by Anna Bloom
I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t get any air into my lungs. The headmaster still waited for us to get out of the car, his face etched into a calm mask as he nodded greetings at the waiting press. My head whooshed and whizzed like a pressure pot close to explosion.
“Leia, it’s just today, maybe tomorrow, and then they will leave us alone. This is what you decided; private, not secret.”
Everything he said made sense. I just didn’t want it to. I knew my behaviour hinged on irrational—psychotic almost—but every element of control I’d ever had no longer existed.
“Maybe you should stay in the car and I’ll do this by myself.” I winced as I said the words but despite the scorch they left on my tongue I had to say them.
“Is this what it’s coming down to? You don’t want to be judged for being seen with me? Hate to tell you this, Leia, but it’s too late for that. You kissed me in front of the whole news core on Friday night.”
I nodded but the tight band across my ribcage didn’t lesson. “I know.” I tried to find the words. “It’s just school runs, things like this, they make it all normal, don’t they? It means you can’t change your mind. Everyone will judge you for it if you do.”
“Oh my god. You are utterly ridiculous. I showed the entire world that I’m insanely in love with you on the steps to the bloody Palladium.”
“What if people think I’m with you because I’m a gold digger?”
Oliver clutched at his hair. “Sweet shi—” he groaned. “Leia, you are going to be the end of me, do you know that. The utter end.”
“That’s what I’m saying.”
“Get out of the car now.” His face darkened with thunder.
I undid the door and slipped out. I turned to undo Daisy’s door, but Oliver already had a hold on the handle. Daisy’s face crumpled and her bottom lip protruded.
“Oh God.” Kneeling down, uncaring of who watched, I took her face in my hands. “I’m sorry, Daisy, I am. I’m just so worried about everything.”
Oliver knelt on the pavement in his smart navy trousers. “Daisy, Mummy doesn’t mean it, okay? She’s been through a lot; we all have.”
Daisy nodded. “I want everyone to be happy.”
“We are, I promise.” I smoothed her hair, well the bits of it I could touch under the stupid hat. “We are. I just have a lot of really silly thoughts about myself, and I always try so hard not to listen to them, but sometimes they shout louder than others.” I tried not to pull a face. “Does that make sense?”
Oliver’s straight lips said it all.
I rested my index finger on Daisy’s chest. “You are my number one, and maybe I’m jealous I have to share you now. Maybe I am bored and lonely but being with you two is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You know how Cinderella doesn’t think she should go to the ball?”
Daisy nodded.
“Well I guess that’s how I feel sometimes, like I shouldn’t be here; but at the same time there isn’t anywhere else I want to be.”
I looked up to meet Oliver’s gaze. “Really. There isn’t anywhere else I want to be.”
His mouth softened a little and he grasped my hand. “Right, are we going to school or are we going to sit around on the pavement all day?”
“School.” Daisy and I said at once.
“Come on then.” He flashed me a smile, but it wasn’t totally free from reservation. “Are all school runs this stressful?”
“Sometimes. It depends on how many mummies are in the playground.” Daisy answered and I shrivelled a little inside.
Oliver’s eyes burned with determination. “Well then, it’s a bloody good job I’m here now, isn’t it?”
As we walked along to the gates leading to the courtyard entrance of the school, Oliver waved at the press while his other hand held Daisy’s. With my own free hand, I waved and smiled.
“See it’s not that hard, is it?”
Daisy and I glanced at one another, both of us curling our top lips. Sure, it wasn’t that hard at all, if you were a royal.
“Okay, so talk.” He didn’t put his seatbelt on and instead turned to face me, his arm resting over the steering wheel. “What’s going on?”
People watched but he didn’t give them the blindest bit of attention. I burned like the sun.
“I’m sorry, Ollie. It’s just these things are nerve-wracking for me.”
“What the school run, or doing it with me, because they both seemed to be an issue this morning.”
“No, not you.”
He rose an eyebrow but kept silent.
“You guys are all so normal in the palace, I can’t explain it right.” I shut my eyes and leant back against the headrest of the passenger seat. Maybe this would be easier if I had my eyes closed and couldn’t see the disappointment in his face. “Like your mum, and everything.” I skipped over his dad who didn’t like me. At all. “So it’s easy to forget when we are together at the palace that the moment we step outside everyone will be watching. Maybe not helped by the fact my life seems to have ceased to exist. I haven’t seen Nana since the Sunday before last; I haven’t been to work.” Wow a lot of words spewed out of my mouth. “I haven’t got to take Daisy for an ice-cream or to feed the ducks; anything normal. I mean, usually on the school run I’d be running around late and flapping, yet here we are gliding up in your Range Rover, perfectly on time… I mean, I don’t even like people using cars for school runs. Let’s not forget my daughter nearly died a couple of weeks ago because people are too lazy to walk. And I realise your normal is utterly normal, more than I ever expected, but at the same time it’s not normal at all.” I trailed off before adding, “Okay, I said normal way too many times then to be normal.”
He rubbed at his face. “I don’t know what to do or say. I moved you to the palace to keep you guys safe from the press, but now you are making me feel like I’m putting you in a gilded cage.”
