Pulp - Adventure.20.01.18.Ike Harpers Historical Holiday - W. C. Tuttle (pdf)

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by Monte Herridge


  “Yes,” says I. “It’s all right with me,

  “I do, Mike, but I promised not to tell.”

  for Sad. If you must you must, but why has

  “I ain’t asking, Ike. Any man has a

  you got to be unnatural thataway?”

  right to his opinions. Magpie’s bull-headed

  “Ike,” Sad chaws his chin-strap and

  and so is Hassayampa. I ain’t saying that they

  becomes melancholy, “Ike, who started the

  ain’t got a right to their opinions, Ike. So long Fourth of July?”

  as Magpie orates that Piperock is going to do

  I dropped my feet off the table and

  the originator proud, and Curlew aims to do

  yanked out my gun. Sad lit on his feet and

  the same, ain’t it O. K. and proper that

  backed toward the door with his hands up.

  Paradise should hold up their ideals and

  “Sad Samuels, did you come here to

  aims?”

  start something?” I asks.

  “What do you wish me to do, Mike?”

  “Honest to Gawd, Ike, I never did!

  “Me and Judge Steele ain’t friends by

  Hassayampa orates that General Custer did,

  about six years, Ike. There ain’t another one in sabe?”

  the county and I’m asking you as a friend if

  “In such a case I’m ashamed of you will try and borrow the judge’s stovepipe Hassayampa,” says I. “Just because the Injuns

  hat for me? See your way clear?”

  didn’t like Custer it ain’t giving you and

  I looks at Mike’s head, which takes a

  Hassayampa no right to try and turn the whites

  number eight, and then I thinks of about six

  against him too.”

  and seven-eighths for the judge. Every body is

  “Don’t blame me, Ike,” wails Sad. entitled to their own fancies, so Mike sits there

  “We can’t all be educated. According to the

  while I gets the hat for him.

  opinions I’ve heard lately there’s a lot of

  “Ask you if you was going to wear it,

  difference in histories. Ain’t you got no Ike?” he asks, tickled over it.

  opinions on the matter?”

  “Nope! Never asked a question,” I

  “There’s just one thing I do know,

  replies, which was true, ’cause the judge

  Sad,” says I, “and that is this: The next wasn’t in his office.

  hombre what asks me that question is going to Magpie comes home happy that night.

  get knocked so far into the Dark Ages that

  He poured beans in his coffee and put sugar in

  he’ll be able to get his information first hand.”

  his soup. I don’t mind, because I’m feeling

  Sad nodded his head and went out. Sad

  loco myself.

  makes me weary with that we’re all-got-to-go-

  “Ike,”

  says

  he,

  puffing on his spoon,

  sometime expression on his face.

  “what did Washington do after he crossed the

  Then cometh Mike Pelly. We Delaware?”

  exchanges the peace sign.

  “Search me! What did he cross it for,

  “Tomorrow is the Fourth,” states Magpie?”

  Mike. “Tomorrow morning.”

  “That’s the —— of it. Reckon I better

  “According to Hood’s Sa’sparilly,” go up to the judge’s office and take another says I.

  look at the picture. He must ’a’ had a reason.”

  “Yeah,” admits Mike, drumming on

  “Yes,” says I. “Maybe there was some

  the table with his fingers. “Seems queer how

  danged fools from Piperock on his side of the

  much ignorance a feller can uncover in this

  river and he wanted to get away while the

  here cow-country, Ike. Any man with brains

  getting was good.”

  knows who started the Fourth.”

  Magpie comes back after I’m in bed. I

  Adventure

  6

  reckon he thought I was asleep. He gets out in

  and asked my pardon. I told him to save his

  the middle of the floor, puts one foot on a

  breath for running and then we went down to

  soap-box, shoves his hand inside his vest like

  Buck’s tent, where we bought a demijohn and

  something itched him and throws back his

  spent the morning welcoming folks to our

  head. He keeps rearing back and feeling inside

  celebration.

  his vest until I gets nervous.

  We welcomed a lot of folks that

  “Mister Simpkins,” says I, “if you’d

  morning. When we ran out of folks we’d

  hang your shirt on an ant-hill they’d all leave.

  welcome each other.

  What’s the idea of the foot-rest?”

  He glares at me and I ducks under the

  LATER on we had trouble making the turns

  blankets. After while I peers out again and

  around the tents, being as we tangles plentiful right then I elects him to the highest office in in the guy-ropes. We emerges out of one

  the loco lodge. He’s got my old blue overcoat

  tangle and are just about to celebrate our

  on with both sides pinned back from the narrow escape, when I sort of reaches out and bottom, like two big lapels, and he’s got my

  picks a man out of the air. That man sure is

  old fedora hat on cross-ways. I peeks out after moving plenty and him and me went into the

  a while and sees him shining his boots with

  dirt. I set up and put on my hat, and along

  stove-polish. I hears him grunt—

  came a hunk of lead and took it right off my

  “I’ll make ’em up and take notice.”

  head.

