Sharon flinched. Valerie had never raised her voice before. No wonder her attitude had shocked the nurse.
“Doctor Walker is in the OR already, and so is Doctor Fox, though they said he should be out anytime now.” A nurse came out from behind the reception area, and everyone turned to look at her. “I tried while you were talking.”
“Then we’ll have to stabilize him until Doctor Fox can operate on him.” She knew she was being unprofessional and was wasting precious time, but there was nothing she could do.
“No, we can’t do that,” Sharon said, with the soft tone a mother would use to reassure her child. “We don’t know when Doctor Fox will be free. The man could be dead by the time we take him into the OR. You’re gonna have to do it, Valerie. You’re scared now, I understand it, but you’re a good surgeon, and I know you can do it. You’re this man’s only chance of survival.”
Valerie shook her head, taking a step back away from Sharon and closer to the stretcher.
“No, no. I can’t. I just can’t.” Her legs shook, and she leaned against the stretcher for support. She couldn’t operate and risk losing another patient on her table. One had caused enough trouble in her mind, and she hadn’t yet come to terms with it.
She hung her head and when she opened her eyes, the man’s hand was sticking out of the blanket, and the light reflecting off a ring on his right ring finger caught her eye. The vision took a few seconds to register, but when its significance reached her brain, her blood went cold and drained from her face, while her legs turned to jelly. It was a Celtic ring, their ring. The symbol of their friendship they’d bought together so many years ago, before Ryan had moved to Boston, and which he considered his lucky charm. The same ring that hung from a silver chain around her neck, together with the shamrock he’d bought her at Tiffany’s on her twenty-third birthday. She instinctively touched it, feeling it under her scrubs.
“It can’t be,” she whispered, as she took a closer look at the ring on those long fingers. It couldn’t be him. There must be someone else who wore the same ring, who had the exact same beautiful hands.
She bent to examine the man’s face, half-hidden behind the oxygen mask, and it all seemed to happen in slow motion, as the paramedics and nurses temporarily disappeared. When she removed the oxygen mask from his face for just a second, tears welled in her eyes and her legs gave in.
“No, no, no, no!” she screamed. Allan grabbed her, seconds before she collapsed, and she turned back, holding onto him as if she were about to fall off a precipice and he was the only one who could save her. Tears streamed down her cheeks.
“What’s the matter, Valerie?” Sharon asked, rushing to her side.
“He’s... my... best... friend,” she managed to say between sobs. Sharon let out a gasp.
“You mean Ryan?” Sharon asked. Ryan had showed up at the hospital every now and then when he wasn’t touring or promoting his music, and he’d always created a bit of a sensation among the nurses. Nearly everyone in the ER knew by now how important their friendship was. “Valerie, we can’t waste any more time, then. You’ve got to do it.”
Valerie shook her head, as sobs shook her body, and looked at Sharon, feeling like a child seeking comfort in her mother’s arms. “I can’t. I don’t want to kill him.”
“You will if you keep waiting for someone else to come and operate on him, can’t you see?” Sharon’s tone was soft but had a firm edge now, and it somehow helped Valerie to regain control of herself. “You’re a surgeon, and you’re the only one among us who can save him. If you don’t do something now, you’re gonna regret it for the rest of your life.”
“What if something goes wrong? What if he dies? I can’t lose him...”
“Then do something. You can save him, Valerie; you can do it. I have faith in you.”
Valerie sobbed, and suddenly the whole situation felt unreal, as if she were living in a sort of awful nightmare: Ryan was fighting for his life on a stretcher, and she was the only one who could do something to save him—but she was too scared. She’d lost a patient, and she’d given up on the surgical career forever, but if she didn’t do something now, if she didn’t manage to get over her fears, her best friend, the most important person in her life, would probably die, and she would regret it as long as she lived. Would she be able to live with that horrible guilt?
