This Isn't Goodbye

by K. R. Reese

  “Do you have water and snacks packed?” I look around for a bag anywhere but come up empty.

  “Already taken care of. It’s outside.” He places his hand at the small of my back and doesn’t announce our departure. Not that it surprises me, really, since Cole knew we were leaving.

  We start off through the trees at the back of the property in silence. Dylan guides me when there’s broken branches or fallen trees, but otherwise we walk side-by-side.

  “Everything work out with Cole?” Dylan’s question catches me off guard and I stumble. He catches me by the waist, and we continue our hike.

  “There was nothing wrong between Cole and me. I was upset with you, not him.” I feign ignorance and stare straight ahead.

  “All the whispering in the hallway didn’t sound like nothing, but if that’s the way you want to play it, I’ll go along.”

  I stop abruptly and cross my arms. “What’s your problem with Cole all of a sudden? This trip was for us. All three of us. And one of us just stayed behind because you didn’t want to include him.”

  Dylan copies my stance and glares at me. “I’ve said it a million times, but I can say it again. Sometimes it seems like there’s something more between you and him. Mason’s told me otherwise. You’ve both said otherwise. It doesn’t feel that way, though. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe you’re nothing more than friends. But I can’t get rid of the feeling that I’m being lied to and you’re making a fool of me.”

  He starts walking ahead, but I stay back. There’s no way I’m continuing this hike with what he just said to me. “You don’t trust me? Is that it?” I yell at his retreating figure. He turns around and stalks back toward me.

  “I don’t know who to trust anymore. Everything is twisted and fucked up. Rumors have gone around the school since before I moved here, Chey. What do you expect me to believe?”

  I laugh. It isn’t the right time for it, but I can’t stop it. “Do you even hear yourself right now? I would expect you to believe your girlfriend and your best friend!”

  Dylan’s face flushes and he looks away, shame written on his face. When he steps toward me, I take a step back. “I’m sorry, Chey, okay. I am. I’m trying, for you and him. You’re right, I shouldn’t doubt either of you. You’ve given me no reason not to trust you guys, and I shouldn’t believe what other people say.” He takes a deep breath. “Can we just continue our hike today, then I promise we can all hang out tomorrow. Whatever you want to do. Even if it’s the bikes.”

  I nod and he takes my hand. The guilt is eating away at my insides and I want to come clean. But I know if I do, I’ll lose them both. I can’t let that happen. I won’t let that happen.

  We take a break about two hours into our hike to eat. Dylan packed light, but it’s enough that I don’t feel the need to have a full lunch. It should hold us over until dinner anyway. He showed me the streams, and then the waterfalls as we started to travel uphill. It’s hard to believe they own so much property with the cabin.

  Dylan found a small clearing that overlooks the town below. That’s where we’re camped out for a little while now.

  “It’s beautiful here. I mean, the town and mountains behind it were beautiful the first time I saw it anyway. But, from this height, it’s better somehow.”

  Dylan nods and hums. “I’ve always loved it up here. I may have grown up in the city. I may not know how to ride dirt bikes; I may not enjoy bonfires. But this,” he gestures with his hand. “I could live here all the time and I’d never get tired of it.”

  I smile and look at him. “Is that your plan? Go off the grid once you hit retirement age.”

  He tackles me to the ground and tickles me. Once he stops, he’s leaning over top me and staring intently at me. “Only if you’re here with me in retirement. I’ll go wherever you go.”

  I gasp, my breath hitches. I can’t tell if he’s serious or if he said it in the heat of the moment. I had meant it as a joke. But the look on Dylan’s face tells me he isn’t joking.

  “You don’t have to say anything, Chey, I know it’s quick. I know we’re kids; we have a lot of decisions to make. A lot of things to learn.” He rolls off me and pulls me to stand in front of him. “But I want you to know where my thoughts are. Where my thoughts have been. You’re it for me, Chey, my one and only.”

  Tears form in my eyes and a sob escapes. Dylan pulls me into his chest and kisses the top of my head. “I love you, Cheyenne,” he whispers.

