by Sami Oskar
New Human pets
To ensure your new Human pet is healthy put it in quarantine for a couple of days before introducing it to your main vivarium. Does it have any strange outgrowths not belonging to its normal anatomy? Does it seem apathetic? Force it to move. It should be scared and trying to get away. This might seem as an overly cautious approach but it isn’t. Never take chances. Remember it is cheaper to lose one Human pet then to lose all of them. Make sure never to come in direct contact with your Human pet as it is vulnerable to our bacteria flora. Any object that is introduced to the vivarium has to be sanitized in advance. Sometimes symptoms may show but it doesn’t always have to be caused by diseases, it may also be caused by the change in environment.
The diseases that are described below are only the most common. They are all fairly easy to treat as long as they are discovered in time. Before issuing a treatment make sure that you made the right diagnosis. Remember that even the most neat-kept vivarium can get infected by diseases
External parasites
Sometimes bugs that are kept for cleaning can attach themselves to humans. This is most likely caused by malfunction of your air filtering system that makes the bugs mistake Human pets for food. They can easily be physically removed. Please be careful when handling Human pets and repair your air filtering system.
Fungal infection
Symptoms consist of changes in skin color, bad odor and frenetic scratching. Most likely caused by an environmental change. Check your humidity, your air filtering system to see if the rates are abnormal. If it’s only a mild outbreak use an antiseptic. If that doesn’t work contact your local Human pet provider.
Malnutrition diseases
Symptoms consist of weight loss, teeth loss, hair loss, tiredness, no response to poking, strange behavior and aggression. Caused by too little or wrong kind of fodder. If unsure always use Zaxa™ and Nioo™.
Extreme attachment syndrome
Symptoms consists of lone moaning, wet discharge from eyes, disruptive behavior, rejecting of fodder, non mutual attachment to specimen of opposite gender and refusal to heed calls. Caused by hormonal imbalance. A very common disease that every Human pet owner sooner or later will experience. Put infected specimen in quarantine and mix hormonal treatment, Grojxopin™ in drinking water.
Death of a Human pet
The death of a Human pet is different from the death of a people. Nevertheless we are an emphatic people and we can experience grief when a Human pet dies. Grieving for a Human pet follows the same basic pattern as it does for people, and we can learn a lot about grieving from these experiences. Remember death is a natural part of our existence.
Discarding of a living Human pet
If you for some reason no longer are interested in or able to care for your Human pet return it to your nearest Human pet provider. If this is impractical put it to sleep in a decent way. It is strictly against the law to release Human pets into the wild. They spread like wildfire and devastate the ecosystem.
Experiments and tips
HPC cannot be held liable for any damage caused by these experiments.
Human pets are by nature lazy and will not willingly move unless forced to do so. Since this is not very interesting to observe you might try different methods to increase activity. It is possible, without causing irreversible harm or distress to your Human pets, to perform simple experiments and observations. Any Human pet can be used in making interesting studies on behavior. Here are a few tips:
1) Human pets are driven by biological instincts and chemical reactions that can be fun to manipulate. Try introducing pheromones, drugs and other substances.
2) Memory test. Place down fodder at regular times and always in the same spot. Do your Human pets understand and get out in time for meals? Human pets have good memory when it comes to basic needs.
3) Human pets have no self restraint so if you gradually change their daily doses you can manipulate their size. Observe them grow or decrease in size.
4) Human pets have a strong capacity of uniting in face of danger. Introduce a Razor Denti or similar creatures that you can find at your nearest Human Pet Provider. Watch them fend for themselves. Caution! If there is not enough shelters a Razor Denti can seriously decimate your Human pet population.
5) Human pets have minimal intelligence that can be slightly improved with exercises. Give them a simple task, hide their food and let them search for it. Hang their food from the ceiling and see if they can cooperate to reach it. To make sure that they try their best let them starve for a few days in advance.
Note: For more exciting and fun experiments. Please read the popular 500 things to do with your Human pet by HPC’s founder Bouo Tzi.
Common misconceptions
We are a curious and emphatic people and we often see our self in others. This is usually to our benefit but sometimes our imagination runs wild. This has lead to a string of misconceptions about Human pets.
It has been suggested that the structures that the Human pets inhabit in wild are signs of civilization. However remember that these structures are no more complex then the hives of the Cochobird.
There are some that have the misguided belief that Human pets are harmed by captivity and that we should leave them be. But then again what is their purpose if not for our enjoinment?
The popular story, the Grochnaicha incident is an urban myth. Anyone with some sense understands that Human pets can never somehow rise up and become a threat to us.
There are no Human pet parts in perfume. This is an illogical myth. Their smell is not appealing.
Science fiction stories about Human pets developing a higher form of consciousness and technology are if not impossible, improbable. They have no tentacles, a mile stone in evolution.
Frequently Asked Questions
My Human pet is aggressive. What should I do?
Don’t be too hasty. Human pets solve conflicts through violence. Wait ½ persip. If you’re Human pet doesn’t calm down use a bag net and put it in quarantine. If this doesn’t help you can try to introduce sedatives to its drinking water. This will temporary solve the problem. Keep your Human pet in quarantine and under observation for at least 12 seriths. If nothing changes please contact your Human Pet Provider.
Help, my Human pet has stopped eating!
Try to change its diet. It might also be a sign of sickness. If it doesn’t get better in a few days – contact a vet.
Yesterday I had 5 Human pet infants. Today I only have 2. What happened?
Do you have a Three Horned Tenti in your vivarium? Look for small white bones in dark places. Build more shelters for your Human pet.
My Human pets are building something and I don’t know what it is.
Destroy it quickly.
My Human pets have escaped from the vivarium.
Buy Human pet traps. It is important to catch stray Human pets before they hurt themselves or escapes into nature. They spread like wild fire.
Do Human pets dream?
Does a Cochobird have a sense of humor? Does a small Boncccobu know how long a year is? Science cannot answer these kinds of questions. Maybe one day there will be a device that tells us what animals are thinking.
One of my Human pets makes strange symbols in the soil.
This doesn’t mean anything. You can ignore it.
My Human pets always scatter and hide when I come near the vivarium.
This could be because they fear you. Give them treats so they will become more familiar with you and soon they will stop hiding from you.
My Human pet is not moving.
Wait 2 seriths, it might be asleep. If it doesn’t wake up poke it with a padded poking rod. If it starts moving catch it with a bag net or grabber and put it in quarantine in case of disease. You don’t want to endanger your whole Human pet population. Try diagnosing and treating the disease if it doesn’t get better by itself.
Note: If your warranty is still valid. Please contact your Human Pet Provider for a new specimen.
For more advanced troubleshooting please buy The Complete Human Pet Troubleshooting Guide. This is only a limited selection of the problems that can arise.
Finally, we encourage you to speak with experienced owners or your local Human pet provider. Expect to dedicate a lot of time and energy to properly take care of your Human pets. There simply are no shortcuts. If you want easy, we suggest getting a Morsh fish.