She tossed her phone on the bed and let the tears flow, feeling betrayed by the person who’d always meant the world to her.
Valerie didn’t call Ryan after that phone call, although she missed him terribly. The shifts at the hospital were long enough to keep her mind busy, but as soon as she was home, she longed to call him and listen to him telling her where he’d been, who he’d met, and all the exciting details he used to share with her.
Missing him in the physical sense was tough. Even after four years, she’d never gotten used to not having him around all the time, but not being able to talk to him was more than she could bear.
Still, she wasn’t going to give in. She wasn’t going to call him, not after the way he’d treated her on the phone. She could be stubborn when she wanted, and he knew it. If and when he wanted to speak to her, he’d call her.
For a week, the pain kept her tossing and turning in her sleep, gave her nightmares, and left a permanent lump in her throat, making her feel miserable most of the time.
As if having lost her best friend wasn’t enough, she felt she’d completely lost the purpose of her career and wasted ten years of her life. She’d studied hard to become a surgeon but losing a patient, her first patient, had made everything crumble in the blink of an eye.
She’d been working in the ER for a couple of weeks now, and she didn’t mind. Maybe she wouldn’t become a surgeon like she’d planned, but taking care of people was what she loved doing, so any ward would do as long as it didn’t involve an operating room.
Even so, she felt as if she’d failed, unlike Ryan, who’d reached all of his goals and had gone even further becoming the contemporary shining star of jazz music.
She was a coward. That was the only word she could use to define her behavior in the past few weeks. Instead of pulling herself together, she’d turned her back to it all and had run away, throwing all of her hard work and efforts out the window.
Even her flatmate Karen, her one true friend besides Ryan who knew her well enough, after sharing a room with her for the past ten years, hadn’t quite understood her decision. She was studying to become a surgeon too, and she knew too well how hard they’d all been working to get to where they were now. During one of their long, tearful—on Valerie’s side—chats, she’d told Valerie she should get back on her feet and move on; those things happened all the time, and there was no point in letting one bad event erase ten years of hard work.
But in spite of all the encouraging words, Karen hadn’t succeeded in making her open her eyes any more than everyone else who’d tried. Valerie hadn’t changed her mind, nor had she moved on. It had happened almost a month before, but she could still see the man’s face, and hear the alarm ring loudly in her ears. She could still hear Doctor Gray’s warm tone and gentle words trying to soothe the pain. She remembered how cool, reassuring, and detached he’d been when he’d spoken to the family. He’d forgotten everything a few hours later, and there she was, still thinking about that day, throwing in the towel after the very first failure.
Ryan had just left Montreal to move on to Vancouver for his last show. The tickets for the Quebec shows had been sold out within hours, so they’d put on another two shows, and by then he was so worn out every night he could barely make it to his bedroom before crashing.
He’d been thinking a lot about calling Valerie so he could tell her all about the shows. She loved hearing about all the places he went to and all the things he saw; he always took lots of pictures with his cell phone and sent them to her so that she could be part of it too. Being away from her was the toughest part of his job, but thanks to technology it always felt as if she was with him wherever he went.
After what she’d done though, and without even asking for his advice like she used to do before making any important decisions, he didn’t feel like talking to her because he knew he would be mean, just like he’d been when she’d first told him. She could be so stubborn when she wanted—hell, she could be such a child sometimes. No, he wasn’t going to call her, not until he’d thought about what he would say.
Still, he knew the grudge wouldn’t last long. He just couldn’t hold grudges toward her because she was much too important to him. He knew he couldn’t lose her or break their friendship for something he knew they’d be able to talk through once he was home.
They’d never had arguments before, apart from that one time when he’d told her he’d go on a tour to promote his first album and she’d thrown a fit at the news; but then again, that had been because she’d been in a gloomy mood due to a fellow student in her team being nasty to her. After he’d promised he’d always call her and keep in touch, she’d relented, and everything had gone back to normal.
No, he definitely didn’t like fighting with Valerie. She was his closest friend and the one person who understood him completely. Although he had a true friend in Kevin, who’d been his very first American friend as well as his roommate, there was something special about his friendship with Valerie—something no stupid argument could destroy.
He knew he’d have to make the first move this time, because his words had hurt her. Hurting Val was the last thing he wanted, but he’d been so shocked by her decision that he hadn’t been able to shut his mouth before the words had left it.
When he woke up on her twenty-ninth birthday, he couldn’t take it any longer. As soon as the alarm on his phone went off, he brushed his hands across his face, yawned loudly and pressed her number on the speed dial, hoping she wouldn’t still be mad at him.
Chapter 4
When Valerie woke up on her twenty-ninth birthday, she felt as old as a ninety-year-old lady. She was getting close to thirty, and she dreaded the thought. She spent half her days working in the hospital, and the remaining hours she would either sleep or stay cooped up in the apartment she and Karen shared. She had no love life at all and, she thought, even if Prince Charming showed up on her doorstep now, she wouldn’t have time for him anyway.
