Impassioned: A Salvation Society Novel

by Lea Coll

  I smiled, hoping his quick response meant that he wanted to see me too.

  Mia: Sure.

  Mason: I signed a lease for a house today. We’ll be able to move in a couple of weeks.

  I ignored the pang in my chest that Stark would be leaving soon like I feared.

  Mia: That’s great.

  Mason: Are you going to miss Stark?

  Mia: Yes.

  My house will seem so empty when he’s gone. I’ll be so empty. I covered my chest with my hand pressing down on the sharpening pain.

  Mason: I’m sure I’ll need your help watching him here and there if I’m traveling for work. If you wouldn’t mind, of course?

  Mia: I’d love to.

  Great. Now I was his dog sitter. I was his son’s counselor, his dog’s sitter, could I be any more helpful? I’d tried making myself indispensable at school, with my friends, and now with him. The next thing I know, I’d be watching Everett so he can go out and pick up some woman at a bar.

  I repeated the mantra, I shouldn’t care because he was the opposite of the guys I was normally attracted to. If he was looking for anyone, I probably wasn’t his type either. The only thing that eased my mind was thoughts of seeing him tomorrow morning.

  Mason

  I was counting down the days until we could move out of my parents’ house. They weren’t around much with their work schedule, but when they were, Mom made negative comments about Everett’s issues at school and my job choices. My dad couldn’t believe I’d give up the Navy’s signing bonus to work a civilian job. At the same time, they didn’t want to watch Everett while I was deployed, so his stance made no sense to me.

  If I’d re-signed, I wouldn’t retire until Everett was twenty-four. I needed this time with him. But you can’t explain that to someone who put work obligations first.

  Before I had Everett, I thought they were different with my younger sister, Avery. I’d imagined they’d treated her better, praising her instead of berating her because her grades were better than mine, and she never got into trouble. Seeing how my parents were with Everett I didn’t think they were different with Avery. She’d reached out to me at the beginning of my deployment, wishing me good luck. We’d emailed back and forth a few times about surface-level stuff, but I wanted to make more of an effort to get to know her.

  “You ready to go?” I asked Everett.

  “Yeah.” Everett placed his dish on the counter, starting to walk away when Mom said, “Can you put your dish in the dishwasher, then take out the trash?”

  Her tone implied the answer. Everett sighed before retracing his steps to put the dish away before taking the bag out of the can, and out the back door.

  She waited until he was gone, then turned to me. “You need to teach him some manners.”

  I wanted to teach Everett the value of chores, but I wanted to start when we were in our own

  place, without my parents’ interference.

  Mom placed her hand on her hip and raised her brow. “Are you listening to me?”

  “I’m listening. We have to go to the dog park to meet Mia.”

  Mom crossed her arms across her chest, tilting her head to the side. “Mia? Isn’t that the same name as the school counselor? The one who took Everett to the airport?”

  “She brought him to see me.” I ground my teeth so I wouldn’t say what I was thinking, how it was an amazing surprise, one I’d relived in my mind since I’d returned home. She’d done something for me no one had before. She’d anticipated a need I didn’t even know I had. The need for someone to greet me when I came home. Someone to acknowledge I was gone.

  I never thought my absence mattered much when I was gone. Everett had Rebecca, but this time, Everett needed me, and I couldn’t be there for him. I’d only been discharged a few weeks, but anytime I missed flying fighter jets, I thought of Everett’s face and how old he’d be if I’d taken the extension on my term. This was our time. Rebecca had done me a favor. She’d reminded me how important I was in Everett’s life.

  “Don’t you think that’s a little inappropriate? At first, I was annoyed she’d showed up at work, but then—” She shook her head. “It’s just not right. His counselor shouldn’t be that involved.”

  “She kept an eye on him for me while I was gone. Everett was acting up probably because Rebecca left and I was gone.” At first, I was annoyed, but when Everett would only give me terse answers about his day, I appreciated Mia giving me a better picture.

