Grayson threads our fingers together and squeezes my hand comfortingly. Elliot, Remy, Liam, and Sebastian give me their undivided attention as well, and I smile when I notice Arthur lingering in the doorway.
And then, I tell them everything.
Chapter Twenty-Six
At first, I’m not sure how to start. Should I jump straight to that awful, terrible night? Or should I tell them about my mom and Deanna first? I can already feel my heart beating wildly at the thought of bringing any of this stuff up. I know I could easily change my mind and say I’m just not ready to talk yet, and none of the guys would blame me or demand anything more. They’re sitting quietly, patiently waiting for me to say whatever I want to say.
I take another deep breath and snuggle closer to Grayson. I don’t think I’ll ever feel safer than I do right now with all five of them surrounding me. So, I finally break the silence.
“Well, you guys know my dad died when I was eight.” I don’t phrase it as a question, but they nod silently in acknowledgment anyways. “I was always really close with him. My mom was so much more serious, and they used to fight all the time because she said he spoiled me too much. My dad and I did everything together, and when he died, god, it was so hard. For days, I couldn’t eat or talk, and there were times when I felt like I couldn’t breathe.”
I barely remember his funeral. When I think about the first few days after my dad died, mostly I remember how broken I felt. How it seemed impossible to ever live without him.
“My mom took it really hard too.” I blink back tears. It’s way too soon for me to be crying before I’ve really started telling them my story. “I mean, obviously. He was her husband, and the love of her life. She was already serious before, like I said. But his death just made her colder. She couldn’t stand being around me or hearing the sound of my voice. After about a year, I pretty much stopped talking altogether because it bothered her so much. She would get so mad at me for crying or for showing any emotion. So, I just...I kept to myself. I stayed in my room and read books.”
I feel the guys trying not to react, but Grayson tenses up, and I see their frowns deepening. I wish I could describe how it feels to be so free with my words around them, how special it makes me feel that they like listening to me and talking to me.
“We started falling behind on our bills, even with my mom’s job, so we had to move out of our house and into a smaller apartment. It wasn’t in the nicest part of town, but I was able to walk to school and the library from there. For a few years, things were okay. My mom mostly ignored me, and that’s when I learned how to cook.”
Saying the apartment wasn’t in the nicest part of town is putting it lightly. The apartment building always smelled weird, the elevator was always out of order, and we constantly had issues with roaches. For a little while, my mom tried to keep everything neat and tidy and we pretended like things weren’t that bad. Eventually she gave up, and our living conditions were one more thing for her to be bitter about. It became my responsibility to cook and clean because otherwise those things would never have been taken care of.
I skip over all of these small details, but again, if Arthur and the guys only knew how drastically different my life was even before I went to juvie, they might understand how lucky I feel and how grateful I am now. Every time I look around my bedroom here, at all of the things I’ve acquired in just a few short months, I feel like an absolute princess.
“When I was fourteen, a woman named Deanna moved next door to us.” My voice cracks when I say her name, and I clear my throat and try to keep it together. “She was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen, and she seemed so nice at first. Deanna and my mom became really close, and she was always over at our place. I thought it was a good sign. My mom still ignored me, but she was happy and laughing all the time. I thought Deanna was making her better.”
A single tear falls too quickly for me to catch, and Liam leans in closer to brush his thumb over my cheek. He doesn’t say anything, but the gesture is so sweet and tender. I automatically lean into his touch and rest my tiny hand on top of his.
“Deanna did something to you?” Sebastian asks quietly, a growl in his voice. I’ve seen Sebastian get upset and lash out before, but I’ve never seen his expression turn as dark as it is now. I know his anger isn’t directed at me, but I still hate that I’m the reason for it.
I shut my eyes, silently debating over how exactly to answer Sebastian’s question. My emotions are all over the place. I’m angry and disgusted and heartbroken and confused.
“She usually ignored me too. Sometimes I would hear her making fun of me with my mom, and, well, I was just glad my mom had a friend. I was already working at the grocery store, and some nights I would come home late. My mom had never cared before, especially since I brought home free groceries pretty often, but Deanna always said something about me being out late. Like, she would imply that I was lying about where I was.”
Are you sure you don’t have a Sugar Daddy buying you these things, Charlotte? You’re working some awfully late hours for such a young, pretty girl. I can still hear her voice so clearly, saying the same stupid words she would repeat every single time I came home after dark. I used to feel so embarrassed, and I would deny it every time, and she and my mom would laugh. But now, looking back, all I feel is anger bubbling up under my skin.
My emotions must be obvious to the boys because Elliot grunts and mumbles under his breath, “What a fucking cunt.”
I bite my lip to hide a smile. It’s not that he said anything amusing, and I normally hate that word, but just hearing one of my boys say anything breaks up some of the tension, and it makes it that much easier to keep talking.
