What had drawn her to him now pushed her away. The sneaking about, the possibility of sex, feeling like an adult. Given that Bob already had a girlfriend, she thought he’d not bother getting in touch. Just two more weeks and the school term would end and it would all be over. No more sneaking about, having to leave school through the gap in the hedge so Bob wouldn’t see her as he came to collect Michaela from the front.
The thrill of rebellion she’d felt after the confrontation with Auntie Becca turned to vague panic in case she told Dad. Edie closed the lounge door and phoned her aunt from the hallway.
‘I’m surprised to hear from you after yesterday,’ Auntie Becca said.
Edie took a deep breath. Auntie Becca’s triumph would be unbearable.
‘I just wanted you to know, I’ve finished with him. I listened to what you said and it’s over.’
‘I’m so glad to hear that,’ Auntie Becca said. Edie held the phone a little away from her ear. ‘He really is far too old and even if he wasn’t, I think you could do better than that. He looks like a tramp.’
‘How do you know what he looks like?’
‘I saw you together.’
‘When?’
‘That doesn’t matter. What matters is you girls. I’m sorry it upset Tess so much, but I really do think of you as my daughters.’
Edie winced but said nothing. Making it seem as if she’d ended it with Bob on Auntie Becca’s advice would soften her and she didn’t want her telling Dad.
She was about to hang up, when Auntie Becca said, ‘There’s nothing else, is there?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Things haven’t gone too far, have they?’
Edie shut her eyes and could feel Bob’s hot breath against her cheek.
‘No,’ she said.
‘Because if they have you’ll need to …’
‘They haven’t.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes.’
A pause at the other end.
‘I’ve only your best interests at heart, Edie.’
‘Yes, you said.’
‘Good. You’re all coming over next Sunday. I’ll see you then.’
It hadn’t been as bad as she’d thought, but bad enough. Better than Dad finding out.
Edie looked up the stairs to see Tess shutting her bedroom door. Had she been listening? If she knew it was over with Bob, maybe Tess would start talking to her again. She wasn’t sure if that was a good thing.
Chapter 61
Tess: July 2018
I stop in front of the house. It looks dead compared to the rest of the street. The care Dad has taken with the shrubs and flowers can’t hide the decay, the cracked driveway and rusted garage door, the smears across the double glazing. I organised a window cleaner for him once; he must have left.
I push the key into the lock, aware of its slow turn and the clunk when it opens. Inside, the smoke is fresh. I follow its trail to the lounge.
Dad’s sitting in his favourite chair, smoking, lightly tapping a cigarette and missing the ashtray on the arm to his right. This repeated ritual has left a trail of tiny burns in the material down the side, like a dark waterfall. I always notice this and it doesn’t bother me, it’s just what Dad does. Today it makes me angry. Angry that he can spend years and years, sitting and tapping and doing nothing. Only today he has done something.
‘I just spoke to Becca,’ he says.
I wait. He doesn’t look up, just taps and misses again.
‘I don’t want to have to tell you, Tess,’ he says.
I sit in the chair opposite him. It’s the same as his but rarely used, so in better condition. He should swap them over. I sink into the cushions. My cigarettes fall from my pocket, but there’s no ashtray next to me and I don’t want to move.
‘Was it Ray?’ I ask.
‘No.’
Dad’s eyelids flutter. He still doesn’t look up.
‘Go back to London, Tess.’
I don’t know how he can sit there so passive, almost lifeless, watching as his family is destroyed by his brother.
‘You choose him over me? Isn’t it bad enough you let him fuck your wife?’
He flinches and still doesn’t speak.
‘Becca knows.’
Dad nods.
‘How? Why didn’t she go to the police? It was Ray, wasn’t it?’
‘Tess, I’m asking you one last time.’
‘I’ll go to the police myself if you won’t.’
Dad shakes his head.
‘You can’t.’
‘Why not?’
He takes a long drag on his cigarette and places it, still smouldering, in the ashtray.
‘Dad?’
