by Lea Coll
My aunt and uncle still lived in the same house I’d moved into after my parents died. Each time I walked through the doors old memories surfaced. Dreading the feelings those memories kicked up, I knocked on the front door.
Mason’s arm tightened around me. He whispered in my ear, “I’m not leaving your side.”
“Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me. I’m happy to be here.”
He’d asked a ton of questions the last few months about my family, our relationship, and how they treated me. Any hope of having a relationship with my cousin was squashed by his parents. They’d kept us apart and I was so much older than him it was easy to move on with my life, not keeping up with his. I had no idea how he felt now that he was an adult, going off into the world on his own.
The door opened and I reluctantly dragged my gaze from Mason to my aunt. “You’re late.”
I sighed, not wanting to engage with her. “Is everyone out back?”
“They are.” She opened the door so we could enter.
Inside, I said, “Aunt Sharon, this is Mason, my boyfriend and his son, Everett.”
“You told me you were bringing someone, but I didn’t believe it. I figured whatever it was would have fizzled out by now.”
My relationships tended to burn out quickly, but Mason was different.
“It’s nice to meet you ma’am.” Mason held his hand out to her.
She looked down her nose at his hand, but after a few seconds shook it.
“What do you do?” She had a way of asking questions and looking down her nose at the same time.
“I was recently discharged from the Navy where I flew fighter jets. I currently work for Cole Security Forces as a pilot.”
Aunt Sharon’s face was carefully blank as she turned, heading toward the kitchen.
I followed, not knowing if she was impressed or not. Sometimes I felt like she enjoyed when I tried to please her or get her attention. It happened less and less as I got older and realized I’d never be enough for her. When I was in high school and later in college, she seemed to enjoy my roller coaster relationships. At first, I confided in her until I realized she wasn’t trying to connect with me. She enjoyed my failures.
My failed relationships solidified her decision not to love me too. My stomach rolled with nerves. How would she react when it was so obvious that Mason and Everett loved me?
Aunt Sharon rounded the island in the kitchen, facing us. “How did you two meet?”
I smiled at the memory of the first time we met. “I fostered his dog through the Dogs on Deployment program. We kept in touch while he was gone and grew closer when he came back.”
She didn’t say that’s nice or anything. An uncomfortable silence fell between us.
“Where’s Corbin? I want to congratulate him.” I was itching to leave already.
“He’s out back.”
As we walked through the slider to the back yard, I realized the bad memories hadn’t hit me like they usually did. My stomach was unsettled from speaking to my aunt, but I could deal with everyone else. Smile until we could leave.
I made my way through the crowd, my hand in Mason’s until we stood in front of Corbin. He was laughing with what looked to be a friend.
“Hey, Corbin.”
His eyes shifted to mine, seemingly happy to see me. “Mom said she wasn’t sure you’d be able to make it.”
My lips drew into a tight line. “I never said I wasn’t coming.” Aunt Sharon loved to play little games like this. Playing us against each other.
“You’re here, that’s all that matters. Who did you bring?” He looked over my head at Mason.
“This is my boyfriend, Mason Arrington, and his son Everett.”
Corbin’s brow raised at my mention of his son, but he held his hand out to both to shake. “Thanks for coming.”
“Congratulations on graduating from college. Do you have any plans?” Mason asked.
“I’ll probably live here for a while.” Corbin pointed at his parents’ house and laughed as if it was something to be proud of. That was the main problem with spoiling him. He had no motivation to do anything. It was something I stayed out of.
“Congratulations again. We should go find some food.” I turned to go in search of something to eat or drink when Corbin cleared his throat.
“Mia, can we talk?” Corbin’s voice was hesitant.
“Now?” My voice rose. What could he possibly have to talk about?
“If it’s okay.” Corbin looked questioningly at Mason.
Mason shook his head. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
I laid my hand on Mason’s arm. “It’s fine.” Corbin might be lazy and spoiled but he’d never hurt me.
Mason hesitated as if he didn’t want to leave me alone with Corbin. “Can you get me a plate of food? I’m hungry.”
“Okay. If you’re sure?” His gaze shifted from me to Corbin.
“I’m positive.” I waited for Mason and Everett to leave before turning back to Corbin. “You want to talk here?”
“No. Maybe inside? Somewhere quiet?”
“Okay.” I followed him inside and up the stairs to his bedroom.
I was never allowed in his room in the beginning. My aunt was worried I’d wake him up when he was sleeping and when he was older, I’d already moved out. It looked like a teenage boys’ room, posters on the wall, a TV on his dresser, and clothes strewn on the floor. His bed unmade, with rumpled covers on the floor. Now that he was an adult, would he act like it? Move out and get a job or would his parents’ desires to keep him a child stunt his independence?
I sat on his computer chair, the only clear surface in the room.
“What did you want to talk about?” I studied him then, really seeing him for the first time as a man. He was tall and thin, not muscular like Mason. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. Was he nervous to talk to me?
