14
Evan
January 19, 2019
When I reach out for Leigha, she isn’t there, but I hear shuffling in the kitchen. I wander out naked too, and instead, I’m greeted with the sight of Vic breastfeeding our son. Fuck! I’m already a terrible father.
Vic shakes her head.
“Where’s Leigha?” I ask.
I wince slightly. Probably not the best first question to ask Vic…
“I suspect she’s sitting in the car she came in, wondering why the keys aren’t still in the ignition with the garage door open. God Evan, how irresponsible can you get? Garage door open, lights on, doors unlocked. Ethan was fine, thank god, but Jesus Christ!” Vic says.
Then a stream of insults pours from her mouth, and I go to put pants on, but I can’t escape her scolding.
“I get that you two are ‘meant to be’ or whatever, but if you’re going to care for our son at least be fucking responsible about it! You can’t think clearly where she’s involved,” Vic rage-whispers at me.
“I’m sorry,” is I can say.
It sounds shitty.
“Sorry? Are you sorry? Sorry that you broke my heart, or sorry that I had to tiptoe into your bedroom and see you naked with Leigha to retrieve our son? Sorry that you left yourself vulnerable to theft? Or worse? Olivia’s out there, Evan! She’s out there, and she could’ve easily walked in and taken Ethan, and you would’ve been fast asleep!” Vic shrieks.
“Oh, God, you’re right!” I tell her.
“Of course, I’m right!” Vic yells at me.
Ethan is startled and whines until he finds her nipple and suckles once more. I look at them. Even though she’s furious, the kid is all she can think about. I don’t know what to tell her. What have I done?
I can’t think clearly where Leigha is involved; I can’t excuse how much I wanted her. I fucked up big this time. Maybe I do have to let Leigha go to be a good father? I hate the idea, but look at what’s already happened?
“It was one time, I swear it won’t happen again,” I tell Vic.
“It had better not,” Vic tells me harshly. “I don’t care- no, I do care, I do care that you chose me over her but can you at least try not to rub it in my goddamn face! Get your head out of your ass, Evan,” Vic shouts, her voice full of pain.
“And put on some damn pants!” she adds.
I obey because I do need to put on pants and a sweater. The house is cold because the heat wasn’t turned on, and I worry for Ethan. When I return, Vic has finished feeding him and graciously lets me hold him even though I’ve fucked up badly.
“Was he asleep?” I ask.
“He was still sleeping, but I’m sure you would’ve heard him wake-up, you were in the same room. You - you didn’t answer your phone, so I got worried that something had happened and I came over here on instinct. When I saw the garage door was wide open I thought the worst had happened,” Vic admits.
“I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that,” she softens.
“I deserved it,” I reply.
“No, you didn’t. Nothing happened. I think I’m still more pissed that I thought I was coming back to the man I love, and instead, he married the woman he loves, and now I’m a single mother, and every fucking time it just gets pushed back into my face, Evan, do you understand?” Vic admits.
I nod.
“Hey, we’re both parents here,” I tell her.
“I’m not going just to leave you alone, hanging like that,” I add.
“Total honesty,” Vic says with a smile.
“He’s going to look exactly like you, but with my eyes,” she tells me.
“He’s going to be even better looking than me. Look at you,” I say.
“Ethan’s going to be amazing, no matter what he does. Even if he’s an asshole just like his father,” Vic says, taking a small jab at me.
“Did you just call our baby an asshole?” I tease.
“I did not!” Vic protests, pretending to be offended.
This is the most relaxed conversation we’ve had so far; it feels like we can do this co-parenting thing.
“You had better check on Leigha, she’s been in the garage a while,” Vic tells me.
But she doesn’t seem so upset anymore.
“You’re right,” I say.
For a moment, I forgot about Leigha, and that makes me feel awful. I can only imagine how she must feel. With Ethan back in Vic’s arms, I go to the garage to find Leigha. The door to Merc’s Lotus is open, the garage door is open, and Leigha is gone. I walk outside, into the blowing snow, and look around.
There’s a cab waiting at the end of the driveway, and Leigha is walking towards it.
“Leigha! Wait!” I call.
She stands for a moment, and I run to her, shirtless and without shoes.
“Where are you going?” I ask.
“Anywhere but here,” Leigha tells me.
“I saw you and Vic, with Ethan, and the whole thing reminds me of everything we lost together, and I can’t take it, Evan. I can’t take you having a child with another woman. It hurts too much. You two will work it out, and you’ll fight, and you’ll, but you are a family, and that’s more important right now. It has to be, Evan,” she says.
Leigha’s explanation is so swift I know she’s been thinking about it.
“Leigha…” I can’t think of anything to say.
“Just let me go, Evan, please?” Leigha asks.
“What about what just happened? Just because I have a family with Vic, doesn’t mean you aren’t my family,” I tell her.
“I’m not though. I’m just the girl you knocked up in high school,” Leigha says.
Then she’s genuinely weeping, and I feel a hard blow to the chest as I think about what we lost. What I never tried to get over, and never indeed did.
