by Tee, Marian
"It's called being human," I sniped back.
"In our world, we call that a defect." She brightened. "Shall we talk about that instead? You have so many horribly defective traits—-"
"No, Mira. We shan't."
"Then there's nothing else I care to talk about with you." Mira turned back to her test tubes, and I almost smiled. It was nice to know Mira had a sense of humor as long as she was dissing me. Unfortunate talent, but at least I could be sure I'd never be bored while hanging with her.
I watched Hadrian's cousin insert a slide under a microscope, thinking how she had such an air of clever competence it almost seemed unbelievable that she hadn't been able to properly secure her lab.
Or maybe it was just the lab coat, and she wasn't really that smart? Who knew? Who cared? Point was, we were both in the same boat, with Mira having a thief to catch while I had a little snitch to unmask, not just for doing a hatchet job on my reputation but also for forcing me to lie to Hadrian.
The Lord of the Underworld had called me earlier - landlines still existed here, imagine - and because I knew how worried he was, I had denied reading today's paper and practically earned myself an Oscar, just convincing him that everything was peachy, and he had no need to come back and check on me.
A sigh of frustration slipped past my lips. I hated lying to Hadrian, but I had no choice, and it was all that snitch's fault.
There has to be something I can do...
I impatiently drummed my fingers on the dissection table and ignored the nasty look Hadrian's lab-coat-wearing cousin threw my way.
"I'm betting Persephone had a hand with this."
Mira didn't even bother pretending she cared to listen now, but menopause had given me thicker skin than usual, so I went on ranting.
"I mean, it has to be someone on the surface who fed the news to the Underworld Times, and she's the only non-human I can think of who'd have reason to hate me—-"
"Oh, you'd be surprised," she muttered under her breath.
I turned to Mira, asking, "What was that?"
"Nothing."
"Ha! I was kidding, you know. I totally heard you—-"
"I was kidding, too," Mira answered without glancing up from her microscope, "because I wanted you to hear it."
"Mira," I wheedled, "come on. You're Hadrian's cousin. You're blood-bound to help—-"
"Okay, fine." Mira finally swung her seat around. "How exactly do you want me to help?"
"I just don't want Hadrian's subjects to start disrespecting him because of me—-"
Mira cut me off, asking, "Did Hades ever tell you that the Underworld Times wrote about you before?"
"Was it a good piece?" I asked hopefully.
"Oh no." Mira was actually smiling right now, and her eyes were glowing like she was in the middle of reminiscing a rather fond memory. "I believe it said...it's shamefully predictable and appallingly desperate for the upstart to believe she could become a proper goddess just by adding ambrosia to her DNA."
"That kinda sounds like verbatim," I said suspiciously.
But Mira ignored this. "I just want you to understand thoroughly what you're up against—-"
I rolled my eyes. "There's only so many ways you can keep reminding me I'm not the ideal LOTUS."
Mira blinked. "LOTUS?"
"It's...you know what? Never mind. Can we just please focus on solutions? And you must have one, surely?"
"There is one that might work..." Mira's tone became thoughtful. "But I don't know if Hades would approve—-"
"Let's worry about that later," I said eagerly. "What is it...oh." Mira had once again grabbed my hand, but thankfully it wasn't to start tearing my skin open again. This time, she had dumped an object in my hands, and I stared down at it blankly.
A small and exceptionally detailed iron figurine in the shape of a partridge, and sadly...I couldn't recall a partridge in any Hercules episode.
"I'm sorry, but what is this?"
"Perdix is the nephew of Daedalus—-"
"The guy who created the Labyrinth?" I smirked at the look Mira gave me. "Yes, I do—-"
"And that he was killed by his famous uncle?"
"Oh, er, no, I did not know that." But I wasn't surprised she did.
"Daedalus was jealous of Perdix's greatness as an inventor."
Oh, these ancient Greeks. They were such a murderously jealous bunch.
