Impassioned: A Salvation Society Novel

by Lea Coll

  “They do missions, but I don’t think you’d be gone for more than a few days at a time.”

  It still wasn’t ideal with a child, but there were only so many jobs for pilots. Maybe I could hire a nanny. When Rebecca was pregnant, her life had changed, not mine. It was time for me to adjust to be there for Everett. He needed me.

  This was my opportunity to be the dad I hadn’t been before. Everett was eleven. If I didn’t engage with him soon, he’d be eighteen and gone. “If you could put in a good word for me or pass along my information, that would be great.”

  “Sure thing. As long as you help me when I get out.”

  “Will do. You still planning to retire from the Navy?” I took a sip of my water.

  “For now. I don’t have a wife or any kids to worry about.”

  “They sure change everything.” I shouldn’t have relied on Rebecca to be everything to him. I should have spent more time with him. Maybe I thought I had more time than I did.

  After dinner, I headed back to my office, one of the few designated areas to use cell phones. I hated to be one of those guys who anxiously awaited updates from home, but lately I lived for Mia’s photos.

  The captions on her pictures gave me a glimpse into her life. At first, it was pictures of Stark sleeping on his bed or chasing a tennis ball. Lately, she seemed to take Stark everywhere with her she could. Mia and Everett were my only friends on social media, so her pictures usually popped up. She appeared to have a lot of friends that she hung out with after work and on the weekend. No boyfriend that I could tell. I didn’t want to think about why I’d noticed.

  I sat at my desk, turning on my phone before bringing up Messenger. There was a new message.

  Mia: Everett was called to the principal’s office today for plagiarizing his paper.

  Everett had always been a good kid until Rebecca walked out. Mia messaged me hours ago. With the time difference, she was probably asleep. Maybe she’d respond when she woke up. I wanted to know the story before I sent Everett a message.

  Mason: What happened?

  I was surprised when the dots appeared indicating she was writing a message. Finally, the message popped up.

  Mia: He got a zero but if he redoes the paper, he could get half credit.

  I ran my fingers through my hair, frustrated with Everett. He probably didn’t want to do the extra work.

  Mason: I’ll talk to him.

  I could send him a message, but Everett could easily ignore it. There wasn’t much I could do this far away. My parents could take away his video games but then what would he have to do while he was alone in that house? He could leave with his so-called friends to get into more trouble.

  I glanced at the time, calculating what it would be on the East Coast. It was eleven p.m. by Mia.

  Mason: Wait. What are you doing up so late?

  Mia: I just got back from a date.

  No wonder I hadn’t gotten a picture of Stark today.

  Mason: How did it go?

  I cringed. What did it matter to me?

  Mia: It was fine. Normally, I would go on a second date, but I’m trying to turn over a new leaf.

  Mason: Why go out with him again if you aren’t into him?

  Why the fuck was I talking about her date as if I was a girl or as if I cared? Part of it was I mainly spoke to guys on the ship. We only had one female pilot. She was quiet among the rowdier men. The part of me that denied needing a connection to home craved contact with Mia.

  Mia: I tend to jump into relationships. Before you know it, I’m declaring my love and he’s running in the other direction.

  I chuckled and then glanced around. I was still alone in my office.

  Mason: I don’t blame them.

  Mia: What about you? Any girls pining after you at home?

  Mason: Fuck no.

  Mason: Sorry, I shouldn’t swear. I’m so used to being around guys all the time.

  Mia: It’s okay. I get it. So, any girls?

  Mason: I date women not girls, but no. Nothing serious.

  Not since Rebecca. I hadn’t wanted to get involved with anyone, not when I was so busy with the Navy and Everett.

  Mia: I can understand that. It would be hard to have a relationship while you’re deployed.

  Mason: It is. I tend to detach from whatever’s going on at home so I can make it through.

  Mia: And here I am telling you all the bad stuff that’s going on here.

  Mason: No, I need to know. I hate that Everett is acting up.

  It solidified my decision to retire when my deployment was up.

  Mia: It’s understandable since his mother recently left and you’re gone too.

  I wanted to say he has you, but she was his counselor. I’d gotten the impression she went above and beyond checking in on him, but maybe she did that with all of the troubled kids.

  Mason: I’ll be home in a few months.

  Mia: Looking forward to seeing Everett, Stark, and you reunited :)

  I smiled at her smiley face emoji. If one of the men saw me, they’d give me a hard time. Only the younger guys pined after girls back home. The more seasoned guys compartmentalized their families and focused on the job.

  I fly sixty-million-dollar planes for a living, trained to fire missiles. I had to be focused, not worried about what was going on at home or I’d screw up.

  For the first time, I couldn’t wait to get home. I’d miss flying fighter jets and gunning, but I only had six more years before Everett graduated. I needed to make the most of that time. Make up for the last eleven years and make the next seven count.