But what if she operated on him, trying to save him, and she killed him? Would she be able to live with the remorse? She wondered for a moment what would be worse: Ryan dying because she didn’t have the guts to pick up a scalpel and do what she’d studied so hard for, or Ryan dying after she had done whatever was humanly possible to save him?
“Valerie, every second counts. You’ve got to make up your mind. Are you going to let Ryan die on this stretcher?”
Sharon’s voice shook her out of her thoughts, and she took another look at Ryan, lying almost lifeless on that cold stretcher, his face covered in blood and scratches, his skin turning paler as seconds ticked by. No, she couldn’t watch her best friend die because of her cowardice, knowing that she could have done something if only she’d been braver.
“No, of course I’m not. Let’s take him upstairs to surgery. And would someone please call Doctor Fox and have him join me as soon as he’s free? I’ll need a hand.”
Two minutes later the whole team was in the operating room, preparing Ryan while Valerie put on her surgical coat, cap, and latex gloves. Valerie took a long, deep breath to stop her legs from shaking as she walked in and approached the surgical table.
“Scalpel, please.”
As she made an incision in her best friend’s skin, she was grateful she’d studied so hard to become a doctor. If she hadn’t, right now she’d be in a waiting room, praying that the person who was taking care of Ryan knew what he was doing. She couldn’t let anything happen to him.
She had made the decision to follow her best friend to a foreign country and leave her family and home behind just because she’d never be able to imagine living her life without him. She’d never regretted her decision. He’d been the most important person in her life for almost seventeen years, and if she could go back in time, she’d do it all over again.
She wouldn’t let him die now.
With her hands stained in her best friend’s blood, she prayed to God that her knowledge would be enough to save Ryan’s life.
Chapter 24
“Oh, no, you don’t!” Valerie yelled, as soon as the alarm of the machine connected to Ryan’s body went off. “You’re not dying on my table, Ryan. There’s no way you’re gonna die on my table. I won’t let you!”
Her hands shook violently and she dropped the pair of forceps she’d been holding. The instrument clattered to the floor and she flinched.
Doctor Jason Fox, who’d arrived just minutes before, promptly grabbed the internal defibrillator paddles and placed them inside Ryan’s chest with no hesitation. She was glad he was on duty tonight. She needed his expertise and his professional detachment now that the most important person in her life lay on an operating table.
“Charge to twenty,” he ordered. The machine buzzed but the alarm didn’t stop. The constant, high-pitched beep pierced Valerie’s eardrums, bringing her back to that dreadful day, the last time she’d set foot in the operating room. The déjà vu hit her hard, making her hands shake violently and her head spin. She saw herself, bent over the man’s body, frantically trying to make the man’s heart start beating again, as the buzzing noise of the defibrillator echoed in her ears while they gave the first, the second, the third shock. The same ice-cold chill that had seemed to replace the blood in her veins ran through her now.
No!
She wouldn’t be a spectator again. Doctor Fox may have more experience, but to him Ryan was just another patient—just an unfortunate casualty he hadn’t been able to save. Once he was out of the operating room, he’d go back to his life as if nothing had happened. There would be no life worth living for Valerie, if she le
t Doctor Fox act like a competent, detached doctor who knew when it was time to stop fighting to bring a patient back.
She couldn’t waste another second—no matter the consequences on her career for acting on impulse without consulting with the elder surgeon first. What she intended to do was dangerous and she’d only ever read about it, but she couldn’t lose her best friend—not without fighting until they dragged her body out of the operating room.
Before Doctor Fox could say it was over, Valerie put her hands inside Ryan’s chest and felt for his heart. There was a collective gasp, but nobody tried to stop her—probably wanting to humor her so she wouldn’t feel bad afterward for not having tried.
She started compressing Ryan’s heart with both hands, the way she’d read and had seen other doctors do, and while she counted rhythmically, she begged God to help her save Ryan.