  I grip onto his shirt and close my eyes. “I love you, too.”

  The rest of the weekend went well. I don’t know what happened on their hike, but Dylan acted like a different person when they returned to the cabin. We spent the next two days doing everything together.

  Dirt bikes. Bonfires. Movies.

  Cheyenne was the happiest I had ever seen her since they started dating. Whatever the change was, it was good for them. It was good for our friendships. It was what we needed before we leave tomorrow.

  My chest constricts at the thought. It seems like yesterday that we enlisted, and now we will be going to boot camp. At least Dylan and I would be together for most of it. Who knew where we would go afterward or if they would keep us together; we didn’t get to decide our fate after tomorrow. It would be left to the United States Army.

  We had dinner with our parents when we got back. They pulled out all the baby pictures that I had tried to hide and get rid of. But Dylan’s parents brought his over, too, so it isn’t like he’s the only one who got to see all the funny shit that happened when we were kids.

  When we all went to our separate houses, I was restless. Once my parents went to bed, I wandered out to the backyard and laid in the yard. That’s where I still find myself, just staring at the sky. It isn’t until I hear a door slide open, that I turn toward the houses. Cheyenne’s making her way toward me from her back deck.

  “What are you doing out here, Cole?” she asks as she sits beside me.

  “What am I ever doing out here? Watching the stars.” I point toward the dark sky.

  Cheyenne lays back and looks with me. We’re quiet for a while, both of us lost in our own thoughts. It doesn’t stay that way, though, and she obviously has a few things to get off her mind.

  “When Dylan and I went on our hike the other day, we got into an argument. About you and me. He kept throwing the rumors in my face that have floated around school since junior high, kept telling me he didn’t know what to believe or what I expected him to believe.” She takes a deep breath and then turns to look at me. “I yelled at him and told him he should believe his best friend and his girlfriend over everyone else. Right after the argument, after he apologized and said I was right, I felt so guilty. Because every suspicion he has, he has every right to. We haven’t been honest with him. And now, you’re leaving tomorrow, and I don’t want him to be in the wrong headspace for what he’s going to do.” She stops and stares back at the sky.

  I continue to stare at her. It feels like she didn’t say all she needed to say. And I’m not going to like it.

  “What are you trying to say, Chey?” I ask quietly, bracing myself for her answer.

  “You’re my best friend, Cole, you always have been. When Dylan moved here, I never expected to end up in a relationship with him; I never expected to fall in love with him. That put a strain on all our relationships, our friendships. We crossed the line once. It was one time too many, but I can’t bring myself to regret it either. Then at the cabin…” Her words cut off and she shakes her head. “Those things can’t happen again. I love you both. But he’s who I’m with, who I want to be with. We’ll always be best friends, Cole, but that’s all we’re going to be from here out. I hope you know that I’m not saying or doing any of this to hurt you, I just…”

  I put my hand over her mouth and pull her up to sit beside me. “Do. Not. Apologize.” I enunciate each word. “For anything you just said. I don’t regret it either, Chey, but you’re right. It can’t happen again. Maybe a different time, a
different place, we would’ve ended up together. But at what cost? I still don’t think our friendship is worth the risk. I don’t think Dylan’s friendship is worth the risk either. You’re worth so much, Cheyenne, to both of us. And we don’t need to fight over you. We don’t need to put you in a position where you feel like you need to choose.”

  I grab her hand and squeeze it, unable to stop myself. “I love you, Chey, wholeheartedly. I think I always have. But I want to see you be happy, just like I want to see Dylan happy. That’s what matters to me. And if you’re happy together? Then I’m happy for you guys, too.”

  Cheyenne has tears in her eyes now, but she’s trying to stop them from falling. I pull her into my chest and hold on tight.

  All our lives are about to change. Dylan and I may be the ones that are moving away, and going where the military tells us, but Cheyenne’s the one who has to face the most changes. At least in my opinion.

