He tried to speak but could only manage a whispered croak. He swallowed and tried again. “I thought…”
Her eyes widened, and she shook her head. “I would ne’er do that when Ewan is alive. Aye, it crossed my mind, but not for more than a moment. What if he needed me and I was gone? As long as he is in this world, I will be too.”
“Even though you thought you might ne’er see him again?” His chest and throat tightened again at the sacrifice she’d made for his son.
Her face crumpled, and she stepped away from him. He moved toward her, wanting to comfort her, to tell her all would be well, that he would do his best to keep her and Ewan together.
“Deirdre—”
She held a hand out to him and took a deep breath to steady herself. “Nay, listen. Please.” She lifted her skirts and knelt on the grass in front of him in supplication. “Laird MacKinnon—”
“It’s Gavin,” he said hoarsely. “You’ve used my name before.” He stood there dumbly. He knew he was the one who should be on his knees asking forgiveness from her.
She quickly raised her eyes to his, then dropped them again. “Gavin. I ask you—no, I beg you—doona separate me from Ewan.” She spoke in a rush now. “You’re right. I’m not his mother, but he loves me like I am. And I love him like a son. If you care about him, and I know you do, you’ll want him to be happy and feel safe. If I just disappear from his life, he’ll feel abandoned and unloved, and that will stay with him forever.”
He grasped her hands and tried to lift her up, but she pulled down.
“Nay, I’m not done. I know you said it was impossible for me to stay because of who I am—a laird’s daughter, another laird’s daughter-in-law—but none of that matters to me. I doona have to be Deirdre MacIntyre. I can take another name, be anyone you want me to be. You can tell Lewis and my family that I died. Tell them I jumped here today. That I was unstable, and I almost took you with me when you attempted to save me.”
He tried to lift her again, wanting to comfort her in his arms, but she misunderstood and panicked, talking faster and louder, almost fighting him in her desperation. “Please! I’m smart and educated. I can continue teaching Ewan. Or I can be another nursemaid for him. I can help Annag. We’ll say I’m her niece or goddaughter or something.”
“Deirdre, hush. You doona have to do any of that. I canna tell everyone you died. And I doona—”
“Yes, you can! I doona mind—I want you to! If you’re worried people will recognize me, set me up on a farm or in another village. Just bring Ewan to visit me. Please! Even once a month. I canna bear for him to think I’ve left him behind,” she wailed.
Gavin bent to clasp her upper arms and lift her up to standing this time. He wrapped his arms around her and tucked her tightly to him as she sobbed into his chest.
“Doona take him away. Please, doona take him away!”
“I promise, Deirdre,” he said. “We’re turning around. You’ll be back with him tonight. I willna take him away from you again. But you will stay with him as Deirdre MacIntyre, his mother. Not his tutor or his nursemaid. I’ll keep you with him as long as I can and for as long as you want to stay. It will not be my choice to separate the two of you.”
She’d stopped talking, looked up at him, and listened—eyes searching his face for signs that he spoke truthfully. “Verily?” she whispered.
“Aye, do you remember what I told you when we left your keep?”
She shook her head, and he didn’t blame her. How could she remember anything when she’d been consumed with fear that her son would be taken away from her? “I said I would ne’er lie to you. That you wouldnae always like what I had to say, but I would always be truthful.”
Her lips trembled, and his eyes were drawn down to them, lush, red, and wet from her tears. His arms tightened around her, and he was suddenly aware of how she felt against him. Soft and curved, her flesh yielded against the hard planes and bulges of his muscles.
She stepped back, and he almost groaned at the loss of her warmth. If she had been his, he would want her against him always.
“So, we can leave now, then? You’ll take me back to Ewan?”
He could see she couldn’t quite believe it, believe him, and he clasped her hand and squeezed. “Aye.”
She smiled, those red lips trembling, her eyes filled with relief and joy. “Thank you, Laird MacKinnon. Thank you.”