  Mason: Will you help when I get back? I’m not sure how to help Everett.

  I need you. I thought it but I didn’t write it.

  Mia: Of course. I’m happy to help. I think having you here will solve some of his anxiety. Maybe he doesn’t trust that you will come back? His mother abandoned him. He’s worried you will too.

  Mason: I originally wanted to retire with the Navy. Flying fighter jets for a living—I can’t even describe it. It’s challenging and exhilarating. It’s like your arms have wings. So, maybe he doesn’t believe me when I say I’ve changed my mind. But his mother walking out was a game changer. It put everything into perspective.

  Mia: I never thought about what you do, but it is pretty awesome. How do you land a jet on an aircraft carrier?

  Mason: There’s that nanosecond coming in where you think if I fuck this up, I crash into the side of the carrier, killing everyone on the flight deck. It’s a huge responsibility. We practice on land before we try it on the carrier. We do it so many times it becomes routine.

  When we come in, we’re flying only a few knots above the point where the plane will stop flying and fall out of the air. It’s an adjustment to fly that slow and the actual landing is violent, my tail hook catches on the arresting gear wire bringing the plane to a full stop. Some of the guys describe it as having sex in a car accident.

  I cringed when I reread my message. I was crass when I hung out with the other guys on the carrier. The women here were used to it, but Mia wasn’t. I watched the bubbles appear and disappear while I waited for her response.

  Mia: That’s an interesting analogy.

  Mason: There are guys on deck whose job it is to check my speed, whether the tail hook is down, and whether the deck is safe to land. It’s like anything we practice—it’s hard and scary at first with everything happening too fast. When I first learned dive-bombing, all I cared about was pulling out after I dropped the bomb. The whole thing took fifteen seconds. The more I practiced, the more time slowed. I was able to check my altitude, check the sight, and actually fly the plane into a better position before dropping the bomb.

  Mia: I’m in awe right now. I’m officially amazed.

  I hadn’t told her to impress her. I wasn’t sure why I’d told her at all.

  Mia: You’re a badass.

  I laughed.

  Mason: That’s how I felt in the air. After
I’m done flying, it’s this incredible feeling that stays with me. It’s a rush.

  Mia: I bet. It will be hard to come back to boring civilian life.

  I closed my eyes. Would I get the same rush from anything else? Would bonding with Everett be the same? I didn’t think anything could replace the feeling of flying a fighter jet.

  Mia: Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.

  Mason: It’s tough. I love my job but—

  Mia: You love Everett more.

  Mason: Yes.

  Giving up a career I loved would be worth it in the end. I’d never regret giving up the Navy for my child. I just hoped I wasn’t too late.

  Chapter Five

  Mia

  I closed the door when the last person who’d come over for Friendsgiving left, taking Stark outside, before locking up and heading to bed. My aunt and uncle didn’t expect me on Thanksgiving, unlike Christmas. I hosted, making the turkey and stuffing. Everyone else brought one dish, resulting in too much food. We’d expanded over the years, adding boyfriends and friends who couldn’t make it home for whatever reason.

  After I’d pulled on pajamas and brushed my teeth, I opened my Messenger app to a new message.

  Mason: How was your Thanksgiving?

  One simple message sent a few hours ago sent warmth flooding my veins.

  Mia: It was good.

  Mason: Just good?

  We hadn’t discussed our plans for the day. We didn’t usually. I wondered if he was feeling lonely on the holiday. Was Everett having a big dinner with his grandparents or did they not make it a big thing?

  Mia: I had friends over. It’s a tradition. Tell me what it’s like having Thanksgiving on an aircraft carrier?

  I soaked up any tidbits he’d given me about his daily life.

  Mason: It’s a turkey dinner for five thousand people if you can imagine. You’re away from friends and family, surrounded by your Naval family. Some guys have a tougher time than others. I’d like to say it gets easier, but this year seems harder.

  Is that why he’d reached out to me when he usually didn’t?

  Mia: You’ll be home soon.

  Mason: Right.

  I wanted to know more. Maybe my trite response wasn’t what he needed.

  Mia: It must be particularly hard this year leaving Everett.

  Mason: Can I video call you?

  My heart skipped a beat. He wanted to talk to me on video? I quickly scanned my outfit. Once I was satisfied I was covered, I responded.

  Mia: Sure.

  My phone was ringing, my heart beating out of my chest. My finger shook as I pressed accept.

  “Hey.” His rumbly low voice filled my chest.

  “Hi, Mason.” A smile spread over my face at the sight of him. White T-shirt stretched tight over his chest, hair trimmed close. I could see the wall behind him, papers pinned to it, but couldn’t figure out if he was in his office or somewhere else.

  “This is the only quiet place I can be on the phone.”

