label with the corkscrew. “My official induction into The Fellowship. A very formal affair. They’re usually not—because it’s typically a brother taking responsibility for another man—but mine was elaborate like a wedding reception. Isobel was determined to go all-out. She wanted Sin and I to end up together.”
“It’s just a reception?”
“No. It’s far more than that.”
Bleu fills both glasses with wine and then holds up her hand. “Sin dragged a dagger across my palm. The bastard gave me zero warning he was about to cut me.” She giggles as she traces the scar with her finger. “He pierced his own hand, and we laced our fingers together while we bled. He took an oath to accept responsibility for me while I vowed to never betray the secrets of the brotherhood. I gotta tell ya. It was hot as hell. There was definitely some sexy time after that.”
More Fellowship weirdness. “Getting cut with a dagger doesn’t sound hot or sexy to me.”
My sister grins behind her wine glass. “Trust me. It is, and you’ll think so too when you and Jamie bleed together while you say your Fellowship vows.”
Bleu keeps saying we’re going to end up together but she’s wrong. “Not gonna happen, sis.”
“You just think that. He’s going to come around. I mean, hell, he’s building this infirmary so you can live together.”
“He’s doing it because he wants to fuck.”
“I’m sure he does.”
“I’m not saying that in general. He asked me to be his nurse. Live there with him. Share his bed—in secret… until I’m claimed by another man.” It sounds so much worse when I say it aloud.
Bleu laughs. “I knew it. I told Sin that Jamie was up to something besides building an infirmary.”
“It’s not funny. This is my life.” I pick up a pillow from the sofa and throw it at my sister’s head. “I love him, and he wants me to be his whore until my husband comes forward to claim me. Do you know how that makes me feel?”
“Oh, Elli. You’re being a little dramatic, don’t you think?”
How can she ask me that? “No. I don’t think I’m being dramatic at all, considering the circumstances.”
“Stop and think. See this for what it truly is.”
I’d love for Bleu to explain what she sees because from where I sit I only see it as me being with the man I love for a month and then letting him go forever. “A disaster waiting to happen. That’s what I see.”
“Dear sister. Jamie may say—and even believe—this relationship will only last for a month, but there’s no way he’s going to let another man have you after you’ve spent this time together. I don’t care what rationale he gives you as an excuse for not claiming you. Won’t happen. Hide and watch if you don’t believe me.”
I wish Bleu is right but she wasn’t there when Jamie pleaded his case for why he won’t claim me. “I don’t think so. He’s ver
y adamant about it.”
“Siiin,” Bleu calls out.
“Shit. Sin’s here?”
“Yeah. In his office.”
“I figured he was out.” Jamie said he had to tend to Fellowship business tonight so I figured Sin did as well. I definitely wouldn’t have spoken about the proposal had I known my brother-in-law was home to overhear our conversation.
This could be a problem between the two of them. “Jamie hasn’t confided in Sin about this. In fact, he said he was going to have to do backtracking with him over the girl in nursing school if I didn’t agree to join him as his nurse.”
“Duh. Sin isn’t stupid and neither am I. We don’t have to be told what this is really all about.”
Sin comes into the living room and chuckles when he sees me. Glad to see my life amuses him too. “I was about to ask what you needed, but I’m pretty certain I know.”
“Tell my sister about Jamie’s real motive behind the infirmary.”
“To draw you close before you become Fellowship so he can test his capability to protect you.” His voice is so matter-of-fact as though this is common knowledge.
“He told you that?”
Sin grins. “Hell, no. What he said was one thing but what I heard was something entirely different.” He points to his ear. “Learn to listen closely and you can hear a lot of unspoken words.”
“What unspoken words did you hear?”
“Jamie is very black and white. He needs evidence and proof. Been that way since we were kids. With you, he questions his ability to protect you in the capacity you’ll need. He’s afraid to commit; it’s your safety at risk. He’s doing this to convince himself of his competency. You and your safety will always be his number-one concern. He will put you ahead of his own needs and wants. Never question that.”
I’ve never questioned Jamie’s concern for my safety. He’s been very clear about that from the start.
“This living at the infirmary with him idea came about so he could evaluate his ability to take care of you. If he’s satisfied by the way things go, he will ask to claim you and become your husband.”
Sin has known Jamie his entire life but that doesn’t mean he’s right about this.
Sin Series Stand-alone Novels Bundle: Endurance, Unintended, and Redemption Page 4