  “I say good riddance to Rebecca. She’s gone. Out of sight out of mind. He doesn’t need her.”

  Irritation crept up my spine. “Everyone needs their mother.”

  “He’ll be just fine. He has you and us.”

  “He needs more.” I wasn’t sure exactly what, but I’d been turning over what Mia said in her office the other day about being honest with Everett about how I felt about being deployed, how it was hard, how I missed him, how much I wanted to be home with him. Mia was probably right. Neither Everett nor I were in touch with our feelings regarding my deployment and his mother leaving.

  “He needs to learn the value of hard work. That’s it.”

  “As soon as we can get into our own home, I’ll establish chores and expectations.” Everett walked back into the room, wearing his shoes and a jacket.

  From the stiffening of his shoulders, he’d probably heard what I’d said. Without hearing the rest of it, he probably thought I was going to be militant with him, which was the last thing I wanted. “Come on.”

  I touched Everett’s shoulder and guided him out the door, effectively ending the conversation with Mom. After we were in the cab of my truck, pulling down the drive, I said, “I didn’t mean to sound like that. We need to establish a routine now that your mom’s gone.”

  “I know.”

  I glanced over to find him looking out the window, his jaw tight, and his arms around his middle. “Are you excited to see Stark?”

  “I guess.”

  “It was nice of Mia to watch Stark for a little longer until we can get settled.” I wanted Everett to be appreciative of others even if my parents weren’t.

  He grunted but didn’t say anything.

  I drove the rest of the way in silence, thinking about Mia. My heart rate ticked up as we pulled into the parking lot. I saw her leaning against her car door with Stark at her side. She leaned over to scratch his ears, probably speaking baby talk to him. Warmth spread through my chest at the thought of everything she’d done for me the last few months.

  I got out of the car, waiting until Everett joined me at the front of the truck. Mia wore tight jeans, a flowy looking blouse, with a cardigan, and white sneakers. The outfit screamed girl next door. The exact opposite of any woman I’d ever dated. I met most women in bars when they were wearing skin-tight outfits. Everything about Mia was different. The circumstances around how we met, the way she’d inserted herself in my life, the way she cared about Everett and me.

  She was naturally beautiful, long thick dark hair, and brown eyes. I’d been so happy to be home when I saw her at the airport and overwhelmed with everything, I hadn’t really looked at her.

  “Good morning, how are you guys?” she asked, looking up at me, a bright smile on her face.

  “Great. Thanks for meeting us.” I bumped shoulders with Everett when he didn’t answer.

  “Good.” He grumbled before dropping to his knees to rub Stark’s back.

  Our eyes met. Mia wasn’t someone I was looking for, but I wanted her in my life in whatever capacity I could have her—counselor, dog sitter, friend.

  “Want to take Stark?” I asked Everett, but my eyes never left hers.

  “Sure.” He stood, taking the leash from Mia, walking to the park.

  “It’s ten and over, I checked.”

  “There’re rules for ages at a dog park?”

  Mia knew instinctively there would be a rule, but I hadn’t even thought about it. I needed to start thinking more like a parent.

/>   She moved closer, laying a hand on my arm. I could feel the warmth through my sleeve. “Don’t worry. You’ll get the hang of being the primary parent.”

  “You have a lot of confidence in me.”

  I glanced at her hand that hadn’t moved. She squeezed my arm before stepping away. “It’s rare that parents come in to meet with me. Or I should say, the parents of the kids acting up. The ones who are doing great call to ask why their child isn’t in gifted classes, but I don’t hear from the others.”

  Warmth filled me at her compliment. “Maybe that’s part of the problem.”

  “Exactly. That’s why you’re different. Shall we?” She gestured toward the fence surrounding the dog park. I nodded, walking toward the fence. Everett was throwing a tennis ball for Stark to catch.