  “It doesn’t sound quiet.” There was this constant noise coming from his feed.

  “Relatively speaking. The carrier is never quiet. Planes are taking off and landing all hours of the day. It’s tough to sleep.”

  His eyes did have circles under them.

  “It sounds tough.” My voice was soft. I wanted to reach through the phone to soothe him, to touch his arm, his chest, the soft stubble of his hair.

  “It is. You get used to it, but not really.” He shrugged.

  I wanted to say it’s okay to say you’re having a tough day. I am too. Were we at that point yet? This phone call felt more intimate than anything between us so far.

  “Today was tough. I’m not on an aircraft carrier thousands of miles from my family, so it seems silly to feel this way, but I’m lonely.” I’d bared myself in the hopes of taking the attention off of him.

  He cocked a brow. “Really? I would think you had it all together. In your pictures, you’re always smiling, happy, with a lot of friends.”

  “Looks can be deceiving, I guess. I surround myself with friends, but at the end of the day, my house is empty. Other than Stark of course.” I patted his head resting on my knee.

  “I hadn’t thought about it like that.” Mason’s tone was thoughtful, his eyes focused on me.

  He was intense. His focus was probably what made him good at his job, but when he turned his attention on me, it felt better than anything else. It was like he saw me. The woman who’d been looked over since her parents died.

  “You can be lonely no matter where you are or what you’re doing. It’s the people you surround yourself with. I’m surrounded by friends but want more. I want someone to call my own, a family.” My face heated at my honesty.

  He was quiet as if taking in everything I’d said, digesting it.

  I waved my hand. “Forget I said anything, I’m just rambling. I’ll feel better tomorrow.”

  “Don’t do that.” His tone was commanding, one I was positive he used on sailors under his station.

  “Don’t do what?” I looked at him, sitting straighter in bed.

  “Don’t act like what you said was nothing, when it was everything.” His voice was hard, each word enunciated.

  “I don’t know why I’m telling you things. You probably have people to talk to, things to do.”

  “You told me for a reason.” His voice gentled.

  Something warm unfurled in my stomach. “I did?”

  “Yeah, you don’t say things for no reason.”

  “I guess I’m not usually so negative.”

  “You can’t always be the upbeat one. The one everyone turns to for a good time. You have to take care of yourself.”

  “I’m trying. Maybe I’ll get a dog when Stark goes home.” I wanted more than a dog. I wanted a boyfriend. Someone who was there for me, who saw me.

  “You deserve everything, Mia. You care so much about other people.”

  “How do you know?” I picked at my comforter, not able to look at him while he seemingly stripped me bare.

  “Mia, look at me.”

  I raised my eyes.

  He’d shifted closer to the screen and lowered his voice so that all I saw was him. “You took in a stranger’s dog. You insisted on sending me pictures when I told you not to.”

  He smiled, shaking his head. “You checked on Everett because you knew I couldn’t be there. You care about him.”

  I care about you.

  “I thought about what you said that one time, about you falling for guys too easily.”

  “Yeah?” My voice was high-pitched. My heart raced at the idea he’d thought about me.

  “It’s the guys’ problem, not yours. They don’t deserve you.”

  How could he possibly know that?

  My disbelief must have been apparent on my face because he continued, “Someone like you deserves a guy who’ll give you back that same concern and care.”

  I looked away from the screen. “What if that guy doesn’t exist?”

  “Maybe you’re looking for him in the wrong place.”

  “I stopped looking lately, and still nothing.” I was usually hopeful, but tonight I felt defeated.

  “Promise me you’ll keep your eyes open for someone who deserves you.”

  “I will. I’ll let you know when I find him.”

  He smiled probably for the first time since I’d met him and winked. “I have to go. Have a good evening, Mia. I’ll talk to you soon.”

  Guys walked into the room, roughhousing, and laughing. Mason clicked off.

  “Night Mason,” I said softly to the blank screen. He’d said he’d talk to me soon. I relaxed onto the bed the phone still clutched tightly in my hands.

  Mason was sensitive in ways I hadn’t expected. He was perceptive too. Was it wrong to want him?

  As soon as I thought about it, I dismissed the idea. He was a fantasy. The man I dreamed about in my sleep. He wasn’t reality. I went for the desk-job guy, wi
th a good income, who liked me. Hot guys who flew fighter jets, and video called me on Thanksgiving evening because he was lonely wasn’t reality, not mine anyway.

  The men who set your heart racing and your blood pumping weren’t marriage material. They were one-night stands, guys you admired from afar.

  Biting my lip, I knew I was not being honest with myself. I’d gotten a glimpse of Mason tonight. One I knew he didn’t give to just anyone.

  I wanted to tell him my secrets until there was nothing left, until I told him the biggest one of all—I wanted him any way I could get him.

  Chapter Six

  Mia