  “All but you,” says I. “You won’t

  Then I ducks and somebody steps on

  notice much, old trailer, ’cause you’ll be dead.

  my head, the same of which drives my nose

  Somebody will kill you too dead to skin and

  deep into Danceing Prairie. When I gets

  I’ll have to sew up the holes in that coat

  unearthed I finds Old Testament Tilton setting

  before cold weather sets in.”

  there with a pair of black eyes and a foolish

  Then I went to sleep with a six-gun in

  expression on his face. Dirty is walking circles my hand.

  on his hands and knees, like a pup preparing

  Dirty

  Shirt

  shows

  up at our cabin the

  for bed.

  next morning just after Magpie left and sets

  Old Testament feels of his eyes,

  down on the bunk.

  squints at me and says:

  “Happy Fourth of July, Ike,” says he

  “I said to him—‘Judge, we’ll open

  by way of greeting. “We’re going down to the

  with a prayer,’ and he said— ‘We will not.

  celebration?”

  We’ll open with a speech from me. I’ve got a

  “Maybe you, Dirty—not us.”

  whangdoodler of a speech all framed up.’ I

  “Aw, be patriotic, Ike.”

  says to him— ‘Judge, I takes exceptions——-

  “I love my country, Dirty, but she ain’t

  ’”

  going to mean nothing to me after I’m a

  Old Testament hauled out a paper and

  memory.”

  held it in front of me.<
br />
  “The glorious Fourth was invented for

  “Got a prayer all wrote out, Ike.”

  patriotic folks, Ike,” says he. “Foreigners and I picked up my hat and looked her

  shepherds are the only ones exempt. I feel it

  over. I shoved my finger through the bullet-

  my duty to hold argument with you.”

  hole in the crown and looks at Old Testament.

  “I defy anybody to make me go!” I

  “Wonder where the other two went?”

  yelps. “I mean it, too.”

  says he. “He shot three times.”

  Well, when we came in sight of the

  “Who?” asked Dirty.

  scene of conflict Dirty gave me back my gun

  “Ain’t I just got through telling you

  Ike Harper’s Historical Holiday 7

  that I wanted to open with a prayer and the

  We finds the crowd milling around the

  judge wanted to open with a speech?” says he

  front of a big tent. There ain’t no sign of the indignant-like.

  speaker’s stand, so we asks Doughgod Smith

  “Neither one of you held openers, about it.

  Testament,” says I. “Next time anybody starts

  “This is it here,” states Doughgod,

  shooting at you, old-timer, you run away. pointing at the big tent. “The platform is built Sabe? The judge ought to be ashamed for inside the tent or the tent is built over the top shooting at a preacher, Dirty.”

  of the platform. Danged if I know which is

  “Yeah,” agrees Dirty. “Very poor correct!”

  shooting. Missed three times. Awful!”

  “Private speaking, eh?” grunts Dirty.

  We left the old pelican setting there on

  “Good idea!”

  the ground and pretty soon we bumps into

  Just then Magpie mounts a box in front

  Hassayampa. Hassayampa has got a gun in his

  of the tent and raises his hand in the peace

  hand and a tearful countenance. When he sees

  sign.

  us he wipes the tears away with the muzzle of

  “Friends and folks from Paradise and

  his gun and weaves up to us.

  Curlew,” says he, “we meet today to celebrate

  “Goin’ to killum,” says he, quavering-

  in a civilized way the——”

  like. “Sure’s ——!”

  “I takes that first statement to heart,

  “Who’s going to bite the dust?” asks

  Magpie,” interrupts Hassayampa. “I don’t

  Dirty.

  mind being unlisted as a friend but I do object

  “Knocked ’im down faster’n he can

  to being put behind Paradise.”

  get up, and then shoot three times at ’im,”

  “Paradise is my happy home right

  states Hassayampa, wise as a owl. “Ol’ now,” squeaks Scenery Sims. “You snake-Testyment’s frien’ of mine. No brains but

  hunters from the great unwashed had better

  sholid meat. Soon live as die. Tha’s me.”

  not let your hearts enter too much in the

  Hassayampa rocks on his heels.

  festivities. Sabe? ”

  “Goin’ to make speech, eh? Prayer’s

  “You trouble-hunters go crawl in a

  best. Got a idea, folks. Le’s let Old Testyment hole!” yells Magpie.

  make prayer for the judge. Thassa good idea.