"So when he saw the chance to kill the boy, he took it. He pushed his nephew off the Acropolis—-"
"Seriously?"
"Fortunately for Perdix, Athena saw what was happening, and the goddess saved his life by turning him—-"
"Oh my God!" I stared down at the iron partridge in my hand. "Is this Perdix?"
Mira gave me a pained look. "No."
"It was a logical assumption to make," I said defensively.
"No." Mira looked even more pained. "It's not. May I continue now?"
I started to answer, but it seemed as if Mira was afraid to hear another word from me because she had started talking rather quickly.
"What you're holding is one of Perdix's inventions. If you feed it a drop of your blood, the partridge will come to life and work as a living compass. You can command it to trace the stolen vial, and the partridge will be able to do so since the vial contains your blood."
"So I just command it?" I asked dubiously, "and wait until it comes flying back with the stolen vial?"
"If it were that easy," Mira said patiently, "I'd have done this myself. But it's not. This partridge can only follow you because you are the source of the blood it feeds on. Consequently, you'll need to follow it on foot, go wherever it leads you, and that's why I said Hades is unlikely to approve of this. He thinks you're too weak—-"
"He's just overprotective," I muttered.
"Because you're weak."
Oh, for the love of...
"And since I don't think it's worth risking Hades' wrath by letting you go on this quest alone..."
Chapter Seven
Thirty minutes later, and I was at the back of Hadrian's manor, wondering whether I had it right from the start. When his cousin insisted I take on a suitable companion and that she had the perfect person in mind, I had thought it was rather sweet of her, but...
Snakes for hair, a stare that could turn you into stone, and nails (this was frankly starting to feel like an omen) so long, hard, and crooked they almost seemed like talons.
A Gorgon, for Hell's sake!
Her idea of a perfect companion for me was a Gorgon!
If Mira wanted me dead, couldn't she just be up front about it?
I fought to keep my smile from slipping as I descended the steps to meet the Gorgon halfway. An oversized pair of sunglasses covered almost half of her face, which I was grateful for, naturally. Long live Ray-Ban!
She also had on a plain black dress, short-sleeved and ankle-length, and sensible-looking sandals. Very widow-like, or maybe she simply thought it efficient to have her funeral outfit on, in case she met someone down the road she'd like to kill?
The thought made me feel a little panicky, and this time I knew the Big M hadn't anything to do with it. Just good old fear, and it had me beaming extra brightly as we finally came close enough to each other to talk.
"Um, hi—-"
SNAP!
Her tongue had flashed out with a literal snap, real quick and scary, with her tongue as thin as a popsicle stick but as long as a chopstick, and yes, that was my fear-addled brain making me think in rhymes.
The Gorgon's lips stretched into a smile.
That is our traditional way of greeting.
"That's, um, nice to know."
My name is Sssusssan.
That's how her voice sounded by the way. Like a whisper that slithered straight into your ear instead of going through the proper channels. Vocal cords. Larynx. Air flow. Who needed them when you could hiss insidiously like a Gargon?
"I'm Saoirse—-"
The usurper.
; I'd normally take offense, but because I was LOTUS, I decided to take the higher road. "It's, um, nice meeting you." And in case you were thinking it - my decision had nothing to do with the fact that my companion was a Gorgon. Really.
Thinking that we needed to establish a bit more rapport before heading out on what was possibly a life-threatening quest (God, just using that word made me feel like I'm Zelda IRL), I racked my brains for something else to say but still ended up with something lame.
"I'm glad I won't be doing this alone."
The Gorgon simply stared at me.
I decided to give it another try. "How do you know Mira?"
I ssserve her.
"I see." But actually, no. I didn't. How did that one go about acquiring a Gorgon as an employee?
And now, ssshe sssays I am to ssserve you.
The Gorgon's lip curled as she spoke, and it explained a lot. Like mistress, like servant, which also meant I now had another person whose approval I need to win.
But that was fine.
Part and parcel of being LOTUS, right?