He leans forwards so his forearms rest on his thighs, his hands clasped together as if in prayer.
‘You break my heart, Tess.’
‘Tell me.’
He closes his eyes.
‘We all knew it was an accident, a moment of madness, you didn’t mean it.’
‘Mean what?’
‘You went back to Becca’s, told her everything.’
‘What are you saying?’
‘You told Becca you’d just killed Edie.’
The room slips from focus and I see the canal path. I’m running through the bushes, brambles tearing at my skin.
‘No,’ I scream, at Dad or the images, I’m not sure.
My family’s silence, their reluctance to involve the police and it wasn’t for Ray. Dad wouldn’t do this for Ray.
‘I… I can’t have.’
The words peter out and I pull my hands to my face.
‘Becca told me to come over and we made you shower. She washed your clothes and cleaned your shoes. We told the police you’d come back much earlier. Afterwards, you didn’t seem to remember. Blocked it all out somehow. We didn’t want to tell you. I don’t want to be telling you now.’
‘You think… no.’
That day is a blur. I remember leaving school. I saw Edie exiting by the back entrance. Later, I was lying on my bed with damp hair and the smell of strawberry shampoo, Becca sitting next to me. She was crying. It’s the only time I remember seeing her cry. I thought her dog, Pepe, must have died.
‘I loved Edie. She was my sister, my twin.’
‘You didn’t mean to do it. Ray and I went to find her. She was half covered in the bushes and we had to…’ He starts to cry. ‘We had to wrap her in plastic and take her to that place. My baby girl.’
‘It wasn’t me, Dad. I would never hurt her.’
‘I had to take the photograph from her bag; it was the only copy, of us all together and happy. A perfect family. Ray made me give it to him. If I kept it he was worried you or the police would find it.’
That vision I had, of running along the canal-side, it had been so clear, so real. Was it an actual memory?
‘I never wanted to believe it,’ Dad says. ‘But you were so angry with her, Tess.’
‘I loved her.’ I stand up. I look to the door; it’s out of focus. ‘It’s not true.’
‘You were jealous, so jealous. You didn’t want her to have friends or boyfriends. You wanted it to be just the two of you all the time.’
Dad gets up from his chair and comes towards me.
‘Tess, love, sit down. You’re in shock.’
He places his hand on my forearm. I pull away.
‘I didn’t do it,’ I say.
‘Tess.’
I push past him and out of the door.
‘Tess,’ he calls. He comes to the front door. ‘Tess,’ he shouts again but doesn’t follow.
I run from the door to the main road.
I didn’t do it. I know I didn’t do it. I could never have done it, however jealous and angry. She was everything to me and I would never hurt her.
They all think I did it. It makes sense now. Dad’s reluctance to see me, the fear in Valentina’s eyes when I spoke to her, Ray’s warnings to stay away. Could I have done it?
>
I stand at the edge of the road, I’ve no idea where to go. I want to go home. I think of our house on Limewoods. I’ll go there. Edie will open the door. Mum will make me hot chocolate, stroke my hair and tell me everything’s going to be all right.
I need to go home, but I don’t have one.
Chapter 62
Edie: July 1998
Sunday came and, as usual, Edie filed over to Uncle Ray’s with Dad and Tess. Auntie Becca came to the door. Pepe ran from behind her in a half-hearted attack. He was getting old. He jumped up at Edie and barked three times before returning to his basket.
Auntie Becca kissed Dad on the cheek and gave Tess a quick peck. They didn’t speak or make eye contact. Tess wouldn’t be forgiven as quickly as herself, Edie thought. It hurts more when a favourite turns on you. As Edie walked past, Auntie Becca tapped her on the shoulder.
‘All for the best,’ she said and gave a little knowing nod.
Edie ground her teeth.
Uncle Ray was sitting in the lounge with a glass of whisky. He put it down and stood up as they entered.
‘Good to see you, Vince,’ he said.
They shook hands. He gave Tess a quick hug.