I promise I’ll get over my fears. Please let me save him, and I swear on my life I’ll go back to surgery. I won’t disappoint you. Please God, if you hear me, don’t take him away from me.
“Doctor Fogarty,” someone said, touching her arm. “You should stop now.”
Valerie shook her head, her hands continuing their rhythmical compression. No, this couldn’t be the end, he couldn’t die like that—there was no way she was giving up.
“I can do this. I can do this, dammit!” she said, more to herself than to the people around her.
“Valerie, we’ve lost him. It’s over.”
Doctor Fox came up behind her and rested both his hands on her shoulders, squeezing as if in comfort.
“No, no, I’m not giving up. I can do this. I can bring him back!” She shook her head in desperation. Her brow was beaded with sweat and tears blurred her vision, but she didn’t stop.
Don’t leave me, Ryan.
She flinched when his heart beat in her hand, and her own heart shot up into her throat as the steady sound of the machine changed to a normal, rhythmical beep—the beat of Ryan’s heart.
There were a couple of seconds of stunned silence before everyone recovered and surrounded the operating table again. Valerie looked up from Ryan’s chest to Doctor Fox, who’d now moved to the opposite side of the table.
“Wow,” he said, staring at Valerie with wide eyes from behind his surgical goggles. “If I weren’t a scientist, I’d say this is the closest to a miracle I’ve experienced. Great job, Valerie.”
A tear rolled down her cheek and she smiled faintly. Ryan was alive. The worst was behind them, now. Relief clogged her throat and her bottom lip quivered. She needed air.
“I can finish here, if you need a break.”
Doctor Fox nodded at her, a silent permission to get out. Even with her face half-hidden by the surgical mask and goggles, he’d been able to see she needed some time. She wiped her brow with the back of her hand, unconcerned about staining her skin with the blood that covered her gloves, and stared at Ryan for a moment. She had saved him, and that was all that mattered right now.
She bent and whispered against Ryan’s ear, “You’re okay now. I’ll be right back.”
She thanked Doctor Fox, threw one last glance at Ryan and walked out, removing the surgical gloves and coat on her way out. She rushed down the corridor and through the emergency exit to the flight of stairs. After the door had closed behind her, her knees buckled and she sagged. She sat on the cold steps, put her head between her knees and with her hands on the back of her head she sobbed in relief until she was nearly breathless.
She didn’t know how long she stayed hidden in the flight of stairs, but when the emergency door opened and Doctor Fox peeped out, the tension and gut-wrenching worry had left her body and was being replaced by exhaustion.
“I thought you’d be here,” he said, smiling at her. She smiled back. “We’re taking him into recovery if you want to see him before we move him to the ICU.”
She nodded, and when he held out a hand, she took it without hesitation, too worn out to play the part of the strong woman.
“Thank you for taking care of him while I was out here,” she said, as they walked side by side down the brightly lit and strangely quiet corridor.
“No problem. You okay?” he asked, opening the door to the recovery room and scrutinizing her face before stepping aside to let her in. “It must’ve been pretty tough—you know, operating again and on your best friend to make it even worse.”
She shrugged and let out a long breath. “I’d be lying if I said it was easy. But the thought of losing him scared me much more than picking up a scalpel again.”
“You did a great job. I’m glad you didn’t listen to me and kept fighting.” He smiled and patted her arm approvingly. “I’d better go back to my patients now. But call me if you need anything, okay? I’ll be here till eight a.m. Maybe I’ll see you when they bring him to the ICU, if I haven’t gone home yet.”
She smiled back at him, then closed the door behind her and rushed to Ryan’s bed.
Chapter 25
Sitting on a chair by Ryan’s bed in the recovery room, Valerie stared as the sheet covering his body lifted rhythmically with his every breath. The sound of his now steady heartbeat echoed in the room through the machine monitoring his vitals, and it soothed her nerves.
“Everything seems okay. It doesn’t look like the brain suffered any damages.” Doctor Walker was at the table on the other side of the room, checking the results of Ryan’s brain scan.
