by Sandy Smith
Chapter Eighteen
The next week was a whirlwind of flights and meetings and talking to the British embassy in Hong Kong and dealing with insurance. Nick’s father had been in Hong Kong, setting up new import contracts. I tried to help with a few of the things Nick didn’t have to deal with, such as packing his father’s belongings into his suitcase and taking phone messages, but most things needed Nick or his mum. So many details I hadn’t even considered. It wasn’t the ideal way to meet Nick’s mother. She seems quite annoyed that I was there but had wisely chosen not to make an issue of it. Each night, despite how distant he was during the day, Nick curled up next to me in bed and clung to me.
Eventually, more than a week later, we were able to take his father’s body back to England and hold his funeral. Watching him be the person everyone described him as before we met was so fucking hard. Detached, extremely focused, but cold.
The day of the funeral was sunny and cool. We were staying in a hotel not too far from Nick’s parents' house, and by the time I woke up, he was already dressed. I walked over to him, but before I could lean forward to embrace him, he stood and took his water glass to the sink. “I have to get to the funeral home early. I’ve arranged for a car to come and pick you up at eleven.”
“You should’ve woken me up. I can be ready in ten minutes. Just give me a sec.”
I turned to rush back into the bedroom, but Nick stopped me. “No, Ky, there’s no need. Stay here. I will see you there.” Before I could even try to argue with him, he was gone.
The funeral was formal, and the wake at his parents' place was cold. Through several eulogies and the endless people who came up to Nick since we had been at the house, every single one of them talked about Mr. Hennington’s business. Not a single person said anything about him as a friend or as a person. As we moved around so Nick could escape group after group, I glanced around the house. It was stifling, and not simply with the sombre mood for the occasion. It was like there was no evidence of actual people living there. Certainly no evidence they had a son. Group after group, Nick listened to strangers rattle on about his father's business. Then he thanked them for coming. He rarely introduced me, and I wondered who they thought I was. But then I realised they probably hadn’t even noticed me standing there at all.
A week later, I was back in Sydney, tired, jet-lagged, unsure, and alone.
Nick was over 7000 kilometres away in Hong Kong.
When I landed in Sydney, I had a text from Nick to say he had arrived, and he would call in the next day or two once he settled in and had gotten a local SIM card.
It was almost a week before I heard from him. He was tired. I was so damn happy just to hear his voice. “Hey. How was work?”
“Good. How are you?”
“Busy. The contracts should be straightforward. Hong Kong’s tax system is very simple. Dad wasn’t dumb. It’s just a lot of unfinished things. Still trying to work out where he was at with each thing.”
“Try to get some rest. Please don’t wear yourself out.”
“I’m fine.”
Then, there were only texts.
Me: Hey.
Nick: Hey. How was the training this week?
Me: Okay. Kicked Grayson’s arse. That’s all that matters. Ian still kicked mine.
Nick: I need to get into this meeting. Talk soon.
Me: How are you?
Nick: Fine. How are you?
Me: I’m fine.
Me: Hey Nick. Call me when you get back to your hotel. I miss you.
Me: Hey Nick, I missed you last night. Hope you’re ok.
Even when he did reply, it wasn’t exactly filling me with warmth.
Nick: Sorry, didn’t get back until late. I’m fine. Hope you are well.
Me: I’m fine. Give me a call tonight.
Me: I’m home. Call whenever you get time.
Me: Nick, I tried calling your hotel. They said you checked out several days ago. Are you okay?
Nick: Hi. I changed hotels. Across in Kowloon now. I will call you tomorrow.
Me: So where are you staying now?
Me: Hey Nick. Please call me. I’m getting worried about you.
Nick: I’m fine. Just busy.
Me to Eric: Hi, it’s Ky. Have you spoken to Nick recently? I’m worried about him.
Eric: Hey Lube Boy! Miss seeing your scary face around. Nicholas texted a few times. He’s fine. That’s about as much as you’ll ever get from him in a text.
Me: It’s not like him. He won’t talk to me.
Eric: I’m sure he is fine. Communication has never been his strong point.
Me: I just want to try to help.
Eric: Try sending him a dick pic. That would cheer me up ;)
K: Thanks. You’re very helpful.
Eric: IKR!
Me to Nick: Hey.
Me: Hey.
Me: Nick, I need you to call me. Or answer my calls. Or something okay? Please.
Nick: Sorry. Just busy. I’m fine.
Me: Well, I’m not.
My phone beeped almost immediately with an incoming Facetime call. Nick. I fumbled the phone before answering. “Nick?”
I had never been so happy to see someone’s face in my life. Someone’s tired, worried face. “Babe, what wrong? What’s happened?”
“Nothing happened. I just miss you. You aren’t answering my texts. I’m worried about you.”
His face relaxed, the fatigue still evident. “I thought something had happened.”
“Nick, how are you really? And I swear to God, if you say you are fine, I am going to be so fucking pissed at you.”
He looked away, then back at the camera, before looking away again.
“Nick, please talk to me.”
When he finally spoke, it was barely a whisper, and I had to strain to hear each word. “I miss you. I miss being the person I am when I’m with you. I don’t know if I’m just tired. Everything feels heavier without you here.”