Okay, she liked her job, but at this rate, she’d never get married and never have children, because what chances did she have to meet the man of her dreams when she was locked up in a hospital all day?
Karen had managed to meet someone, though. She’d recently started dating Kevin, Ryan’s friend and ex-roommate, and apparently they were doing well together. He was still as bizarre as the first time Valerie had met him, acting like an artist and living on another planet most of the time, whereas Karen had her feet well glued to the ground. Despite their differences and Karen’s crazy shifts though, they were sort of complementary souls, and Valerie was happy for them.
Then why couldn’t she get a life herself?
She kicked away the blankets in a huff and wished she could just skip this day and wake up tomorrow, when she wouldn’t have to feel miserable because her best friend wasn’t there to celebrate her birthday with her, the way he’d always done until now.
She hadn’t heard a word from him in more than a week, and she was starting to go crazy. She needed him in her life; no matter how much those words had hurt her, he was the only one who could make her feel worthwhile, and without him she wasn’t sure how long she’d be able to manage.
She’d meant to call him more than once, especially after she’d had a bad day at the hospital, but she’d been too scared that he’d still be mad at her and he’d say nasty words or, even worse, that he’d tell her he was so disappointed he didn’t want to have anything to do with her anymore.
Her phone vibrated on her bedside table, and she grabbed it before the noise woke Karen, who was still asleep in the bed across the room.
She looked at the display and rushed out of the bedroom before answering.
“Hiya, birthday girl!”
Ryan was chuckling and, despite her recent thoughts and feelings, the sound of his laughter made her feel a little better. She let out a sigh of relief as she understood that this could only mean he wasn’t mad at her anymore.
“Ryan… I thought… um…�
�� Her voice cracked, and she cleared her throat before speaking again. “I’m sorry,” she eventually said. By now she didn’t care whose fault it was or who should be the one apologizing. She only wanted her friend back and she didn’t mind taking the blame if it meant things would go back to how they’d been before that stupid argument.
“No, Val. I am sorry. I was mean; you were in a fragile state of mind and didn’t deserve that from me. I still can’t understand your decision, but you’re my friend and I’ll stand by you always.”
“You were right, though. I’m a coward, running away after the first failure. I tried to get over it, just like everyone told me to, but the first time I had to walk into the operating room I started hyperventilating and a nurse had to pull up a chair and help me sit before I collapsed on the floor.” She shuddered, remembering how awful she’d felt when that panic attack had kicked in. “I didn’t want to give in, but I could see no other option. This way, I can still be a doctor and help people.”
“But why didn’t you talk to me about it? Why didn’t you ask for my help, like you always do?” His tone sounded more hurt than reproachful, and Valerie knew he had every right to feel left out, because that was exactly what she’d done—she’d left him out.
“I didn’t want to disappoint you, Ryan. You’re so successful, you’ve achieved all your goals and I… I’m still struggling to find my place in the world. I felt… stupid.”
Ryan let out a huff, and there was a long silence before he spoke again.
“I could never be disappointed in you, Val. I’ve known you forever; I know you’re smart, strong and, well, yeah, stubborn, too.” He chuckled, and Valerie rolled her eyes, even though he couldn’t see her. He was right, though. “I can only guess how awful it must’ve been for you, but I have faith in you and I know that someday, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even next year, but one day you’ll get over your fears and you’ll be able to finish your training.”
Valerie closed her eyes, wishing she had as much faith in herself as Ryan had.
“So, are we okay, now? Are you still holding a grudge or something?” he asked cheerfully, and she knew he wasn’t trying to drop the subject; he was giving her time to process what he’d said.
“No, I’m not. You know I could never bear a grudge against you,” she said in a mock gruff tone. His chuckle from the other end of the line reached her soul and warmed her heart. “I hate fighting with you, Ryan. Promise me we’ll never fight again.”
“Only if you promise to give yourself a little more credit and think about what I said. Deal?”
“Deal.” Valerie smiled. Her friend was back; her knight in shining armor, who always came to her rescue whenever her resolve faltered, had come to save her again. She’d missed him tremendously during the silent treatment.
“Are you still in Montreal?” she asked, not sure where exactly he was now. Ever since the fight she’d lost track of his schedule.
“Nope, Vancouver. I got here last night.”
“Vancouver? Shouldn’t you be asleep, then?”
“Well, yes, I should. But I wanted to be the first to wish you happy birthday, so I set the alarm.”
His sweet words brought tears to her eyes, and she wished once again he didn’t have to travel so much. Sometimes she needed him so badly she wished she could just close her eyes and be next to him when she opened them again.
“So, watcha up to today? Are you gonna ditch the hospital and party all day perhaps?”