She turned her head to look at him. “Are you sure?” she asked, even though she knew he was the best neurosurgeon in Boston—if not in the whole country.
He nodded and put the scan on the table, before approaching the bed.
“You did a great job, Valerie,” he said, giving her a congratulatory shoulder pat. “Jason told me what you did. I don’t know another young surgeon who would have tried that—you were very brave. Now we only have to wait and see. I’ll check on him later, okay?”
She nodded and forced a smile. He seemed to buy it and walked out of the room, leaving her alone with her thoughts and the steady sound of the machine monitoring Ryan’s vitals.
She thought back to when they had called her to replace Doctor Moore, who was supposed to be on the night shift. When she’d received the call from the hospital, she had hung up and unhappily canceled her date with Ryan, all the while hoping nothing bad would happen during her shift—nothing that would force her to face her fears.
Now, looking as Ryan’s pale face regained a bit of color under all those scratches and cuts, she thanked heaven that she was on shift when he’d been brought in and that she had been able to save his life. If Doctor Moore had been there, he probably wouldn’t have done his utmost to resuscitate Ryan, like she had done. It must have been fate that had made the pipes in his house burst just a minute before he was leaving to go to work. She’d been given the chance to save her best friend and she hadn’t given up, not even when the nurses and Doctor Fox had told her to. Now all she could do was wait for him to wake up.
If he ever wakes up, a voice inside her head told her. She shook the thought away. She couldn’t go there. She needed to be confident that he’d be okay once they reduced the medications that were keeping him in an induced coma to help his body recover.
She stared at him and stroked his hair, nostalgically remembering that funny-looking forelock he used to have when they were teenagers, and that he had cut off months after moving to Boston.
“I’m here, Ryan,” she whispered as she took his hand. “Everything’s gonna be fine, I promise.”
For a brief second it seemed his fingers twitched, as if to squeeze hers, but that would be wishful thinking—there was no way he’d ever be able to hear her with all the sedatives they had given him.
She rested her head on her left hand and propped her elbow on the armrest of the plastic armchair; her breathing automatically synchronized with Ryan’s and her eyelids became heavier with every breath she took, with every beep coming from the machine next to Ryan’s bed. She threw
one last glance at the monitor and, satisfied with the data she saw there, she stopped fighting and closed her eyes.
She woke up with a start and sprang to her feet when someone tapped her arm.
“What’s wrong? Is he okay?” she asked, her gaze shooting instinctively to the screen and then to Ryan.
“Everything’s fine, Doctor,” Delia stood next to the armchair, holding a bag of saline solution. She smiled when Valerie looked at her, still a little bewildered by the abrupt awakening. “I only wanted to inform you that your shift’s over. You can go home and rest.”
Yeah, right. As if she could go home and forget that Ryan was fighting for his life in a hospital bed.
“I’m fine. I can stay,” Valerie said, rubbing the remnants of sleep off her face. She was dying for a shower and a good sleep, but she wouldn’t leave Ryan. She’d been on longer shifts with no sleep, and she’d survived. She could do this.
“Doctor Fogarty, you’re on the afternoon shift today. You should get some rest. It’s been a tough night.” The sympathetic inflection in Delia’s tone made Valerie realize that nobody expected her to act like Wonder Woman. Lots of her colleagues, especially those who worked closest to her, knew how much Ryan meant to her and it didn’t take a rocket scientist to understand how hard last night had been for her. Nobody would think less of her if she took a little rest. She couldn’t risk messing up during her next shift because she was too tired.
“I’ll get a couple of hours sleep in the staff room. There’s no need for me to go home.”
Valerie stretched and couldn’t stifle the yawn that escaped her lips. Delia smiled and rounded her to change the IV bag.
“Delia, this is my patient. Any decisions, therapies, or medications should be discussed with me first, even if I’m not on shift, okay?”
A Love Melody Page 13