  I leaned my elbows on the metal fence, angling my head toward her. “I want to be a good dad.” It wasn’t something I’d ever expressed to anyone. I’m not sure I’d ever felt that way before. “I was deployed for most of Rebecca’s pregnancy. Even in the hospital, I felt disconnected from the situation. It didn’t feel like he was mine”

  “That’s not uncommon. You missed her pregnancy. You didn’t go through what she did, the morning sickness, changes in her body, or the doctor’s appointments. You didn’t have to face it until the baby was born. It takes time to bond.”

  “I thought most parents bonded immediately.” I’d been bothered by my lack of connection to Everett, attributing it to the fact I only saw him every other week when I was home. Had I been too hard on myself?

  “No. If that was the case, there wouldn’t be postpartum depression. Sometimes, it’s harder for dads because you don’t go through the physical changes.”

  “That makes sense, but I still haven’t—”

  “You don’t feel bonded to Everett?”

  My stomach twisted. I’d never admitted this to anyone. Not Rebecca and certainly not my parents. Somehow, I knew Mia wouldn’t use my words against me or think badly of me. “Not in the way I should. I know he likes video games, but he’s so quiet now, I don’t know what he’s thinking or feeling.”

  “Like I told you in the office, the more open you are with him, the more he’ll come around. It will take time.”

  “Thank you. I couldn’t do this without you.”

  She smiled softly. “I think you could. You don’t give yourself enough credit. You’re determined. You’ll get there.”

  My instructors in school believed in me, the commanders in the Navy believed in me, but I’d proven myself with each successful landing, take-off, and mission. With Everett, I was untested. Mia’s firm belief in me was everything. “I hope so. I only have a few more years and then he’ll be gone.”

  “You don’t want to have more children?”

  I looked at her, catching the flush rising on her cheeks.

  “I’m sorry. That’s none of my business.”

  Things between us had changed. At some point during our talks while I was deployed, my admission that I needed her help with Everett, she’d become more. She was someone I trusted. Someone I needed in my life. “No. That’s okay. I think we’re friends, don’t you?”

  “Friends. Yes, of course.” She looked away as the flush on her cheeks deepened.

  She was cute when she was flustered. Maybe if I was open with her, she would be with me too. “I never thought about it. I was only with Rebecca for a short time and then, I hadn’t wanted to be serious with anyone else. I wouldn’t be opposed to having another, being there from the beginning. Holding someone’s hand at the doctor’s appointments.”

  It was Mia. She’d made me feel like anything was possible. I could have a career outside the military, I could be the dad Everett needed, and maybe I could have what everyone else seemed to want, a relationship, marriage, more children.

  “Everything you said was beautiful.” Her eyes shined with tears. “Things were different for me.”

  When someone, especially a woman, tried to talk to me about personal stuff, I shut it down. I didn’t want to be a sounding board or someone they could come to, because it raised the expectations of the relationship. I didn’t want to shut Mia down. Her expression was vulnerable, Her eyes held so much pain. “How so?”

  “My parents died in a car accident when I was eight.” A shadow passed over her face.

  I knew without having to ask that this was the reason for everything in her life. The reason she was always so happy and willing to help others. The reason she was so invested in helping Everett.

  Her expression turned bittersweet. “Afterward, I lived with my aunt and uncle. They desperately wanted a baby of their own. They’d had several miscarriages before I moved in.”

  “Were they able to have a baby?”

  “Yes. My aunt got pregnant a little over a year after I moved there. I never felt like I fit in or belonged. I hoped once they had the baby, things would change. When they brought Corbin home from the hospital, I was so excited. I skidded across the hall as soon as they opened the door, anxious to see him, but Aunt Sharon pushed me away, saying not now. At first, I thought she was tired, but then it kept happening. I was too big, I’d step on him. I was too loud, I’d wake him up. I read too fast, he couldn’t understand me. It was always something. I was extra good so they wouldn’t see me as a burden. I became almost invisible or at least that’s how I felt. Things never got better.”

