"Ow!" Patrice proclaims at Mira’s words, and we all bust out in laughter, including Deidre.
"I like how it’s okay to say what you mean these days. I watched the decline of the 40s and 50s where you couldn’t say any of this anymore."
"Deidre likes that we can say pussy and balls, apparently," I tell them, causing the sound of more laughter.
But, on a serious note, they’re both right. I don’t want to hide Jak anymore. Either he wants to be with me publicly, or that solves the problem and Saul is my choice.
"And what if he wants to be public, what about Saul?"
"Not everyone is like us," Mira reminds me. "You do what’s right for you. You’re a modern girl, right!"
I think I know what she means, and my cheeks heat at the suggestion. Does she really means for me to be with more than one guy? Well, I guess the gods have done it, so why not?
***
So, two mornings later when Jak shows up at my door before breakfast, which is served an hour later on the weekends, I pull him into my room and just do it.
I rip the band-aid off.
“We can’t keep doing this,” I tell him, having prepared myself for rejection a million times over.
“What? Why?”
“I just don’t want to hide what we have anymore. I get that you’re embarrassed, and you’re trying not to get yourself under the microscope again with the bullies. But, I do have some feelings for you beyond just attraction. So, we either end it here, or we come out in public together.”
There, I did it. I said what I needed to say.
Jak leans against the wall for a moment. He looks around my room, his eyes passing over me once or twice, but never looking me in the eyes. I’m afraid to move while he contemplates this, superstitious that anything I do will sway his decision in one way or another. As much as I want him to tell me he wants this like I do, I don’t want it to be for anything other than that he genuinely does.
Finally, he steps forward, placing a hand on either side of my face, finally able to look at me.
“Ember, I don’t know what it is about you, but you make me spill my guts. I know you think I ran from you in the cafeteria because you humiliated me. I knew what Layla could do, and I knew you weren’t in love with me, though I also knew there had to be some kind of feelings there.”
I shake my head unable to decipher where anything he’s saying is going. “I don’t get what that means, then. If you just liked coming to my room or…”
He does that thing again, where he puts his finger over my lips, and I swear I’m about to spontaneously combust. “Just let me finish. You know feelings are hard for me.” I nod and let him go on. “I left to get help. I knew there was no way you were going to get out of there unscathed without it, and I had a fairly good idea who would at least do the right thing.”
“Roman,” I mumble against his finger.
“Yes, and as far as coming to your room, well, of course I love that, but it isn’t the only reason. I just…I’m not good with any of this. But its feels so good to be free with you. To be the me I am on the inside. The me I would have been if I stayed human. But it scared me. I was chicken shit. So, thank you.” He kisses me on the forehead. “And will you please come to breakfast with me?”
“You mean, like, sit with you and everything?”
“Yes.” He cracks a smile which is rare for him. “You can even have some food from my plate if you want, gods know I get more than my fair share. That should make to pretty official, right?”
I kiss him, unabashed, but he pushes me away.
“Let’s save it for the cafeteria.” He winks at me, and I’m on cloud nine as he takes my hand, and we walk out of my room in sight of other people, and down the stairs.
When we make it into the cafeteria, it’s packed. Breakfast is at the same time for everyone, and on weekends friends who don’t normally get to see each other if their classes are different gather here in the morning. So, everyone’s going to see this.
Including Saul and Eden. So, there’s no going back on this now.
As we pass by where she eats with Patrice, Mira tugs at my sleeve, and gives me an excited thumbs up with a smile that shows some of the food she’s chewing. She’s always so obnoxious, but it’s become a comfort to me in this new world of chaos.
We sit down together finally without incident, and I steal a piece of food from his plate like he told me I could. Mid laughter though, a shadow comes over where we sit. “What the hell is this?”
We both turn around to see it’s Saul. “Saul, calm down. Jak and I … “
I don’t even know if he’s heard me because he’s already throwing a punch attack, which I know is a bad idea.
There’s no talking to either of them right now, and I know it. Having lost my appetite at this point, knowing this has turned out worse than I imagined where I may have lost both of them, I stand up and back away. Maybe if I remove myself from the fight, they’ll just stop.
Mira gives me a sympathetic pout, but that doesn’t make me feel any better as everyone stares and listens at the two fighting over me, trying to decide who came first.
“You know, you haven’t even had the exclusivity conversation yet!” Mira chimes in, to no avail. “Boys.” She rolls her eyes as her side is touched, and she’s protected by Patrice.
I happen to spot Roman a few tables over, and wonder if this is the time to start up our lessons again. I could certainly use some meditation right now.
I go up to him and point at the chaos. At first, it’s kind of cute as he starts rolling up his sleeves, ready to stop it after having gotten so lost in some book he can’t pay attention to what’s around him, but then I place a hand on his shoulder.
“No, I think I need to meditate. Honestly, they aren’t using magic, and there’s no stopping them.” He looks at me, then nods once, a sigh deflating his chest.
He leads me back to his room, and I sit on the ground again as I’ve done before while he gets everything ready, including some soft music that sounds like it might be played at a hookah bar in the human world or something.