“One night when I came home from work, my mom and Deanna were having a party. There were so many people drinking and doing drugs, and my mom was right in the middle of it. I’d seen her drink wine plenty of times, but never anything like this. I freaked out and confronted her, which is something I would never normally do. But I was worried about her.”
My eyes glaze over slightly as I recall her reaction. She’d slapped me and called me a nosy little slut before sending me to my room. I’d been shocked when it happened, so I’d listened. But now there’s a tiny voice in the back of my head telling me that maybe she was right all along. After all, what kind of girl falls in love with five different boys at the same time?
“That sort of thing happened a lot after that.” I shake my head. There’s no way I’m going to admit what I was just thinking. “I didn’t want to be home when there were so many strangers around. So, I started staying at the library until it closed, and I always asked Matilda for more shifts at work, even if I had to work off the clock.”
“One day, I went home early instead of going to work because I wasn’t feeling well. I figured I could try to sleep for a couple of hours before my mom had company over. When I got up to our apartment, Deanna was already there. She and my mom had broken the lock on my door and torn my room apart.”
I clench my fists in anger just thinking about it. I still don’t know what I could have done differently, but I hate that I just stood there quietly like an idiot. I fucking apologized when my mom started screaming at me about all the cash I’d hidden away.
“They ripped up all of my clothes, which I didn’t have very many of, and they broke the laptop I’d borrowed from school. And they stole the money I’d been saving up from work all year. I didn’t even have any real plans then, but I guess I thought I’d be able to move out and get my own place after I graduated.” I turn my head and bury my face in Grayson’s shoulder, trembling in anger while I try not to cry. He wraps his arms around me tightly, rubbing a hand soothingly over my back. “My mom started hitting me, and she kept screaming over and over that I was lying about everything and that there’s no way I could have made that much money working at a grocery store.”
“Fuck, Princess...” Grayson pulls me closer so that I’m practically in his lap, and he holds me li
ke he’s afraid to let me go. “I’m sorry. God, we love you so fucking much. I really, really hope you know that.”
My heart stutters at his words, but I know he doesn’t mean they love me the way I love them. What a stupid time to be thinking such stupid, impossible thoughts. I nod my head against his shoulder and mumble, “I do know that.”
“Had she hit you before that, Charlotte?” I look up to find Arthur standing beside Liam, looking more heartbroken than when he’d first picked me up from juvie.
I avert my eyes and shrug. “Not like that.”
Arthur already blames himself for not being there after my dad died, for not checking in until Anne was able to track him down. I don’t blame him for anything, and it’s killing me that he’s going to beat himself up more when he knows the entire truth. It makes me want to shut up, or finish the story later.
But this is the first time I’ve ever talked about my mom or Deanna, and letting it out feels good. All of the anger and hatred I’ve been bottling up and keeping to myself is slowly starting to uncoil. Talking about it all hurts right now, but I can already tell it’s going to help so much.
“I didn’t tell anyone what happened. Matilda asked about a few of my bruises the next day, but I just...I didn’t answer her. I should have talked to her, but I was afraid and nervous. Plus, a stupid part of me wanted to protect my mom. She was still throwing parties, drinking and doing drugs with strangers, and at this point, it was happening practically every night. I started sleeping with a knife under my pillow since the lock on my door was broken.”
Most of the people who were always around scared the crap out of me, but they were usually too messed up to notice me when I came home. A few older men made lewd comments every now and then, but there were only a couple of times that anyone actually came into my room, and they left as soon as they realized I was there. That didn’t stop me from panicking every time I heard someone outside my door. I barely slept at home after my lock was broken, and I started falling asleep in my classes at school almost daily.
“I was so angry all the time,” I whisper. “But I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I just dealt with everything, and I hoped my mom would eventually stop and go back to normal, even if normal meant quietly ignoring me like she had been for years.”
“Right before school ended for summer break, my mom lost her job. I don’t know the reason for sure, but I can guess that it’s because she kept calling out or showing up hung-over. She was pissed, and she took it out on me. She stopped having her parties for a little while, but she constantly yelled at me that everything was my fault. She used to say she wished I’d died instead of my dad because then she wouldn’t be in this situation. I probably could have offered to help with some of our bills, but I was selfish.”
“You are not fucking selfish,” Elliot objects. The rest of the boys mutter in agreement, and Grayson’s arms tighten around me again.
“He’s right,” Arthur says, his voice thick with unveiled emotion. “It was your mother’s responsibility to take care of you, and she failed you.”
I meet my uncle’s eyes and a few tears escape. I quickly wipe them away. I need to get to the end and finish telling them what happened. Then I can break down and tell them how much they all mean to me, and how happy I am to be here now after everything.
“When I came home from work one night, nobody was there. I figured my mom was either next door or somewhere out with Deanna, so I went to sleep early.” I have to take a few deep breaths before I continue, and I can’t bear to look at Arthur or any of the boys. “I woke up in the middle of the night when someone sat down on my bed. It was an older guy, and I couldn’t see him clearly. I mean, you guys know I can barely see anything without my glasses.”