“Gavin,” he said, insisting again, then he lifted her hand and bestowed a brief, chaste kiss to the soft spot between her thumb and first finger. “And I doona deserve your thanks. ’Tis me who is grateful. Thank you, Deirdre, for loving my son—our son. And for saving him. I ne’er should have separated you. I’m sorry. I promise to do better from now on, to be a better man—a better father to Ewan and a better…friend to you. Please, forgive me.”
She nodded jerkily, and a sob broke free. She pressed her lips together. He longed to press his there too, to kiss the tears that ran down her face, to feel her mouth tremble against his.
Turning away before he did something he’d regret, Gavin led her across the clearing toward the trailhead. He whistled to let Sheamais know they were coming.
They were going home.
When they reached the bottom of the trail and entered the clearing, his men had already mounted their horses and were waiting for them, Clyde at his usual place in the front. Tomaidh hurried toward them, tugging his mare behind him. “Laird, the men told me you’re heading back?”
“Aye, Tomaidh. I’ll send two of my men with you, but I need to return Lady Deirdre to our son immediately. Tell Master Lewis I have complete faith in my men. He’s to tell them everything he would have told me—especially how he came to have Ewan.”
“But Master Lewis—”
Deirdre tugged her hand free from his and grasped Tomaidh’s arm. “Nay, Tomaidh. I doona want to go back. Ewan is staying with the MacKinnons, and I want to stay with him. Lewis gave him to me, saying he was my son and I was to raise him. He’ll understand why I choose to remain with him now.”
“But…he’s your husband!”
“Aye, and he’ll also understand when I say, I know he willna miss me. I’ve enjoyed our games of chess and his companionship on many long nights. He’s a good man, but that will ne’er replace my son’s love.”
Tomaidh continued to look concerned and confused. “You’re certain?”
She nodded. “Tell him he has my eternal gratitude for taking such good care of the young lass who came into his keeping seven years ago and for giving Ewan MacKinnon to me. I doona know what happened, but I know in my heart he would ne’er have stolen him, and I thank him for my son’s life. I hope to see him again someday soon.”
Tomaidh dipped his head in acknowledgment. “Be well, my lady.”
“And you, Tomaidh.”
The lad turned the mare in the direction they’d been heading originally, followed by two of Gavin’s warriors. Another man brought Thor over, and Gavin took the reins. “Are you ready, lass?”
She nodded. “Will we be home before dark? I would like to tuck my son in.”
“Yes. And I’ll tuck him in with you. ’Tis good for him to know we are on the same side.” He looked at the sun in the sky. “We’ll be home in just a few hours.”
“Surely it took longer than that to get here? Will we take a different route back?”
“Nay. But…in my heart I didn’t want to take you to Lewis, no matter what my head said was the right choice, so our pace slowed as we drew closer. Now that we’re on our way back to Ewan and I’ve decided to keep you with us, my head and heart are aligned. We may run the entire way back.”
Her brow raised. “I love my son, and I’m overjoyed you’ve changed your mind, but when it comes to running all the way home, my heart and my backside are not aligned. ’Tis all right if we put Ewan to bed a wee bit later, so that I can
still walk up the stairs when we get there.”
He grinned, and he felt the joy of it all the way down to his toes. When she grinned back, he couldn’t help the laugh that burst from the very center of him. It wasn’t just his heart and head that had finally aligned. Deirdre had set his soul free too.
Nine
The castle came into view in the dimming light. Elation pushed up from Gavin’s chest, causing him to suck in a loud, rough breath of air. He was home. Deirdre was home. Their son was waiting for them.
It felt like they were almost a family.
She turned her head and looked at him over her shoulder from her seat in the saddle. “Are you well?”
“Aye, lass. Verra well.” He felt awash in happiness, and even the prospect of facing down Kerr didn’t daunt him. It was a penalty he’d gladly pay for lying to his foster brother and Isobel, and for trying to separate Deirdre from his son. It’s not like Kerr would kill him.
