‘I’m going to find the information and—’ Kole starts, but I cut across him.
‘No. That’s not good enough. Whatever or whoever it is that’s been tracking us needs to be taken out. We can’t risk doing it any other way. And we can’t risk failing.’
‘That’s ridiculous—’ Kole says, frowning at me.
‘No, it’s not.’ I look him straight in the eye, and though he doesn’t back down, he doesn’t say anything else. ‘If we’re going to stop this, we need to kill it at the source. And for that we’ll need more than just you, Kole.’
‘And what are you suggesting?’ Jay asks, curiosity in his tone rather than accusation.
‘That we pick a small group and we go in together, find out how Oasis is hunting us, track it back to the source, end this, and come home.’
The idea, however outlandish it sounds at this particular moment, that there is a chance of a light at the end of this tunnel, makes me feel weak at the knees.
Kole looks agitated. The group takes a step back as he starts pacing, running his hands through his hair as he considers all the options. But I know he’s going to come to the same conclusion that I did last night. That no matter how much he might dislike this plan, it’s the only hope we have of ending this.
‘Who do we bring?’ he asks, and just like that, we’re going.
42
We decide to leave in two days. Jay, Kole and I decide who to bring with us late one night, after everyone has gone to bed.
Clarke is an obvious choice.
Kole suggests we bring Mark, which I agree with, but if Mark comes it’ll be hard to convince Walter to stay, and Walter’s too much of a risk. He can be nervous and jumpy at the best of times. Besides, we need someone to look after the base while we’re gone.
We talk and talk and finally it’s decided: me, Kole, Jay and Clarke. A small group, small enough, hopefully, to get in undetected, but enough of us to pull it off.
Kole explains the plan to get in, using an underground water system, the same one whose outlet I used to escape. I don’t say anything, and I don’t question how Kole knows so much. That seems to be normal here, to know too much about something but for no one to say a word.
I guess everyone has secrets.
The next day, with the planning complete and everyone informed, we begin to prepare for the mission itself.
I’m helping Mark pack the bags we’ll be bringing with us when I come across old uniforms. There are stacks of them, almost one for every person here. I lay my hands flat against the grey fabric. Lacey must have washed them, because they’re all completely clean, holes sewn up with a precision I’ve never mastered. It’s like she knew we’d need them again eventually. I wonder if she was the last one to hold them. What she was thinking as she folded them so neatly, always attempting to make this place feel less desperate, even with the smallest things, like this.
I hand the pile back to Mark, who only pauses for a moment before he moves on, continuing to pack the uniforms into separate bags, but I can tell by the slant of his shoulders he’s thinking about Lacey, too.
Once we have everything packed, there’s nothing left to do but train, most of it led by Kole, who never seems to stop moving anymore. It’s as if he thinks he can fend off the memories if he never sleeps, never takes a break, never takes a moment to breathe.
He insists I train with Jay, so that Jay can teach me to fight properly with a knife, and I do, in the hopes of granting him a sliver of peace.
Jay’s form of teaching is different, but I can see small details of Kole’s style in his, making me wonder who taught him before he taught me.
‘Search out the anger,’ he says to me now, standing outside in the clearing and holding the practice knife Clarke whittled for him. ‘Anger is cold. When you find it, let it take over. It’ll stop you from caring, and that’s what’s going to get you in trouble.’
I mutter under my breath as I roll my own practice knife in my hand, finding a better grip.
‘Let it in,’ he shouts at me, circling me as we move within the clearing. ‘Let the anger in. Let it make you cold. Feel it.’
I think of the irony that he is telling me to let it in while Kole told me to let it go.
‘You don’t have a gun in your hand,’ he says, as if reading my mind. ‘You have a knife. It’s different. You shoot an Officer from far off, you barely feel it. With a knife, it’s violent. It’s up-close and personal.’
He lunges forward, and I try to duck away from him, but the wooden blade skims across my side, over the scab of my actual knife wound. I flinch.