  My heart which was usually cold and indifferent throbbed with the picture she’d painted. A young girl wanting to be part of her aunt and uncle’s life, being shut out. I wanted to reach out to comfort her, but she’d curled in on herself as she spoke.

  “He was what they wanted, not me. I was a burden.” She smiled softly. “I don’t want you to think they didn’t take care of me, they did.”

  “But you missed the unconditional love of your parents,” I said softly.

  She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be burdening you with this.”

  “You aren’t. I’m glad you told me.” It explained everything. Why she’d been upset that day in her office about Everett. Why she’d hesitated to tell me.

  Mia’s eyes blinked with unshed tears.

  “Dad!” Shit. I’d been so wrapped up in my conversation with Mia I’d forgotten to check on Everett. Stark was wrestling with another dog. It was playful, but the owner didn’t seem happy.

  “Be right back,” I said to Mia as I opened the gate to enter the dog park. I quickly pulled the dogs away from each other, took the leash from Everett, clipping it on Stark. “Sorry about that,” I said to the other owner who was hovering. I led Stark out.

  Everett’s shoulders hunched, his face apprehensive. “Sorry, Dad. I tried to call him away before it happened.”

  “It’s okay. It’s not your fault.”

  His eyes widened in surprise. “Really?”

  “He’s a dog. It’s natural he’d want to play with another dog at the park. The other owner was nervous.” Had I been quick to blame him for things before? I couldn’t remember being that conscious of my interactions with him to even notice. If that was the case, I wanted to be different going forward.

  “Everything okay?” Mia asked.

  Stark was done with the park, but I didn’t want to leave Mia yet. Not after what she’d just revealed.

  “I’m starving. Can we get something to eat?” Everett placed a hand over his stomach.

  “You just ate breakfast,” I said.

  Mia giggled.

  “I’m sorry. He eats constantly.” I couldn’t look away from her. The tears in her eyes had cleared, she was relaxed, happy. “Do you want something?”

  “Sure. That sounds good.” She rubbed Stark’s head while I tried to think of a place nearby to eat.

  “There’s a diner down the road that won’t be too busy this time of day, but we have Stark. We can’t leave him in the car,” she said.

  It wasn’t hot today, but that was fine. I didn’t like leaving him for long periods of time e
ither. “I’ll go pick up the food and bring it back here. There are picnic tables over there.”

  Her eyes followed my hand to the park by the dog fence. “Okay.”

  We walked to the picnic table while I scrolled through my phone for the menu to order online. “It says it will be ready in fifteen. I’ll go pick it up.”

  “I’ll stay here,” Everett said. He was playing with Stark on the ground. His shoulders were relaxed and his expression not as guarded as it usually was. I wanted to keep doing whatever it was that brought out this reaction in him. It wasn’t just getting out of my parents’ house, it was Mia.

  “I’ll stay here with them.” Mia looked from Stark and Everett to me, her expression soft and happy.

  “I’ll be right back.” I walked away before she could respond. I didn’t want her to see how her offer to watch him affected me. This morning felt very domestic. Going to the park, picking up breakfast, eating together. When I was with Rebecca, we’d lived separate lives for the most part. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. In a way, it felt good. Nice even. I didn’t want to dwell too much on how I felt about the three of us together. Seeing Stark was good for Everett. And maybe seeing Mia was good for both of us.

  When I returned to the park with the food, I found Mia and Everett talking. I wasn’t sure what they were talking about, but I liked he was interacting with Mia. That he wasn’t surly or defensive with her. When I placed the bags on the table, they both looked up.

  “I’m starving.” Everett pulled containers out of the bags, handing them out, before sitting down to dig into his pancakes.

  “You can’t get between a growing boy and his food,” I said to Mia.

  “I guess not.” Mia’s lips tipped up.

  We ate in silence for a few minutes. I finished first, pushing the carton away from me.

  Mia wiped her mouth with a napkin. “Were you able to get a job? You said you signed a lease for a house, so I thought maybe you did.”