Not on purpose anyway.
Deirdre turned her head forward again and leaned against him. He wanted to wrap his arms around her middle and rest his cheek on her hair—inhale her scent—but he couldn’t do that to her. Or to himself.
He was drawn to her in so many ways, but he couldn’t act on his feelings. She’d chosen their son over her husband, but she was still married to Lewis—who she claimed was a good man. As did Kerr.
For her sake, he would withhold judgment until he knew the truth about Ewan’s kidnapping.
Not only would it besmirch his honor to make advances of that nature toward a married woman, but she might feel unsafe. In her eyes, her position in the castle was dependent on his goodwill. She might worry that if she didn’t reciprocate his amorous feelings, he’d separate her from Ewan again.
He was in a powerful position over her. He must never forget that.
They passed the half-built cathedral, and Deirdre’s eyes stayed on it as they rode by. He liked that she was interested in so many different things—architecture and mathematics, as well as other topics he’d heard her talking to Ewan about. As she’d said earlier, she was smart and educated.
“What sort of subjects did you study?” he asked.
She paused before answering, and he imagined that wee furrow forming in her brow as she tried to understand his meaning. It made him smile.
“You mean when I was a lass?”
“Aye. I know you studied mathematics, but what else?”
“Language, music, history, art. And geometry. That was my favorite. My tutor gifted me with his geometry set when I left my clan to marry Lewis. I used it to teach Ewan. I’m sad I left it behind.”
“We’ll get you another one, lass.”
“Thank you.”
“’Tis similar to my education,” he said. “But we also learned about war, of course, and politics. And how to manage our lands and resources for the good of the clan.”
“And from everything I hear, you’ve done well.”
“Aye, we’ve been prosperous. My father did not have a head for trade or commerce, but he listened well to those who did. Men he trusted, including Gregor MacLeod. I understand more than he did, but I still listen.”
“’Tis the sign of a good leader.” Her voice picked up. “My tutor read much of Thucydides’s History of the Peloponnesian War to me. I was fascinated by Thucydides’s account of the conflict between the Spartans and the Athenians.”
“We studied it as well. He did a fair job recording the battle, for sure.”
“A fair job? But it was wonderful—and from both sides!”
Her enthusiasm and indignation amused him. “Aye, I only meant…he’s an Athenian; he will be biased in his account, aye? ’Tis human nature.”
“I doona think so. He writes from an objective point of view. His descriptions are detached from emotion and judgment.”
“And still you loved it. Do you speak Greek, then?”
“Nay, only Latin, English, and French. And Gaelic, of course. Verily, I doona have an ear for language. I could learn the grammatical rules and the words, but I always had a hard time comprehending what my tutor was saying.”
“We had to learn all those and more. And Gregor made sure we understood. If we didn’t and made a strategic mistake in our war games because of it, we got a dunking in the loch. Then we had to run around the castle wall several times.” He smiled just thinking about it.
She gasped. “That sounds awful.”
“Aye, it was. Especially if I brought my fellow warriors down with me. They ne’er let me forget it. Kerr still brings up a mistake I made once on the coldest day of the year. That dip in the loch was the worst ever. We were all shivering and blue when we got home.”
“But you could have died!”
“Nay, Gregor kept a keen eye on us, and we watched out for each other. It made us stronger and faster, and ’twas a better punishment than cleaning out the chamber pots, which we were also forced to do on several occasions. But those transgressions usually involved Gregor’s uisge-beatha. He kept the good whisky locked up tight.” He grinned in remembrance. “We found the key.”
Deirdre looked over her shoulder again and laughed. The sound made him catch his breath—the way her face lit up made him lose it all over again. The sooner they arrived at the keep the better, before she suspected that the hard lump pressing into her arse was anything more than just his sporran.
“Will Ewan be fostered with Gregor, then?”