He sits down, and I’m instantly reminded about the kiss we shared last time. I wonder if this is an entirely bad idea. I don’t need to add yet another guy to the list. Then again, what would Mira say – ‘what’s four men to a modern woman?’
Chapter Nineteen
"Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly
Now I can't let go of this dream."
~ Evanescence
"Let me show you a little something different today," he says, bringing over something in his hands which looks like a crystal ball. Right now, it’s shifting colors, a smoke like substance swirling inside. "Since you’re not a sorcerer, you can't create what I do, but you can use tools we’ve made for gods and other supernaturals to use."
I reach my hand out and touch the little ball, and the smoke starts to come out of it with a hissing sound, expanding in the air like it’s forming some kind of shape.
"This is something of my own invention. I’ve been working on them since my first year here. I wasn’t particularly good at all the Guardian stuff, but the classes fascinated me, and so did the idea of helping others. It’s why I’m a TA now. I want to learn all I can to help the community as a whole."
I look at him in awe. He’s beyond just some do-gooder. He actually means all of this, and my arguments, if I ever really had any about leaving him out of this harem that’s at least going on in my mind, go out the window. He's too perfect to let go of. So much more deserving than the others.
Not that I think they aren’t deserving of being loved; they are. We all are, even the awful Layla and torturous Hugh...I think. But I just mean Roman could be good for me while the others aren’t. He feeds my intellect, shows me kindness and neutrality, and how to stay calm. The others show me lust, hostility, confusion, and passion. All of those things have their places, but this is what’s missing. He understands a part of me I haven’t been able to
use as much since coming to the academy, because I’ve been too busy trying to keep from being killed by bullies and getting better with my magic.
"That’s amazing," I tell him, and he avoids my gaze. I also notice his knees don’t touch mine this time, but maybe it isn’t conscious. I need to not overthink everything so much, thus the meditation. "What does it do?"
"Well, it’s meant to take the shape you tell it to, but you have to concentrate on it and nothing else. You have to let the worries of your mind go," he explains.
I scoff. "Not so easy."
"It is if your focus becomes the excitement of making the smoke whatever you wish it to be. Give it a try."
The first thing I think of is cheesy, but it would be worth it to see that it can literally become anything. I imagine a pink dragon, the Chinese kind I used to see at parades when my mother took us when I was younger. Anything unliving and pretty, she loves. Or at least she did. And she used to make me a part of it. Guess a teenager isn’t so fun.
No, no mom talk, focus.
I shut my eyes and imagine the smoke once more. Then, the clapping breaks me out of my head, so I open my eyes to see the dragon dancing out of the swirl of pink smoke, covering all of the room other than myself and Roman. Like we’re in this safe bubble where no one can touch us.
I scoot forward, reaching up to touch it, but the smoke disappears as I lose my balance a little, catching myself where my face is only about an inch from Roman.
"We never talked about the other day," I say, knowing that the smoke will be either nothing or an image of our kiss, which is embarrassing. But it’s what I’m thinking of now, no other choice as I’m so close to him.
"It seems there are enough people vying for your heart and body, Ember," he tells me. I sit back on my ass and let that sink in, the mist returning into the ball with my sadness. "It’s fine, Ember. Not everything has to happen immediately. You haven’t even been here two months yet."
"Almost," I say.
"Yes, almost." He reaches out and caresses my face for a moment, confusing my heart even more. "The thing is, Ember, I wouldn’t ever get along with those guys, and they may be what you need right now. You have three years to figure all this out with them, your dad, yourself... For now, I can just settle for having your mind."
He leans in and kisses me on the forehead to emphasize it, and I almost want to cry at the sweetness of it. It feels like a goodbye even though I know that’s not it. He’s being a gentleman. Letting me find myself, grow up, and take turns with whoever I need to.
Yet again, he deserves me, but I’m not ready for him.
I get it, so instead of thinking too hard on it, I resolve to tell Deidre or Mira or whoever will listen later. For now, I need to get this fog meditation stuff right so I can chill the fuck out, and figure out what I'm going to say to the two stubborn assholes I’d like to keep kissing.
I close my eyes again and think of my mother, wondering how well the mist could depict her. I remember the way she can look so young or so old in a five-minute span. The way she lounges in clothes far too young for her, and the way she strikes dramatic poses and looks at me like I exhaust her.
"Who is this?" I open my eyes to see her looking down at me in disappointment that I'm asking her so many questions; wrinkles she usually hides so well on her forehead and crows' feet from so much partying and laughter in her youth by her eyes.
"My mother."
"Ah, I can see it a bit in the cheeks. Want to try something else?"
I wipe at the fog as if it will erase her, and its fades so easily, just like my life here has. I wonder if she’s just as easily erased me and I’ll never see her again. I know we have a family day coming up around my birthday before we start the second quarter, since the gods like to do things in 4ths and not halves. But even if they notified her somehow, and she was out of that facility, would she come? I’m not so sure. For all I know she’s scrubbed her hands of me.
"You’re not focusing," Roman chides softly, bringing my attention to the confused rainbow of colors swirling around the room.
"Right, sorry."
