by Ella Miles
I try to match my breathing to Langston’s slow, steady breaths, knowing that is the only way I will be able to get to sleep. But my stomach starts doing these weird flips, and I know what’s about to happen. My morning sickness has been pretty inconsistent so far, but it’s been happening more and more at night.
“Be right back,” I say, jumping out of Langston’s arms and running to the bathroom.
I feel queasy, sweaty, and weak gripping the toilet, waiting for the inevitable to happen.
I close my eyes and take long deep breaths as my stomach slowly quiets.
False alarm.
I sigh and lean against the wall.
“How far along are you?” Langston asks.
I jump. I didn’t realize he had followed me into the bathroom.
“Um…” I try to stall as I get up off the floor and walk to the sink to rinse the acidy taste out of my mouth. The fewer people that know about the baby, the better. I shouldn’t have even told Liesel, but I just needed to tell someone. And if Langston knows, how am I going to keep it a secret from Enzo?
Langston hands me a mint.
I take it and plop it into my mouth, the cooling flavor settling my stomach even more.
He cocks his head to the side and crosses his arms, waiting for me to answer.
“A few weeks. How did you know I’m pregnant?” I ask.
“I have an older sister who lived with me when she was pregnant while she and her husband were remodeling their house. I know the symptoms.”
I’m surprised to hear Langston has a life outside of fighting alongside Enzo. It doesn’t seem like it’s possible.
“Does Enzo know?” he asks.
I slowly shake my head no.
“Why not?”
That’s a loaded question with about a million answers. But there is one simple answer that encompasses all those reasons.
“Because I’m scared.”
Langston’s face drops as his arms go around me, and he pulls me hard into his bare chest. His heart thuds against my ear far too fast. He’s scared too.
“I went from being desperate to have a child, to being terrified. How messed up is that?”
Langston’s eyes grow wide as he lifts my chin so he can see my eyes better. “That would be normal for most women, but for you, a woman who is locked in a world filled with danger, it’s expected.”
He rubs my back gently as he begins to think about what this means.
“Is the baby…” he can’t finish that sentence, but I know what he’s asking.
“I don’t know if the baby is Enzo’s or Milo’s, but it doesn’t really matter.”
He frowns. “Why doesn’t it matter? I would think you would be thrilled if it were Enzo’s.”
I swallow hard. I should be thrilled. A few days ago, I was desperately in love with Enzo and would have done anything to be with him. Now, I don’t know how I feel. Milo turned all my feelings for Enzo upside down. All I know is I don’t love him. I know what it’s like to love Enzo and these feelings aren’t it.
“I don’t love Enzo anymore.”
Langston nods. “But I’m sure you’d still rather it be Enzo’s than…”
Again he can’t finish. “Than my rapist? Of course, I’d rather it be Enzo’s, but…” God, now I’m the one who can’t finish my sentences. “But my child is in danger no matter whose child it is. Either way, my child becomes an heir to the most dangerous organization in the world. This child will inherit untold riches, and have more money than they could ever spend. But they will also have enemies set on killing them from the day they are born. Others will try to use them as a pawn to gain their own power in the Black organization. I just want my child to be safe.”
Langston runs his hand through his hair, and I swear I see moisture in his eyes. He knows this won’t end well for me and my child, no matter what I do.
“So what are you going to do? If Archard finds out you are carrying a child, that child will become your heir. They won’t have a choice but to fight in the games when the time comes.”
I think of Liesel. She had a child, possibly Enzo’s child. And she hid it. She had to give up the child, but he’s safe because she protected him. I can do the same thing.
“I will hide my child, from everyone. No one will know I have an heir. I will hide them forever, even from Enzo.”
“Are you sure you can do that? I know you don’t love Enzo now, but you two share a lot of history. Are you going to be able to keep this from him? I’ve only spent a few nights with you and I figured it out. Enzo knows you better than anyone. Don’t you think he’ll be able to figure it out?” Langston strokes my cheeks as he speaks, rubbing the moisture off my face.
“That’s why I can’t stay. I need the games over. I need to get the hell out of here before he notices. Enzo and I have suffered enough; this game ends with us. Once Enzo becomes the ruler, he can change the rules to ensure his second in command will take over instead of his child. Or two people from within the organization can compete, but I’m not involving my flesh and blood in this.”
Langston nods as he stares into my eyes. “What else aren’t you saying?”
“If the child is Enzo’s, you aren’t going to try and kill him or her, are you?” my voice shakes. I hate that I’m even questioning Langston, but after what Milo said, I don’t know who to trust. I need Langston to reassure me. If he lies, I’ll be able to know.
“What? Why would I hurt your child? I don’t care if the child is Enzo’s or Milo’s. I care about you, Kai. You deserve better than this world. Better than what Enzo, or Zeke, or I have done for you. I would protect your child with my life because it’s yours, I don’t give a shit who the father is because I know the child’s mother is worthy.”
“Truth,” I sigh at his words. “You spoke the truth.”
“Of course, I fucking told you the truth. What’s going on?” Langston grabs my shoulders.