So I summoned up another smile, saying, "I'd rather think we're partnering up for the common good."
That is not proper. Mistress Mira was right. You think like a commoner.
Wonder if Mistress Mira also told her I could punch like a commoner—-
LOTUS, I reminded myself with effort, and so I forced myself to pretend like I didn't hear her say a word. "Anyway..." I took the partridge out of my pocket and showed it to her. "Mira says you know how to make it—-"
I didn't even get to scream.
Just like her mistress, Sssusssan grabbed my hand without warning, and next thing I knew, she had the partridge in her other hand and used its beak to prick my finger.
Holy—-
I actually felt the partridge come to life, its iron beak turning warm as it drank a drop of my blood.
Sssusssan released my hand and hurled the partridge into the air. A part of me expected it to fall to the ground, but instead its iron wings started flapping as the bird hovered over our heads.
Now, we follow.
The partridge flew at a steady pace, and it felt weird at first, walking under skies a flaming shade of orange but not have sweat clinging to my skin. Soon after, we were climbing the same hill Hadrian had taken me to yesterday, but with so much happening between then and now, the memory already seemed like an eternity ago.
My curious and chatty nature eventually got the better of me as we headed downhill, and I found myself forgetting that the Gorgon was one of the most dangerous creatures since...ever, I supposed.
"I was wondering if you could tell me a bit more about you guys...I mean, those who have been—-" Living? But what if she was dead or undead and she deemed the term politically incorrect? Best to play it safe, so I cleared my throat, saying, "—-staying here in the Underworld."
Those who are kin to the Lord of the Underworld ssstill require his permission to live in the realm. But once given, they may come and go as they please.
"And those who aren't related to him by blood?"
It is a long process for those who of us who are ssstill living.
We came upon a familiar fork in the road while Sssusssan was speaking. With one of its paths leading straight out of the Underworld, I was relieved to see the partridge flapping its wings in the other direction. One exit down at least, which meant the thief had yet to escape or have the vial smuggled out of the realm.
This new path was fairly short, and I didn't even have time to ask the Gorgon another question before I started hearing familiar noises.
Sounds that you'd associate with regular day-to-day life.
And soon enough, a town bustling with activity came into view, and it was nothing like I had ever imagined seeing. Maybe I should have. But I didn't.
This is the town center. It makes sssense that our thief would be here.
I couldn't answer yet, stunned and overwhelmed by the sight of a quaintly charming town...populated by, well, skeletons.
"Are they dead?" I heard myself whisper.
In a way. These are humans who, too afraid to find out if they were bound for Tartarus or the Island of the Blessed, have chosen to ssserve Hades for eternity.
The town had an incredible Venetian feel to it, but more...magical. Think bike-riding skeletons weaving through narrow brick-paved alleys, gondolas cruising under stone bridges, and canal houses overlooking the Underworld's secret rainbow-colored river.
Magical, I found myself thinking once again, and it was now easy to see why one would opt to live and work in the Underworld, even if it meant getting used to walking around, um, naked.
"So..." I glanced at Sssusssan. "Do we start asking around about you-know-what?"
That is an option. Or you may feed the partridge another drop of your blood.
Easy for her to say, but since I'd really rather not waste time...
I glanced up. "Hey, Little Iron."
You named it?
"Yep."
But it is not real.
"If guys can name their cars," I said defensively, "why can't I name him?"
Sssso now it has its own gender, too?
Little Iron flew down, and I gave his head a little pat as the bird perched itself on my palm. "It's okay, little one. The Gorgon doesn't mean anything by it, so don't let her hurt your feelings."
Sssusssan's tongue had snapped out again, but this time its scare factor had gone from 250% to 80%. I could be wrong (and end up turned into stone if I was), but I had a feeling Mira's Gorgon servant was all hiss and no bite.
You can be very annoying.
"I think the word you mean is cute."
No.
"Well, give it time, and I'm sure you'll change your mind."
No.