“I wanted to catch you before you left. You never stay long if you come at all. I know you hate coming to family events and I don’t blame you.”
I didn’t respond because everything he’d said was true. I was curious what he could possibly have to say to me.
“I don’t know if it’s because you’re so much older than me or what, but I’ve always wondered why we don’t have a relationship.”
The initial anger shot through me, making me a little shaky before I realized he was a baby when the worst of it happened. He had no idea. How could I explain it to him without sounding bitter or hateful? “I was so excited when Aunt Sharon and Uncle Dennis said they were having a baby. I was ten when you were born. All I’d ever wanted was a playmate. Someone to care for, love, play with, read to.”
The memories came at me then. Each time Aunt Sharon said not now, go to your room, leave me alone, I’m busy. I understood she was busy with a new baby, but she never had time for me. She never made time for me. I could have forgiven her if she’d included me, but she hadn’t. She wouldn’t let me play with him or read to him. She always had an excuse. I was too big. I’d step on him. I didn’t enunciate when I was reading.
“I never felt included. When I tried to play with you, she said I was too clumsy, I’d step on you, or hurt you somehow. After so many times of being told no, I stopped trying.”
“I’m sorry, Mia. I had no idea.”
“When I realized I would never be a part of your family, I counted down the days until I could leave. When I wouldn’t need your mom and dad for a roof over my head.” It motivated me to study hard, get my degree, a good job, and save for a home. It wasn’t all bad. They’d made me who I was today.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I wanted a relationship with you, but over the years, your mom kept us apart. First, not wanting me to wake you or hurt you, and later I was too rough or too loud. It was too much.”
“I asked Mom, you know.”
My deceptive heart beat faster. I’d told myself over the years I didn
’t care, but I did. “What did she say?”
“That you never liked me.” Pain filled his eyes.
I laughed without any humor. I hadn’t realized he’d been hurt by her actions too. “That couldn’t be further from the truth. I know now that I have a lot of love to give to those who want it. I just have to be careful who I give that love to.”
“Is it possible we could start over? I’d like to be friends.”
I wasn’t sure my heart could take rejection after so many years of steeling my heart against my family, but I had to remember none of this was his fault. He took his cues from his mother. She’d orchestrated the rift. “Your mom won’t like it.”
“I don’t care.”
“You still live with her.”
“I need to grow up obviously. Get a job, move out, be on my own. My entire life Mom and Dad did things for me. I’m embarrassed that Mom wrote my college application and my essay.”
My eyes widened. I hadn’t realized Aunt Sharon’s control ran that deep. “I hope you did your own work when you were in college.”
He chuckled. “I did. Trust me, it’s embarrassing when your mother writes your papers.”
For the first time, I realized my aunt’s actions didn’t make me weak or desperate for love. Everyone wanted to be loved. Instead, she made me a stronger person. Feeling vindicated, I said, “I bet.”
We exchanged a smile, one of understanding and hope.
“Thanks for giving me another chance,” Corbin said.
“You’re welcome.” I wasn’t ready to hug him yet, but he’d taken a good first step.
“Maybe we can get coffee sometime.”
“I’d like that.” For the first time in my aunt and uncle’s home, I felt content. “I’d be happy to catch up another time. You should be at your party.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I should get back out there.” He sounded reluctant as if he didn’t want to be here anymore than I did.
I wondered when he’d realized his mother’s actions were controlling not loving.
I opened the door to his bedroom leading the way back to the party. Unfortunately, Aunt Sharon was in the kitchen, cutting vegetables. Her eyes followed us, her jaw tightened.
“What were you two doing up there?”
“Talking,” Corbin said.
“What could you two possibly have to talk about?”
I often wondered why my aunt and uncle hadn’t welcomed me with open arms. The only thing I’d ever come up with was that she was jealous of my mother, who was her sister. Maybe because my mother had a child as soon as she married my dad when Aunt Sharon struggled to conceive. I was too young to know what their relationship was like when my mother died, but I wondered if it was competitive. “I always wanted a relationship with you guys, with Corbin. I wanted nothing more than to love him, to love you, but you pushed me away. It used to hurt a lot, but now I’m finally happy. I have a good man who loves me and his son who’s amazing.”
“You can’t find a family of your own, so you’ve latched on to someone else’s, a man with a child. His child has a mother. He doesn’t need you.”
Her words cut me to the core. I had always wanted a family of my own. I’d created one through my friends, Mason, and Everett. She was right, in a way. “My mother and father left me in your care, thinking you’d treat me as your own. You let them down. You let me down. You chose not to include me, to make me feel like an outsider. That’s on you. How I live my life is not up for discussion. I visited over the years out of some responsibility to my parents, to keep in touch with my only remaining family, but you’ve severed that connection.”
Aunt Sharon’s face was pinched, her eyes hard.
I doubt my words penetrated but at least I’d said them. She could say whatever she wanted about me and my intentions, but it was how I reacted to her comments that mattered. Did I internalize them, making me feel less than, or take them at face value, discarding the mean words for what they were—more of a reflection of her than me.