“I wish! Doctors don’t have days off for their birthdays. It’s a tough world out there; not all of us are celebrities, traveling around the world and making an awful lot of money.”
He chuckled. “Well, what would you say if this celebrity spent his hard-earned awful lot of money to take his best friend out to dinner in an expensive restaurant as soon as she has a free night?”
“I’d say that’s the best idea you’ve had in years, Jazz Star. By the way when are you coming home?” She couldn’t remember if he’d told her Vancouver was the last show or if there would be another one.
“We’re staying a couple of days longer than we’d planned, but I should be back by the end of the week.”
Valerie sighed. Four more days seemed like months right now, but she’d have to make do. It wasn’t as if she could ask him to cancel the tour and come home; it was his career after all, and she should stop being selfish, wanting him all for herself. Though that was easier said than done.
“I miss you.” She knew she sounded like a whiny little girl, but she wanted him to know how this forced separation affected her.
“I miss you too, Val and I really wish you were here. Vancouver is a great place; I’m sure you’d like it.”
“Well, I could always ditch the hospital and visit you there.” The thought sounded so inviting right now.
“Do you want me to book a ticket for you?” he asked, in a serious tone. “I could get on the internet and do it as we speak.”
Valerie closed her eyes, wishing for once that she’d chosen a nine-to-five office job, so she could call and get a day off without worrying too much about the consequences. “You need to go back to sleep now, Ryan. You’re talking nonsense,” she said, shaking the thoughts away.
He laughed and let out a yawn. “And you have to go save lives, Doc.”
“Yeah, I guess I have to go now.”
He promised he’d call her soon and wished her happy birthday again, before he hung up. She lingered a little longer on the floor outside her bedroom, feeling a little better. Once again, Ryan had managed to turn her birthday into a special day even though he was miles away.
Chapter 5
After he’d come home from the Canadian tour, Ryan had only stayed two days in Boston and had barely managed to see Valerie and take her out to dinner to celebrate her birthday, before he’d had to leave again. Valerie hadn’t been happy about his short stay, and he hadn’t either, but that was his life now. He shouldn’t complain about it; there were hundreds of young talented artists who’d give anything to be in his shoes. He should consider himself lucky and be grateful for his success.
He’d already been away for three weeks and it was starting to take its toll on him. His manager had planned interviews and public appearances every single day, and he would be performing every other night, leaving him very little time for sleeping, relaxing, or sightseeing. He’d been in eight cities so far, but he hadn’t seen much more than the hotels he’d been staying in, the venues where he’d performed, and the places where he’d been interviewed—and this really bothered him.
What he’d initially considered a dream come true was slowly turning into a nightmare, and he wasn’t sure this was really what he wanted. His parents were proud of him, in spite of their initial reaction when he’d told them he was going to sign a contract with a record company. His friend Kevin kept telling him that he was the human personification of “the luck of the Irish,” while he himself was still working his way to get into the spotlight, and Ryan knew his grandfather would be proud of what he had achieved.
Still, all the traveling and being surrounded by hundreds of people didn’t feel half as good as he’d expected. When he was alone at last in his hotel room at night, he often found himself wishing Valerie could be there and share all that with him. He got to stay in luxurious hotels, eat at fancy restaurants, and meet famous people he’d never even dreamed he’d be able to meet, but it didn’t feel as exciting as he knew it would feel if she were with him.
He hadn’t been able to speak to her in the past couple of days since she’d told him she’d be working double shifts for a few days, and she’d probably barely manage to get some sleep when she wasn’t at work. He’d confined himself to sending her text messages whenever he was free because it somehow made him feel less alone. Even though he knew she wouldn’t have time to reply, knowing that he could always send her messages whenever he was thinking of her made her feel closer.
If Kevin could hear his thoughts he’d
never stop teasing him about what he used to call “a secret crush disguised as friendship.” Sometimes it felt awful knowing that he couldn’t talk about it with his only male friend.
He felt alone. He suddenly realized he was alone. Apart from Valerie and Kevin, he had no other friends, no one he could really trust. Not even his manager, who was a great man, but whose only worry was to make as much money as possible, without really caring too much about how Ryan felt about it all.
As he lay down on his hotel bed, feeling as if he hadn’t slept in years, he hoped Valerie would go back to her normal shifts soon enough, because he knew he just couldn’t keep going without his lucky charm for long.
Valerie was on a subway train in Boston, going home at last after another night shift, and she was ready to collapse on her bed as soon as she closed the door behind her. Even though she barely managed to keep her eyes open, she hoped she’d be able to speak to Ryan before crashing. She’d been working double shifts and hadn’t been able to call him in the past couple of days, but she really wanted to talk to him now. She missed him. It was as if she was starting to run out of breath, and she knew he’d be the oxygen she needed.
She tried to remember where he would be today, but she’d completely lost track of time over the past few days and simply hoped that, wherever he was now, he’d be able to take her call.
A Love Melody Page 3