  “I don’t want to say goodbye tomorrow,” she mumbles into my chest.

  I hold her tighter and leave a lingering kiss against her hair. “Know something, Chey? You don’t have to say goodbye. It’ll never be goodbye.”

  Cheyenne nods and pulls back. “Remind me again tomorrow, okay? Because this doesn’t feel real anymore, though I know tomorrow it’s going to get a whole lot real.”

  “I’ll remind you every day if I need to.”

  We stand together, but I haven’t let go of her hand. “Get some rest, Chey, please. Tomorrow comes quick.”

  “I’ll get some rest if you will.” She leaves me standing in the yard with a smile on my face.

  My alarm blares too early. I squint my eyes open slowly, grab my phone from my nightstand and shut off the offending noise. A minute later, there’s a knock at my door. Before I have time to answer whoever is on the other side, Mason pops around the door.

  “Time to wake up, Sunshine, we’ve got a trip ahead of us. Cars already loaded. Your men are outside waiting for us.”

  I roll my eyes at his words. “They aren’t my men. They aren’t possessions, Mace.” I stand and walk toward my bathroom. “I’ll be down in a minute.”

  He strolls out of the room whistling. I still don’t understand how everyone around me can be wide awake before the sun’s even up. I’ve never been a morning person, and that isn’t about to change.

  After I use the restroom, brush my hair and teeth, I quickly change and head to my car. Dylan and Cole are both leaned against it, while Mason talks animatedly about something. As soon as I get within an inch, their conversation comes to a halt. I narrow my eyes at my brother, but he just shrugs.

  “Everything’s packed in the car. We’re ready to go.”

  I look around, but we’re the only four people standing outside.

  “Neither of your parents are coming with us?” I ask. I thought for sure that they would want to send them off this morning.

  Cole shakes his head, which doesn’t surprise me. His parents aren’t the most supportive or loving people around. Come to think of it, neither are Dylan’s parents. But I still thought they’d want to be here for something like this. I guess graduation was enough for them.

  We pile into the car, laughing as Mason and Cole try to squeeze into my tiny backseat. Mason thumps his knees into my back, and I glare at him from the rearview mirror as I back out of the driveway.

  “I think it’s time that you get a bigger car, Chey, maybe an SUV or a truck. We don’t all fit inside this damn box like we used to.”

  I snort and shake my head. “You leave my car out of this. There’s nothing wrong with it. You guys are just…abnormally large.” My face flushes instantly, realizing what I just said.

  Of course, Dylan, Cole and Mason burst out laughing at my expense. I smile at the normalization of this car ride. Especially since it’s anything but normal.

  We’re only driving to the next town over; that doesn’t give us a lot of time to talk or spend any real time together. We grab breakfast at the diner and eat in the car quietly. It seems everyone’s minds are somewhere else this morning. I know mine is.

  After our trash is thrown away, we finish our journey. The bus stop is silent and there aren’t a lot of people milling around. I guess that’s what happens when you have to be up at 4 a.m., and it’s only a forty-minute drive.

  Dylan and Cole unload their bags from my trunk, and we make our way inside for their boarding passes. Then we wait.

  The longer it takes for their departure time, the more anxious I become. I’m glad Mason made the trip with us this morning because I don’t want to drive all the way home by myself after this. If I’m able to drive at all.

  Ten minutes before our bus is due to arrive, we make our way outside. Cheyenne has stayed tucked between Dylan and I wherever we go, while Mason has played with his phone and shot concerned glances her way all morning.

  The sun is slowly making its rise in the sky, but it’s still dim outside. If it weren’t for the lights of the bus stop, we wouldn’t be able to see much of anything.

  When I hear an engine from down the road, I tense, and Dylan does the same. Cheyenne takes a deep breath and stands between us, her head held high. I know this is going to be a disaster once the bus pulls out, but she’ll hold it together for us. I don’t think she’ll let us see her break down.

