by Tee, Marian
Table of Contents
Hell Becomes Her (The Midlife Goddess, #3)
Hell Becomes Her
Let's Play Catch-Up | Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Author's Note
Mr. Hell, Meet Ms. Haunted
A Season of Gods | and Witches
Welcome to a day in the life of a newly-minted midlife goddess...
Me: Before you introduce me, can I ask you something?
Hadrian: Of course.
Me: If we call our Chief of State POTUS, then can't your subjects call me...are you ready for this?
Hadrian: I can hardly wait.
Me: They can call me...LOTUS!!!
Hadrian: Ah. I see.
Me: Isn't it cute?
Hadrian: It is, but...how exactly did you work that out?
Me: Short for Lady of the Underworld.
Hadrian: So...LOTU.
Me: No. That rhymes a little too closely to 'loathe you', which I'm sure my future haters would love to turn into a hashtag. So my pre-emptive strategy is—-
Hadrian: Make sure you don't do something that would have people hate you?
Me: Uh...yeah. I know you're used to having magic in your life, but you gotta learn to be realistic, too. I'm the kind of person people either love or hate, no in between.
Hadrian: I count myself lucky then, having the wisdom and exceptionally good taste to fall in love with you.
Me: God, you're so hot. Do we have time for a quick...oh, no, wait, you almost distracted me there. Back to my nickname. Can we do LOTUS then, like the flower? Please?
Hadrian: I truly wish I could say yes, milady...but that's not how acronyms work. You need to find a way to get the S in there.
Me: But I'm a goddess.
Hadrian: ...
Me: Well?
Hadrian: I'm sorry, love. But I'm not seeing the connection.
Me: Goddesses surely have the power to change the rules of grammar.
Hadrian: Ah. I see.
Me: So...
Hadrian: Where grammar's concerned, even goddesses have to play by the same rules, so I'm afraid the answer is still no.
Me: Oh, fine. How about Lady of the Underworld...States?
Hadrian: The Underworld has no states.
Me: So...is that another no?
**** And now, back to regular programming ****
Hey there. I'm Saoirse, and I used to be a thirty-something ghost who (long story short) turned into a 41-year-old goddess when I started dating the (recently divorced) Lord of the Underworld.
Today was supposed to be my honeymoon - I mean, homecoming...
Until Zeus suddenly lost his marbles...
Hadrian had to put Hell on lockdown...
And a raven-haired beauty (whom I may or may not be jealous of) believes that my blood might help save us from the Olympian god's deadly, missile-like thunderbolts.
So yeah.
Those people who think middle-aged women can only lead ho-hum lives?
Tell them to give me a call, will you? ;)
Hell Becomes Her
By Marian Tee writing as Alice Bloome
(The Midlife Goddess #3)
Copyright 2020 by Streak Digital Publishing
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Let's Play Catch-Up
Prologue
IT'S AN UNSPOKEN RULE in life that only rockstars and women with PMS (or menopause) are entitled to have mood swings. Unfortunately, an Olympian god named Zeus hasn't gotten the memo on this, and now the whole of New England's paying the price.
Think multiple flash floods, towns and cities losing power, and if social media was to be believed, there are even reports of record-high waves roaring close to our shores, seemingly on the brink of transforming into a tsunami that could swallow the entire coast.
And all of this...in just minutes since Zeus lost his marbles.
Crazy, right? Figuratively and literally.
But...I'm getting ahead of myself.
If it's your first time to check in, then a short introduction's in order. My name is Saoirse Sullivan. A brain aneurysm killed me when I was thirty-eight, and I went on to haunt my old apartment building...until a certain man caught my eye. He was tall, dark, and handsome. Wore a black hoodie and jeans. And instead of taking the elevator, he actually went for the stairwell.
Imagine that.
What's the point of living in the 21st century if you're not going to let technology spoil you? We're supposed to be lazier now - not healthier - and the fact that Tall, Dark, and Handsome didn't seem to realize this had me curious.
So curious that I ended up stalking following him, and well...say hello to the new me: a ghost with the ability to take human form because I also happen to be the LOTUS.
AKA...Lady of the Underworld (we'll talk about the S part later).
And that's possible because the tall, dark, and handsome guy I was telling you about earlier?
He's my boyfriend now, and you probably know him better as Hades.
Today is supposed to be the beginning of our happy-ever-after...except Zeus - yes, that Zeus - started acting a little cuckoo up in the clouds, and now that we've effectively caught up with the present...
Chapter One
The sight of bookstores normally made me yawn (or hide), but the one coming up the road was special. It was actually a magical portal to Hell the Underworld, and while going to a place full of dead people might not be anyone's idea of fun...
Now, it just sounded heavenly (pun intended), since the Underworld was also the only place that Zeus' thunderbolts wouldn't be able to reach.
Or so my boyfriend tells me.
"Wait here," Hadrian said gruffly after switching off the car's engine.