“That’s not what I’m saying.” It was though and my lie was obvious. “I wish you and your family would show people how normal you all are. There’s all this mystery about the royal family, and yet you’re all kind of regular.”
He snorted a laugh. “Please don’t tell me I’m regular in all areas, otherwise I’ll be offended for life.”
“You know I don’t mean that, I can’t even compare anything to that.” I stared at his face. “Oliver, Nana isn’t going to want to come and live at the palace with us, and I can’t really blame her. It doesn’t matter how many rooms you offer her, or whichever way you spin in; she’s an independent woman.”
He nodded slowly. “Like you?”
I shrugged. “Shouldn’t we all be independent?”
“So tell me, Miss Independent, what do you want to do?”
I sighed. “I want to go to work, Ollie, but I know it’s impossible.”
He glared for a moment out of the window and then without talking started the engine.
“You’re cross with me?” My voice had the depth and strength of a mouse.
“No.”
“You are. You want to know why I can’t be a girl who’s desperate to be a princess who wants to be wrapped up in cotton wool and pampered at every turn. Who likes her hair smooth and shiny, and to be photographed in posh frocks at expensive restaurants.”
He eased the car out of the traffic, the last of the reporters were making their way back to their offices, happy with their morning work.
“Say something.” I begged.
“I’m thinking.”
“Where are you taking me then?”
He turned, his face at once frustrated but at the same time filled with an adoration I didn’t think I deserved. “I’m taking you to bloody work.
Paula launched herself at me as soon as I walked through the door. If Ollie hadn’t been stood behind me like a well sculpted brick wall, I’d have been flat on my arse.
“Leia, I thought you’d left us forever.”
“As if.” I squeezed her back as hard as I could while
stupid tears prickled my eyelashes. I dashed at my face with the back of my hand. “Don’t say anything.” I warned. Oliver’s hand rubbed a circle on my back, so I shook my emotions off. I didn’t want him to think I hated moving in with him any more than he did, because truthfully I didn’t. I just missed my friends.
“Bloody hell, Leia.” Molly looked up from her computer. “You find yourself a trillionaire boyfriend and we still can’t get you to stop coming in. When are we going to convince you that your marketing skills suck?”
“Bite me,” I said and then I started to cry, great big splodging tears all down my face.
Good that I kept my emotions on the downplay.
“So, life at the palace huh?” Janine looked at me over her mug of tea. “At least they sorted your hair out.”
“Hey, what was wrong with my hair?”
Molly snorted but didn’t say anything while Janine pushed the paper that had been folded on her desk towards me.
“Seriously, Leia, you look amazing here. Why am I not surprised you’re the one breaking royal protocol?”
I scrunched my face at the picture of Oliver and I smooching in eveningwear. “I mean, who has a no kissing rule?”
“The King and Queen…” Janine took a sip of her tea. “Come on then, tell me what’s wrong.”
“Nothing’s wrong. I just miss you guys.”
“You miss us, or you miss doing something useful?”
“Bit of both. There aren’t that many people to gossip with at the palace.” I glanced at Molly and pursed my lips, overcome by another word stealing wave of emotion.
“Do you know how many charities there are in this city?” Janine placed her mug down and leant across her desk.
“Thousands.”
“Do you know how many homeless shelters there are, old people’s homes, children’s care homes?” She met my eyes at this one. I’d been lucky to escape the fate of a children’s home all because Janine had found my nana at the thirteenth hour.
“Yes.”
“Do they have royal support? Remember what we were like only a couple of months ago before Oliver walked in here and changed everything?”
“I’m not a royal.”
Molly slammed her hand down on the desk. “Dear Lord, Leia. If you don’t start to realise the position you are in here, I’m going to proposition the heir to the throne myself. He loves you. Like crazy loves you.”
I nodded, wincing a little. He didn’t look like he loved me when he left me here. He looked worried and stressed. “I’m making things hard for him because I can’t settle down and just get on with it.”
Janine shook her head. “I doubt he’s thinking that at all.”
“I wish I could explain to you guys how different it is there, at the palace. They really aren’t that different to any other family.”
“And…” Janine rolled her hand towards me.
“I wish other people could see it.”
“Do you think they can change?”
I grimaced in response.
“Can you change?” she asked.
“I still want to be me.”
“Who is you?”
“I help people whose life has turned to shit.”
Janine leant down and pulled out a thick heavy book. The telephone directory landed on her desk with a loud thud. “Here you go then. This should keep you busy for a little while.”
Thirteen
I couldn’t find Dixon as I walked through the main palace hallways, or Freya or Norma. I knocked on the library door and pushed it open.
“Oh, I’m sorry.” I began to backtrack as soon as I saw the King. He sat on the satin striped sofa Isabella had laid on that first afternoon I’d spent here when she’d pretended to be wasted; or when she’d pretended not to be wasted when she actually was. I still couldn’t work it out.
“Leia, come in.”
“Uh.” I hesitated. “It’s okay. I didn’t mean to disturb you.”
He waved me in and short of other choices I walked in and curtsied. “Your Majesty.”