‘Let it in!’ he shouts at me. ‘This is what you signed up for. This is blood and guts and feeling your blade hit bone. You have to stop letting that get in the way. Your pain doesn’t matter, your opponent’s pain doesn’t matter. All that matters is survival.’
I lunge forward, going for his abdomen, but he’s out of the way and standing behind me before I know what’s happening. He holds his practice knife to my neck.
‘You’re dead,’ he whispers, then pushes me away. ‘Again.’
I turn around, facing him, my heart thundering in my chest. I need to learn this. I need to be better than them, or everything is going to fall apart.
Jay lunges at me and I duck out of the way, but before I can get out of range he hooks his heel behind my foot and pulls, sending me tumbling to the ground. He moves to jump on top of me, his practice knife arcing towards me, but before it hits home I push out and roll from beneath him, finding my footing and jumping back up before he can catch me.
‘Good.’ He grins, and there is a predatory glee in his eyes as he comes towards me again. He stabs forward, and I jump a step back, the tip barely missing my stomach.
Pushing forward off his back foot, he thrusts the blade towards me again, and I fall back another step, and another and another as he keeps pressing forward.
‘FIGHT BACK!’ he shouts, but his hits are coming too fast, and I can’t think, I can’t bring my knife up, I can’t do anything but dodge away from him. ‘Let it in!’
He moves to the side and launches himself at me again, but this time, instead of taking a step back, I step forward, meeting his wooden blade with my own.
‘Good.’ His razor smile is back, but without hesitation he slides his blade from mine, stabbing it towards me again. I jump sideways instead of backwards, land a blow to his arm, jump back.
‘LET IT IN!’ he shouts again, still not happy, still not satisfied. ‘Let it consume you!’
My patience snaps. Instead of looking for an opening, I lunge for him, stabbing and stabbing and stabbing as he blocks each movement, always one step ahead.
‘ARGH!’ I scream, throwing myself at him, my knife held aloft, and as he raises his blade to block me, I swivel around, flipping myself over so I am behind him, lodging my knife in his abdomen as I go.
There is a moment where we are both as still as the dead, our breaths held within us, like we’re not sure what just happened. But finally he turns around. His smile is manic and happy and hungry, like he feeds on this energy, on the speed and force and precision.
‘Exactly,’ he says, and his voice sounds both breathy and excited. ‘Exactly.’
43
I wake up in the middle of the night, only a few hours before we leave for Oasis, a dream still clinging to me. I shudder as I remember it, standing up out of my makeshift bed as I try to shake off the remaining horror. I don’t remember much, except that Bea was waiting for me inside Oasis.
I pace around the room, trying to clear my head, but I can’t get her face out of my mind. Her image haunts me, the look on her face the moment I made the decision to run, to run no matter the cost. I swallow the bile rising in my throat and pull open my door, desperate for some kind of escape.
Kole turns to face me in sweatpants and a loose-fitting black T-shirt, his hair rumpled. I wonder if he’s slept at all tonight.
‘I heard you moving around,’ he says.
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‘Sorry,’ I mutter, pulling out a chair and sitting down at the table. He’s making tea at the stove, and I welcome the warmth radiating from the fire. I’m coated in sweat from the nightmare, but my bones feel cold.
‘It doesn’t matter. It wasn’t like I was asleep.’ He shakes his head.
‘How are you feeling?’ I ask. I don’t want to admit it to myself, but I’m worried about him. Ever since the attack he’s begun to look progressively more strained every day, and I’m afraid he’s going to snap.
‘I’m okay,’ he says, without any inflection.
‘Are you?’ My voice echoes through the room and falls flat.
He takes the nettle leaves out from beneath the sink, Lacey’s concoction, the last batch she ever got to make. His hands are shaking.
‘Kole …’ I stand up and move towards him, but I don’t know what I think I’m going to do.
‘I just want to fix it,’ he whispers, his shoulders hunched over the stove.
‘Kole,’ I breathe. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make him feel better. I don’t know why I am so desperate to make him feel better.
