Instead, I’d—
A choking sound.
Crying.
I whipped my head left. Zoe ran blindly beside me, tears streaming down her face. She ran, and she cried, and she ran, and she cried, great big sobs of pain and despair.
I stepped in front of her. Her body hurtled into mine and I held her tight, wrapped my arms around her so she couldn’t move.
‘No!’ She hammered her fists against my chest, her legs still moving. ‘No, I have to—’
‘No.’ My voice was firm. ‘You don’t have to do anything.’
‘I … I …’ She gave one last hammer with those damn adorable fists, one last kick, and then she collapsed, giving herself to me. I swept one arm under her knees, lifting her up and pulling her to my chest. She linked her arms around my neck, buried her face in my shirt as she cried, and cried, and cried.
I drove her back to her apartment, her sobs the only sound in the otherwise quiet car. Inside, I took her straight to the bathroom where I turned the shower on, then slowly stripped her of her training gear—first her shirt, then her shoes, then her shorts, until finally she stood there in her sports bra and underwear.
‘You want to …’ Privacy? Time alone?
Her shoulders shook as she continued to cry, and I leaned in close, unhooking her sports bra. She shivered it down her arms, then peeled off her panties, stepping into the shower.
I turned to head for the kitchen. She needed a peppermint tea. Wasn’t that what Kristy had when she was feeling down?
A wet hand clamped over my wrist.
I stopped, turned.
Zoe pulled me toward her.
Kicking off my shoes, I went.
I stood beside her in the shower, fully clothed, the warm spray of the water soaking my hair, sticking my shirt to my back. In front of me, the most beautiful woman I’d ever met stood, looking up at me from under eyelashes rimmed with the glimmer of water, from the shower or her tears, I didn’t know.
My hand slid into her hair, pulling her head back, and I kissed her, wanting to kiss away all that pain, all that sorrow that she’d tried to sweat out on the field. Her lips parted and she kissed me back, her body trembling but her mouth and heart open.
It was different—so different to every kiss we’d shared before.
This wasn’t about need. It wasn’t about lust, and it wasn’t about the joy of discovery, of getting to know someone. Of starting to like.
This kiss was about care.
It was about protection.
This kiss was about love.
And as the water sprayed down above us, all my plans for making her hurt go away using Tahlia, calling Gail—they vanished. Because this kiss. This kiss was everything.
This was how I would help her heal.
This was what I was meant to do.
Chapter 31
Zoe
Sawyer stayed the night.
He held me in the shower, kissing away my pain as the water needled against my skull.
He held me in the dark when I woke after dreaming of Emily, of the life she’d never have.
He held me, and he didn’t ask for anything more than that, and thank God for him. Thank God for this man who somehow knew what I needed when I didn’t know myself.
I pulled my ponytail tight, smoothing back any last flyaways that had fallen loose. He’d be here any minute, him and the boys from the team.
And Jarren.
Of course, I couldn’t forget Jarren.
I sighed, washing my hands one last time before turning and heading out into the corridor. As I walked to the staffroom to drop my bag, I pulled out my phone. I felt so strange, so empty inside—like this couldn’t really be happening.
You’ve done all you can.
I knew this—I knew it, but it didn’t stop the questions. What if I had done things differently? Seen something earlier? What could I do now to try and change the inevitable?
I opened up a new email and began to type.
Dear Mum,
How is the orphanage? How are things going?
Feeling at a loss today. You always taught me how important it was to help people, and now one of the patients I cared for the most is dying. How do you do it? How do you give and give and give and not get attached?
And if I’m like this here, what will I be like in another country, without the support network I have? Will I cope when a patient falls ill? Or will I just become this useless mess?
I’m kind of scared. I know doubts are normal, but I’m really starting to question everything I know.
I’m even starting to question my future. When I heard this news about Emily, all I wanted to do was go play. I trained last night, and it was the only time since I heard the news that I managed to feel like a human again, not just this shell.