‘Hi, Uncle Ray,’ Tess said.
Her voice was quiet. Perhaps she was worried Auntie Becca had told him about the argument.
Uncle Ray hugged Edie, a big squeeze that nearly lifted her off the ground.
‘How’s my favourite girl?’
‘OK, Uncle Ray.’
She could smell the whisky on his breath and wondered how many he’d had.
‘Can I get you one, Vince?’
Uncle Ray lifted the glass and waved it in his brother’s direction.
‘Not for me, Ray.’
‘And you girls?’
‘Really, Ray,’ Auntie Becca said as she came in.
‘They’re not children any more,’ Uncle Ray said.
‘They’re not ready for whisky.’
‘Well a little glass of wine with lunch, it can’t hurt, can it?’
‘I’ll have lemonade, if that’s alright?’ Tess said.
Edie wanted the wine even though she disliked the taste. At the Reckless club she’d seen little smirks when Bob gave her a Smirnoff Ice. Not that he was a factor any more, but she didn’t want to be smirked at, in Reckless or anywhere else.
‘Edie’s been unwell today. Best stick to lemonade,’ Dad said.
‘Are you sick, Edie?’ Auntie Becca asked.
‘It’s nothing. Prawns last night in the Sainsbury’s pasta. I don’t think they agree with me,’ Edie said.
‘That’s settled then. Lemonade,’ Auntie Becca said. ‘I’ll get the greens on.’
Dad ambled towards the patio doors, leading from the lounge to the garden.
‘The back bed’s looking good,’ he said. ‘Give it a couple more years and it will really come into its own.’
‘I’m not sure we’ll be here that long,’ Uncle Ray said. ‘Auntie Becca’s keen on a new place she’s seen, on a quieter road.’
‘Shame,’ Dad said. ‘Come and look at the roses, Tess.’
Tess followed Dad into the garden. Their shared love of plants kept them close. Sometimes Edie felt like the odd one out. She had nothing to say to Dad and Tess was no longer talking to her.
She looked around the room to the turntable.
‘Got anything new?’ she asked.
‘A few things,’ Uncle Ray said.
He wandered over to the stereo, picked up an album, twisted it in his hands then put it back in the stack.
‘Actually, Edie, I’ve been meaning to talk to you.’ He sounded serious, which was unlike Uncle Ray. ‘I was chatting to Freddie.’
‘Who’s Freddie?’
‘The guy who owns Irregular Records. He’s an old friend, we go right back to the Wigan Casino days.’
‘Right,’ Edie said.
‘The thing is …’ he picked the same album up and scanned the back cover. He put it down again. ‘The thing is, he saw you at Reckless with a guy he knows from the shop.’
Is that how Auntie Becca found out? It didn’t explain how she knew what he looked like.
‘Freddie asked if you were really my niece and if so to warn you off. Said this guy’s bad news, always hanging round with different girls. And Edie, you’re only fourteen. I know I joked about you not being children but you’re not a woman, either. You don’t want to be mixing with men like that. I don’t know this Rob guy—’
‘Bob,’ Edie said.
‘Whatever his name is, I know the sort. Becca said you finished with him. Please don’t be lying to us. He’s not going to make a good boyfriend if he’s that type of guy.’
That type of guy. The same words used by Bob. It takes one to know one.
‘Edie,’ Uncle Ray said. ‘Are you listening?’
She didn’t reply, she was thinking about what Bob had said about Uncle Ray.
‘Edie?’
She looked up.
‘Did you love Mum, Uncle Ray?’
‘What a question. Of course I did, everyone did.’
‘That’s not what I mean. You know what I mean.’
‘What’s got into you, Edie?’
‘You said it, we’re not kids any more.’
Uncle Ray looked towards the door then went to push it shut.
‘I saw you in the park with Valentina. A few weeks later Mum’s killed and you all lie to us about what happened.’
Uncle Ray rubbed his forehead.
‘We wanted to spare you and Tess the pain of knowing.’