“You are not just the girl that I knocked up in high school because I loved you then, I loved you so much then, and I love you now,” I tell her as I kiss away her tears.
15
Leigha
September 19, 2012
Six to eight weeks pregnant.
The digital test in my hand announces my fate, and I instantly go to my calendar. I know the exact night;
“Fuck,” I say to myself.
What are the fucking chances, the first time Evan and I have sex, he gets me pregnant?
Really?
Well, actually if I think back, it’s something like a 30% chance and that’s if we had sex on the day that I ovulated.
A 30% chance that my life is currently fucked.
I have class in twenty minutes, Merc is waiting for me downstairs to go, and I’m standing in the middle of my room, in my underwear, near tears, wondering why this is happening to me.
Oh god.
There is no alternative for me: I am pregnant, and that’s how the story goes.
It doesn’t matter that this our last year of school, and I’m supposed to be graduating and going off to college. I would never consider the alternative.
Even though I am mostly screwed up, this is Evan’s baby, and that is something I can’t help but feel slightly better about.
Like if I were to get knocked up by anyone at this point, I would rather it be Evan.
That’s when it hits me: I’m in love with Evan.
“Fuck,” I swear again.
The entire revelation makes me woozy, so I sit down on the bed, unable to comprehend why I insist on denying my feelings for him.
Oh right: he’s Evan Stone, he could have any girl or woman he wants basically.
Why would he want little old me?
“I’ll figure it out. Fuck,” I swear again.
By the time I get downstairs, outside my dorm, Merc is tapping his watch.
“What’s up with you today? You’re never late,” he comments as we begin our slow walk towards the class.
If we’re going to be late, we may as well take our time.
The bell rings.
“Hello! Earth to Bergmann!” Merc says loudly enough for several people to turn and look at us.
“Merc, there’s something I have to tell you-” I start.
“Happy Birthday by the way!” Merc screams in my ear.
He wraps an arm around my neck and ruffles my hair.
God, I hate when he does that!
I mean, Merc is impressive. He’s a real gentleman, and I can fall asleep in his arms and know he won’t take advantage of me.
Evan is … very deliberate.
There was a long moment where I had a choice to make him go or let him in my room, knowing what would happen.
The positive pregnancy test in my bag means I chose the latter.
“Thank you,” I manage to say with a smile.
“Finally, it smiles,” Merc says dryly.
“What is up with you today?” he asks.
“Nothing,” I lie, automatically.
I want to tell Evan first.
I don’t want to blurt this out. This is going to change our lives forever.
“Merc!” Tara screams from across the quad.
Jesus Christ…
“Did you just lie to me?” Merc asks, ignoring his girlfriend.
I’m relatively sure Tara tried to kiss Evan at a party at one point.
“Merc!” Tara yells again.
His head flips around to look at her, wave, and when he faces me, he’s got a look of annoyance on his face.
“Please explain to me why I’m still dating her,” Merc demands.
“I can’t,” I shrug.
“I’m late anyway. I’ll see you,” I say.
Understatement.
“Leigha wait! I want to talk!” Merc screams.
But I’m already running for the washroom because I’m about to throw up again.
“Leigha!” Evan calls to me.
I shake my head.
No time.
I barely make into the women’s washroom before I empty whatever contents of my stomach are left.
Nothing.
I’ve got nothing left to vomit, and I still feel like I’m going to puke.
Great.
Even though I’m terrified of the germs, I sit next to the toilet.
Sitting here, in my uniform, I can’t stop thinking about the gravity of the situation.
“Leigha?” Evan calls my name.
“Don’t come in here!” I shout at him.
“Too late,” Evan says.
His voice is much closer, and I know he’s standing right outside the door to the stall.
I come out of the stall, and I know I look like shit; my eyes are watery, and I’m covered in a sheen of sweat from puking all morning.
“Are you alright?” Evan asks, his voice full of concern.
“I’m fine,” I tell him.
“Well, you don’t look fine,” he says.
“Seriously, Leigha, talk to me,” Evan says.
“Well, what do you want to talk about?” I ask.
I wash my hands and rinse my mouth with mouthwash from my purse.
“What’s up with you, for starters,” Evan says.
“Nothing,” I lie.
“Leigha, it’s me,” Evan says.
“Or did you forget that we had sex? And now you’ve been completely avoiding me?” he asks.
“I didn’t avoid you. We were at that party last weekend, we kissed, remember?” I ask mortified.
Evan and I always end up kissing when we get drunk together.
This time I believe we were in a closet; Evan’s attempt to get me alone, away from Merc I guess.
“You’ve been weird,” Evan says.
“No, you’ve been weird,” I echo.
“Okay, fine, I’ve been weird. I’ve been weird because I genuinely care about you, and that night meant a lot to me, and you’ve been acting like it never happened,” Evan lays his cards out on the table.
“Did it?” I ask, near tears.
“Yes, Leigha,” Evan is so sincere; my heart feels like it’s going to explode.
But I don’t know if he’s going to feel the same after I say what I’m going to.