Uncle Daniel walked in the room then, eyes darting from one person to the other. “What’s going on? The party’s outside.”
Corbin shook his head, his mouth slightly open, his eyes wide as if he was stunned by his mother’s words. Thinking back over the years, she’d saved her worse comments for when we were alone. Maybe he wasn’t used to her speaking like that to me, but I was and I was done with it, done with her.
“I was just leaving. Corbin, you’re welcome to text or call.” I shot a look to Aunt Sharon that insinuated she was not.
“What happened?” Uncle Daniel asked.
“I’ll let Aunt Sharon explain. I’m going to get Mason and Everett and be on our way.” I left the kitchen to find my other half.
As soon as I saw Mason in the crowd, I headed toward him.
He raised his brow. “Everything okay?”
“I’m ready to leave.”
“Of course.” Mason looked around for a spot to leave his plate.
“We can talk in the truck.” I didn’t want to discuss it here, not in front of all these people. I’d been strong in the kitchen but the adrenaline from the moment was waning and I was crashing.
Everett was stuffing a burger in his mouth when Mason said, “We’re going to leave.”
He chewed and swallowed, grabbing another burger from the platter. “Can I take this to go?”
“Sure.” I couldn’t help but smile. The kid cared about food more than anything else these days. Even more than video games.
“Thanks. I’m so hungry.”
He didn’t ask why we were leaving. He knew a little about my aunt and uncle, not the whole story. I’d told him he was my family now. That seemed to satisfy him whenever questions of my family came up.
When we were in the truck, heading home, Everett’s earphones in, Mason asked, “What did Corbin want?”
So much had happened since my conversation with Corbin I had to think back. “He wanted to know why we were never close.”
Mason looked from the road to me. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“He was a baby when everything happened. By the time he was old enough to sense anything was wrong, I’d moved out.”
“I guess, but why now?”
“I think he’s finally growing up, seeing what’s going on around him. Maybe questioning his mother’s behavior.”
“He has no idea who you are.”
“He doesn’t. I said I was open to talking more about it, just not at his party. Then we ran into Aunt Sharon in the kitchen. She wanted to know what we could possibly have to talk about.”
“She’s such a bitch. I’m sorry, but she is.”
“When I came into her life, she was merely existing, waiting to get pregnant. I was a representation of what she couldn’t have.” I spoke slowly, thinking out loud, combing through the memories for what might be the truth. Things I hadn’t understood when I was a child becoming clearer now that I could see the whole picture.
“She resented you.” He squeezed my knee.
“I was a placeholder until she could have the child she wanted.”
“You could never be a placeholder.” He squeezed my knee.
“Not to you.” I smiled at him.
“Not to anyone.” He winked before turning his attention to the road.
I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. “I love you, Mason.”
“I love you too.” He was quiet for a few seconds as if processing everything I’d said.
“I’ll support you if you want a relationship with Corbin. I want a future with you. I want us to live together, to start our life together.”
The hurt I’d felt in Aunt Sharon’s kitchen slowly unraveled with each word out of Mason’s mouth. Love for this man and his son filled every empty crevice. “I’d love that.”
“We can move into your house and if it gets too small, we can get a bigger place.”
I tilted my head, considering him. “Why would it be too small?”
“When we have our own kids, we’ll need more room. It’s only a two-bedroom.”
“You want more kids?” The words tumbled out of my mouth without me thinking. The idea that he wanted the same things sent my heart racing, my pulse beating hard in my neck.
He glanced quickly at me then turned his attention back to the road. “Of course, I do. I keep imagining what our child will look like, how happy you’ll be with a child.”
Did he think I wouldn’t be happy until I had flesh and blood of my own? If so, he couldn’t be more wrong. I knew better than anyone the importance of family. It wasn’t necessarily blood relatives. It was anyone in your life who lifted you up, who was there for you when no one else was, who loved you despite your flaws, your idiosyncrasies. “I’m happy with you, with Everett. You’re my family. I don’t need anyone else.”
“You don’t seem as happy as I thought you’d be.”
“Do you think you’d ever want to adopt?” It was something I’d thought about over the years, but never mentioned to him. It was this deep-seated need inside me to help someone else who’d either lost their family or never had one. If he didn’t understand that need, I wasn’t sure what I’d do.
He pulled into the driveway. Everett immediately pushed open the door, stepping out and leaving us alone.
“Are you serious?”
“I keep thinking of how different my life would have been if my aunt and uncle loved me. I have so much love to give and this is who I want to give it to—you, Everett, an adopted child.”
“I love that idea. It’s perfect. You’re going to be an amazing mother.” A slow smile took over his face as he took my hand in both of his, his voice soft and reverent.
“You think so?” The fact he thought I’d be an amazing mother sent warmth flooding my body. My heart was full of love for him.
“I know so. You’re already amazing with Everett.”
He leaned over, kissing me as if he couldn’t get enough.
I’d gone from being the girl who didn’t have anyone to having everything.
Epilogue