by Dirk Hunter
I had sort of hoped I might avoid being in any kind of close quarters with both Adam and Kai, but apparently that was out of the question. As if I needed more proof that God had a sense of humor. A sense of humor apparently influenced by too many sitcoms and practical jokes.
Adam smiled when he saw me look his way, which only made things worse. It made me realize that I too was happy to see him, which set off another round of confusion fireworks. Especially when I compared it to the awkward feeling I still felt around Kai in public.
Adam sat down at our table. For a second I thought Kai’s eyes were going to pop out of their sockets. He cleared his throat loudly, but if Adam noticed, he gave no sign. “Hey,” Adam said to me, continuing to ignore the strange looks my friends were giving him. “I was thinking, maybe —”
“Why are you sitting here,” Kai burst in belligerently. “The jock table is over there. You know, the one with all the other idiots.”
Adam gave him a slow, sidelong look. It wasn’t hostile or threatening, just a look. Nonetheless Kai shifted his shoulders, uncomfortable with the scrutiny. “Malachi,” Adam said, as though musing. “Didn’t you shit your pants on a field trip in the fifth grade?”
Mel shrieked with laughter. “I remember that!” It had been shortly after she moved here. Kai had been trying to lift large rocks at the state park in some pathetic attempt to impress her.
Kai’s face had turned some kind of purple. “What’s your point?”
“Oh, nothing.” Adam said casually, in between bites of his burger.
“Just that maybe you should be nicer to people, especially when they still have certain pictures lying around their house.”
“There are pictures of that? Oh my God, you have to bring them!”
And just like that, Adam had won Mel over. She and Adam began going back and forth, doing their best to imitate the look on Kai’s face that day.
Even Kai eventually gave in, did an impression of his ten-year-old self, which caused Mel to dissolve into a fit of helpless laughter at how perfectly he was able to recapture the exact expression, a mix of shock, embarrassment, and the fervent hope that he would wake up from the nightmare his life had suddenly become. All in all, it was fun having Adam around. I started to feel the tension drain from my shoulders. Maybe this wouldn’t be a disaster.
Adam looked over at me and smiled his most dazzling smile, dimples and all. Under the table, he reached out and grabbed my hand, twining our fingers where no one could see. My heart caught in my throat at the unexpected gesture of affection. I must have had some kind of look on my face, ’cause Adam’s smile grew wider, and he winked at me.
I could get used to this.
AFTER LUNCH, I brought my tray over to the garbage cans to dump my trash. Adam had left a while back to meet up with his friends, and Mel and Kai were still reminiscing about the various embarrassing things we had all done in elementary school. It turned out Mel had quite a trove of stories from her old school too. Though really, they could all be made up, not like we knew the kids she mentioned to check if the stories were true. Hilarious nonetheless.
“Dude, what were you doing sitting at that queer’s table today? You switching teams on us?” The voice was Will Davis, one of Adam’s most obnoxious friends. It came from around the corner, right outside of the lunchroom in the hall.
It was Adam who responded. “Fuck no! You know I hate that faggot.”
“That’s not what it looked like to us. Looked like you were having a great time with your new boyfriend and his troupe of drama outcasts….”
As quietly as possible, so they wouldn’t notice me, I cleaned off my tray, put it in the bin with the others, and made my way back to my table. I didn’t want to hear Will spew his vitriolic bullshit anymore, and I especially didn’t want to hear how Adam was going to respond to it. I wasn’t mad, honest! It’s kind of what I had expected. His friends were assholes, he had always cultivated that faux macho façade, and he was obviously so deep in the closet he’d gotten on a first name basis with the mothballs and forgotten shoes. Besides, by all accounts, it seemed as though he really liked me, and I know firsthand how difficult it can be to come to terms with your sexuality. Even with the supportive friends and family I had, which Adam clearly lacked. So no, not mad.
But, I don’t know… I guess there had been some kind of hope. Of what? I wasn’t sure exactly. I tried not to let myself feel disappointed, and especially not sad. And I was almost successful, until it was Kai who was smiling, calling to me from across the lunchroom, and I was faced anew with my dilemma — straight guy who is comfortable with liking me, and a gay one who isn’t.