“Oh, please. Call me Henry.”
I think my face said it all. It said enough at any rate because he chuckled. “I hear you’ve been busy.” He motioned for the sofa opposite him and I sat down trying to smooth my skirt the way I’d noticed the Queen did. All I managed to do was look like I stroked my thighs.
“Trying. It seems right that I should continue to keep supporting Bright Futures and other charities that help substance abuse victims. The charity Oliver set up when he first came to meet us is a solid platform.”
“That’s true. It should keep you busy in this city; even more so if you go up North.”
I nodded but didn’t really know what else to say. He didn’t seem to be that interested in the issues of dependency. It was hard to tell what the King was passionate about apart from his horses.
“Daisy’s beautiful. She does you a massive credit.”
“Thank you. It wasn’t always easy.”
“I’m sure. You are setting a good example to other women out there on their own.”
I paused, hesitating, unsure whether to speak up. The King chuckled. “Oliver said you always have your thoughts on your face.”
I flushed. “I wasn’t alone, not really. I had Daisy and she was all that mattered.”
“Oliver loves her, that’s clear to see.”
“But? You are worried because she’s a challenge to the succession?”
He shook his head. “Not at all. Oliver’s a sensible man. He’ll make the right choices when he needs to.”
What did that mean?
“You don’t approve of the choice he’s made in me though, do you?”
The King met my gaze, his look sharp and intent. “Not at all. I worry for you. I remember all too well what it was like for Margaret as an outsider and I remember all too well how she had to change to fit in with the royal way. My own mother had very stringent rules.”
“But she’s happy now, your family are happy.”
The King shrugged, wordlessly, continuing to stare at me for a long moment. “I hated having to watch her change and I know Oliver will feel the same.”
“Would you prefer he’d married someone like Charlotte Macclesfield?”
Another pause, while I waited with bated breath for his answer. “In some ways, yes.” I kept in my gasp of disappointment as he continued. “Because she didn’t have half the heart to break. It was why we picked her in the first place.”
I went to stand. “I appreciate your honesty.” On shaking legs, I turned for the door.
“Leia. Any woman can fall in love with a prince. It takes a strong woman to withstand what that means.”
Shaking my head, I walked back out of the library.
Oliver found me out by the lake, on the seat we’d sat on the day he’d tried to explain what his life was like. That day the sun had been intense, insects had buzzed over the water. Now, the end of November was chasing us, with fingers of frost and gloomy afternoons. Weeks slipped past in the castle with no real sense of time passing.
“What are Granny Alice’s trinkets?”
His fingers lifted mine and his thumb ran along the dull glow of the square diamond and emeralds. “You remembered?”
“Yep.” I turned and smiled. “Isabella talks too much after champagne.”
“I think Isabella just has too much champagne.” A frown flickered across his face, but he chased it away with a smile. The royal family might be astoundingly normal, but just like your standard family on the street, talking about their issues wasn’t easy either. Maybe more so. Their silence about Isabella’s drinking unnerved me.
“So?” I prompted pushing away my thought and nudging his shoulder.
“Remember the fairy garden?” he asked. Like I could forget. I knew for a fact that the King had taken Daisy there since we’d moved into the palace apartment. I nodded. “That was Granny Alice.”
“Queen Alice?”
“Yes, exact
ly. She knew from birth, I guess much like me, she would always be queen. In fact, the law was changed to ensure she would be. Before that male heirs would have been first in line to the throne. The crown would only pass to a queen in lieu of there being a male born to succession.”
I stared at the ring. “You really need to stop giving me heirlooms.”
“They are mine to give, Leia. And anyway. That one.” He lifted my fingers and skimmed a kiss across my knuckles. “Is special. It’s a promise ring. Granny Alice was in love with the Earl of Richmond. He wasn’t considered a high enough birth for her, but regardless, on her seventeenth birthday he bought her a small green box and inside sat this ring.”
“He did not propose to her when she was seventeen!” I don’t know why this shocked me so much considering I had a one-year-old by the time I was that age. I was still only twenty-two and had all but declared undying love for the future King of England.
“No, Little Miss Scruples, but he made her a promise that he would find a way to become worthy of her hand in marriage, and that one day he would make her his wife.”
“Did he?”
“Of course he did, the point of the story would be utterly depressing otherwise.” He chuckled against me and I reached up and kissed his jaw.
“So why did you give it to me the night of the variety performance?” I stared at the slender band again with greater interest.
“Because even though I knew you didn’t know what it meant, or what it had meant before, I wanted my promise to be there on your skin. I’ll never let you down, Leia. Not ever.”
“I know.” I reached around and pressed my lips to his, inhaling his scent of oriental spice. “Shall we go and get Daisy together? Then I want to take her to Bernie’s shelter for a little while.”
“I’ve got plans for this afternoon.”
“Oh?”
He pecked a kiss on my lips. “Just wait and see. Come, let’s go. She’s been talking about a dinosaur she wants to show us in the great hall.”
I snorted loudly. “Only you could send my daughter to a school where they have a great hall and not a dining hall.”