“Aye, I hope so, but not for several years. And my foster brothers doona have children yet, although Darach’s wife, Caitlin, is pregnant, and Lachlan and Callum are both recently married. But Gregor may have other lads in mind for fosters, other alliances he wants formed.”
“Did you e’er see your family once you went to live there?” She sounded worried, and he had to smile—a mother already missing her son.
“Aye, we went home during the harvest to help, and our families were welcome to visit anytime. We still gather together regularly. You will see Ewan grow up, Deirdre. Doona worry.”
They’d reached the portcullis, and the horses trotted under it just as the sun was setting. He peered toward the stairs of the keep, looking for Kerr and Isobel. Sure enough, the door at the top of the stairs flew open and Isobel ran out. She stopped halfway down, her long, blond hair still visible in the dying sun, her hands clenching her skirts anxiously.
Regret washed through him like a storm. Aye, he’d hurt more people than just Deirdre today.
It was tempting to go to the stables first, to delay the inevitable, but he directed Thor straight toward the stairs. The door at the top opened again, and Kerr came out. His face was shuttered, his fists clenched, and his mouth shut.
Aye, there was to be a reckoning.
He sighed. “Promise me something.”
“Anything,” Deirdre said.
“When we dismount, you will take Isobel with you up to the nursery, and you will shut the door. Kerr and I need to…discuss what happened. He’s upset.”
“But he looks so calm.”
“That’s the problem. If he were yelling at me, I would tell you not to worry.”
“So you’re saying I should be worried?”
“Nay, I just meant…Kerr willna hurt me, Deirdre. Not much, anyway. And God’s truth, I deserve it. But I doona want Isobel in the way. Kerr and I have to work it out or it will drive a wedge between us. Understand?”
“And you canna work it out with words?”
“Nay.”
“But you’re all so educated!”
“What does that have to do with anything? Educated men canna fight? Thucydides was a historian and a general. We’re warriors, Deirdre. Nothing will clear the air better than a hard-fought tussle.”
She made an exasperated sound, and he suspected she also rolled her eyes. It made him want to nip her ear. Then li
ck it. See if she was still rolling her eyes after that.
He whistled, and a stable hand ran to meet them at the bottom of the stairs. Gavin dismounted and handed over the reins, then reached behind him and unstrapped his sword, which he also gave to the young groom. “When you’re done with Thor, deliver the sword to my bedchamber.”
The lad’s eyes grew round, and he sagged under the weight as he took the heavy broadsword. “Aye, Laird. Would you have me take it to the blacksmith and sharpen it first?”
“Nay, that willna be necessary.”
He reached up to help Deirdre dismount, and she slid easily into his arms. Her trust warmed him and gave him more strength to face Kerr’s wrath and Isobel’s condemnation. When Thor was led away, he kept his arm around Deirdre, not letting go until Isobel lifted her skirts and ran the rest of the way down the stairs.
She’d been crying, her eyes red.
He released Deirdre, thinking his sister intended to hug her new friend, but instead she sprang into Gavin’s arms and squeezed tight. He barely caught her in time to steady her.
“You’re back,” she whispered into his ear, and he knew she meant the old Gavin had returned. “You would ne’er have come home with her unless you felt her heart breaking, unless you opened your heart again and chose to share Ewan with her.”
He slowly returned her embrace, then squeezed even harder as emotion filled him. “Aye, Izzy. I’m back.” His throat tightened, and his voice came out sounding rough and raw. “And I’m sorry I’ve put you through such hell the last few years. E’er since Ewan was taken—”
“Nay, e’er since you married Cristel. But that doesn’t matter anymore.” She lifted her head from where she’d tucked it against his neck and smiled. “We’re whole again.” Then she reached across and grasped Deirdre’s hand, drew her closer. “Thanks to you.”
“Aye, Deirdre, thank you,” he said. “And remember your promise.”
“What promise?” Isobel asked.
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