  “There’s our bus, Baby,” Dylan whispers in her ear, pulling her into his embrace. She clings to him with her eyes closed, her head on his chest. I step away and give them their privacy; this separation is hard for all of us, but their relationship is going to get a lot harder long-distance. He continues whispering into her ear, but she keeps her eyes closed so I can’t see the emotions in her gaze.

  By the time she leans back and places a gentle kiss on Dylan’s lips, the bus is in front of us and passengers are unloading. We have at least twenty more minutes before they’ll let us board, but we can place our luggage underneath. Dylan lets her go and nods toward me. I brace for what’s about to happen, but I don’t think anything can prepare me for it.

  Mason claps me on the shoulder before Cheyenne makes her way over. I glance at him, and he leans closer.

  “I’ll go talk to Dylan, help him load your luggage. Talk to her. Take your time. I know they’re the ones together, but you’ve been best friends your entire lives.”

  I nod in thanks and wait for him to disappear with Dylan on the opposite side of the bus. As soon as Cheyenne’s close enough, I tug her against my chest and inhale her scent. The coconut shampoo is addicting, and I’ll never get enough of it.

  “I don’t want you to go,” she mumbles into my chest. I hold her tighter, resting my chin against the top of her head.

  “I have to go, Chey,” I mumble back.

  “This is stupid. Why couldn’t you stay here? Why wasn’t it enough for you?”

  I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Cheyenne’s hurt; her emotions are all over the place. She’s sending both of us off to boot camp at the same time, and it’s killing her inside. I’m terrified to know what’s going to happen the next few months without us. But I expect Mason will keep her busy, make sure she’s taking care of herself. By the time we return, she’ll be in a better place than what she’s in right now.

  “Remember what I said last night, Chey? It’s never going to be goodbye. You’ll see us again in a few short months. We’ll both be back here for a few weeks before they send us to train again.”

  “Then why does it feel like I’m losing you both? It feels like goodbye.” Sobs wrack her body now; she’s shaking in my arms.

  “This isn’t goodbye, Chey,” I whisper into her ear. “It’ll never be goodbye.”

  The bus’s horn causes us both to jump. Dylan and Mason are still around the bus, so I shift her backward and stare down at her.

  “This. Is. Not. Goodbye.” I say again. “I love you, Chey,” I say, meaning every word.

  She sobs again, the first tears falling down her cheeks. “I love you, too.”

  I let her go an
d make my way toward the bus. Dylan’s waiting at the doors, and Mason goes back around to his sister.

  “You ready to go?” he asks.

  “I’m not sure this is something you’re ever truly ready for. But let’s go anyway.”

  Dylan smirks and we climb the stairs. He chooses a seat where we can see Cheyenne. Mason has her wrapped in a hug; her face is hidden against his shirt. My breath hitches in my lungs, unable to take in air.

  Dylan nudges my shoulder, directing his gaze back out the window. “She’ll be okay without us for a few months. Mason will take care of her.”

  I nod in acknowledgement and focus my gaze elsewhere. I can’t look at her anymore without breaking down myself.

  Today marks one month. Four weeks without the two most important people in my life. I haven’t heard from them since they boarded the bus and left me wrapped in my little brother’s arms on the platform. I know they’ve contacted their parents when they first arrived at boot camp, but they were only allowed one call.

  I can understand why their one call wasn’t to me. That didn’t stop the resentment I felt toward them when they informed Mason that they had arrived safely. Their parents may not be as involved as they should be in their sons’ lives, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care where they are or what they’re doing.

  Mason has kept me occupied when he isn’t in school. Summer vacation is about to start, though, and he’ll be home more. I know he’s going to try and dedicate a lot of that time to taking care of me, but I’m not going to let him. He’s already helped a lot, and he needs to hang out with his friends. There’s no reason for him to babysit me all summer.

  A door slams downstairs and I turn the music down on my phone. When I glance at the time, I notice it’s too early for Mason to be home from school. Curiosity peaked, I make my way downstairs and run into my Mom sorting the mail.

  “I thought you and Dad were out of town this week?” I question, concern etched on my face.