The guys go totally still, and I pull away from Grayson, only because I feel disgusting every time I think about the strange man who tried to crawl into my bed. I rub my hands over my arms, internally cringing and struggling to get more words out.
“He called me pretty and started touching my face. I pushed him away, and I was so freaked out and scared that I couldn’t speak. When he got on top of me, I started crying and struggling. He didn’t—he didn’t hurt me, but he got mad...”
“Charlotte.” Sebastian whispers my name, and I can see his hands curled into tight fists on top of my blankets. I still can’t force myself to look at him, so I shake my head.
“He—he told me to hold still, and he yelled at me when I didn’t listen. I tried to tell him no, but I was crying too hard and I don’t know if he heard me. But then he said...” My vision goes red, like it always does when I reach my breaking point, and my hands tremble in anger. “He said he’d already paid my mom, and she told him I would be good and quiet.”
I wasn’t scared anymore after that. I was so fucking angry. My mom had treated me horribly for years, and then she betrayed every single last ounce of trust I’d ever had in her. The person who was supposed to love and protect me...it was like I flipped a switch.
My voice is cold now, and I don’t feel the tears on my cheeks anymore. “I stabbed him. I was so mad at him and my mom and everything, and I just...I went crazy. I stabbed him so many times I don’t even know if...I don’t remember anything after that, not until the police showed up and arrested me. My mom was hysterical, screaming that I was dangerous and unstable.”
“And you didn’t tell the police what happened,” Arthur says dejectedly, not bothering to phrase it as a question.
A quiet sob escapes my throat and I shake my head. “No. I didn’t think anyone would believe me, and I did hurt that man. I was out of control—"
“This is such fucking bullshit!” Sebastian exclaims. I look up in surprise when he stands up from my bed, and he paces around my room with his fists clenched at his sides. He stops and glares viciously at Arthur. “She should have been here. She should have come to live with you after your brother died. None of that should have ever happened to her!”
I bite my lip and sniffle as tears fall freely down my cheeks. “Sebastian...”
But my voice is too quiet, and he’s too angry. He doesn’t hear me. Arthur’s holding his hand over his eyes and I just want to fix this. I don’t want them to be upset, and I definitely don’t want them to blame themselves.
Sebastian doesn’t wait for Arthur to answer. Without any warning, he turns and punches the wall over and over. I gasp and throw my hands up to cover my mouth, and Grayson pulls me back against his chest while Elliot jumps up to stop Sebastian. Liam and Remy are sitting frozen, staring at me with heartbroken expressions on their faces.
When Elliot grabs him, Sebastian turns and tries to hit him instead.
“Please, stop!” I cry, loud enough that Sebastian hears me and actually listens. With everyone’s attention on me again, I slump back against Grayson and my pillows in defeat. “I never wanted to upset any of you, and god, I could never blame you in a million years, Arthur! I want you guys to know that I’m so, so happy I’ve found you all and that I’m here now. I know I’m messed up, and sometimes I might freak out like I did last night. But that’s not your guys’ fault, and I feel so lucky that you gave me a chance. That you guys are still here, even though you know what happened now.”
“Of course we are,” Liam says in surprise, and he reaches out to squeeze my hand reassuringly.
The room is silent, but it’s not uncomfortable. Arthur scoots past Liam and sits on the edge of my bed, and he takes my hands between his. “Charlotte...kid, I just...” His voice catches, and it takes him a few seconds before he continues. “I’m so sorry any of that happened to you, and I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you before. But I’m really glad you’re here now. I hope you know that you’ve got a home here forever.”
I don’t think I’ve ever felt more at home anywhere else my entire life. I wish I knew the words to say to tell Arthur how much his promise means to me, how much everything he’s done and given me this summer means to me. Since I ca
n’t find the right words, I sit up and throw my arms around him instead.
Arthur hugs me back tightly, and I feel so warm and safe and loved. He’s not my father, but I love him just as much as if he were.
When I pull away, the guys have stood up from the bed. I’m all out of words after talking so much, but I take turns hugging each of them so they still know how grateful I am for their friendship and support. Grayson and Elliot squeeze me so tightly it’s almost hard to breathe. Remy and Liam are the opposite. They hold me like I’m the most fragile, precious thing they’ve ever seen.
When I turn to hug Sebastian last, I grab his wrist and frown at the blood and scrapes across his knuckles. “How badly does this hurt? Do you need to go to the doctor for an x-ray?”
Sebastian blinks at me with his mismatched eyes, and he gives me this adorable half-smile. “I can’t believe you’re worried about my stupid hand right now. I’m alright. I’m just an idiot.”
Arthur sighs and walks over to the wall, shaking his head at the messy holes in the drywall. “You should still clean those scratches and wrap your hand. At least you didn’t hit a stud.”
Smile Like You Mean It (Charlotte Reynolds Book 1) Page 29