I WAS pacing nervously as Kai shut the door to my bedroom. I heard the door click as he locked it, but it didn’t register. I was too caught up in my thoughts.
“Listen,” I said, finally getting up the courage to begin. “Something pretty big happened, and I kinda need to talk to you —”
Kai cut me off. “Something big is about to happen.” With a mischievous grin, he pushed me back onto the bed and got on his knees in front of me. “I’ve been practicing on a Fudgsicle,” he said with a wink.
“No, I’m serious. There’s something I need to work out and….” Kai had gotten my pants unbuttoned and pulled them down to my ankles.
“Wait, you what?” And just like that, Kai swallowed my dick.
I was about to stop him. But when I opened my mouth with every intention of telling him to stop, Adam’s voice flashed through my mind.
You know I hate that faggot. There was even a bit of an echo, as though my subconscious were trying for dramatic effect. And my protests died unspoken. Why was I supposed to care about that asshole again? In that moment, I couldn’t remember a single reason.
In my defense, I wasn’t thinking too clearly because — and I feel this bears repeating — Kai was sucking my dick. Kai was sucking my dick!
So, the only words I managed were moaned. “Fuck yeah.”
My cock came out of Kai’s mouth with an audible pop. “Mmmm,” he said. “Penisy. Strangely not terrible.” He licked my shaft from base to tip. “Kind of prefer the Fudgsicle, though.” He laughed and took me back in his mouth.
It was really happening. With Adam completely out of my mind, I marveled in the moment. Kai was sucking my dick. In all our sexual encounters to date, it was mostly with me on the giving and him on the receiving end, and it never seemed to mean as much to him as it did to me.
I’d suck his dick, and he’d give me a halfhearted hand job. I’d get hard simply by looking at him while he tended to giggle at the sight of me.
Even when I fucked him, he had been passive and somehow left me feeling as emotionally necessary as a dildo.
But now he was sucking my dick. This wasn’t a hand job between buddies; this was something more. And if Kai wanted something more from me, to be more than just friends….
Movement from the corner of my eye caught my attention. I turned my head, saw someone standing outside the window. It was Adam. He was staring at me, at my hard dick, at Kai. His face was rage. No, his face was pain. No, his face was gone.
I stared at the empty window, a conflicting tumult of emotions raging inside of me. “What’s wrong? Am I that bad?” Kai was looking up at me with a sardonic grin, lazily stroking my cock with his hand.
Suddenly, the full import of everything that had happened hit me. Of what exactly we had been doing. There was something I had to know.
“Stand up.” Kai’s eyebrows furrowed at the emotion in my voice, but he did what I said. “Take off your clothes.”
“Oooo, feisty, are we?” He pulled his shirt over his head and dropped his pants with an excited quickness. His cock was soft, I couldn’t help but notice; I always got hard from giving him a blow job.
“Shut up,” I said. I grabbed him, thrust our bodies together, and kissed him hard.
I was panting when I eventually pulled away. Kai had his signature dopey grin on his face. “What did yo
u feel?” I asked him.
“A lot of tongue,” Kai quipped.
“Fuck.”
Kai’s eyebrows furrowed. “What? Not funny?”
“I felt fire, burning in my gut and spreading outward. I felt electricity on every inch of my skin that touched yours. I felt….” Things I had felt with Adam, only he had felt them as well. And now that was ruined too.
I realized I had been yelling. I brought my voice back under control.
“I’m falling in love with you, and you will never reciprocate.” I grabbed his clothes from off the floor and threw them at him. “You need to go. Now. And we can’t hang out for a while.”
“But I….” I could see him struggling to be understanding. “Okay,” he said finally. He put on his clothes and opened my door. He paused outside in the hall. “Earlier, you said there was something you needed to talk to me about…?”
I couldn’t have kept the bite out of my voice if I had tried. And I didn’t try. “It’s a little late now to start caring about my feelings, don’t you think?” I slammed the door in his face, but not before I saw the look of hurt painted there.