I won’t be able to do that overseas. I won’t be able to play Aussie Rules, and I know that probably seems like a strange thing to care about, but for me, it is a real concern. How will I stay sane without it? I don’t think I realised how much I’d come to depend on my Tuesday-night games with the girls, and my regular training sessions with Sawyer. It’s almost like the more I do it, the more addicted I become.
If I move, I have to give that up. But can I have a life without football? And how can I stay and choose something so selfish over something so morally right?
I really need some motherly advice right now. I know you’re busy, but I’d love to hear from you.
Love you,
Zoe
I stowed the phone in my pocket and made my way out of the staffroom, toward the sound of voices in the hall.
‘I am here with the—ah, Zoe. How are you?’ Jarren looked past Tahlia to me, leaning in and pressing a kiss to either cheek as if we were old friends.
‘Hi Jarren.’ I smiled, making eye contact with Tahlia. Her expression clearly said who is this wanker?
‘Such a pleasure to see you again.’ He looked me up and down, and did he just stare at my boobs? I shifted my weight, trying to turn away from him without appearing too rude. He lowered his voice, his hot breath next to my ear. ‘I hear Daddy’s been working on your reference. I’ve made sure it’s glowing, because of how nice you’ve been.’
I stepped away. Air. I needed air, space, and a can of disinfectant spray because this guy made me feel so dirty. ‘Are you here with the Killers?’
‘Sure am. Although I don’t know why I organised it—I’m sure you could have pulled a few strings, with your boyfriend,’ he said, looking to Tahlia with a devilish smile. ‘You know she’s dating Sawyer Benson, right?’
‘Zoe’s personal life is just that—personal.’ Tahlia’s expression remained neutral. ‘And one I wouldn’t dream of discussing in the workplace.’
Thank you. I smiled at my friend. Surely Jarren would take the hint.
The doors whooshed open and I turned around. Sawyer.
He walked in with two of his teammates, the captain, Leigh, and Braden, the three of them looking like an advertisement for a Lynx commercial, all wide smiles and broad, strong bodies. They made Jarren look positively rat-like, although he had been doing a pretty good job of that all on his own.
‘Zoe. Nice to see you again.’ Kristy walked around from behind the boys, holding out her hand to shake.
‘Hi. Nice to see you too.’ I turned to Tahlia. ‘This is Tahlia, our business admin guru, and this is Jarren.’
‘We’ve already met.’ Kristy raised her eyebrows, her gaze darting from me to Jarren and back again. ‘Are you the one who put in the request for the visit today?’
‘I sure am.’ He stared at her boobs, nothing hidden about it.
Sawyer stepped in front of his sister, folding his arms across his chest. His biceps bulged, and my mind flashed back to the night before. His shirt stuck to his arms as he held me in the shower, giving me everything I needed when I didn’t know quite what that was.
How could I leave him? How could I leave him when he was rapidly becoming the b
est thing that had ever happened to me?
‘Well, I have here the list of rooms we’d love you to visit, and the names of the children. I’ll show you around.’ Tahlia took a clipboard and walked out from behind the reception desk, starting down the hall before stopping, turning. ‘Actually, Sawyer, I know you’ve been to see Emily before. I think she’d really appreciate a second visit.’
‘Oh.’ Sawyer nodded.
‘Zoe can remind you where his room is while I take the rest of you lot in to see the others. Come on.’ Tahlia spun on her heel and briskly walked away, leaving Sawyer and I alone in what I was sure was a deliberate move. Thank you, Tahls.
‘Hey.’ I smiled up at him when the sound of the others’ footsteps had faded away. This was weird. Why did I feel so … shy?
‘Hey.’ Sawyer grinned, then leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to my lips. ‘Sorry. Can’t help it.’
‘It’s okay.’ I paused. We only had a few minutes, but there was so much I wanted to say. ‘About last night—we didn’t get a chance to talk, and—’
‘Sorry again. I tried to get out of the breakfast meeting, but Kristy’s really on our arses at the moment, and—’
I pressed a finger to his soft lips, the stubble scratching my skin a direct contradiction. ‘It’s okay. I just wanted to say thank you for being there. It was exactly what I needed.’