“Baby,” I whispered. The pain and exhaustion in his voice gutted me.
“I’m sorry. I know I’m a shitty boyfriend. You deserve better. I just… it’s hard. I don’t know how to do this. This long-distance thing. I don’t know if…” He sighed but didn’t continue.
“You don’t know if what? Are you breaking up with me? Because I need you to be clear. I don’t know what you’re saying. I need…”
“No! God, no, baby. No, I… I’m just not sure how to do this. This isn’t fair to you. Look, I am going to be busy here for a little while. Maybe a month or two. Maybe more. I don’t know. I think that you sitting around waiting for me is ridiculous. If you want to see other pe...”
I hung up, pressing the button as quickly as I could. Maybe that wasn’t the right reaction. I could have interrupted. I could have said something. But it was the quickest way to make sure I didn’t hear what he was about to say.
Did he want to see other people? I knew he said he was busy, but he wasn’t working twenty-four hours a day. And he hooked up with a lot of guys before me. So maybe he needed that outlet while he was all the way over there.
Maybe I was being selfish. I had my friends and family here. He’s all alone there, dealing with his dad's business, working, by himself. God, I really was selfish sometimes. This wasn’t him cheating on me. I couldn’t really expect him to sit alone for months while I had Mum and Tim and Alex and my friends when I could fit them in.
God, he was trying to talk to me about what he needed, and I just shut him down. Damn it.
I called him back on Facetime. He didn’t answer at first, but when I tried again, he picked up. “Ky, baby, I...”
“No, stop,'' I interrupted. “I’m sorry about before. I overreacted. I get it. If that’s what you need. then I’ll be fine with it.”
“Me? No, I was talking about you. But… I … I meant if that’s something you needed, I don’t expect you to wait for me. This isn’t what you chose, so I get if we need to change things.”
I
sighed and scratched my head. “Nick, please stop. Look, if you need to… if you need this to be an open relationship, then I will deal with that. I’m not losing you unless you say we are done. Okay?”
He chuckled. “That’s not what I want. And, babe, you couldn’t even say the words open relationship without sneering. I’m sorry. I really suck.”
“You do, and I miss you doing it.” I needed to lighten the conversation a little.
We just watched each other for a moment. I studied his eyes, still that brilliant blue I noticed the first day I saw him, but with dark shadows under them. His skin was still beautiful, his lips still soft and inviting, but he looked tired. Even when he worked long hours at home, he never looked this tired.
“I miss you so fucking much, Ky.”
“I miss you too.”
He took a deep breath, and then, finally, he talked to me. “I’m sorry I was such a complete tosser when we were in London. I… I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to act. He was my dad, so… I guess I’m sorry he’s gone, but we weren't... like you with Rhiannon and Tim. We weren’t close. I did love him, but… I guess I thought I should be more upset than I was, and then I was upset that I wasn’t more upset, and then I was mad at him because he wasn’t like Tim, but then I was mad at myself for being mad at him when he’s dead…. I just… I don’t know.”
“Baby, I’m sorry. There is no right or wrong way for you to feel, all right? Just let me help you. I wish I could do more, but I can at least listen when you want to vent. I know that things weren’t exactly… you know… umm… I mean, given how things were before you got the call about your Dad… are we… okay?”
His eyes widened. “Yes, of course, baby, of course we are. We are fine. No! Sorry, I didn’t mean fine-fine. I meant we really are fine. I mean good. Bollocks.”
I laughed. Usually, he was the most calm and eloquent person in the word, but I kind of liked that he got flustered with me. I liked affecting him. But I still didn’t want him to be upset.
“Nick, I know what you meant. It’s okay. Do you want me to come over there? I know that you’re working a lot, but even if it just means I can be there for you when you go to bed...”
He smiled a little. “As much as I love sleeping next to you, no, it doesn’t make sense. You’re busy at work, and I really am busy. I would worry more that I was neglecting you if you were here. I promise to talk to you more. I thought if I focused on work, it would make it easier. But I was so wrong. The wrongest.”
I chuckled before he continued.
“Seeing your face has helped. I think talking to you will make it easier, not harder. Enough about me—how are you doing? Have… have you spoken to Tim?”
“Yeah. We talked a fair bit the first week I was back. I think we’re good. I thought my world was ending when he found out. I should’ve known better. I did know better. I was just scared. But he… we’re good. He agreed there was no point in telling Mum, but he said he wouldn’t directly lie to her if the topic ever came up.”
We spent the next two hours talking about my work and a couple of funny things that happened, and he told me about some of the details of how the import/export company worked in Hong Kong, as a base for trade in and out of China. A lot of it was over my head, but having him talk was worth every single second of lost sleep. Eventually, when he was yawning too much to get through a sentence, I told him to go to sleep. We both promised to do better about calling and texting. I knew we couldn’t speak every day—it simply wasn’t realistic—but we tried to text most days and either Facetime or call at least once or twice a week.