When he turns around there are tears in his eyes and my heart feels like it’s going to explode.
‘I never wanted this. I never wanted a war. I just wanted them to leave us alone.’
‘I know,’ I say, and I’m not crying. I won’t cry. But he looks like he’s being ripped apart, and I know that feeling. I look down at his trembling hands and his face frozen in a twisted sort of horror and it feels like I’m standing in front of a mirror.
And then I do the single stupidest thing I could choose to do. The thing that every instinct in me screams not to do, the one thing the Dorms taught me to stay away from at all costs. I wrap my arms around his waist and press my face into his chest, and he pauses for a second, shocked, and then he hugs me back, too tight, like he’s needed this for so long, and I wonder what I’m doing, but I can’t let go.
We stand still for too long, holding too tight as the kettle whistles and the wind rattles against the shutters, and we are like two statues leaning against each other, and if one of us moves, we’ll both fall, and we can’t do that.
We can’t afford to.
And even after we break apart, after we fill our chipped cups with hot tea and sit at the table with our knees pulled up under our chins, our hands grasp together, because I cannot let go of him, because even when I think about it he seems to see it in my eyes and hold on tighter, like he’ll drown if I do. And we talk about nothing because something is too painful, and we hold on until the dawn comes, and I don’t let go, not even once.
44
‘Wait!’
We’re standing in front of the building, ready to leave, when Lauren runs towards us, shouting and out of breath.
‘Are you okay?’ Kole asks, stepping forward, concern and a touch of panic flitting across his face.
‘I want to come with you,’ she gasps, her breathing fast and uneven.
We all look at one another, shocked that she’s even trying. Taken aback by the desperation in her voice. She’s out of breath and her arm is in a makeshift sling, why the hell does she want to risk herself like this?
‘Lauren, you can’t,’ Kole says gently.
‘No, please.’ Her voice is high and reedy, and ever since she’s had enough energy to get up and move around, she’s been twitching, constantly edgy and restless. ‘Please let me come. I promise I won’t get in the way.’
‘It’s not about you getting in the way—’
‘Please.’ She steps closer to Kole, and her eyes are so wide and so desperate and so terrified. ‘My little sister’s Inside. I have to go back for her.’
Kole’s eyes widen a fraction, and I can see his resolve weakening.
‘Kole,’ Jay warns from behind him, his eyes narrowing into slits.
‘No, she can come,’ Kole says all at once, and turns on his heel just like that.
‘Kole, I’m not sure that’s a good idea—’ Clarke starts.
‘No,’ Kole snaps. ‘I said she can come. End of discussion.’
Jay mutters something obscene under his breath, fixing the straps on his backpack.
‘Let’s go,’ Kole grunts, and that’s it.
I trail behind, watching them walk into the trees, and I wonder why they just agree with him like that. I would argue with him, but I can’t help but see the similarity in her going back for her sister and me going back for Bea’s sister. And though that shouldn’t sway me, it does, and I keep my head down.
45
We stop only when the darkness makes it impossible to keep moving forward. Kole starts a fire in a small clearing, and we sit around it, huddling together against the cold. It’s going to take four days of walking to get to the Wall, and four days to get back to the base. If it weren’t for the raids we led on the Officers, we wouldn’t have enough food to make it both ways.
Kole unpacks the food, handing cans across the circle, along with utensils, and we settle down to eat.
‘To Oasis!’ Jay yells, lifting his can up in a sarcastic toast.
‘Shut up, Jay,’ Clarke growls at him, elbowing him in the ribs.
Kole shakes his head beside me, eating quietly. Clarke and Jay argue for a few minutes, nothing unusual for them, though there’s a lot more fire on Clarke’s side than on Jay’s. After a while things settle down, and I stand up and move to sit beside Lauren.
‘Hi,’ I say, feeling a little awkward.
‘Oh, hi.’ She looks around, a little confused. She hasn’t really spoken to anyone since we left, and all of us are so used to silent Lauren that we didn’t even question it.