‘I’m glad I could help.’ He pressed a small kiss to my finger, and my stomach danced. This man. ‘But I’m sorry I can’t see you much this week. Kristy’s got stuff scheduled from dawn until midnight between now and the awards, and I—’
‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘But it does.’ He trapped my finger with his own, pulling it close to my chest. ‘I want to be there for you. You’re going through a lot, and I want to support you however I can. Not to mention the trial on Saturday. I’ll get out of the events that day, make sure I can go.’
‘Please.’ I kissed our joined hands. They felt so right together. ‘Please don’t. I know you’ll be supporting me from wherever you are—but that doesn’t have to be right on the sidelines.’
‘Zoe, I—’
Oh God!
Dean stopped mid-sentence, pushing his glasses farther up his nose as he took in the scene. I tried to move away from Sawyer without seeming too obvious. ‘I didn’t realise it was that time already. You must be Sawyer Benson. I’m Dean Wetherley, the owner of Happy Families House.’
‘Pleasure to meet you, Dean.’ Sawyer extended his hand, and Dean took it, shaking. ‘You run a fine institution here.’
‘Thank you. We pride ourselves on taking care of our patients, all thanks to our exceptional staff.’ Dean’s gaze lingered on me, a question in his eyes.
‘I’ll just show Sawyer to Emily’s room. We’re seeing her first,’ I explained to Dean, who nodded, his face grim.
‘Yes. Sad business, that. So young … such a nice young girl.’ He rubbed the bridge of his nose, then shifted his glasses back in place. ‘Good morning to you both.’ He turned back toward his office.
Sawyer followed me down the hall. He must have had questions—Dean’s line didn’t leave a lot to the imagination.
But he didn’t ask one.
He just linked his fingers through mine and let me lead him to the room of the little girl I cared about so much.
‘Knock, knock,’ I called, keeping my voice light. ‘I have a surprise for you.’
The door clicked open. Nick stuck his head in the gap. Behind him, the room was dark, the sun edging through the frame of the curtains only barely.
‘Sorry,’ I whispered. ‘Is she asleep?’
‘Yes.’ He paused. ‘But I know she wouldn’t want to miss this. Give me a second.’
‘I can come back. Let her rest,’ Sawyer protested, but Nick was gone, back in the dark room.
I opened my mouth to tell Sawyer what was going on, to warn him that this wasn’t the same kid he’d visited just a few short weeks ago, but no words came out. How could I tell him that Emily was—Emily was—
Sawyer placed a steadying hand on my shoulder, gently massaging the knot that had tightened my muscles. I breathed, slow and steady.
Seconds later, the door opened. The curtains had been cracked just a little. Emily sat in bed, rubbing at her eyes.
A small smile lit her features when she saw us. ‘Zoe and Sawyer!’
‘Hey, bud.’ Sawyer strode past me straight to the bed, sitting on the edge. ‘How you been?’
‘You won. You won the grand finals.’ Emily got this glazed, dreamy look in her eyes as she said it, her usual energy missing from the words.
‘We did, yeah. We worked hard, and it finally paid off.’
‘What does winning feel like?’ Emily settled back into the pillows, her eyes still trained on the man sitting on the corner of her bed.
‘Well …’ Sawyer’s Adam’s apple bobbed. His gaze met mine across the room. ‘It feels like eating all the ice cream you want, and you’re kinda sick, but stoked, you know?’
Emily giggled.
‘It feels like the best kind of relief. Like pushing yourself so far and then you finally don’t have to push anymore.’ He placed his hand over the small girl’s.
‘Zoe, do you mind if I speak to you for a moment?’ Nick asked.
‘Sure.’ I looked to Sawyer, then glanced at my wristwatch. I’d have to get moving if I wanted to finish my rounds. ‘Are you going to be okay? I’m going to speak with Nick, but then I really do need to go and see some other patients.’