For what seemed a very long while, I leaned against the door, listening to Kai in the hall beyond, just standing there. I was waiting, though I had no idea for what. I wasn’t dumb enough to expect him to bang on the door, protesting his love, and take me in his arms to my bed.
Or maybe I really was that stupid. Eventually I heard Kai’s steps retreating down the hall and the sound of the front door slamming.
I slid down the door until I was sitting on the floor. I wondered distantly if I should be crying. Instead, I stared out my window, thinking not of the pain I was in, but rather the pain I had caused.
CHAPTER NINE
SCHOOL BECAME an exercise in misery after that. Of course there would be no explaining anything to Mel. Kai was still my best friend. I needed space to sort my feelings out, and I wasn’t about to go sharing secrets that weren’t entirely mine. Luckily, in first period math, I showed up late enough that the only available desk was on the opposite side of the room from Mel and Kai. Unfortunately, there was no such luck in biology. The second I stepped in the door, Kai looked at me expectantly and Mel waved. She had no reason yet to suspect anything was amiss. Well, she would in about two seconds.
The only other table with open seats was one populated almost exclusively by cheerleaders. I stepped up to them and asked if I could sit there, ignoring the sight of Mel across the room, eyebrows climbing straight off her forehead.
It was Charlotte who responded. “Sure!” she said with her usual unrestrained enthusiasm and cheerfulness. Charlotte was the undeniable queen of the cheer squad, and James P. Hogan’s girlfriend to boot. Which I always wanted to hate her for, but I couldn’t ’cause she was just as nice as James P. Hogan himself, and they were obviously all perfect and meant to be and shit. Unfortunately.
So I sat down, trying not to look as hopelessly out of place as I felt.
From the corner of my eye, I saw Mel glaring at Kai, her mouth moving rapidly — an obvious interrogation. Kai looked sullen. I felt a pang of regret but angrily pushed it aside. It was his fault all this was happening.
He started it, not me, and didn’t even pause to think how it might affect me. Affect us.
With a start I realized that the cheer diva sitting next to me was staring, eyes narrowed.
“You’re a gay, right?” Her name was Tiffany, I was pretty sure.
I had no idea how to respond. Most of the rest of the girls had dropped their conversations to scrutinize me as well. I looked to Charlotte for help, but she was jotting something down in her notebook, apparently oblivious to my plight.
“Um, yes?”
“Oh. My. God,” she squealed, along with the rest of my impromptu audience. “It’s a dream come true! Quick, tell Amanda what a skank she looks in that top.”
The particularly busty blond across the table scoffed in indignation.
“Oh, bitch, you did not just say that!”
“Who do you think is the hottest guy in school?” another girl asked.
“Um….” I wasn’t about to tell the truth. Charlotte was paying attention now, drawn in by the squealing chorus. Luckily I was saved from answering when Tiffany made a fashion magazine materialize seemingly out of nowhere and began asking my opinion on practically every shoe in there. And no small amount of dresses either.
AS SOON as the bell rang, announcing the end of class, I rushed out of the room. That was another advantage to sitting at the cheerleaders’ table: it was right next to the door. I could get out before Mel or Kai had the chance to catch up with me.
“Hey, Dylan, wait up.”
I flinched. There went my hasty exit. But at least it wasn’t Mel’s voice. Instead it was Charlotte, which was a huge surprise. I hadn’t realized she even knew my name.
“Sorry about Tiffany and all them,” she said, falling in beside me.
“Their hearts are in the right place, I promise. They have always wanted a GBFF.” She saw the look on my face and clarified. “A gay best friend forever.”
“Yeah, I figured. I just had no idea there was a demand.”
“Well, you are the only gay guy at school.” She gave me a knowing, sidelong look. “At least, the only one who has come out.”
That was exactly the kind of thing I did not want to be talking about right now. So I changed the subject back to this whole “GBFF” thing.
“Well, they’ll probably just end up being disappointed. Don’t know how well I’ll meet their expectations. I guess I could talk about boys with the best of them, but I doubt I’ll do that well in the fashion department.”
“I don’t know. You gave some pretty good advice back there. You’ve got good instincts.”