I glance around to make sure no one’s listening to us, but everyone is caught up listening to Jay, who’s begun talking about something I can’t hear from this side of the fire.
‘What age is your sister?’
She looks up at me, her eyes widening a little. ‘Eight,’ she says quietly, looking back down at the empty can in her hand.
‘Where is she?’
‘In the Outer Sector somewhere. I don’t know. She’s probably been moved by now. I’m going to have to search for her.’
I don’t respond. I suppose I should say something encouraging, but finding a Dormant child in the Outer Sector is like looking for a needle in a needle stack, and I’m not going to give her false hope.
I wonder if I shouldn’t be hoping either. I wonder if I’m making a mistake, risking my life for something I’m never going to find.
But I remind myself it’s not just about Bea anymore. It’s bigger than her or Aaron or me or even Kole.
It’s bigger than all of us.
For four days we walk. In the early mornings Jay trains me, and I’m improving so fast that I’m actually holding my own against him. Sometimes Kole trains with us, but against him I don’t have a chance, and it frustrates me so much that on the third day I drop my knife and walk off into the forest, needing to get away, find a breath somewhere where I wasn’t expected to be quick and smart and precise and defend myself constantly.
Lauren stays mostly quiet, and with the exception of Jay and Clarke’s constant bickering, the rest of us do too.
We know what we’re walking into, and none of us has the heart for anything but silence as we drown in our own minds.
PART THREE
RETURN
1
The Wall rises up above us, and we take a minute just to stare at it.
‘How the—’ Jay starts.
‘Don’t finish that sentence,’ Kole cuts him off.
‘—are we going to get in there?’ Jay finishes, eyeing Kole.
‘Not the fun way,’ Kole responds wearily.
There are two water outlets in Oasis. One is a storm drain, to funnel the water out of Oasis in the case of a downpour, but the other drain is for sewage. I escaped through the water outlet, but if we followed that backwards it would land us just inside the Wall, where patrols
monitor the perimeter at all times.
The sewage outlet, on the other hand, we can follow all the way into the Outer Sector.
We move along the tree line until Kole finds the spot we’re going to break through, and then we sprint across the opening. The grass is wet beneath our feet, and I almost slip twice before we hit the bank, which we slide down as quickly as we can, launching ourselves into the trench, which is filled with both water and sewage.
I hear the others splutter as we wade through the mess, thigh-deep in filth as we scramble towards the outlet. I breathe through my mouth, trying not to gag as we move closer to the other bank.
The bank is steep on the far side, and it takes us forever to pull ourselves up.
‘You ready?’ Kole asks, looking at all of us as we face the sewage drain, which is wider than the one I broke through.
We all nod, and he goes first, crawling through the drain in a half crouch, steadying himself against the sides. We follow close behind, me, then Jay, then Clarke and Lauren.
I start to feel dizzy, and the deeper we go, the darker the drain gets, making it hard for me to orient myself as I try to keep from puking as the rancid smell enters my nose.
We move like this for what feels like hours, until finally Kole stops.
‘Shh,’ he whispers, holding a finger to his lips as he reaches above him, moving across a cover that I didn’t even see, releasing light into the tunnel. He puts his hands either side of the opening, and then suddenly he disappears, pulling himself upwards.
I glance back at Jay for a moment, who simply nods me forwards. I catch hold of the sides, like Kole did, but before I have a chance to pull myself up, Kole catches my forearms, hoisting me up himself.
Once I’m out and on my feet I glance around, taking in our surroundings as the rest of the group are pulled up and into Oasis. We’re in a short, deadend alleyway, the sun a muted orange colour just before it dips below the Wall.
Once we’re all in we start moving silently through Oasis, all six of us like shadows against the buildings, moving deeper and deeper into the Outer Sector, Kole leading us. We don’t speak. The streets get tighter and tighter as we go further in, the buildings closer and closer together as the architects tried to cope with the sheer quantity of Dormants that had to be housed.
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