On the way Dawn said to me, “Your mom told me to take care of you.”
“She told me to take care of you too.”
“She just wants us all to take care of each other.”
I nodded.
Dad and Aunt Morgan and Dawn and I carried our things back to the car and began the drive home. This time we didn’t play music. We didn’t even talk much. At some point Dawn and I fell asleep. We slept until Dad turned into our driveway.
11:12 P.M.
Can’t sleep. Again.
Why? I thought I’d be able to sleep.
When the funeral and today’s ceremony were over, I thought I’d be able sleep.
Tuesday, 3/30
4:26 P.M.
School is so boring.
Life is boring.
What is wrong with everyone?
What is wrong with me?
Aunt Morgan is gone. Dad is back at work. Came home today to an empty house. Yesterday too, but Dawn was with me.
I don’t like an empty house. Especially one that is empty because someone died in it.
Wednesday 3/31
7:40 P.M.
Dad worked late tonight so I am on my own.
One thing about an empty house. You get a lot of homework done. I am starting to catch up. Got an A on an English test.
Friday, 4/2
5:14 P.M.
MOM, I MISS YOU SO MUCH.
How long am I going to miss you in this way?
It hurts.
9:37 P.M.
Hey, Mom, are you here with me? Can you read this? I’m writing it for you, you know.
I think I can feel you with me, a little.
I still really need you, Mom.
I miss you.
I love you.
Maggie: Diary Three
California Diaries
Ann M. Martin
Contents
Tuesday 4/20
Wednesday 4/21
Friday 4/23
Monday 4/26
Tuesday 4/27
Wednesday 4/28
Thursday 4/29
Friday 4/30
Saturday 5/1
Sunday 5/2
Tuesday 5/4
Wednesday 5/5
Friday 5/7
Saturday 5/8
Sunday 5/9
Monday 5/10
Wednesday 5/12
Friday 5/14
Saturday 5/15
Monday 5/17
Tuesday 5/18
Wednesday 5/19
Friday 5/21
Saturday 5/22
Sunday 5/23
Tuesday 4/20
6:00 P.M.
I just read over this journal from the last few months and am reminded of all the intense things that have happened lately. The worst was Sunny’s mother dying. It’s been a whole month since Mrs. Winslow died and I still get teary thinking about it. She was so full of life and love. It’s hard to believe that she’s not around anymore.
I remember so many happy times at Sunny’s house. Mrs. Winslow always came up with cool projects for us to do—like tie-dyeing or making veggie burgers before anyone else knew about them. We never said, “There’s nothing to do,” when we were at Sunny’s.
We were four best friends then—Sunny, Dawn, Jill, and me. Of course, Jill isn’t part of our group anymore. And for awhile I thought Sunny was going to go off in a different direction too. Now she’s more like herself again. She’s stopped running away from her problems.
I guess in the past few months I’ve stopped running away from my problems too. Or at least I’ve stopped running from some of them. I look back at the entries where I wrote down everything that I ate—even a carrot stick. I kept writing that I was FAT FAT FAT. How could I not have realized that I had a problem? It seemed so normal to me then.
Now it’s so strange. It seems like that was a long time ago.
I’m glad it seems that way.
I’m a lot better about food. My friends are a great help—especially Amalia and Ducky. And of course Dr. Fuentes. Being in therapy is like writing in a diary that talks back.
What surprises me the most is how much I’ve written about Justin lately. First I liked him and he didn’t even notice me. When he finally did notice me and sort of liked me, all I could think about was not eating. Needless to say, he was not impressed. Now I’m better about eating, but Justin doesn’t seem to be interested in me anymore.
Do I care?
I’m not sure. Especially after what happened in school today.
I was in a stall in the bathroom. I heard two girls come in. They were talking about Justin, so I stayed in the stall and listened.
STALLED
GIRL IN SHINY BLACK BOOTS: Justin Randall is crazy about you, Nancy. You should have seen the way he looked at you when you came into math. You know it’s true.
NANCY (brown loafers): Shhh.
BLACK BOOTS: Look, you’re blushing.
NANCY (lowers voice): We’re just friends. It’s no big deal.
(Sound of flushing toilet drowns out rest of dialogue.)
BLACK BOOTS and NANCY exit bathroom.
Who’s Nancy? Does Justin like her? Or is it really a “friend” thing?
I don’t have a crush on Justin like I used to. But I felt sort of sick to my stomach when I heard he might have a new girlfriend.
Dad just came home. He’s calling Zeke and me to come downstairs. Now!
I better go see what he wants.
8:00 P.M.
Well, Dad’s done it again. The big spender gives his kids the newest, the latest, the best.
Actually, what he gave us is pretty amazing. Zeke and I each now have a Handy palm computer. It really does fit in the palm of my hand. When I open the Handy, there’s a tiny keyboard on one side and a screen on the other. I can also actually write on the little screen with this special pointer that converts my handwriting into type.
Dad said I should use the Handy for my address book, daily planner, assignment book, and to check my e-mail.
“Use it to take notes in your classes,” he said. “Then download everything into your laptop later.”