I watched him walk around the car to get to my side. He looked ruggedly handsome as always, and though I used to go for guys in suits, there was nothing sexier for me nowadays than Hadrian's hoodies and jeans. All black, too, including the umbrella he was holding.
Guys opening doors for girls might be a thing of the past for most, but Hadrian was different. He had always been sweet and charmingly old-fashioned that way, even back when I was a ghost, and I could easily float out of cars and walk under the rain without getting wet.
A woman mustn't ever open her own door when a gentleman was around, the Lord of the Underworld once told me very, very seriously, and if she did, then it only meant her companion was an arse.
A strong gust of wind slapped my face as soon as Hadrian opened the passenger door, but I knew better than to wince. Hadrian could also get really overprotective, and while I found that trait rather endearing, right now it was more imperative he didn't waste time worrying about me.
He had a kingdom to save, and as his (new) Lady, I didn't want to risk having his people to think I was a royal burden in any way.
Rain lashed down at us in large, hard-hitting drops, and the howling winds that whipped about us were frighteningly vicious. There was almost a point I feared it
would literally blow me away before we could make it to the bookshop, but Hadrian's arm curved around my waist to anchor me, and it was all good again.
A cozy, wraparound porch welcomed us to the bookshop, and I absently noticed a newly added rocking chair in the corner while I gave my wet hair a little squeeze and shake.
"You okay?" Hadrian asked.
I nodded, and at that time, I meant it. I did feel fine. But when Hadrian received a call from someone named Paul, who then asked for his help to keep Zeus' deadly thunderbolts from randomly killing people—-
"Will you be alright if I leave you here?" Hadrian asked tautly.
"Of course." A total lie, but I had a (future) reputation to uphold. I wanted to be the kind of consort Hadrian would be proud of.
There might come a time when people would ask, Where were you, when Zeus went a few fries short of a Happy Meal? And no way did I want someone to answer, On that day, Hadrian's new LOTUS proved herself to be the world's biggest scaredy-cat.
So with this thought in mind, I gave Hadrian my best big-girl smile. "Don't worry about me."
"I don't think the thunderbolts will make it here, but if something happens, just give me a call—-"
"I have my own powers as your LOTUS," I reminded him.
His lips twitched. "So we're still sticking to that?"
"Never even considered looking for an alternative," I answered airily. "Now go and save humanity." I pretended to shoo him away, but Hadrian only pulled me close with a smile...
And then we were kissing.
The long and slow kind.
Oh.
Wait.
It's hard and deep now.
Toe-curling deep.
And then...nothing.
"Take care, love. Stay safe for me." The words were his favorite way of saying goodbye, but before I could answer, Hadrian was already gone...and my teeth started chattering, the moment I realized I no longer had to fake things.
Because honestly?
I'm terrified out of my wits right now, just completely out of sorts, and feeling like my hormones were all over the place.
What in Hell's name was happening to me?
Horrific scenes from disaster movies started flashing in my mind.
Armageddon.
The Day After Tomorrow.
Interstellar.
Even Riverdale. I mean, if you've watched the show, you know that makes sense. The crime rate in the supposedly idyllic town was horrific, and they had everything from serial killers to gargoyle kings terrorizing the townsfolk. Oh, and let's not forget how almost every resident had at least one murderous secret hidden in their closet, and if they didn't, it only meant their turn to play killer would come next season.
Add all of those things together, and it's kinda obvious, isn't it?
Riverdale is set in post-apocalyptic times, but because CW knows where the money's at, teen drama it is.
But on the other hand...
I started pacing, hoping to distract myself from the boom and flash of thunder and lightning overhead, but since the porch wasn't exactly expansive, it only meant six steps forward and back.
Total, not each.
Archie and company still had it good, I thought gloomily. Since they were just playing make-believe, they only had to bleed fake blood and never had to actually fear for their lives.
Back in the real world, however...
Our villain was an honest-to-goodness Greek god, which meant he could also just as honest-to-goodness kill all of us—-
Boom! Boom! Boom!
That sounded a little too close for comfort, like cannonballs in the skies that Zeus could swing in my direction at any moment, and a shiver of paranoia slithered down my spine. Squinting at the distance, I was able to make out what seemed like an aerial battle unfolding-—
Were those people flying on broomsticks?
I rubbed my eyes furiously, just to make sure my mind wasn't playing any tricks on me.
And it wasn't.
There really were people flying around on broomsticks, battling it out against Zeus' thunderbolts.
Wow.
I felt a little faint, just thinking about it—-
Oh. No. Wait.
I was feeling lightheaded.
Strange.
And then...nothing.
Chapter Two
"Oh shit." I woke up feeling miserable and ashamed, my head cradled on Hadrian's lap. The rain had finally weakened to a drizzle, but the air still crackled with danger, and a few steps away, the Greek god of medicine had his bushy brows puckered in a frown.