“I can’t trust anyone within the organization with my secret. I shouldn’t have even trusted you, although I’m glad someone else knows. But I can’t trust anyone else. If they think the baby is Enzo’s, they may try to kill him or her. The team wants the strongest. They want to see two people battle to become Black. If Enzo and I share an heir, then there won’t be a fight to become the leader. Our child would become the ruler automatically. The men won’t let that happen. They’d rather kill our child than let them lead. They will try to force us to both have heirs of our own. Ones who will fight each other when the time comes.”
“That can’t be true. If you had a child together, they would think that person would be the strongest. The best of both of you. They wouldn’t try to kill your child. They trust and respect Enzo,” Langston says.
“It’s happened before. I can’t trust that even a small segment of the crew might feel that way and lead a revolt to try to harm my child. I can’t trust anyone. No one in the Black organization. No one outside of it. Not even Enzo.”
“Are you sure? Enzo might be the only one who will be able to heal you. To fix you after the nightmare Milo caused you. I’m doing my best here, but you aren’t getting any better. If anything, the nightmares are getting worse. He could heal you. He could help you.”
“And what about the baby? Enzo hasn’t been able to protect me, what makes you think he could protect our child?” It’s a low blow, especially since I was the one who put myself in danger with Milo. Enzo was just respecting my choice. But it’s the truth. I don’t trust anyone but myself with the protection of my baby.
Langston is silent. He doesn’t even try to answer because he knows it’s the truth.
“I don’t want Enzo to fix me. I can’t fall back in love with him. I can’t risk my child’s life for selfish love.”
“Then I will help make sure you don’t fall in love again. And when the time is right, I will help you disappear from everyone, even from me. The only way you will be safe is if you vanish.”
I see the pain in Langston’s
face. He is no longer Enzo’s trusted soldier; he’s mine. He will put me first, above Enzo. And if Enzo knew the truth, he’d want Langston to put me first. To protect me even from himself. I can see in Langston’s eyes what the plan is, what is going to need to happen to protect me. And even though I don’t love Enzo, my heart already breaks for him.
I HEAR THE KNOCK: three loud, determined pounds. Not meant to scare me, but enough to know who is standing on the other side of the door.
Enzo has mostly respected my privacy. He only ever comes into my room a few hours every day—usually in the afternoon. He doesn’t push me. He doesn’t force me to speak. To touch him. To interact at all. But something about that knock tells me he’s past his patience.
Langston looks at me with weary eyes. He’s not in the mood for a fight either.
“What do you want me to do?” he asks.
Langston has been sleeping in my bed almost every night these last few weeks. It shouldn’t help. But I tried having Liesel sleep next to me, and the nightmares got worse.
I need a man to sleep next to me. One I trust. One I know can fight off Milo. One whose arms remind me of Enzo’s.
Dammit. How is it even though I don’t love Enzo anymore, I still lust after him? I still long to be in his arms? To feel his cock inside me? Couldn’t Milo erase those feelings too if he was going to take away the love part? It would be easier. Because even though Enzo scares me, even though his touch now hurts me, my body still craves him deep down. It’s the most confusing thing ever.
“Answer it,” I say, knowing Enzo isn’t going to leave.
Langston gets out of bed. And I realize our mistake as soon as the door opens.
Langston is shirtless except for his boxers. And I look naked in bed with the sheet pulled up to my chest.
We both sleep better without clothes on. And we’ve found that at night when I have the nightmares, the only thing that helps calm me and bring me back to reality is our skin touching—already being shirtless helps.
There is nothing sexual going on between us. It’s more of a brother and sister relationship. But the way Enzo is looking at us says he sees something very different.
“What do you want? We are trying to sleep,” Langston says.
Enzo growls. “What am I doing? What the fuck are you doing?” Enzo throws a punch before Langston can react.
I wince as his hand connects with Langston’s jaw.
Langston immediately strikes Enzo back, hitting him in the eye.
Such boys.
“Stop it,” I say.
Enzo’s mouth goes slack as his punch stops mid-air. I’ve denied him my voice for so long that two simple words make him stop thinking about killing Langston for long enough to pay attention to me.
I sigh. I don’t like seeing Enzo hurt, even if I don’t love him. Even if a part of me hates him. And Langston sure as hell doesn’t deserve to be injured.
“She doesn’t want to talk to you, man. So get the hell out,” Langston says, trying to protect me.
“No fucking way. You don’t get to sleep naked with my woman.”
“She’s not your anything. She’s her own woman. She can make her own decisions, and she doesn’t want you here.”
“I’ll leave if she tells me to leave,” Enzo says, turning to me. The ball is in my court.
I could easily tell him to leave, but for some reason, I don’t want to. I’m physically exhausted. Last night was torture. I barely got any sleep between the night terrors and the morning sickness. Morning sickness my ass; mine likes to hit me in the middle of the night.
There is something drawing me back to Enzo. It’s not love, more like curiosity. We have shared more together than I have with any other person. If anyone can keep the nightmares away, it’s him.