Right, Dad. I’m going to pull out this little techno wizard in class while everyone else is using pen and paper! It’s bad enough I sometimes bring my laptop to school.
Zeke’s already e-mailed three of his friends from his Handy. He can’t wait to show his new high-tech toy to his buddies.
Really, I think the Handy is neat, but I don’t want anyone at school to know I have it. It’s embarrassing to have so much more stuff than my friends have.
“Only the best for the best,” Dad said when he gave Zeke and me our Handys. “You can’t be the best and the brightest without the latest technology. I want my kids to keep up.”
I hate it when Dad talks like that. Why does he think money equals talent and brains? It doesn’t. Period. Anyone with half a brain knows that.
Time to go.
10:00 P.M.
Well. Another typical Blume family dinner. Mom was drinking vodka and eyeing the wine bottle. Zeke was stuffing his face and talking a mile a minute about some Star Trek chat group on the Internet.
“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” my father boomed from the head of the table.
“Don’t yell,” my mother mumbled under her breath.
Dad steered the conversation to his new movie. He asked me, for about the twentieth time, if I’d read the script yet.
“I need a teenager’s reaction,” he said.
I reminded him that he only gave me the script last night and that I’ve been to school, done homework, and practiced the piano since then. But the truth is, I don’t want to read Love Conquers All. It will be just as lame as his other movies. But I’ll have to act like it’s some big deal.
I haven’t told any of my friends that Dad’s landed Tyler Kendall for the lead of Love Conquers All. I’m not at all interested in “Hollywood’s hot new teen star.” I know what movie stars are like—esp
ecially the child star variety. Self-centered and shallow.
I tried to concentrate on my dinner. But with Dad’s bragging and Mom’s drinking, I could barely get down a few bites. I am always hungry before dinner, but when I sit down to eat with my family I lose my appetite. Now there’s a diet.
I wonder if Sunny and her dad had dinner together.
Ducky probably picked up some takeout tonight. Ducky—the most generous, sweet, lovable, fun guy in the world.
Dinner at Dawn’s house will be a happy time, what with the new baby and all.
I bet there were extra people at Amalia’s table. The Vargases are always inviting people to stay for dinner. It’s so casual, homey, and fun at their house. I wonder if Brendan is eating with them tonight. Brendan and Amalia make a great pair, even if they’re not fully ready to admit it.
Note to myself: Don’t push the Amalia/Brendan thing. After James, Amalia needs to take her time with guys.
Note to myself #2: Springtime is a perfect time for new beginnings. I, Maggie Blume, do hereby resolve to have a great spring.
Me and my friends.
We all deserve it.
Wednesday 4/21
3:45 P.M.
Ducky and Sunny dropped me off at therapy on their way to Mr. Winslow’s bookstore. Ducky had to be at work by four and Sunny was going too. She’s been helping her father a lot. I think it does her good to be around her dad—and Ducky.
Since I’m fifteen minutes early for my shrink appointment, I’m typing on the Handy for the first time. I keep making mistakes on these little keys, but I think I’ll get used to it.
I just wrote my schedule in the daily planner and copied it into my diary file. Cool.
4:00 P.M. Dr. Fuentes
5:00 P.M. Dinner at Amalia’s
7:00 P.M. Vanish practice
What else do I have to report? Dad’s big media campaign for Love Conquers All has started.
Why does everybody make such a big deal out of movie stars? Dawn, Sunny, Amalia, and I were having lunch together when Jill and a couple of her new friends came over to our table.
“Tyler Kendall!” Jill shrieked. “He’s going to be in your dad’s movie? You could meet him? Maggie! He’s only, like, the cutest guy in America!”
I explained about hairdressers, makeup, and touched-up photographs. “Besides, looks aren’t everything. Especially if that’s all you have,” I concluded.
Sunny nudged my arm and grinned. “Come on, Mags,” she teased. “Admit it. You’d love to be in the same room with Tyler Kendall and Felicia Hope. It’s only normal.”
I was glad to see Sunny smiling, but I wasn’t crazy about what she was saying. My friends just don’t believe how shallow movie stars can be.
“Felicia Hope is going to be in it too,” gushed Jill.
“You’ll probably meet them, Maggie,” Dawn said. “I mean, you could if you wanted to.”
I told her that I’ve already met Felicia Hope.
“You did?” exclaimed Jill. “That’s so awesome. If I could meet Tyler Kendall I would die of happiness.”
Jill pulled out a copy of Stars and Hearts magazine. Tyler Kendall was on the cover.
“Black hair and green eyes,” sighed Jill. “And look at his smile. He’s so perfect.”
I told her that you don’t know what’s real and what’s fake with actors. That he probably wears green contacts, has caps on all his teeth, and dyes his hair.
“That’s an awful thing to say,” spoke up one of Jill’s friends. “How could you say that about Tyler?”
I love how they’re on a first-name basis.
“Felicia is so beautiful,” said the other girl with Jill. “He must be in love with her. I’m so jealous.”
“She’s totally fake,” I said. “Including some of her body parts. And she definitely had a nose job.”
“That’s so not true,” said Jill. “It’s a rumor.”
Amalia covered her mouth to stifle a laugh.