And since her tongue had snapped out again, and this time within striking distance of my cheek, I decided to follow my own advice and switched my attention back to Little Iron. Sssusssan truly just needed time, and sooner or later I'd eventually grow on her. I hoped.
Meanwhile, Little Iron had finished taking a little nip of my blood, and I gave his head a little pat. "Off you go then."
The partridge flew up, and as we followed behind it, I couldn't help but feel a little glum at the way none of the skeletons seemed to give us a second glance. Did they really not know what their new LOTUS looked like? Or did they just not care?
"They hate me," I remarked gloomily to Sssusssan.
Hate is a ssstrong word.
"They can't even bear to look at me—-"
How ssstupid you are. You are walking next to a Gorgon. Of course they would not look this way.
It took a moment to realize the truth in her words, and I let out an explosive sigh of relief. "Oh thank God." I saw Sssusssan open her mouth and forestalled her with a wrinkle of my nose, saying, "Yeah, yeah, I know. Mistress Mira told you I'm stupid, and Mistress Mira is right like always."
Actually...no. I wanted to sssay the partridge has found our next destination. But yes, it is also true that Mistress Mira sssaid you are ssstupid, and ssshe is right.
I made a face. "Very funny."
I was not joking. You are ssstupid.
"Has anyone told you that you're a little too much like your beloved Mistress—-" I broke off upon feeling my iPhone vibrate inside of my pocket. Before taking off, Hadrian had attached a thingamajig to its back, telling me that this would allow my smartphone to work like regular, only I wouldn't be able to contact anyone outside the realm.
And since Hadrian was also the only one in the Underworld who had my number...
Oh dear.
I excused myself from Sssusssan, found myself a private little corner, and took a deep breath before answering my boyfriend's call. "Hey..."
"Hello, milady." His voice was a lot milder than usual. Too mild, actually, that I knew right away I was in trouble.
Chapter Eight
A few skeletal subjects approached me on my way back to Sssus
ssan, and I surprised myself with how easily I took everything in stride and interacted with them like normal. It was nice to know that the Gorgon was right earlier - they didn't hate me, thank God - and even nicer to know that I wasn't afraid of them like I used to be afraid of ghosts (even though I had been a ghost myself).
One skeleton shyly introduced herself as Daisy and asked for a selfie with me, another just wanted to shake my hand (news flash: bones were so amazingly smooth!), while a skeletal couple congratulated me on being the future Mrs. Hades.
It was a happy feeling, and for the very first time I found myself thinking that maybe...just maybe, I wouldn't suck that bad as the new LOTUS.
And as far as my duties as the new Lady went...
Sssusssan had gotten herself a table at one of the canal-facing tavernas while I was away, and I sensed the Gorgon's gaze turning watchful behind her sunglasses as I took my seat.
Is everything alright?
"Hadrian's upset with me." This wasn't a lie. "He thinks it's stupid that I went on this quest. I kinda got the feeling he believes this entire quest is nothing but a joke, and that I'm simply setting myself up for more trouble."
He is correct.
"You're supposed to be on my side," I protested.
I will never be on your ssside. You are too ssstupid for me.
"Please take that back," I said stiffly.
No.
"I mean it, Susan."
Sssee? Only sssomeone ssstupid will get even my name wrong.
"But your name is Susan—-"
It's Sssusssan. Ssstupid.
I let out an indignant gasp. "You know what? That's it. That's the last straw! I'm firing you from this quest—-"
You will die within an hour if you do this alone.
I jumped to my feet. "I mean it, you know."
I, too, meant what I sssaid.
"Whatever." I spun around, heart racing because I could feel the Gorgon's stare following me as I walked away.
Oh man.
I sure hoped Hadrian knew what he was doing, asking me to potentially piss off a Gorgon so I could sneak away and meet him in secret.
As the distance between the Gorgon and me grew, Hadrian's subjects once again found the confidence to come close, and I did my best to accommodate all requests for selfies, handshakes, and even the odd autograph or two.