‘Please.’ Sawyer gestured to Emily. ‘I have the best company in the world right here. And I’m sure the boys will come get me when it’s time to go.’
‘Thank you,’ I mouthed and stepped outside. He really was such a good man.
Nick joined me a moment later, pulling the door to. ‘I just wanted to say thanks for everything you’ve done.’
‘I haven’t done anything.’ I shook my head.
‘You have.’ He looked down at the floor, then back up at me, blinking. ‘I just … Emily thinks the world of you. And the books, the football talk, you trying out for a team—it’s all made a difference.’
But it wasn’t like I’d saved her.
I might have helped, but I hadn’t cured her cancer. I hadn’t been able to chase that monster away. ‘I wish there was something more I could do.’
‘So do I.’ He gave a wan smile. ‘But I think in times like this, all we can do is keep going, keep smiling, and keep offering Emily hope. You do that—you take her to another world. So thank you.’
‘No. Thank you.’ I met his bloodshot eyes, his tired face. ‘Thank you for letting me be a part of her life.’
Nick walked back into the room, but I stayed there, fixed to the spot. Emily was excited to see me every time I walked in. Sure, some of that was probably because I offered her pain relief, but maybe it was more. Maybe I was helping in a different way—helping heal her soul. Offering care for her heart when she had so few family members left to wrap it in bubble wrap for her.
I did a good job. I may not have been able to help her medically, but I cared, and that had been enough.
I didn’t have to go overseas to change children’s lives. I didn’t have to choose between a sport that I loved, that gave me freedom and made me feel alive, and a vocation that changed lives, that saw me give so much of myself but let me make a difference too.
I could do that right here.
I could do that right here, and play Aussie Rules, and see Sawyer.
I could have my cake and eat it too.
I walked down the hall, away from that room. There was one last person I needed to see—one thing more thing I was going to do that I’d shied away from before.
I knocked twice on the door then barged in.
Dean sat at his desk, Jarren on the other side of it. Both men looked at me in surprise, a flicker of irritation passing Jarren’s face.
‘Dean, I’m sorry to interrupt, but there’s someth
ing I need to tell you.’
‘Can it wait?’ He looked to his son then back to me, but I shook my head.
‘No. It can’t.’ It had already waited too long. ‘When you asked me to go to dinner with your son, he behaved in a way that made me feel uncomfortable. Since then, he’s acted overly familiar with me, and I wanted to make you aware of that before you handed over the reins to him.’
‘That’s bullshit!’ Jarren protested.
‘What do you mean dinner?’ Dean asked.
‘The dinner you asked me to go on with him—he kissed my hand, kept making inappropriate comments about my looks, and I—’
‘I didn’t tell you to go to dinner, son.’ Dean’s face turned a bright shade of red. ‘I asked you to meet up with Zoe out of hours.’
‘And I did. Over dinner.’ Jarren held out his hands, as if to say ‘what’s the big deal?’
‘A dinner where you held the threat of my referral over my head.’ I stood tall, levelling my gaze at him. It was time I stopped aiming to play professionally on just the sports field. I needed to do that here too.
‘You what?’ Dean’s voice rose an octave. He turned his gaze back to me. ‘And you believed him? You thought I would do something like that?’
Heat flamed my cheeks. ‘I—I didn’t know what to think.’
Dean stared at the photo on the edge of his desk, as if asking it for help. What had I done? Why had I ever thought my boss would encourage his son to sleaze on his staff?
‘You’re right. I should never have trusted Jarren, and I’m sorry.’ I swallowed. ‘I just thought you needed to hear about my experience in case it happens again.’
Jarren shot me a nasty look. I raised my eyebrows in return.
‘Thank you for letting me know.’ Dean nodded to the door. ‘Now, I believe you have a football player to look after.’
Once more, my cheeks heated, and I nodded my thanks then left the room.
A Whole New Ball Game Page 16