  “Free country, ain’t she?” asks

  Kill two birds with one rock.”

  “Telescope” Tolliver of the Cross J. “Ain’t a

  Hassayampa smiles through his tears

  man got a right to talk?”

  and goes hunting for the judge.

  “If that’s the way you feels about it,

  “Well,” says Dirty, “let’s check off

  cut your wolf loose!” yelps Magpie. “I got up

  anybody but the judge, ’cause right now here to open this show, which is supposed to Hassayampa couldn’t hit the supreme bench

  be a heap carefree and joyous, but any time

  of Montana with a shotgun full of bird-shot.”

  you fellers opine to take it serious I reckon

  Just then Magpie comes parading there’s enough mourners to go around.”

  along and I accosts him.

  “Aw, let Magpie open her up,” urges

  “Just about to open up the show, somebody back in the crowd. “If we don’t like gents,” says he. “Go on up to the speaker’s

  it, there’s plenty of daylight left to enable us stand and get a good place. Things are to shoot straight.”

  working out better than I thought they would.

  The crowd seems to see the wisdom of

  Never seen the like.”

  the remark, so Magpie says—

  “Same here,” says I. “Casualties are

  “Friends and folks from Curlew and

  too few—so far.”

  Paradise ——”

  Adventure

  8

  I heard that gun click and so did way to the front of the platform and scowls up Magpie, ’cause he covers the crowd and looks

  at Paradise’s donation. “Where’d my hat come

  us over serious-like.

  from?”

  “Scenery Sims,” says he, “you put that

  Mike scratches his head with the

  gun back in your holster or I’ll heat the handle of the ax and stares down at the judge.

  muzzle and brand you with the double-

  “Come from?” he asks. “You mean

  doughnut! Sabe? I put Paradise in front of went to, don’t you?”

  Curlew the first time.”

  Bung! goes Hassayampa’s gun again.

  Magpie lowers his gun and faces the

  “I wishes to call your attention,”

  crowd.

  explains Hassayampa belligerent-like. “Do I

  “I don’t want no blame for what you’re

  have to kill somebody to get noticed?”

  going to see, folks. There’s a difference of

  Hassayampa’s bullet must have cut the

  opinion as to who is to blame for this glorious rope, ’cause the flaps dropped down and saved

  date, so in order to keep everlasting peace in

  Mike.

  the county we lets each and every

  “That wasn’t the judge,” states Dirty to

  participating city show their patriotism in their Hassayampa.

  own way and according to their own beliefs.

  “Nobody else wears election hats,”

  The sign will tell the tale. Let ’er go!”

  mumbles Hassayampa. “I know that hat.”

  The flaps of the tent swing open. I

  Then Magpie’s head protrudes from

  don’t know how she looks to anybody else but

  between the flaps, and he yelps at me:

  this is as she was viewed by Ike Harper.

  “Ike, you take that codfish from

  There stands Mike Pelly in the middle

  Curlew and stake him to a tree. He’s a trouble-

  of the platform. He’s got on Old Testament’s

  breeder!”

  long black coat which fits him at no place

  “Will he?” yells Hassayampa.

  except around the bottom, being as Old “Nobody but me to protect the ministry from a Testament is built like a lodge-pole and Mike

  bunch of heathen hop-heads, is there? Who’s

  is fashioned after the specifications of a going to take me?”

  hogshead. On his head balances Judge Steele’s

  Hassayampa’s voice wails with rage,

  stovepipe hat; in his hands is an ax, while he

  and you can’t blame me for not
taking him,

  stands all spraddled out over a couple of poles.

  can you? I swore to do my duty, but a man has

  The sign reads:

  got a right to define duty as he sees fit. I

  figured I’d be worth a lot more to posterity if I ABRAHAM LINCOLN ACCORDING TO ignored Hassayampa.

  PARADISE

  HE DONE IT

  I DIDN’T care for the statue of Lincoln. Mike

  looked about as much like Lincoln as a fish-

  Bung!

  pole looks like a bucket of water, and deep

  A six-gun busts right by my ear, and I

  down in my heart I wished that Hassayampa

  sees that tall hat hop off Mike’s head and sail hadn’t held so high. Of course Hassayampa

  back into the tent.

  has to get cocky about it. He yells—

  “Punch a preacher, will you?” whoops

  “You bow-legged, star-wearing, grinny

  Hassayampa. He’s got a reserved space in the

  faced son-of-a-duck, come and get me!”

  back of the crowd, and there he stands,

  “I don’t want you,” says I. “I ain’t

  rocking back and forth on his heels.

  collecting antique eggs today. I’m going to get

  “Hey!” Old Judge Steele worms his

  me a drink.”

  Ike Harper’s Historical Holiday 9

 

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