“Oh goodie,” I said sarcastically. “I guess I really am gay, after all.” Charlotte laughed. “Gays and girls. We’re only as good as the clothes we wear. Sure feels that way sometimes, doesn’t it?”
“Not to mention all the pressure to act a certain way.”
“Yeah, but that’s everybody, just with different expectations, different standards of normal. Hey, you have English next, right? With James?”
I was taken aback. “How did you know?”
“Oh, James talks about you all the time. Says you’re the funniest kid he’s met, and definitely one of the smartest.”
Wow. I had no idea James P. Hogan ever even thought about me, much less talked about me. If it were any other day, I think I might have swooned.
“Anyway,” Charlotte continued. “Why don’t I walk with you to class? I have math right down the hall.”
This was practically a godsend. Walking with Charlotte was the perfect excuse I needed to avoid running into Mel in the halls. As probably the most popular girl in school, she was almost guaranteed a posse of followers I could utilize to hide from the best friends I didn’t quite know how to face today.
I didn’t run into Adam that day until lunch. I once again sought refuge with the cheerleaders. Tiffany, in particular, seemed delighted to have me there, absolutely positive that I had some kind of magic gayness I could impart to her. I didn’t mind too much. Besides, the cheerleader table was right next to the jock table. I knew Adam would show up eventually. I’d just have to wait.
But when he walked up, saw me there sitting with the cheerleaders, I realized I had no idea what to say. All I could manage was a lame “Hey, Adam.” He only looked at me for a moment before he sat down, deliberately turning his back on me.
I stared at his back. I had to say something, to apologize, explain what had happened, something. But seriously, what could I say, with everybody there to overhear? God, all this secrecy I’d suddenly found myself saddled with was killing me. I needed my space from Kai, I couldn’t talk to Mel, Adam wouldn’t talk to me…. It was all infuriating.
“OMG,” Tiffany whispered in my ear, though she was loud enough to be heard by half the lunchroom. “Isn’t Adam the h
ottest guy in school?”
It was odd. James P. Hogan was sitting right there, right next to Adam, and yet I found myself agreeing with Tiffany. “Yeah,” I said.
“The hottest.” I saw Adam’s back stiffen. He’d obviously heard me, but he didn’t turn around, didn’t say anything.
After lunch, I tried to catch up to Adam, hoping to get a chance to talk to him alone, if only for a minute. But he ignored me calling his name.
When I finally got close enough to him, Will, his very homophobic friend, turned to confront me.
“What the fuck do you want, fag boy?”
I looked to Adam for support. He only stared back at me with dead eyes, turned, and walked away.
“Fuck off, Will,” I said, trying to get past him to catch up with Adam. But Will sidestepped, blocking my path.
“You gonna do something about it, fairy?”
I’d never really contemplated punching anyone before. At least not seriously. I’d always been shorter and thinner than most boys, and my instincts toward self-preservation tended to ward off the thoughts of violence. But in that instant, I came within a millimeter of punching Will right in the face.
“That’s what I thought,” Will muttered smugly and walked off, leaving me standing there, wishing I had punched him. At least it would have wiped that smug look off his face.
OVER A week of that went by. I didn’t go to drama club at all, for fear of facing Mel’s questions, though I did send her a “sorry, Kai and I are fighting” text. She never responded. Well, I guess that’s another relationship I’ll have to repair eventually. I’ll add it to the list.
I kept sitting with Charlotte and Tiffany and the rest of the cheerleaders during biology and lunch. Actually, that was the best part of this whole experience. I found myself indulging more and more of my feminine side, what with the constant talk of fashion, the liberal use of the words “bitch” and “gurrrrl,” the delight in the daily drama of high school life, slumber parties with makeovers, and boy talk. It was strangely liberating. I consider myself to be a pretty masculine guy. I try not to cry, get strangely defensive about lifting heavy things, pretend I’m not feeling half the emotions I really am, say things like “dude” and “bro,” watch tons of action movies, all that fun stuff. But hanging out with these girliest of girls drew out parts of me I’d never explored, hadn’t really even known were there. It was the one bright spot, if for no other reason than it introduced me to the wonderful world that is chick flicks.