I think of someone else. Beautiful angles, dark, long hair like mine, amber eyes, and a fiery temper. The man I’m so much like, and yet I don’t know. He doesn’t even seem to want to know me.
"Hades." I look hard when he says it, and I see it, but he isn’t chained up in Tartarus. He’s holding his scepter, and looking powerful like I’ve seen him in some of the history books I sneak just so I can get any information to go on before they rip out the pages, or wipe him out of the books and their existence. Which I don’t get.
Humans have all kinds of books dedicated to Hitler, arguably the most evil man ever to live, and yet, no one wants to remember Hades. Isn’t there a lesson to be learned from bad deeds and evil people, even if he did do the things they say?
"Here." Roman passes the orb to me as all the smoke gets sucked back inside, turning grey. "You take it and practice with it for now. It can be on loan until you can afford to be my first buyer.” He winks at me, and I can’t help but blush. He makes me feel different; innocent, young.
But he’s right about sending me away. As much as I needed a moment to be calm, I know avoiding the issue isn’t going to solve it. It’s time to go talk with Saul and Jak, and make sure we're on the same page. I can’t have them fighting like that, even if it means we have to end this. After all, I’m here to be a guardian and to learn. To find where I belong. I don’t have to have a boyfriend as nice as it feels to.
"I'm a modern woman." I repeat to myself as I walk back to my room to put the orb away, and find both Jak and Saul standing in front of my door.
I'll have to confront this a few minutes faster than I thought.
I look at both of them, trying to find any injuries, but of course there aren’t any. Lycans heal fast, and I have no idea how an incubus might be injured. Then, I do catch one thing, a torn piece of shirt at the top reveals some nasty scratch marks, likely from Jak’s claws.
"You turned?" I accuse him, and he looks at the floor.
"I know. I’m not proud of it, but temper comes along with the territory."
I turn to Saul, and reach a free hand up to run my fingers over the marks. "Can you even heal from this? Will it hurt you?"
He brushes my hand away. "It doesn’t feel good, but there are ways to heal. Being around you helps." He gives me a mischievous grin, and I huff and open my door, both of them following me in whether I want them to or not.
They shut the door as I put the orb down carefully on the wooden dresser in the room, the mist still contained inside the ball. I forgot to ask Roman how to get it out, but I can do that after class I suppose.
I turn around to face the music to find they’re both staring at me like hungry animals. "What’s going on?" my voice shakes as they both advance, their teeth showing, looking predatory creatures even though neither of them is in their true form.
I haven’t even ever seen Saul's.
Two pairs of hands are on me, and I'm not sure what to think of it, but the thrill of it warms my body and tingles all the way to my toes.
"We talked," Jak says as he pulls my pants down, little by little, them trying to stick on the way since they are so damn tight.
Saul goes behind me, moving my hair to the side as his fingers and lips press against my neck and shoulder. All the tension in me releases, and I become their doll. Maybe there’s no conversation to be had at all.
"We decided it was pointless fighting over you if you wanted us both. We are lucky to have you. There’s no one else like you here."
I giggle a little as my panties come down next. Jak’s on his knees like he’s ready to worship me as I feel something hard poke into my back from behind. "Yeah, no one who's hated as much as me."
"It just makes you a bad girl. And it’s hot," Jak responds, kissing up my legs and thigh so that I let out a moan which seems to make Saul pull me closer against him. "Besides, I told him that if he f
ed on our sexual energy it would heal the wound I gave him. And you would get to see him in his true form. Figure you might like it."
The way they’re suddenly so casual about this makes me worry I’m in some kind of dream, but if I am, I don’t want to ever wake up.
"So, I’m hot?" I ask with a crooked smile as Saul slides his hand down my shirt, causing me to gasp at all the attention my body is getting at once.
Jak’s mouth reaches my inner thigh, and then he kisses my most sensitive spot, something he’s never done before. I feel like if Saul wasn’t behind me pressed so hard against me I’d fall.
"Yes," Jak gasps out. "Very hot."
He flicks his tongue out a few times, and I can’t control the sounds I make as my body is filled with electricity. It’s the same and yet different than when his fingers find me. And this is all about me.
Saul flips me around suddenly, and shows me his true form, his whole body coated in a sheen of red like some kind of cinnamon candy. I don’t know when he took his clothes off, but his body is ripped, unreal looking. It’s amazing and foreign at the same time.
My hands run along his skin, and it feels almost like a shell coating is around him, smooth and hard.
He takes my hand and guides it down further and further until I feel the prize he’s got for me, and my eyes go wide.
"Don't worry," he whispers, "We'll work up to that. I just want to feel your skin against mine." Entranced by his words, I let him pull my shirt off, and then they both take me to the bed, showing me all the ways, they can worship me all night.
When I wake up, they’re gone, but they've left a note to let me know they'll be back tonight.
I smile and stretch, noting how good I feel but how much they’ve also made me want more.
The first thing I want to do is go and tell Mira, leaving out the more intimate details of course, but just as always with my life, two strange things converge at once.
A knock comes at my door, and Deirdre comes into the room and takes a whiff. "Oh my, someone was a little naughty last night." She giggles, and I scowl at her.
Bane of Hades (Guardian Academy Book 1) Page 11