I know it’s right; I have to tell Evan first.
It’s the right thing to do.
I want …
“How do you feel about me?” I ask bluntly.
“Leigha, I…” Evan is at a loss for words.
“It’s complicated,” he tells me.
“Okay. Well, I’m pregnant. Now how do you feel about me? Do you hate me? Do you want to throw me out with the trash, because that’s what I am? Trash. I’m pregnant at eighteen!” I blurt everything out.
Evan’s eyes bug out of his head, and his handsome jaw drops so far; I wonder if it’s going to fall off.
“Oh, wow! You’re pregnant?” he finally manages to stammer out some actual words.
“Yes,” I tell him.
But before I know it, Evan has me wrapped up in his arms.
“Oh, my God, are you okay? Leigha! How do you feel? Do you need to lie down? I could tell you were puking, and then you ran from Merc, oh God,” Evan says, his voice trailing away.
Evan presses his lips together and pauses.
What about Merc?
I can see him doing mental gymnastics, trying to figure it out.
“Evan?” I ask.
He says nothing.
I get it. He doesn’t love me the way I love him.
“Evan, nothing has to change. We can still be friends. We’re just friends who are… going to have a baby together…” I say, in a whisper.
“Friends?” Evan asks.
He looks pained.
“Yeah, isn’t that what you want?” I ask.
“Of course,” Evan says quickly.
“Good, we’ll be good then. Everything will be fine,” I try to comfort myself.
Evan’s arms are still around me, and I begin to cry into his school sweater.
“Leigha, I will take care of you, we’ll figure this out, I promise,” Evan tells me.
I can’t find a way to tell Evan that I’m in love with him, and I don’t want to be his friend.
I want to be Evan’s.
So, instead, I cry and let him comfort me.
16
Leigha
January 20, 2019
Evan holds me sobbing in the snow and waves the cabby away.
“Come inside,” he says.
“I can’t- with Vic in there with Ethan, it’s too-” I can’t finish my sentence.
Realization sets in, and Evan doesn’t know what to do for a moment.
“Come inside anyway,” he insists.
Then I notice he’s barefoot in the snow.
I let him lead me by the hand back towards the house and inside where I grab him a towel for his wet feet, along with a pair of socks.
It’s late, almost one in the morning.
Vic should stay, and I should go - it’s that simple.
“Vic, you should stay in the guest bedroom,” I tell her.
“Thank you,” Vic says.
“It’s not a problem,” I say.
I’m still a shaking, crying mess, but I manage to grab a couple of extra blankets and some towels for Vic without breaking down.
She says goodnight to both of us after we move the playpen into her room.
Evan wants privacy because we need to have a serious talk.
I sit cross-legged on the bed under the blankets as the heat in the house hasn’t quite warmed it up yet.
“Leigha, we need to be together,” Evan tells me.
He lays on his side on top of the blankets, his eyes on me.
“Don’t you want to be together?” He asks.
“Of course, I do,” I blurt out.
“It’s just too hard watching you have a baby with Vic, have that with Vic, when I’m just, nothing,” I continue.
“You are not nothing, not to me. You’re the only woman I want to be with, so if you think I’m going to turn around and to
be a happy family with Vic and go off, and get married, you are deadly wrong. That’s not my intention. Vic knows that even though a part of me does love her, I will always love you more. You’re it for me,” he says.
He holds my hand.
Evan’s plea is simple.
He has a child with a woman he doesn’t want to be with.
“Don’t you feel guilty?” I ask.
“For what? For falling in love with you when I was a teenager and never being able to let that go?” Evan asks.
He shakes his head vehemently.
“Well, I do,” I tell him.
“It’s like I’m taking you away from Vic,” I say.
“You’re not, because I was never hers, to begin with, don’t you see, Leigha? My heart always belonged to you. I just never thought that we’d get this chance - to be together. Now we have it, and I feel like you are just throwing it away,” he says.
“Over some genuine problems,” I reply.
Surely, he understands that?
“It’s only a problem if you make it a problem, Leigha. Vic and I can figure out-” he stops talking because of the look on my face.
I know I look hurt and I can’t hide it.
“We can have a family, too. Just because Vic and I have Ethan doesn’t mean that you and I can’t have a family, because that’s what I want. I want you. I want a family with you,” Evan says.
“I want you, too, but Evan, it’s too hard for me. I look at Vic and Ethan, and all I see is what could’ve been us,” I admit.
“It could still be us, darling. We still have a chance, but that’s only if you let us have that chance,” Evan says.
“I have to think,” I lie to him.
We just got an annulment. Am I going to go running right back into Evan’s arms?
I can’t see how that makes any fucking sense.
None of this does, however.
Where is the sense in me falling for a boy, losing his baby, then finding him again, only to lose him?
I wipe the hot tears from my eyes.
“No, you don’t. Leigha, you know the answer. The answer is us,” Evan argues.
Evan seems intent on pulling me back to him, so much so that I might agree to it if I can’t distract him.
FRACTURE: Hearts of Stone Book Six Page 9