‘That you were the reason she killed herself?’
‘We don’t know it wasn’t an accident.’
‘You loved her though, didn’t you?’
‘Once,’ he said. ‘A long time ago.’
‘And she loved you?’
Uncle Ray shrugged.
‘Are you our father, Uncle Ray?’
His face fell into a blank stare of shock before he curled his mouth into an anxious smile.
‘No, Edie, no I’m not. But I love you both as much as any father. And Christ, I miss Gina. But that was another lifetime.’
‘I miss her, too,’ Edie said.
Her eyes felt hot and sore and she realised she was going to cry. She hadn’t cried for years. Not since she was a little girl living on the Limewoods Estate. Her breathing faltered and tears began to roll down her face.
Uncle Ray stepped forwards and hugged her. She clasped her hands round his waist and hugged back as hard as she could, her head resting on his chest. He stroked her hair. They stayed in the embrace, Uncle Ray stroking her hair, neither noticed Auntie Becca coming in.
‘What’s the matter?’ she said.
‘Nothing.’ Uncle Ray loosened his grip. ‘Edie’s just a bit upset.’
‘About that boy? She’ll get over it. Will you come and lay the table, Ray?’
‘Sure.’
Edie’s arms were still wrapped round his waist. She held on tight and didn’t want to let go. She felt safe with Uncle Ray, she wished he were their dad, that he and Mum had stayed together.
Uncle Ray prised her hands apart.
‘We’ll talk later,’ he said.
Edie nodded. She turned away from Auntie Becca because she didn’t want her to see the tears.
‘You’re too young to go pining away over someone who’s not worth it. And he’s so much older,’ Auntie Becca said. ‘Find some nice lad your own age.’
Edie didn’t reply.
Auntie Becca stepped closer.
‘Have you been sick before, Edie? Recently, I mean.’
‘No, why?’
‘Well if it happens again, let me know and we’ll go to the doctors.’
‘It was just the prawns, Auntie Becca.’
‘Good. Call Vince and Tess in from the garden, will you? Dinner’s nearly ready.’
No one had much conversation at lunch, except for Uncle Ray, who drank more than he ate, taking his whi
sky to the table and finishing most of the wine.
Edie had little appetite for the tough beef and soggy greens. She picked at a roast potato.
‘Not hungry today, Edie?’ Auntie Becca said.
Edie looked down at her plate. It was nearly full. She stabbed at a carrot.
‘I’m OK,’ she said.
‘You’re not looking well, Edie.’
‘She looks fine, Becs,’ Uncle Ray said. ‘Looking more like Gina each day.’
Dad flinched at her name but gave no other reaction. He never talked about Mum. Uncle Ray knew that, he should keep his mouth shut.
‘In a few years, you’ll be the same age as when we first met her,’ Uncle Ray continued. ‘Do you remember that, Vince, the first time we saw her?’
Dad didn’t look up. Tess stopped eating, her eyes flitting between Uncle Ray and Dad.
‘Uncle Ray…’ Edie said.
He picked up on her warning tone.
‘Ah yes,’ he said, took a mouthful of beef and swilled it down with more wine.
Tess waited a moment to make sure he had finished before returning to her food. Edie made a show of piling peas onto her fork. Her neck felt hot, Uncle Ray talking about Mum had disquieted all of them. Edie was aware that whereas Tess was looking at Dad and Uncle Ray, and Dad was staring at his plate, throughout, Auntie Becca had not looked at them once. The whole time her eyes had been fixed on Edie. Her gaze hard, unflinching and unreadable.
Chapter 63
Tess: July 2018
I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing. I’ve nothing with me except my purse and phone. But I’ve no one to call. Who can I ask for help when I deserve none?
I see the mix of disdain and fear in Valentina Vickers’ eyes, because she knows, knows I am a killer, that I murdered my own sister.
I keep running. My breath becomes rapid and shallow, my dizziness returns. I slump on a wall by the side of the road. I want to run away but I have nowhere to go.
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