I knew the hours I was working before I met Nick weren’t healthy, and as tempting as it was to return to that schedule, I knew it wasn’t the right way to deal with missing him. So I made an effort to get to touch football and to meet up with some of the guys at Riley’s.
I missed seeing Alex, but hopefully he would be home any day now. I had almost forgotten how good spending a few hours unwinding with the guys felt, and even Eddie, Eric’s older brother, turned up a couple of times.
I managed to leave work at a reasonable hour on Monday and grab the Thai takeaway I had promised Ant before heading to his apartment. As we served our food into bowls and grabbed a couple of glasses of water, Ant and I talked about work. We curled up at opposite ends of the lounge, facing each other. “How’s Platform and Subway?”
“Good. The website has quite a few new members. It’s financially going well, even if I have just lost two of my best members.”
“Huh?”
“Nicholas and Sean. I haven’t seen Nicholas there in quite a while, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he cancels his membership at some point, and Sean is MIA as well. I heard he’s dating some rich banker type but the guy isn’t a member so I haven’t seen him.”
“I’m not speaking for Nick, but Sean isn’t really the commitment type so he will probably be back soon enough.”
“I know it’s not really your thing, but we have a few events at Subway that I think you and Nicholas would like. Even if it’s only the fundraisers.”
“Maybe,” I conceded. “I’m not trying to stop him going if it’s something he wants.”
Ant smiled. “I know, I know. Think about it. I’ll send you the details when we have events, and if it’s something you are comfortable with, then hopefully I’ll see you there.” We ate in silence for a minute or two before he continued. “So how are things with you and Nicholas?”
“Good.”
Ant let my brush-off answer hang there, watching me eat. “So…” he prompted.
I sighed softly. “Can I ask you something?” He gave me the time to collect my thoughts. I didn’t know how to put them together or how to make them make sense. “He’s going to get sick of me.” I knew that wasn’t enough but struggled with the words.
Ant was even more confused than me. “Why? Did something happen?”
I leaned forward to put my half-eaten food on the coffee table and wiped my hands on my jeans.
“I know he needs more… just more. I mean, I’m not an idiot.” I shook my head before he could interrupt. “He has never done anything to make me feel like that. It’s just something I’m aware of. But I guess I realised how much I overreact to things, and he’s always jumping in to reassure me. Which is great and all, but… the novelty has to wear off eventually, right? You know how I reacted to Tim finding out.”
As soon as I got back from London, I called Ant and told him about Tim. I had asked about him recognising Tim, and he had tried to avoid the question but eventually admitted he had been worried I was moving in with some creep. So, the week before we moved in, he had gone to see who my mum was with. When he saw Tim, he was relieved, but it also meant he couldn’t come near my house.
I ran my hands over my head and risked a glance up at Ant. He was studying me but hadn’t spoken. “He said he isn’t bothered by my past, the things I did, but how can he not be? Why the hell would someone like him want to be with someone like me? I know, I know, I’m being ridiculous, but I guess I just…”
Ant leaned forward slowly and picked up both bowls, walking to the kitchen without saying a word.
I hated all this fucking self-doubt and bullshit. It felt like there was so much more at risk now. I had never given anyone else the power to judge me for my past, mainly because I had never wanted to build something requiring honesty with anyone else. But the flip side was I had never cared about what anyone else thought of me, other than Mum and Tim.
I knew I needed to trust Nick and our relationship, and I did, but he was the only person who had ever had the power to break me, and it was terrifying. I knew who I was would drive him away, and I was still just fucking waiting for it. Even after the worst actually happened and he was still here, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. And that wasn’t fair on Nick. I hated it.
As Ant scraped the bowls and then rinsed them, he got progressively louder until he threw the cutlery into the sink. He paced a few
laps of the kitchen before he turned back towards me. He didn’t look angry, exactly. Disappointed, maybe. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
“So what you’re saying is that because of what I did as a teenager, I still, ten fucking years later, don’t deserve to be trusted. I am not good enough for anyone to love?”
“What?” I was horrified. “No, Jesus, Ant!”
He glared at me with one eyebrow raised. “Well, make up your fucking mind, Ky. I get you are trying to work through some shit, so I am trying not to be a dick here, but seriously, man. You worked for how long? Months. I’m not trying to say what you went through didn’t suck or wouldn’t have left scars. I’m not trying to turn this into a competition, but Jesus, the things I did back then don’t define me, and they sure as fuck don’t define you! Even you don’t know some of the things I let those men do to me for a few dollars. And I did it for years. But you know what? Fuck you for thinking that makes me less than anyone else.”
He didn’t look away from me, just held my gaze.
Well, shit.
“Ant,” I pleaded.
“Look Ky, I get you were trying to talk to me but how you feel, and I turned it into being about me. You are allowed to feel how you feel, and it’s not invalid just because you are a fucking moron that has it all arse-up.” He managed a small smirk to soften the insult.
“Jesus, Ant, you are one of the strongest, most amazing men I have ever met. I am in awe of how strong you are after all the shit you went through. You deserve to be loved more than anyone.”
“And you don’t?” He sat back down and nodded to the lounge, telling me to do the same. I sat and took a moment, letting what he said sink in.