And as for the morning sickness, this baby might be his. I don’t logically think that him being near would stop the sickness. I know that’s not how it works. But it’s worth a shot.
So I don’t say anything.
Enzo smiles.
Langston looks to me. “Do you want me to go or stay?”
I don’t want to speak again, so I nod for him to go.
Langston nods back. “I’ll be right outside if you need me.”
“She won’t. She needs me,” Enzo says confidently, walking over to the bed.
Langston shuts the door on the way out, and I know he will keep to his word and sleep in the hallway all night. I never thought I’d need Langston to protect me from Enzo. And it’s not that I need protection. I know Enzo won’t physically hurt me. But it doesn’t stop my body and mind from playing tricks on me.
“Why didn’t you tell me, stingray? Why didn’t you tell me you were having nightmares?”
I don’t answer. Because I don’t want you to have any hope.
He smiles. “Don’t worry about me having hope. If you truly don’t love me and can’t love me again, then my hope is gone.”
I narrow my eyes, not believing him.
He chuckles.
Why is he being so lighthearted about this?
“I’m going to guess the nightmares are about Milo?”
I nod almost involuntarily. They are about Milo, but also about someone else.
He grins again, as if he is winning a prize.
“And Langston hasn’t been able to keep them away?”
I shake my head.
“It’s because you had the right idea, but wrong man. Don’t get me wrong, Langston is a great friend. Someone you should talk to, but I’m the only one who can help you with this. Our connection is too great, even if your heart disagrees.”
He pulls his shirt off over his head and kicks his shoes off.
Damn.
I forgot how built he is. Every muscle appears sculpted into his body. There isn’t an ounce of fat on him, and that damn V disappearing into his pants does things to my body I don’t understand. Even his rough scars draw me in and make him more attractive, reminding me of how hard he fights to get what he wants. I shouldn’t want someone so cruel.
I lick my lips.
He notices.
“I could always take care of other needs, too. It might help you sleep to be sated and spent. You'll sleep hard, dreaming of my cock instead of…” his voice trails off as he realizes his mistake.
Bringing up Milo.
Any sexual thoughts shut down.
For both of us.
Enzo doesn’t speak again as he gets out of his pants and then into the bed next to me.
He turns the lamp off, and then we are in total darkness. He lays back on his side of the bed, giving me space.
“I love you, stingray. I will never stop loving you.”
I close my eyes. I wish you would stop. Because every time you say those words, I feel a tinge in my heart as if it’s reawakening a little. What I wouldn’t have given to hear him say that before. But I ended up giving away all of myself in order to hear those precious words.
I sigh and grip the covers tighter to my body.
“I’m here if you need me,” his voice hangs in the air.
But I don’t speak back.
Enzo is here. And for the first time in weeks, I fall asleep within minutes. Even though I know my nightmares are going to be about him.
3
ENZO
I WATCH HER SLEEP. And I know I won’t get one second of sleep tonight. Because I miss everything about her. And this is my only chance to soak all of her in.
Her smell.
Her breath.
Her aura.
But I still can’t get the one thing I’m desperate for—her touch.
Or her words.
Or her love.
Those things she has locked away, and I need to know why. What happened so that she will no longer allow herself to feel anything but pain toward me?
Kai’s breathing turns rapid and shallow instantly. I’m surprised she was able to fall asleep so quickly. She must be exhausted from how little sleep she’s been getti
ng with Langston trying to help her. Didn’t she know I was the key all along to her getting more sleep?
Langston is a good man. He’d do everything he could to protect her. But he’s not me. He doesn’t love her like I do. He’s not as skilled as I am. And he doesn’t have a rage growing inside him, blame for losing her again.
On second thought, maybe he is better capable of protecting her. Because I’ve failed so many fucking times. I don’t even deserve to earn the title of Mr. Black. If I’m incapable of protecting Kai, then I’m incapable of protecting the men and women who work for Black.
“No…” Kai’s bottom lip trembles as she says the word so softly I’m not sure she actually spoke.
I lean over on my right arm and scoot closer to her, but I don’t touch her. I won’t unless she wants me to. And since she can’t give consent in her sleep, I’m in a bit of a jam.
Maybe it’s not a nightmare, maybe it’s just a simple dream.
But when she says ‘no’ again, her voice is deeper, stronger, more determined than before; I know who she’s saying no to—Milo.
“Kai,” I say, calmly, hoping it’s enough to wake her up, or at least calm her brain enough to let the nightmare go.
“No, don’t fucking touch me,” Kai murmurs.
I sit up, moving as close as humanly possible to her without touching her. I run my hand through my hair in frustration.
“Kai!” I practically scream. I can’t stand her in pain. I can’t handle seeing her like this. “Wake up, baby.”
“No, get off me, Milo,” Kai says louder. Her face and hair are drenched in cold sweat, and her arms wrestle with the blanket wrapping around her.
I try to remove the blanket and sheet from her, but they are so tangled around her body there is nothing I can do without touching her.
Her face squeezes hard, as if experiencing pain. As if Milo is forcing himself inside her all over again.