I looked up, worried that the immortal physician was here because of Hadrian, but he only appeared exhausted, not hurt.
My gaze drifted back to Dr. Ace, who also seemed his usual ancient grumpy self.
Technically, Greek gods like these two didn't ever get old, but Aesculapius (his real name, in case you're wondering, and it took me ages to memorize how to spell that, FYI) took eccentric delight in disguising himself as your usual grouchy neighborhood grandpa.
Like I said: eccentric. But I'm not gonna judge. I had my own life to worry about, especially since...
My gaze reluctantly lifted to Hadrian's. "I fainted. Didn't I?"
"I found you unconscious on the porch," Hadrian said tightly, "and had Aesculapius come right away."
Oh no.
Zetes, one of my few immortal friends, had warned me about how nasty fast gossip sites worked in their world. Once word gets out about me fainting at the first sign of anger...
Shudder.
The pool of misery inside of me spiraled up and sucked me in like a whirlpool. Fainting was fine if I were an eighteen-year-old virgin from the eighteenth century. Fainting back then was fine. Fashionable even, and a thoroughly acceptable instrument for flirting.
But...I wasn't eighteen, and the Regency period was long over.
Instead, I was forty-one, we were a few hundred years in the future, and my newly acquired title required a certain sense of dignity.
So fainting at my age?
Absolute epic fail, and the dreadful realization had me trying to sit up in hopes of doing something to reverse the situation.
"Take it slowly—-"
"I'm fine—-" Not.
The world started spinning, and I could feel blood rushing up to my head.
Shit.
I went absolutely still, hoping that this would also keep the pain at bay.
"Now, do you believe me?" Hadrian's exasperated tone sounded a lot like 'I told you so' but my head was hurting so bad by now that I didn't even have the energy to roll my eyes.
My boyfriend pulled me back, and I slumped against the warm and comfortable strength of his body.
"What's wrong with her?" I heard Hadrian ask over my head.
"I have my suspicions, but..." Dr. Ace's thoughtful gaze flicked back to me. "What's the last thing you remember, Saoirse?"
"Before losing consciousness?"
Dr. Ace nodded.
"I felt...panicky," I admitted in a small voice. "And you don't have to tell me. I know it doesn't make sense." I was a ghost and a goddess, and those two things didn't exactly make me easy to kill. "I was obviously being stupid—-" To my horror, I heard my voice rising with each word, and I abruptly cut myself off.
What was happening to me?
Warm, strong fingers suddenly covered my hand, and it was only then I realized that I had my fingers curled in a fist.
"You weren't being stupid." Hadrian's voice was deep and calm like usual, the sound so wonderfully and reassuringly familiar that I felt myself relaxing. I looked up, thinking to thank him, but instead I found myself distracted.
Oh wow.
There were just times like this when I couldn't help but marvel at how incredibly, amazingly hot Hadrian was. Not an appropriate thought to have, considering the circumstances, but oh well.
I thought hitting the big four-oh would make me more mature, but the way my mind was working right now, m
iddle age only seemed to have made me more hormonal. And hornier.
Then again...that could just be Hadrian's doing. He was, like, super hot—-
"What you're going through is normal."
Dr. Ace's words made me blink. What's normal? Being horny?
"I believe it's one of those side effects I warned you about."
Since Aesculapius was responsible for performing the magical procedure that allowed ambrosia to bond with my blood and have my former ghostly self regain human flesh...
"Are you saying something's wrong with me?" I asked with a gulp. "Physically? Medically? Magically?"
"As I've informed both of you before, the procedure is the first of its kind. With no precedent to guide us, we can only wait and see..."
"Just get to the point," Hadrian gritted out.
"Very well." Dr. Ace's voice was unruffled. "While it will require more tests for me to give an accurate diagnosis, from what I can tell...I believe there's a strong possibility that Saoirse is suffering from the most extreme case of menopause."
I waited for the punch line to come. Or for Dr. Ace to laugh. But when he kept looking at me—-
My jaw dropped. "You're serious?"
"Yes."
"B-But...I haven't even had the thing that happens before menopause! And I'm just forty-one. And...and a goddess!"
"I am truly sorry for this, but..." And you just knew it was bad, when Dr. Ace actually sounded sorry, and his tone had changed from grouchy to gentle. "The fact that you're a goddess is actually the reason the symptoms of your condition are likely to be exacerbated."
I could only stare at him, in a stage of utter denial, and the tightness in my chest only eased a little when I felt Hadrian take my hand in his.
It was a good thing neither of us wanted kids, I thought numbly, or this could be a major deal-breaker.
"This situation is obviously undesirable," Dr. Ace said, "especially in light of the other dangers we have to face, but the good thing to keep in mind is that this side effect is temporary. I fully expect it to go away on its own, in a matter of weeks at most. But until then, you must be prepared for the worst."
"What is the worst?" Hadrian asked quietly.