Jill and her friends begged me to ask Tyler to autograph their magazines.
I refused.
But Jill didn’t give up. She left the magazine rolled up in my locker handle. A note was posted in the corner. “Please, Maggie. Just this once. I’ll never ask you for a favor again. Love, Jill.”
Hot-pink letters across the bottom of the magazine cover announced: TYLER KENDALL: EVERY GIRL’S DREAM BOY!
Not mine.
In Car. 4:50 P.M.
I have such a tight schedule today that I had our car pick me up at therapy and drive me to Amalia’s.
My Handy is handy. So much easier to carry around than the laptop.
Key points from my session with Dr. Fuentes.
1. It’s okay that I couldn’t eat dinner last night. Admit to myself that eating with family affects me that way.
2. All people who like movie stars aren’t shallow. And maybe some movie stars aren’t shallow. (NOT MANY!)
3. Spring is a great time to have a great time.
4. Don’t think so much. Just do.
10:00 P.M.
Back from Vanish practice. Dinner at Amalia’s was fun. I’m so much more relaxed there than at my own house. It’s not that the Vargases are laid-back. They can be very intense. But they’re intense in a good, honest way. Amalia’s sister and her boyfriend had a disagreement about what they were going to do after dinner. But they talked it out honestly—instead of saying one thing and feeling another. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT DIDN’T HAPPEN BETWEEN ME AND JUSTIN AT VANISH PRACTICE.
When and I came into rehearsal, Patti was setting up her drums with Bruce. Rico asked me to play something while he adjusted the settings on the speakers. I took a quick look around to see if Justin was there.
He wasn’t.
I sat at the piano and ran through a few numbers. I was singing “Friday Night Blues” when Justin came in.
“Wait back there!” Rico shouted to him. “You and Amalia listen from the back. Sing ‘Touching,’ Maggie.”
I did.
TOUCHING
You came into my life
When I wasn’t looking.
First, you touched me
With your eyes
And voice.
Then you put your hand in mine.
You came into my life
When I wasn’t looking.
I see you now.
I hear your voice.
I hold your hand.
You came into my life.
It was hard to concentrate on the lyrics. I used to think about Justin when I sang that song. How could I want to hold his hand now? He doesn’t want to hold mine. Does he hold Nancy’s? I wondered.
I was very distracted.
After Rico straightened out the sound, Justin opened his guitar case. He didn’t even look in my direction.
During the break, Amalia and I stood in the doorway, drinking sodas. After awhile, Justin joined us. Amalia said some normal, friendly things to Justin.
He said other normal, friendly things back to her. When he looked in my direction, I sort of smiled.
Rico called an end to the break and I headed back to the keyboard. Justin ran to catch up to me. “So how’s it been going?” he asked.
“Fine,” I said. “You?”
He beamed a huge smile. “Great. Things are just great.”
Because of Nancy? Is that what he meant? Why did I have to say I was fine? Fine is such a lame word.
Why am I so nervous around Justin? It’s not like anything big ever happened between us. We talked. Held hands.
Never even kissed.
I wish I knew about Nancy.
I’m sick of writing about Justin. I’m sick of thinking about him.
I guess I’ll read Love Conquers All so my father will stop bugging me about it.
11:30 P.M.
Love Conquers All is a poor imitation of Romeo and Juliet, She’s All That, and about a hundred other movies that were written a lot better.
Here’s the plot in a nutshell
:
Intellectual, nerdy schoolgirl is swept out to sea by an undertow while collecting mollusk specimens for a science project. Drop-dead-gorgeous surfer boy rescues her.
Surfer Boy and Brains go to the same school and are even in some of the same classes. She recognizes him when he saves her, but he’s never even noticed her before. He mostly skips school anyway.
After the rescue he asks Brains her name. Embarrassed, she gives him a false one.
Back at school, Brains is lovesick and starts to question the way she’s living her life. She makes friends with a hip girl who helps her change her style.
Meanwhile, Surfer Boy finally learns it’s Brains he’s fallen for. He assumes that she had given him a false name because she didn’t want anything to do with him. He figures if he wants to get her attention, he better start attending classes and doing some work.
One day she cuts class to look for him at the beach (in her new beach bum look). But he’s at school for a day of classes in the hope of seeing her.
They finally meet at the end of the day, through a totally unrealistic set of circumstances, and it’s true luv.
More stuff happens. His friends think he’s nuts to like her, especially super-surfer Pam, who is after him.
Brains’ father—principal of the high school—and mother—a scientist—are up in arms about the way she’s behaving.
Our star-crossed lovers overcome obstacles and—SURPRISE!—live happily ever after.
Like that’s real.
It’s not any worse than any of Dad’s other movies, so I’ll tell him it’s good. Meaning, good box office.
Which it is.
That’s all he cares about anyway.
Friday 4/23
11:00 A.M.
Am using the Handy in the school library. Off in a corner where no one will see me.
When Zeke and I were having breakfast this morning, Mom came into the kitchen. This was a shock, since she NEVER gets up before we go to school.
Diary Three: Dawn, Sunny, Maggie, Amalia, and Ducky Page 15